1st time I've ever dared 'bother her' in the 9 months I've been seeing her

Dear SB, I am so sorry you had such a bad time today. Please don't hate yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

Your T sounds kind and caring and perhaps she wants to reply to your text but is concerned about breaking the boundaries that are set for her.

I have had that feeling of being totally alone after having opened up about stuff and then gone back into the world with it all so fresh in my mind. It is horrible and I understand some of what you must be feeling now.

Thank goodness you are safely home.

Do you really like your T? Would finding someone closer to where you live with different contacting between sessions boundaries be beneficial for you.

Are you in the UK like I am?

Thinking of you and wish I could be of more help.



Caroola x

SB, that sounds dreadful. I'm sad you had to experience that. But... please don't make assumptions. They just distress you, because you assume the worst. There are a million reasons why she might not have responded. You know, from her behavior this session, that she was quite concerned about how you left last time. As well as this time. So, she does care. Responding or not responding is not the criteria to measure whether or not she care. I absolutely know how it feels to think and feel that. Please try to think of the connecting and helpful things that you have done with T. I'm guessing they'd likely out-weigh whatever is going on with this text.

I know you want validation and acknowledgement of your pain and distress. It is valid. It's always valid, because it is yours. We acknowledge, hear and understand you here. I know that's nowhere near enough, but it is something.

Hang tough, ((((sparkling sapphire)))). And give your little gem a break. She doesn't deserve to be hated. Especially not when she is in so much pain.

-RT

SP, reading your post was very distressing to me. I don't agree with a no-contact rule either. You were/are clearly in need of contact with T. Don't know Ts skill level or training, but boundaries can be stretched, especially in your case. Each person is an individual and everyones is different and needs a different approach from the T. Wondering if you would seriously consider going to another who could be more empathatic. You're not just an appointment. You are a very important person with real pain. Even a few seconds of contact can make a huge difference. Feel better, and don't hate yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

Thanks all of yous.

Your kindness bought tears to my eyes.

Yes I'm in the UK. I don't want to break the rules, or be a pain. I don't want to ask for more than I'm allowed... I just wanted to calm down and get safely home. I'm home now, and of course feeling I did the wrong thing. But I can't look at this stuff and then have nothing to hold on to between the sessions

I so wanted to ask to take something from the room with me last week - something I could actually hold, so I'm not totally without a symbol of the care she gives. She is a nice person. But I really really wanted her to reach out to me today, just a pat on the arm would have helped. But unless I'm out-of-control crying (and I don't like being there!) she says put over the other side of the room.

I'm so scared.

The things that happened to me were very frightening. If they happened to an adult they would be horrible. But I was only a little person. I don't know how to process any of it - I try to push is away just because what else can I do? Then I tell myself it didnt happen... that I made it up in my head. I'm a bad person.

Doesn't stop the nightmares, flashbacks and general massive responses to things other people can cope with. Then I tell myself I am crazy.

Really I got hurt.

What if she didn't believe what I told her. I said I didnt think she would. I was spaced but told her a bit. She didn't say if she believed me or not. Maybe she goes with 'this client is crazy'.

I'm too little to do this on my own. I was always too little. I know I'm big now. I still can't do it alone.

You are not alone on here SB. We all care about you and understand what you are going through.

I know it doesn't stop your pain or compensate for not being in touch with your T between sessions.

Perhaps if you decide to talk to her next week about why she can't contact you between sessions it will give you something to hold on to. Once you know the reason behind the rules then it is not her rules but her organisation's rules.

Stay strong and keep posting if it helps.




Caroola xx

thanks caroola

I might be her rules. I've not seen it in the organisation rules. she said about it. Now I've broken the rules, maybe I broke the therapy too?

s-b

SP, When I first started therapy I would always leave the office deflated and angry, asking myself "what the hell and I'm coming here for". I felt like T was just passing the time away. I did not know HOW to do this therapy stuff. He was so quiet and I was puzzled. Help me....How do I do this. I wanted him to give me an outline of what to expect from therapy and him. That did not happen. He would say stuff to me that puzzled me so I decided to "educate" myself about psychodynamic therapy and began to read...A LOT and still do. I would "sweat" for six days before I could see and talk to him. It was dreadful and long. As he got to know me he knew he had to "handle" me differently than his other clients. One day he said if I don't understand something to email him. I thought outside contact was forbidden and never tried or even thought to email. He gave me permissison and we've been doing it ever since. Mostly, because several horrendous things happened during my time with him and I could not handle much of it by myself. Emailing was my lifeline to him and he knew it. He told me I need constant contant (never thought of it like that, but it's true). I have abused it at times but he knows I have no one else to go to. And, he has been gracious. Try and talk to your T and tell her what you've told us. She may need to know how deeply this is effecting you. It is important for your healing. I hope you can come to an arangement that works for you.

SB, I'm glad you texted her to help yourself get to a better place in order to get home safely. Your safety is important. Even if she minded, and I doubt if she did, you made a good choice.

What you are addressing in therapy is very hard stuff. You took care of yourself by texting her. I think that's great!

I think she will mind I've crossed her boundary. I dont want her to be mad at me

just after last week, where I struggled all week needing contact, to find myself unable to drive... dunno. All I wanted was to be ok to get home. I should have just got on with it and not reached out. There is no one there. I only hurt myself more in the longer run.

I shouldn't have tried to even say the little I said in therapy. I was cut off from my feelings (otherwise I couldn't have even said what I did). I told her it would 'get me'.

Thanks for hearing me here. I appreciate you all being around.

Dear SB,

Take a deep breath. Now take another. Slowly release your breath. Try Try Try to calm the anxiety that is in your heart.

You are a human being. You were vulnerable in session today and had a need for more contact. You reached out for that. That is totally normal and a human reaction.

I hope your T responds kindly to your text but even if she doesn't, you did nothing wrong. You deserve to have your needs met.

Take care of yourself (and your little one )

Jillann

((((SB))))

I'm so sorry you have to experience so much distress over this. I now have to go on my soapbox and stress to you and to anyone who will listen is that there are therapists out there, particularly trauma therapists, who allow and encourage contact in between sessions. The shame that you feel over doing something human and perhaps even life-saving really makes me insane. There is NO need for that.

SB

I don't think she will be mad at you. She might have a no contact policy and you txt her but it's hardly a major crime in the grand scheme of things. If she didn't want to encourage you to contact her then she won't answer yr txt. I doubt she will take it on board, she will likely see it for what it was - you were feeling particularly awful and in the heat of the moment you reacted by Txting her

Her not answering doesn't mean she doesn't care - it simply means she is respecting the boundary she made with you with no contact between sessions.

I agree with the others - don't assume anything.

Have you discussed it with her, in terms of you feel you need more support inbetween T sessions?

Does this support need to be from your T? Could it be extra support elsewhere?

I ask because that's where I am right now - I had an agency work with me the past few months. Their role is to support me inbetween therapy sessions. I was seeing a caseworker once a week. Long story short it fell part in a very hurtful harmful way this week.

When I saw my T a huge part of my distress was that once our hour was up, that's it - I'm on my own with all this unbearable pain and I don't see her or talk to her for another while week. That was more painful than the I tail pain, right there.

She said she wanted to support me - I said she can't - she's doing all she can do already! I then got Brave and somehow said out loud: It's just not enough right now .

There - I said it - in amongst all the fear (!!!!!) it would seem I was ungrateful, that what she has to offer me 'isn't good enough' and that might piss her off; and ... Acknowledging hey - I need more (I have needs!!!!).

Turns out - she could do more to support me. Does it mean I can now phone her inbetween sessions? No. Can I see her more often? No. Can I have more contact with her? No.

But what she did do for me was spend a lot of time on the telephone making a lot of different calls to find me some support for over the weekend. She even raised the idea of me going into hospital (such as my distress was right then).

In the end - I don't have more contact than usual with her. I can't phone her even when I'm really desperate and want to die or the pain feels so unbearable it doesn't feel surviveable; BUT I did have: a) she believed me b) took my distress seriously (that almost never happens) c) some mobile respite for over the weekend - I have someone come once a day over the weekend to sit with me at home for a chat d) she telephoned the agency that really fucked things up and sent me very backwards, and had some words with them as to what the hell is going on? E) she phoned me back and reported what they said, and to tell me about the respite care - and checked out with me that I felt safe enough with that in place.

I've spent months telling myself there's nothing else she can do to help me!!! She's already given me all the support she can! It's so hopeless!!! Especially now the trauma and pain are even more raw!

Turns out, that wasn't true. She can do a lot more to support me - even if it isn't exactly what I'd love (ie to be able to phone her all the time whenever i'm Struggling and in pain).

She basically helped me, to help myself. Provided me with alternatives.

SB - I'd encourage you to ask your T as to how you can manage after. It might be you need to practice becoming aware of your LIMITS. If you are talking about something and getting very spaced out / dissociated that is probably Is your signal to STOP, or SLOW DOWN.

I developed a dissociation scale of 1-10 - if it got to a 7/8 we stop - change the subject completely. That has helped.

I've also noticed when I GO NUMB it means I'm going too fast and need to slow down or stop. Small but manageable steps are all that is needed

I hope you can come up with some additional support inbetween T appointments - it might be you ca access a caseworker or community support worker through one if the local community mental health groups or agencies. When I had it in place and it was working it was working very well - I still did all the work in therapy, but also had someone else to talk to inbetween T sessions, when things were pretty rough.

((((Sb)))) thinking of you, and listening.

Thanks all.

It's a new day, bright and sunny here - so I'm going to at least try to stay in the now and do something useful with some of my day.

It IS normal behaviour to want to reach out - you are so right. Last week was torture partly because I very very much needed to reach out and had to continually live with not doing so. I did bring up in the session yesterday just how hard it was all week after last session. She offered no solution (I guess this style of therapy doesn't - she just 'hears' me). It is triggering though, it touches that painful ABANDONMENT of childhood stuff. I am left totally alone to deal with the horrible stuff. I described how frightened I feel in the night etc. I have come away with no more strategies than I went in with.

I live in a rural place, services are pretty thin on the ground. A few years back I was very ill with these issues, and got no help even then. There is no way they'd help now as I am apparently coping ok. There is NO trauma focused therapy in my area - I asked for it specifically back then. There are no support groups. There is literally nothing. In my line of work I heard a CPN fob off a client with mental health issues - this person needed DBT, the client knew it, but there is none withing 150miles - so she made out that it wouldn't be ok for the client anyway as it has to be residential (it doesn't) and the client has kids... Makes me mad.

My T doesn't get dissociation I think? I tell her when I'm 'going'. I told her yesterday that I was hearing what I was saying, but it was like from far off and it wasn't 'me'. I told her I had gone numb. I told her I couldnt emotionally feel anything at all. She still persisted to ask me to describe the things in my mind (CSA). I couldn't do so in detail, I kept to the edges, a broad statement and told her 'no one will believe me'. I had that erie feeling that I get when I know it will come get me later when I'm 'safe'. I said I was afraid the feelings would get me in the car. They did. I explained that this often happens after T sessions, and that whilst it might be better for HER that I dont get massively upset at the end of the session (she was quite shook up last week when that happened), for me, this reaction alone, whilst driving isn't great. She suggested I take some time before going home. I explained that being outside in the town feels unsafe - no reaction will happen until I feel safe. But I went for a walk anyways and could access no feeling, so I drove.

This makes me a liability. She may now consider I'm not safe enough to continue with. I may consider the same to be honest. I can't afford to relive childhood terror in unsafe situations. Perhaps it's best to swallow it whole and attempt to live like it never happened? This doesn't work entirely, but it has it's positives for stretches of time (followed by impressive mental health crashes generally).

Bah!

Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

Sapphire-b

Sapphire - how about a support agency / other supports to support you post therapy sessions?

I posted a lot about it in my last post to you on this thread - so I won't repeat myself - but for me it's made the difference between coping and not.

I was very close to needing hospitalisation yesterday post session with my T. Instead I managed to have respite care where someone comes to see me each day over the weekend, for a chat. Today's lady just left and I feel so much better just having the chance to talk face to face with another human being whose sole purpose is to listen, not judge, and encourage me.

I hope you can talk to your T in more detail as to how she can either support you following sessions OR help advise you as to where you could go for further support.

I don't know if it's the same for you, but I find leaving my T session is really hard - it triggers all sorts of things - I relate to not feeling or having a reaction until being 'safe' and far away. Sometimes I don't have a reaction to what happened in therapy for a full two days I'm left so numb

Thanks ElizaJ,

Yes, I've had that experience of delayed reaction too. And it often takes me several days to recover from a T session. Last week I never recovered.

There aren't any agencies here in my part of the UK. They can sometimes allocate CPN support for really ill people (I'm not ill currently, just trying to work through stuff). Also, as I know work for the NHS I wouldn't easily put myself in the exposing position of requiring NHS support. There are NO support systems in my county. None. There are agencies for drug and alcohol misuse (but I don't do that) and domestic violence (I'm not in such a position, thankfully). Nothing for trauma survivors. Honestly, there isn't the support. I just have to do it alone.

sb

I am following your posts SB and listening and caring about how you feel.

Just a couple of ideas:-

My friend is a Samaritan. They are available day and night, they listen and show empathy but do not give advice. I can find the telephone number if you would like me to.

Have you thought of contacting MIND? They are based everywhere in the UK and have loads of different resources and centres.

Knowing our luck we probably live at different ends of the country but I live in the south east, between London and Cambridge.

If it would help, I could try and find some more charities that could help you and provide telephone numbers if you would like me to.

Take care of yourself and enjoy the lovely sun today.

Big hug

Caroola x

Hi Caroola,

I couldn't live further from you! But, thanks for the offer. I have used Samaritans in the past. There is a Mind place up here somewhere - the program seems limited (probably due to low population levels).

I'm feeling more ok just now.

SB

Caroola xx

Sorry to hear it's not easy to access further support SB .

Can you ask your T or your GP of any they know? I know you say you're not 'mentally ill' and I totally get that - I said no to some suggestions of support because it was linked to those who are 'mentally ill' and - damn it - I'm. It 'mentally ill' I'm just 'going through a hard time' (like you).

But these past few days I've come to understand, I might not be 'mentally ill' as in I need to be in hospital and I can't work etc, but I sure came alarmingly close to being hospitalised on Friday BECAUSE of the lack of support I have. So here I am - finding myself using a support agency that is for those who are 'mentally ill' - and hey, if it means I don't end up in the loony bin as a result of using their service I'll go with that!!

How about volunteer / church organisations / peer support groups? There WILL be SOMETHING other than what the hospital offers. Where I live the hospital has minimal supports and decline referrals left right and centre (even when you desperately need them ). But it sub contracts out to dozens of different satellite groups (saving them money in the process) and the support system I'm currently using is exactly like that. It's not linked to the hospital system in anyway. It receives part government funding but mainly is charity / fundraising.

After my experiences with being continually failed and let down by the professionals I was terriers of relying on 'peer support' or anything less than the best professional support - but it's funny how it turns out sometimes. Utter desperation not to be hospitalised lead me to trying this new support system. I HATE people being in my house - strangers or not. Friday the support person was a man - I felt very reluctant to allow a strange man into my house. I'm glad I did because it's meant I AM feeling a bit safer and more supported.

It's given me CHOICES.


And I might just very well have The Safety Net I'm desperate for, to fall back onto inbetween T sessions.

Please do ask yr T, your Dr, or simply google 'support for mental health' in yr area. There will be something. Even if you look at it and think 'no way'- I'd encourage y to keep an open mind JUST IN CASE one day you are as stuck as you have been and feel there is simply no other choice.

Sometimes pain is a great motivator



(Hope it doesn't come across as dismissing or invalidating what you're going through SB - sometimes when people make suggestions I don't want it can feel that way - it's really not my intention )

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/s...ealth-helplines.aspx

The 'mind' website has a lot of other supports and info. (You mentioned it up above).

The Samaritans. If might be worth considering you know - especially if it's a 'use when needed' service. Maybe it would help if you were able to phone them or talk to them immediately after your T session each week.

I relate to working in the system. I am a health professional too and have come scarily close to ending up in the same place as my clients (ie when I was in a eating disorder unit recently).

I've said no to students being involved in my care because when they do rotations through other sectors I can run into them - and even end up mentoring them!!!

Was extremely embarrassing when I ended up in the cardiac unit overnight due to anorexia and bulimia and the doctor who had to review me prior to discharge was one I referred my clients too a lot - I don't know if he clicked as to it being me he sent his letters to (we had never met in person but given it was in my medical file I worked in the job I did and had the same name of the health professional he wrote to a lot it's more than likely he did know it was me!)... And here I was, having to discuss openly my bulimia -he gave me a script for potassium and the shame I had when I needed to ask - will it be enough given. I can't stop the purging? Having him know that despite ending up in the cardiac unit, I was going home and could keep purging ... When I was a health professional who should know better!! was so humiliating

So I definitely relate to the fears - anxieties about mixing work and getting help.

Guess for me, it got to the point that I had no other choice. My clients don't know I have 'issues' but vast majority of colleagues do - when I didn't want the too. Why? Because with my latest relapse of severe anorexia I was unceremoniously stripped of my practicing certificate - right in the middle of work - and forced to stop working that second. I was threatened with 'come and see the psychiatrist right now or he will ring the hospital'. Only my closest colleagues (2 of the ) knew the whole story but nothing stays secret for long and when I got back to work 3 months later I had many comments and pitying looks so I knew they all knew .

Anyway... forced to eat a degree of humble pie I've had to tell some people I'm struggling. In so e ways having it out in the open has helped. Told a colleague just yesterday 'I nearly ended up in the loony bin yesterday' meant she won't call on me to help her unless she is desperate. Thankfully she didn't ask for details.

It might help you to know that we aren't alone in having issues and working within large health organisations. Struggling and / or having mental illness / history of abuse isn't limited to certain sectors of society. Apparently even the most brilliant of minds are susceptible to being a little off centre now and again.

There's no stigma with diabetes - sometimes those with diabetes require time off work and extra support to manage their insulin levels. It's no different with those if us struggling with mental health issues.



Edited to add - I know what compounded my distress was that it felt my T did t give a flying shit as to how badly I was affected in our sessions. Logically I knew it probably wasn't true, but emotionally I felt devastated that I FELT all she could do was wave me out the door, hope for the best and see me a week later.

I'm so glad I managed to say 'it isn't enough!' (What support she offers me). As I shared before - it hasn't changed in that I can't now phone her I between sessions, I can't see her more often nor can I stay for longer at the end of a session in her room until I feel safer. But it has meant she was able to support me in finding other suport.

(It still hurts that I can't just go home with her and curl up on her couch - wouldn't that PROVE me she does care??? - it's hard to reconcile her actual limits and boundaries with her level of caring - ouch)

It's hard realising the limits of supoort our Ys can provide - But never forget - it's not a matter of them not caring

Thanks ElizaJ,

I've been 'mentally ill' before, have the labels PTSD, episodic depression/anxiety. I used to see a psychiatrist at the hospital - and it was him I asked for a referral for trauma therapy. He agreed I needed it and admitted the area I live in has NONE (rare for professionals to be honest). He said if we were in the south (ie near London) there would be plenty he would refer me too, but said 'here, all I can offer you is fresh air'. Tis true- the air is lovely... he wasn't joking. I dont drive an hour and a half to therapy for fun... (although the scenery on the way is amazing). If we get ill here a helicopter takes you to a city far away... our little local hospitals do the minor stuff, but a prem baby would be taken hours away to a centre. Mental health is a cinderella service in the UK, can you imagine what it's like in a back-water place?

I've lengthily looked at charity provision over the years. At times there have been short-term things available at some distance away, which I have gone to for help... and faced the same difficulties with the drive. I'm very dissociative with the PTSD - it makes travel dangerous at times.

I'm not on meds (my choice, as I'm not currently depressed) and I've never been given any treatment for the PTSD whatsoever.

It is difficult to cope. It's difficult not to be allowed to reach out to the T. Having studied attachment theory (I'm a part-time Open University student) I know that that whole overwhelming desire to seek out the T is normal (if extremely painful and shameful for an adult... except it isnt the adult me who needs this). What is hard is that many T's appear not to know that attachment is necessary. In the UK there is a strong thing about not letting clients become 'dependent' and the boundaries are there to stop the attachment becoming too strong. I had some counselling via the NHS years ago, and the T sort of hid me in the system to give me extra support. When his boss found out I was terminated the week I was giving a statement to the police about some of the things that had happened to me (and other children). It was an abrupt ending when I was totally vulnerable and I spend the next 2 years completely messed up. Totally (at which point the psych assessed me). I was left with no help, with SH going on, eating nothing, s**cidal daily, massive sleep issues and with 4 kids of my own to take care of (my husband is around, but still). If you need a lesson in abandonment that is surely a thorough one. It nearly k*lled me.

But, I'm still here. Must be made of kryptonite. Once I began to recover, they simply signed me off. To be honest, I'm always on the edge of mental illness - if I were to describe my sleep problems no one could say this isn't an issue - but there is no point in seeking help as they simply wont give me any. Sometimes I think there is something about me that makes people turn me away. I have to be the one that helps others, I'm not allowed any myself. I know that isn't rational.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I will send a one line apology to my T on Monday morning for the sin of texting. Of course it's another sin to text her the apology, but I have to do this.

I don't know if I'll go back. Maybe I'm just meant to do this alone?

I'm sorry SB wish I had a magic wand - I'd wVe it so you have support ...

have you talked to your T about how you feel about the boundaries? I can imagine it would be a super hard conversation perhaps, but important. Even if you have, it sounds like you have more to say about it.

I feel mixed about the attachment to T thing. I will admit I get insanely jealous sometimes on here when I read about 'generous' contact with Ts, etc. other things though totally freak the shit out of me (idea of hugs / touch / phoning them at home / weekends etc) cos for ME, that would feel so so so so invasive (ie I feel invaded thinking about it).

What I've come to realise though is - no matter how much contact we have with our Ts, it's not enough. You and I 'could' have more contact with our Ts - say what if we 'could' phone our Ts, whenever we wanted, or got hugs or txt messages etx .... Yet don't you think it couldn't be ENOUGH? We read plenty of stories of the same pain the same angst the same heartache and heartbreak from eveyrne on here with attachment / childhood abuse issues - it doesn't matter how much contact we / they have - the pain is still there despite that

At some point, no matter how much contact we have - we will eventually come to a boundary with it. We will eventually come to a stop sign - and we all will - eventually - come to the same incredibly utterly heartbreaking / soul destroying realisations that no amount of suport / comfort a T - or partner or lover or close friend - can ever give us will be ENOUGH to fix the huge hole in our soul that is there cos we didn't get unconditional love we NEEDED and DESERVED growing up

not saying more comfort and support wouldn't help - but it alone won't fix the pain. We have to feel it, grieve it, process it. Then we can heal from it.

Maybe having less contact with our Ts 'helps' get us to that point a bit faster? (Totally making it up here).

Whatever contact / support from our Ts we have we all have to make it ENOUGH. It's about having a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries - boundaries that are not there to HURT or PUNISH us, but to PROTECT us.

Just my two cents worth anyway.

Safe hugs if ok xox

Ps - I too have PTSD. complex trauma throughout childhood. But I also had over a decade of life inbetween severe bouts (lasting years) WITHOUT PTSD. No symptoms of it at all. It's definitely possible to fully heal and come to a place in life where you can be more than 'ok'.

I really hope you do go back to see your T. Sending her a txt was not a crime - I really think you're not able to see it as anything other than a huge violation when in fact, it isn't.

I would caution you however to reconsider not sending her a txt to apologise for sending a txt - do you HONESTLY think it will help you feel better about sending the first one?

Do you think par to you wants to push the boundary so your T puts her hand up and says 'enough'? So you have 'validation' at leaving therapy? Ie - is this self sabotage?

oh yes, I completely have a part that wants the T to sack us. I'm very aware of this dynamic to be honest, I let that part have her turn. Let's see then shall we, what will the T do if I put my toe over her boundary. Stupid - although I did desperately need to contact her in that situation.

I'm going to have to phone (or more likely email) head office anyways, as my little girl has come down with scarlet fever and I'll need to rearrange my working week and I wont be able to go on Friday to T. I will send a message to apologize via head office whilst I'm at it. Maybe if she doesn't see me for 2 weeks she wont be as cross anyways...

She doesn't talk about the boundaries in a way that invites ANY discussion. At the points she sets stuff like that out, she is forceful and intimidating. It's a strong 'this is exactly how it is' message - and then she moves on without a breath. So, for example, early on in the therapy I was leaving in a total mess every week. It wasn't safe. So, one week I went in and she TOLD me that the sessions would be 15mins longer for 4 weeks, so I could LEARN to get myself back together. The sessions ran so much more smoothly to be fair, it was much much better. At the end of this, she cut them back to the hour, even though I had talked to her about how much better the sessions were. So, we are back to putting me out in a non-functioning state. Her boundaries are to be obeyed, not discussed - honestly truely, I've never met a T that is so boundaried in this fashion.

Anyway, gotta go see to my daughter

I really think you should talk me to yr T some more.

You seem to jumping to a lot of conclusions that might not be as you think. Ie you're assuming she will be cross and angry with you because you txt her. You don't know that. Are you a mind reader? Do you REALLY truly think she is so cross with you she's been stewing about it ever since and planning 'right, wait til I see SB next, boy will I let her know about it!!!!'

Yeah? NAH. Not likely.

I think it's common for Ts to NOT specificlLy bring up boundaries with us - it is a hugely sensitive subject, and until a T knows us really well and knows we are ready to talk about it, it's not likely to be bought up specifically.

As it is, you already feel she comes across quite forceful and direct - telling you your sessions will be 15 mins longer - I wasn't there so I don't know, but reading it I'd see her approach as being COINFIDENT more than forceful ... Ie, she identified a need, and came up with a plan.

If she had been tentative with 'I wondered if you'll like to spend 15mins longer in sessions to learn x y z' - how would you have responded to that? Personally, I would hVe found it very difficult to accept an offer - to let her know 'yes please'. I. If hit also interpret her hesitation as she doesn't REALLY want to see me longer each session - she is just saying it but doesn't really mean it....

Clearly you're struggling with how things are - it doesn't mean you're wrong or she's wrong. HUGE part of therapy IS the relationship with our Ts - I think you having sent her an email gives you a great starting point to talk about it.

When you see her next, bring it up. Heck - PRINT THIS OFF AND SHOW HER - talk about why you txt her, what was behind it, how it felt. How you feel not being able to txt her unless it's about changing an app.

Say how it feels and how you might wish it to be. That's how yu can talk to her about it. By bringing it up