kmay, it's normal to be freaking out when you are looking at so many transitions at once.

First things first, you need to sit down with this new T and talk more about whether she is right for you based on her contact policy and your past experiences. If she's not quite right for you, she can refer you to someone who will be. DO NOT start weaning off your meds until you have established that you've found the right T for you and you've established some basic trust and rapport. That's my advice.

This is all hard, but you are doing amazing. Stay the course. It's going to be OK.

's Kmay!

I don't know what the right answer is to T's. I understand the needing contact and someone to understand what you are going through. Maybe you CAN do it on your own. Thing is you will never know unless you try. Was OldT enabling you to remain dependent by allowing unlimited contact? Is that a good or bad thing? Maybe what you really need are strategies as opposed to contact? Contact seems good - hell it was good for me, but I can't deny the fact that it caused me to be dependent on OldT. At the moment I'm in the same predicament as you with with my newT - no contact and it's hard - it's very hard.

Like I said I don't have the answers. Besides I think the answer varies from person to person and situation to situation.


B2W

BLT,

She did tell me the same thing. That she could refer me to someone else if I didn't feel like she was a right "fit". Thing is, I don't really know how I feel about the no contact outside of session thing. I wondered so many time with old T if how lenient she was actually helped me or hurt me. It was the first thing I ever posted about on the forum. I often felt like it debilitated me b/c I started to depend on her so much that I almost couldn't deal with any emotion on my own. Or it felt that way anyhow. So I was thinking that no contact outside of session might be better for me, but I don't know? I have nothing else to compare it to b/c old T was the only T I have ever been to. What if all is going ok and I build trust and a relationship with this new T and everything is working fine and then we start the ween and I discover then that I need outside contact? It will be too late then. Oh my...I am really having some anxiety about all this. Boo!

B2W -

Yes, I guess I will never know unless I try. Well, I am going to try not to overthink it for now. I will see how I feel after next session I guess. Which I am still waiting for her to email me back about so I can have a solid day and time to hang onto. Oh dear...what if she has forgotten about me already? I am having some serious issues over here.

I just want to remind you that outside contact isn't all or nothing. Many of us have outside contact, but not as much as you had with your former T. For example, I am allowed to call my T at any time, but I can only call her office phone and she NEVER picks it up. So I have to wait for a call back, and depending on when I leave a message it could be 24 hours or more before I get that. So when I leave a message, I know I will hear from her eventually but in the mean time I still have to deal with the situation on my own. For me, that is a good balance to have. What is good for you might be something else.

I think "what do I do if I have a crisis?" is a VERY good thing to discuss with a prospective T. It may be that you want someone you can call in an emergency, or you might be OK with your T helping you set up an emergency plan that doesn't involve her.

Also, I don't think she's forgotten you yet! But if she is consistently bad with getting back to you about appointments, you'll want to take that into consideration in your choice.

Guys - Can you give me your opinion about this? My new T said that I should email her after my appointment on Wednesday so that she will have my email and as a remidner to set up our next appointment. So I did. That was Wednesday afternoon. I still haven't heard anything. Mostly, I just need a solid day and time to hang onto to make me feel more stable. But aside from that, I am starting to think she forgot about me
What do you think is a reasonable amount of time before I email her again? I am feeling like I really need to just lock in a day and time so that I feel okay but then I wonder if she will think I am annoying and too needy if I email again? Oh dear

I don't think she will find you annoying or needy if you email again to remind her. Didn't she take a long time to get back to you initially, also? Some people are just really slow and forgetful with that stuff...

Hi Kmay,

My T has a very strict out of session contact policy that actually has been tremendously helpful. It was clearly stated and discussed up front, so I knew what I was getting in to, and it works for me. I can leave messages on Ts office phone whenever, and need to clearly ask for a call back if I need one, otherwise we'll discuss the message at my next appointment.

In this case, though, I'd email your T again, something like "I'm looking at my schedule for next week, and was wondering if you've found a good time that will work for us to meet each week?"

Also keep in mind that sometimes it takes a few so-so fits until you find the T that really fits with you. Not easy, but worth it!

kmay... you are NOT needy but you do have legitimate needs that she should be meeting such as keeping her word about responding to the email for an appointment. I wonder why she could not give you an appointment at the end of your session with her?

I know that you have had a difficult time getting appointments with Ts to interview and I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. The holiday season could have contributed to the difficulty in contacting Ts but that is over now and I think you should contact other Ts to find one that is a better fit for you.

I don't want to upset you but in my opinion this is not the T for you. I don't know you that well or your story but if you have any attachment hurts or injury then you need a very attuned, consistent, stable T with good boundaries who allows outside contact. Does this T have experience working with trauma and attachment? Does she understand attachment and what that entails??

I think those criteria are really important in allowing you the best T experience. If I were you I would keep searching.

Just the opinion of someone who has been through this. It took me 5 tries to find my T.

Hugs
TN

quote:

Some people are just really slow and forgetful with that stuff...

This is not acceptable in a T... especially with a brand new patient. Not a good impression.

TN

(((KMAY)))

Just want to point out that the last two times you tried to wean off your meds, you were pregnant. It seems likely that part of the problem might have been the pregnancy hormones. Maybe it won't be so bad this time?

Thanks Guys,

BLT - Yes, she was orginally slow to get back to me and she said it was due to the Holidays, which I can understand. But now I am feeling like this is a habit of hers and its a habit I may not be able to handle.

Room2Grow - Yes, I was thinking intitally that the no contact would be good for me vs. the situation I got into with old T. However, there were times with old T when just being able to shoot her a text asking if we were ok or for her to tell me I was ok was all I needed to stable me out. I sort of wish I could have just that with a new T. I also like what you said about "so-so fits". I think I was so happy to have a T call me back and to actually like her and like what I heard for the most part that I figured I would just settle for her. But the more I thought about it, I don't know if she is exactly what I need.

TN,
She told me at the end of the session that she has all her appointments logged into her Ipad and needed to look up where she can work me in next week until we got a more solid time locked in that worked for both of us. And yes, the more I have been thinking about it, I think I am going to ask her for a referral to someone else. She did offer that and said that I need to find the right fit. If I can get in to see her again then I am going to explain about feeling the need for the outside contact if I have to do a meds ween. I was thinking I could keep seeing her as well as try any referrals she gives me to feel it all out. I didn't have a chance to ask her questions b/c I was crying so much trying to explain what happened with old T. I was planning on asking her next appt. Thanks for your input.

Liese,
Yes thats the hard thing about my only two experiences with a meds ween. I don't know how much was hormones and how much was actually the depression problems setting in. I explained that to T as well.


Well, still no email from her It's Saturday and I emailed originally on Wednesday. I am going to send another email and tell her exactly how I feel and what I need. I guess her response will be my cue on what to do next.
Thank you friends for all your input.

(((KMAY)))

I find out of session contact really helpful too. I'm not sure I could have healed without it. You are probably right about her response time being a habit of hers unless she is more attentive when someone is actually a client. Are you out of options?

Liese,

No, I am not out of options. Just emotionally drained.
I have emailed and called twice and still nothing. Obviously, she is not the T for me. I don't understand. We connected well. And she was the one who asked if I wanted to come back again. Leaves me feeling like there is something very wrong with me. I have contacted about five other T's and left messages last night. I just started calling numbers in my insurance list and if they had a private voicemail (not a call center type message) then I left a voicemail. We will see what today brings.
I had an awful day yesterday. My meds are starting to not work properly again. I can always tell when its happening b/c I get the same exact symptoms. Each time it's happened before, they have just upped my dosage which is what got me in the position I am in now where I need to be completely weened off of them and start something new.
I called the Pdoc yesterday that my old T had referred me to. I only saw him once before and am not particularly fond of him. I was in tears when I left a message. I asked him to please call me back as I was having a big problem with my meds. He called back, never asked what was going on. Just said that he "could only fit me in tomorrow at 4:30". - those were his exact words "only fit me in"...I am starting to feel as though there is something very wrong with me that I am a complete burden to everyone and no one seems to want to help me. I didn't even bother with the appointment as I don't feel safe doing a meds change with him as he clearly does not have my best interst at heart. I mean, what kind of Dr doesn't even ask what is going on before setting the appointment and then doesn't even question it when I say, nevermind, forget the appointment. I feel like I am living in the twilight zone over here. To top it all, old T had told me when I ended therapy with her that she would always be there if I needed her. That she didn't want me to ever feel like she was abondonding me. I send her several messages over the weekend (which is the first time I have contacted her for help since I left) and asked her if I could talk to her. She messaged me back yesterday and told me that she is afraid of hurting me or creating too much dependance and told me I should talk to my new T. Uuumm well...I don't have a new T but how can I tell her that if she won't talk to me? I feel alone, abandoned, and incredibly unstable at the moment. There has got to be a reason for all of this right? Some kind of big shining light at the end of the tunnel that is going to make everything make sense?

quote:

Leaves me feeling like there is something very wrong with me.

There is something definitely weird about these T's not getting back to you, but I'm pretty sure it isn't you!

Your old T is kind of a mess anyway I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time finding a new one. I would be feeling horrible too in your place and like it was my fault. But it's not!

Kmay,
I also, along with BLT, want to assure you that its not you. At all. Ts unfortunately can sometimes be very bad at the business end of their business. So its not about you, its about something to do with them.

I have a really wonderful caring T, whom I have no doubt loves me, but his response time to non-emergency communications is TERRIBLE. I emailed him last week on a Sunday to ask him to clarify our appt time as my appt card was illegible. He responded on Thursday. But I know him, and I know he's slow to get to that stuff, so it doesn't bother me anymore (took a LONG time to get here.) But his not answering me is about his time management, and his own weaknesses.

So I don't think you imagined the connection, I think you just found someone who may not always be timely in their communications. Which is a very valid reason to keep looking for a therapist, but says nothing about you.

AG

Hi kmay,
I hope you find a suitable T soon...for it to be one of those things that works itself out and SOON! One line here in your response to Liese sums up how things are "it seems to me" to some people...

She messaged me back yesterday and told me that she is afraid of hurting me or creating too much dependance and told me I should talk to my new T.

I'm sorry I really feel for you...I would say the wrong thing if I comment too much! I really understand how you would feel abandoned, alone.

's
Hopeful

(((KMAY)))

Just wanted to say that it's not you at all. These T's don't know you. Either they are busy or disorganized or both. And, I'm sorry for how your P treated you. My guess is that you are there right now or just leaving. I hope he was helpful.

And, on top of it all, it really stinks that OldT wrote what she did. Just when you really need someone to help and you're reaching out for support. Sometimes life does feel cold and it's easy to feel alone. It does feel like people are turning their backs on us and we don't know why. It can feel like there IS something inherently wrong with us. But Kmay, nothing is wrong with you. I hope P was able to help you today. Please come back and tell us how you are doing.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for all your support. Well, I got several call backs from all the calls I made earlier in the week. I have been to two appointments. I want to tell you about the one today and see what you think. The T I saw today, I was looking forward to b/c she had called me back the very next morning after I left the message. I had missed the call and she left a message and then even called me back again in the afternoon before I could call her back. I remember thinking to myself she must be a newer T and have an open schedule, and that thought made me feel like she might not be the right fit. But when I finally talked to her, she was so caring. She was the only T out of all the ones that called me back that asked me to share with her a little bit about what was going on. All the others just asked for insurance info and a time slot I could come in. This one asked me first to explain what kind of situation I was in (if I was in crisis) and then asked me to share what was going on. So I was looking forward to seeing her today. I accidentally arrived 30 mins early (had appointment time wrong in my phone) but she said we could start anyway. I have to be honest, when she walked out into the waiting room, I almost got up and ran. She is much older. Looks almost like a Grandmotherly figure. She is very thin and tiny and for some reason that made me feel like she was fragile and weak and I need strong right now. She said she was going to use the restroom and would be back in so we could start. I almost got up and left. I actually started to write her a little note on the paperwork I was filling out apologizing for leaving, but something in me told me to just stick it out. I felt very sure during the first ten minutes that I should have ran while she was in the bathroom. But then the more we started talking, the more comfortable I got. Then the weirdest thing happeend. I just started pouring all this stuff out of me about old T and about my pain and I cried, but I cried differently than I have before. I am used to trying to control my crying. I fight it without even knowing I am doing it. But today, it just poured out of me. I mean naturally...and it felt good. It felt different. It was real pain pouring out and although it gave me an awful headache , it felt relieving.
By the end of the session, I felt comfortable with her and like it was a natural connection.
She has been in practice for over 20 years. She said that she is very familiar with attachment issues and that she has worked with several people who have terminated (good or bad) with long term T's and needed to process or heal afterward. She also said she is very familiar with the issues involved in growing up in an alcoholic home. Soooo..I have made another appointment with her. Its on Tuesday. We will see how it goes.

aww kmay, I am glad you didn't run and you got to get some stuff off your chest and have a good cry!! I'm glad you're finally hearing back, and I know you'll find the right T soon, whatever you decide!

kmay that is fabulous news. And good for your for sticking it out and not running. Even more kudos for perservering in finding the right T for you. I know it took me six weeks and 5 T's to find mine. But I knew from the start, even in my awful grief and trauma, that he was the right one. He also took time on the phone to probe a little into my situation and he sounded like he really cared.

I like that this new T has experience with not only attachment, but also with clients with prior failed therapies. This is very good news. I'm so happy you are seeing her again so soon. I think the crying you did felt different this time because your defenses were down. You were using up all your energy lately to just survive and with those defenses weakened you were able to let your emotions flow more freely. It sounds like it was a good cathartic cry. I spent most of my early sessions with T crying more than talking. It was what I needed and he was so kind about it.

So, did you like her office? Did you talk about outside contact? I like that she is a grandmotherly type and she also sounds very nurturing in a good, experienced way.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I had been thinking of you and hoping to see good news.

Hugs
TN

Thanks friends :-)
Tn ~ yes! I almost forgot. She does allow outside contact. She checks her messages all through the day and will call back between sessions. About her office....well let's just say that I don't think she has redecorated since she started her practice over 20 years ago....but she is on the second floor with a lovely view of trees and hills. I'm still not 100 percent on how I feel but I think I will have a better idea after Tues.

Kmay... glad about the outside contact. As for decor, my T has such a basic office that needs a paint job. Even oldT whose office I loved had awful furniture. Looked like it came from Goodwill LOL.

I think you should read your own quote. I'll bet there is the rainbow peaking out of your soul tonight!

I look forward to hearing about the next visit.

TN

Tn,
Thank you....I was just laying in bed thanking God for giving me the tiniest bit of emotional release today...so yes, the rainbow may be ever so slightly peaking out....

Kay that's great news sounds like it was a cathartic yet safe experience. Big hugs to you

Kmay,
That sounds like a good start. Hope it all goes well.
Starlight

kmay, good on you. I am really happy for you. She sounds pretty good so far. The first time my T called me she asked me a lot of questions and we pretty much connected quickly, so hopefully you are as lucky. Take care.

Thank you Friends
I am going back on Tuesday. I feel nervous now. Like I'm not sure if we really connected or if I just reached my limit emotionally and it all poured out at that time with her. But then again, I keep thinking about all the things she said. She truly understands attachment/abondment issues. I remembered afterward too that she also said that if I could hang tight for about 2 to 3 weeks with a schedule of her fitting me in when she could, then she would get me a permament schedule of the time and day that I needed. Do you know how long it took for me to get that with old T? This T knew right away that I would need that consitency without me even telling her. I'm sure I'm just scared. Scared of change, scared that she will let me down.

Oh and guess who emailed me on Friday (9 days after I orginally saw her, and 2 emails and 2 phone calls later) !!??
That T who I thought I connected with so well who said she was gonna be with me for a year at least and had a referral to ween me off the meds, ect. After both emails and both phone calls, all her email said was "Does 1:30 on the 23rd work for you? " - This would have been over two weeks since I first saw her. She said nothing about not getting back to me, no apology, no excuse, nothing. Makes me mad. I mean I was really feeling like there was something very wrong with me that she wouldn't get back to me. I shared with her about the feelings with old T and she knew I felt alone and abondoned and then she kicked me while I was down! Just goes to show....people are not always who you think they are.

((kmay))
i've been following your story but have been away and havent been in a good place to offer support or anything useful to say. feeling a bit better now and wanted to say i am glad that things are going better for you. i am also appalled at the lack of sensitivity / ethics / just plain old politeness of some therapists!!! sorry you had to go through that!
this new T sounds nice and very capable. keep asking the important questions in the beginning and testing her (not sure if thats good advice but thats what i would do).
i really hope it continues to go well with this T! good luck for tuesday

puppet

Puppet,
Thank you. I really hope you are feeling better now.

Kmay good luck with your Tuesday appointment with ths new T. I hope it goes as well as the first one did (or better). As for that VERY late email reply from the other T you saw... I would just ignore it and not even bother to respond. She had a lot of nerve to ignore you for so long when she knew what you were struggling with. Her behavior was unprofessional at best.

Let us know how it goes. Oh and BTW, my current T did the same thing with me regarding appointments. In the beginning for the first two months I had to take whatever appointment he could find for me and I got moved around a bit for my once per week appointment but he kept reassuring me that he would get me a regular spot twice a week because he felt that would be most beneficial for me. He would also give me a second appointment whenever he had a cancellation which helped until I got my regular appointments. He is a super good T and very worth waiting for. I hope you get into a regular appointment very soon.

Hugs
TN

TN - No way was I going to respond to that T. I almost wanted to, just so I could put a remark in there about how I had to find someone else as I was feeling kicked while I was already down, but I didn't waste the air space. I don't think she is tune enough to make anything of it anyway.

Appointment went well. Except that I was about 20 mins late b/c I got stuck at work So it was a shorter session, but didn't take long for the tears to start pouring out. All she did was mention old T and they just started burning out of my eyes. She said that she thinks the 3 things we need to concentrate on that are affecting my depression are the traumas I was processing with old T when we ended, my medication change, and old T herself. She says that the medication and old T are a tie for priority.
I have set an appointment with the Pdoc to start the meds ween (which I am scared to death of by the way) and she says she will be with me and work with Pdoc the whole time.
I am surprised at how much pain I am in over old T. I had a dream about her last night and I woke up with tears streaming my face. I didn't know you could really cry in your sleep.
I cried alot with new T today...similar to last time. I told her that was the reason I made a second appointment with her. Because I have never been able to just let my emotions out like that, so it must be a safe place for me. Do you know I did not cry one single tear with old T for almost the whole first year I saw her? Not one. I would curl up and hide, not talk, shake, but never ever cried one single tear. And when I finally did start letting emotions out with her, they were very controlled and contained. Not a very healing way to cry.
New T said to me today "Thank you for giving me another chance by scheduling a second appointment with me." - what a thoughtful and selfless thing to say
So...I am doing okay. I am scared to death of the meds ween, but I know it needs to happen. T says that my irritability level, my problems with decision makeing, concentrating, are all signs that the medication has plautoed again. I know this is true too. I can feel it.
I am hurting a lot about old T. Alot. New T says that I have to grieve as if someone died. So funny, I was thinking last week that it feels like someone died. The pain, the not being able to talk to her, the hurt, the feeling of abondonment, ect.
I think that new T really knows what she's doing.

I wanted to thank you all for your support. I have not been commenting on many posts as I just feel like I am not in a good place to say anything helpful. But I want you all to know that I am reading and that without your support, this may have gone a much different way for me. So thanks

quote:

"Thank you for giving me another chance by scheduling a second appointment with me." - what a thoughtful and selfless thing to say

I really liked reading that Kmay. It's a good indication of the type of person she is. My T also told me that he was really happy that I showed up for my 2nd appointment because I was in such bad shape he didn't think I would. But there was something that kept drawing me back to him even in my trauma. I really felt that if I could just keep going it would get better. And he was so good and knowledgeable. He was already answering all my questions BEFORE I had the chance to ask him.

And your new T is correct. You need to grieve as if it was a death. I felt this way too. I was not sure at the time if I was grieving the death of my oldT relationship or the death of myself. I kept telling people it was like someone died but there was no body and no funeral to mourn at. But you do need to grieve and to do it with someone who can be there to help you through it. It sounds like this T will be good for you and that you feel comfortable enough to let your emotions go in her presence.

So far it sounds like she will be a great support and resource for weaning off the meds. Try to lean on her and not try to do it alone. It's much less scary when someone is there for you. You can do this!

Please do not worry about responding to others just now. Keep your energy for healing. There are times when we all take and times when we are able to give. It all evens out in the long run. This place was a huge support for me for many months after oldT abandoned me. So if I can give back now I am happy to. Your time will come too.

When do you see her again?

Keep us updated.
Hugs
TN

Hi Kmay,
Nice to here it went well again.
I know how it feels to start again. My old T left very suddenlu 18 months agoa and I was in a complete panic. The replacement I saw, whoo I had seen as a back up a couple of years earlier, then told me that she was almost certainly leaving soon.
She did leave, but organized my replacement and It was the best thing that happened to me. We are such a good fit and I can open up to her som much more than I did with old T. I was also able to cry for the first time in therapy.
It is a bit difficult now as she is pregnant, but I she does not want me to change and I will now change to seeing her in her private clinic rather than the hospital.
Bit long winded way of saying that I was devasted when T left, but now am doing so much better with new T.

Starlight

Thank you Starlight

I am really liking new T so far. I am so surprised by this b/c she is the only one who I got this weierd feeling to turn and run right when she walked out of her office. I guess its true..."If it makes you uncomfortable, its probably the right thing." or whatever that saying is lol.
I called T on Friday to see if I could get into to see her. We didnt have our next appointment until Tuesday but recently I am in the center of a lot of chaos. My Dad was admitted to the hospital. He had been having problems with being short of breath and was swelling up in his feet and legs but never said anything to anyone until he couldn't take it anymore. When he finally let it out he had to be rushed to emergency and they almost lost him. his heart rate was in the low 30's. He has now been admitted, is being given injections in his abdomen to absorb the fluid which made it all the way into his lungs. He has to have bypass surgery in a few days and Dr says he will be in the hospital for a long time b/c of all the complications from letting it go too long. Then he will be in rehab. Good news is...that means no drinking. I was surprised at how mild his withdrawl symptoms were. He has already gotten through the worse part of it which was basically him acting a little crazy. He seems to be ok now, so I think he had slowed down alot on the drinking recently probably b/c he didn't feel well. When he was withdrawling, he told the doctor to get the papers ready to sign himself out AMA. The Dr told him if he did that, he would die. Long story short, my Mom asked us (me and my brother) to go to the hospital with her to tell him how we felt. He was extremely irritable and told my brother to get the f*** out when he was trying to talk. I just told him that I loved him and I didn't want him to die, but I was not going to beg him to live and I left. I couldn't handle it and had to take a double dose of anxiety meds just to get through it, which then made me like a zombie for the rest of the day which I don't like when I am with my kiddies. Anyhow, he has settled down now and seems to understand more clearly the seriousness of the situation and that he needs to stay. Anyhow, amongst all this chaos I became extremely anxious. It reminded me of when I was a child and had to always take care of my parents when they were "sick"...make all the decisions, keep everything in line and everyone safe. Especially the part about him trying to leave the hospital. I love my Dad, regardless of the harm his drinking caused me, I love him dearly. I want him to live but I was not going to beg him to. I was not going to do that. I used to do that when I was younger. Beg him to stop yelling, to calm down, to leave my Mom alone, to not drive drunk. I was not going to put myself there.
So...I ended up calling T b/c I really just needed to talk and sort through everything. She was not able to get me in, but I just love the way she communicates. She called me back and left a message as I could not answer. She said "First of all, thank you for calling me. I was hoping someone would cancel, but it hasn't happened. I can come in tomorrow (Saturday) at 7:30am if you like. I know its early, but I will come in for you." I wasn't able to b/c of my kiddies, but I just found her message so genuine and caring and kind that it calmed me. Even though she didn't really say anything super special, I just felt good from it.
If I am being honest, this thing with my Dad has actually been a distraction from the grief of T. (does that sound awful?) It has provided me with some relief. The pain was becoming unbearable and overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it. The feelings and worry with my Dad can be channeled better. There are things I can do to ease it. I can talk the Dr to get answers, I can sit with him and see that he is ok. I can make him laugh and bring him things to comfort him.
With Old T...I can't do anything with the grief and pain. It just overwhelms me. I don't know if that makes sense.
Well, that is an update on me...I hope everyone is doing well. Hopefully I will be feeling stable enough to start supporting others again soon. I am just not there yet. But thank you again to everyone for your support.

(((kmay)))

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

I love that your new T is so caring and thoughtful!

I understand about the grief/loss of the relationship with your former T. I know you saw her for an extremely long time. I only saw my former T for 2.5 years and I'm struggling. I had a dream a few weeks ago about my former T and I woke up crying as well. I had another one last night, but I didn't cry this time. I could feel the touch of her hand and felt comforted.

Thinking of you kmay and sending safe and comforting hugs

(((KMay)))

I still have vivid and emotional dreams about ExT that make me cry, sometimes in the dream and sometimes when I wake up and realise all that I dreamt about can never be. It's been almost a year since she left me. I will say the dreams are becoming less frequent and maybe I don't cry for as long and with as much intensity but they are still there and I do still cry. She is not always my very first thought in the morning and my very last thought before I fall asleep, but she is still always in my thoughts at different times of the day. She really has no idea what she did to me!

Re what your father said to your brother...to "get the f... out when he was trying to talk". That can be truly damaging and leave your brother with a tremendous scar if something were to happen to your father. If you can speak to your mother or father about that in order for your father to apologise to your brother then I would strongly suggest you do that. If not, do you think maybe you and your brother could seek comfort from each other at this time? I understand the primary focus is your fathers health right now, but that doesn't give him the right to be hurtful to his son and/or family. One of the main reasons why so many people struggle with death is because of feelings associated with regret, yet there are often windows of opportunity where people can make amends for their differences. This may not be a thought of yours right now, and I am certainly not telling you what to do, it is just a thought. You see my father died and I had regrets as well as mixed emotions which added to the guilt. It takes years to sort that out in your head - to be honest maybe you never do.

Other than that I hope your father recovers well because I do understand that even though you may not have had the ideal relationship with your parents, they are still your parents and you do love them. It's sometimes hard to understand that attachment.

KMay, you've found a great new T which I hope you realise makes all the sense in the other T not getting back to you on time. Sometimes things happen for a perfectly good reason.


B2W