Aw, don't hate yourself, BLT! Sometimes hugs come off kind of awkwardly. It can be embarrassing, but it happens. Probably your T did not think nearly as much of it as you did.

Hope the shame storm ends soon. (I will be sensitive and not post a hugging emoticon this time , but the sentiment is there.)

quote:

(I will be sensitive and not post a hugging emoticon this time. Wink)

((((BLT))))

At least she's not a man! LOL! And, so, what's wrong with a little spontaneous affection? There should be more of that, IMO!

I won't do a hug emoticon either. Hmmmm.

BLT

I felt EXACTLY the same way after I hugged my T
the first time. When I apologised for doing it
she hardly recalled the incident!! So much for
making an impression on her
As HiC says your T won't make a big thing of it
so try not to hate yourself too much although
I do realise it's easier to say than to do!!

I wrote a post from my phone and lost it. Grr...

Your T may have been initially surprised, probably only because you've been hesitant and tentative in the past. But, I bet in retrospect she is really pleased excited you felt comfortable to do that (in the immediate moment, if the shame was still too hard after). If the pukey feelings don't go away through your own process, I encourage you to check in with her on it. From all you've said, I bet she feels so muc warmth toward you.

((Non))((AV))((Liese))

I think I just hugged her out of gratitude and relief that she is still there in spite of the anniversary of ending with oldT coming up.

Also, as I was trying to get myself together to leave (cause I was feeling emotional), I asked her if she was OK with me still, and she looked me straight in the eye and said "Yes, I am OK with you, BLT. We can go through things and still be OK. That doesn't change." I stared at her blankly for a moment taking this in, then I started yelling at her for making me want to cry again when I was trying to leave. But actually all I wanted to do was burst into tears and thank her for saying something I probably needed to hear my entire life. So umm...that's probably where the whole hug things happened...

((((BLT))))

I love that story. It's great!

Aahhh BLT,

I love it. All of it. It's totally fine. Trust me. Your T gets it, I'm sure.

that's really sweet, BLT! i know i'd feel the same way you do, but if you think about it that's a pretty huge step in the right direction if you ask me! nice! way to go! ((( BLT )))

Aww, thanks guys. I went back like 5 seconds after I left and kind of incoherently apologized and she looked a bit confused and said it was OK. So I know she's not bent out of shape about it. Just...dignity...gone...

BLT, A lovely story.

A bit similar to how my hug first happened. Known T for decades. We had spoken about touch and I said if she was ever to come near me I would scream and run as it terrified me. For the month prior I had talked about touch as it had come up on the forums here and a few people had hugged me in real life and it triggered reactions. Anyway so it was my birthday and T was particularly in-tune, nice to me - we had just come back from a therapy walk and she walked me down to the door and I said - totally unexpectedly and random - "Can I have a hug". She didn't hesitate and put her arms out and we hugged, but I don't remember another thing.

It set off a huge bad reaction in me that took a month of processing!!!!

Anyway we now since hug, I rarely remember them, but it is a start.

We have had a few clunky ones - awkward, clumsy ones that don't work and some that felt off. We have apologised at times because they have been weird and clumsy !!!!!

Anyway BLT - the point to my story is that .....at the end of the year when I asked T to name her highlights, her overwhelmingly first place that stood out over her entire year - was when i asked for and hugged her. She said it meant so much to her that I finally trusted her to touch her and to let her be close to me and spoke volumes about the progress that we had made.

Even though we have had awkward ones, it was the feeling and meaning behind it that my T remembers.

Somedays

((( SD ))) that's a perfect story.

Thanks SD I can only hope she appreciated the sentiment even though the delivery was less than par...

i bet she did, BLT. and regarding the delivery being less than par, we are our own best critic, aren't we? yeah, maybe it felt awkward to you, but like SD said, maybe the sentiment will over-shadow any awkward feelings. therapy is an upward climb ...

Hi BLT....I can totally understand the impulse to hug T out of sheer relief that she is still there and that she told you that things don't change... even when there has been a rupture to repair. I sometimes worry I will try to hug my T (who has a no hug policy) out of that same kind of overwhelming relief when I see him again after he goes away on vacation. I'm just so grateful that he is back and he is okay and we are together again.

BUT... I really think you both need to discuss this during your next session. What it felt like for you, why you did it, what it meant to you and this after-session reaction you are having. You need to talk about it or it will become the elephant in the room and impact the therapy.

You didn't do a "bad" thing but it's something that is worth looking at from a therapy perspective.

In the meantime, don't beat yourself up. I'm glad you felt able to talk about it here.

TN

Thanks TN and everyone else again.

She doesn't have a no-hug policy. Actually I have hugged her before and it wasn't an issue. Just this time it was spontaneous and awkward and that is why I feel bad about it. But yeah, you can bet I'll be discussing this next week. *Sigh*

Hey BLT -

I just wanted to say that I completely understand this feeling. I don't know if you have disorganized attachment, like me, but I'm constantly stuck in what my therapist calls "the dance." I see something that looks safe, and I come forward, and then I can get a total freak out because I had a need (not allowed in my upbringing and I hate and am ashamed of my own needs) and I expressed the need (oh-oh, that's vulnerability) and I want to "back up" both physically and emotionally enough to make sure that I'm safe.

So, I totally get this. She answered a need, she felt safe, you felt so safe and comfortable and cared for that you rushed forward into her arms. But then, you freaked out. Maybe it was wrong, maybe it was yucky, maybe your need was too much for the other person, maybe she didn't like it, maybe she's mad, maybe your needs or feelings are going to make her go away, etc etc.

Well, that's what happens in my head, anyway. But it sounds like your NOW is not at all like your PAST. It sounds like you are in a safe relationship with a T that cares about you. So, it's safe to have needs. It's safe to trust that she will tell you (in a kind and gentle way) if you go too far. Now is safe, now is nice. You are just fine.

Aw, BLT, I totally get that wanna hang your head in shame feeling!
Hoping this might make you smile...

My T told me early on that he doesn't hug, but he's happy to shake hands. (yay...)
Well, after he nearly died a few months into our sessions, I thought I'd never see him again, and lo and behold, I ran into him out in public one day. Actually, in a doctor's waiting room, full of people sitting around. Well, I saw him standing at the registration desk and didn't stop to think - I literally RAN to hug him and nearly BOWLED THE MAN OVER!
I was quite relieved, hehe.

Seriously, AS I was going in for the kill, it dawned on me that the poor man has been in the hospital for almost two months, and had to learn how to do basic skills again... Bear-hugging him like I hadn't seen a human in 46 years would NOT be wise!
So I hit the skids right as I embraced him, and ended up NOT knocking the dear man down, but still...
Talk about making a fool of one's self!
And yeah, I apologized profusely once he resumed appointments. He brushed it aside, but to this day, I'm sure he breathes a sigh of relief when I've left appearing contented to just shake his hand.
Hehe, little does he know.

So...on that note...!
HUGS TO YA!

Starry

((((STARRY))))

That's hysterical!

Thanks Meta, and LOL, Starry. That is a funny story AND it made me feel better