Friends,
Thank you for all your support. What a week its been! Emotional and draining. Dad was transferred to a new Hospital on Sunday. He was scheduled for Surgery on Tuesday morning. On Monday he had a cath lab test done in order to better see what needs to be done in his heart. They put in a temporary pacemaker that is attached to an artery with tubing coming out of his groin area. When he woke up from the test he was very disoriented, confused. He started screaming and trying to get out of bed. He started cursing at everyone and trying to yank his tubes out. They had to strap him to the bed and sedate him. They thought he may have had a stroke so they cancelled surgery until they could figure out why he was so combative and disoriented. Turns out, the sedative they gave him to knock him out for the test can have a psychotic reaction in some people, which is what happened
Good news is there was no stroke. It was a very traumatizing thing to see. I went to visit him today and he was still strapped down to the bed. He was mumbing and whining in his sleep. He had bruises on his wrists from trying so hard to get out of the straps. I softly talked to him. He woke up a bit and I explained everything to him. He calmed down so the nurse took the restraints off since I was sitting with him. I brought his favorite poetry book and I read him poetry for an hour and a half. He slept peacefully the whole time. It felt good to care for him like that. Even though he never cared for me that way, it felt good to comfort him. I think that is a healthy step for me.
I have been loading up on the anxiety meds, which is not really the state I like to be in, but I have to in order to avoid feeling like I am completely losing it. My Mom has been the main contact that the Hospital calls to update so I have been depending on her for updates. She is constantly not telling me everything b/c she doesn't want to "worry me." It makes me crazy. I spent my entire childhood being the adult. Taking care of the drunks, seeing things that no child should have to see. I had no protection, no sense of safety. And now that I am an adult...I am being treated like a child. She is keeping things from me to "protect me."....Jeezuz. These people are all bass-ackwards. Anyway...I went ahead and made contact with the Nurse myself to get updates and all the info. I also talked to the Dr and I wrote my name down on his chart to contact for updates
- another healthy step?
I saw T today...I told her about all of it. About the reading to my Dad and comforting him until he was calm. She wonders how I became so nurturing when I had such a lack of it when I was younger. She says its amazing that I have turned out how I have. I though that was a very nice thing to say. And it feels so genuine. I remember with old T feeling sometimes she would say something just b/c she felt she had to boost me up, not b/c she meant it. It doesn't feel that way with new T. New T is very anxious about the possibility that old T may contact me. (Remember old T is a family friend, somewhat removed) but is bound to find out what is going on with my Dad and "may"...thats a big "may" call to check on me. I won't answer it. I doubt she will, but new T seems very concerned about it. She says it makes her a bit anxious and that she thinks it would have a terrible effect on me if she did. I know I won't answer if she does call. I had another dream about her a few nights ago. I was with a friend in a room of a home we were deocrating and we were laughing about something. Laughing really hard to the point we had tears in our eyes. We were having a great time. All of the sudden I saw T come into the house. There were other peole around so we tried to scoot in and out of the crowd to leave b/c I didn't want her to see me. We went from room to room and she just kept following. Just seeing her was so painful, all I could think was, I have got to get out of here. I tried so hard to get away but she came to me. I was dying inside. I wanted to turn and run b/c it hurt so bad to even be close to her. But I just stood there instead...being polite and conversating b/c I didn't want to hurt her. Make her feel bad or anything. So I stood there wretching in pain so that I wouldn't hurt her feelings by leaving or telling her how I felt. (story of my life...stuffing my pain to spare others) I woke up crying from that one too
Well, the good news is (I realized today) that just a few months ago, I never would have been able to get through something like this situation with my Dad, without old T. Never. So I guess I'm making some progress, right?
Well Friends, tomorrow is Dad's surgery. Open heart - 2 valve replacements and an aneurysm repair. It's a difficult and dangerous one. I appreciate any prayers and well wishes. I will update you. Thanks for listening if you read this far....
Kmay - how's Dad? Thinking of you.
