that's awful, woodensoul. I'd feel absolutely horrible if my T accused me like that.

I know sometimes folks lose it when they read criticism about themselves. But a T should be able to deal with that without taking it out on you.

Woodensoul,

I can't even imagine. I can't believe she would ask you if you had made the comment. Did you leave the session with her still thinking it could be you?

I'm pretty sure wherever the comment was made from, it can be traced to the location of the actual computer the comment came from, by the ISP. So, I think it would be easy to prove it wasn't you. That's what she should have done before accusing a client!

I can't even imagine my T even asking if I did something like that. I'm so sorry, woodensoul.

You did the right thing by telling her, your intentions were in the right place. It really stinks that it was thrown back in your face like that.

OW

Woodensoul,

OMG!!

I am at a loss for words. I don't know what I would do if my T said those words to me when I was only trying to help. It does not sound very professional to me.

Maybe your T needs to see their T to work this through. I really dont' think that you deserved the reaction you were given.

As OW said, you did the right thing, and your intentions were true. Be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

Kats

Woodensoul,

I'm speechless! I think your T needs to go see HER T!!!! Sounds like a lot of anger and guilt going on there.

If my T thought that I had said bad things about her, she would try to find out why and "what that means" to me to have done that. She would never have accused me. Therapy is supposed to be all about the client, not about the T.

I hope you are finding a way to cope.

PL

I feel like someone ripped my skin right off of me. She is my new T. I want to see my old T so badly. I miss her so bad. I even called and asked her to call me back but I know she won't because she told me she can't.

The new T told me that she wasn't acusing me but that she was asking me so that she could get it out of the way. What bothered me most was how she told me WHY she thought I'd have done it. I told her that she does not know me if she thought those things. I am still crying. She kept saying things like "I am sorry that this hurt you." But never I am sorry for wondering if it was you.

This isn't the first weird thing she's done with me. I feel so lost. I really wanted this to work. In so many ways she is a good therapist but I have been burned before and I am trying to figure out if this is in my best interest to stay with her. I think if I leave her I will not seek out another T. I have no guidance on who to go to anyway. My T told me she'd help me find a new T if I wanted her to but I don't trust what she'd tell the new T.

I was thinking of just finding one on my own and telling them that my old T retired and that I can't get a hold of her and so we must start from scratch.

God help me this is the WORST

I also told her that if she wants to sue me then so be it. I have some attorney's that I know who'd do anything to help me. Then I realized that it could be a slippery slope to open up my therapy session to some attorney. Afterall she knows by far more about me than I do about her. She said she wasn't going to sue me that she believes I didn't do it.

~

I am so sorry woodensoul! How awful! I'm dumbfounded by your T's behavior and am not surprised that it upset you so much. I would be completely devastated and would probably not go back. Any T that can't handle criticism, threatens legal action, and starts pointing fingers has a serious ego complex and probably can't see the world beyond her own nose, let alone see anything anyone else does objectively. I know you have been already struggling so much with having to switch T's, so this must be especially difficult.

But even though she said she believes I didn't do it I still feel like she violated something in me. That there is a breach of trust.

I know for a fact that she told another therapist that she thought it was me. I know she used my name. I know the other therapist because I was in group with her. This has left me feeling slimy and icky.

Hey River we posted at the same time.

I just wish someone would hold me right now. I feel all exposed and almost like a little kid.

I trusted her. I don't know if I can trust her again. I want to talk to my old T. I miss her.

WS,

Did she just ask if you'd done it, and then move on? Did she give you some reason to think she didn't believe you when you said, "no"?

I told her once that my dad would hurt me so that he could console me afterward. She thought that I was trying to hurt her so I could console her. This is what hurts. I feel she is using my trust and my past against me. It's like saying that because my father did something that I would do it too.

Well, I feel like I can relate to a similar thing happening; at one point, one of my two group Ts, when I mentioned that I'd been involved in bullying when I was young, assumed I was the bully. I hated the very idea of it, 'cause it's something I'm quite against. It hurt.

Yes that is how I felt too Wynne. And it does hurt badly.

as a child I hurt other so I could console them. AS A CHILD. But she seems to think I am still doing this. WTH? I am not as simple as a child anymore. I have grown up. I don't do waht I did as a child. It really upsets me. I asked her how she is ever going to get to know me when she makes such generalizations about me.

WS- I'm new here, and didn't really plan on commenting so soon, especially without introducing myself, but I am moved by how upset this accusation has made you. I just wanted to say a few things, but I understand that I am new here, and that my words may carry little weight.

1) I am sorry that your were so hurt today. I can only imagine that you must be angry, sad and offended, especially experiencing this with a new T. I certainly resonate with your longing for your old T, I'm sure some understanding and comfort could do you some good right now.

quote:

I told her once that my dad would hurt me so that he could console me afterward. She thought that I was trying to hurt her so I could console her.

quote:

as a child I hurt other so I could console them. AS A CHILD. But she seems to think I am still doing this. WTH? I am not as simple as a child anymore. I have grown up. I don't do waht I did as a child.

2) Even though you are an adult and have grown up, in my experience, a lot of things that come up in therapy are often things that we did as a child, but don't realize we are still doing. It's patterns like these, that often drive us to therapy. While I think your T should have been way more sensitive and shouldn't have expressed her feelings about getting an attorney involved, to me, her reasoning behind the question wasn't totally out of line. I'm not suggesting you would do such a thing, not at all, but it is possible, given your history you mentioned with your dad, the nature of transference, and the fact that she doesn't know you very well yet, that it COULD have been you.

Well, my thoughts are with you as you struggle with what to do next. I am glad, however, that your T brought this up to you now instead of suspecting you and never saying anything. I think that could have potentially been much more painful long term.

Thank you HB your advice is sound. Thanks for understanding how devastating this is to me. Anyone who knows me at all would know that I would NEVER do what my T thought I did. She needs to face that there is someone out there who did this and she may not be able to figure out who it is. My heart is broken.

And now I worry that she is reading this as I told her of this group. I may just change my ID. I'm sorry you guys.

quote:

I'm not suggesting you would do such a thing, not at all, but it is possible, given your history you mentioned with your dad, the nature of transference, and the fact that she doesn't know you very well yet, that it COULD have been you.

It COULD have been anyone. There were things mentioned that I would have NO WAY of knowing about. And I think it is completely unfair to hold my past against me. Just because my parent did something to me does not mean that I do it now.

WS,
I'm sorry I can only begin to imagine how you must feel. I know this T is new, but how long have you been seeing her?

I must admit that my first response to your story (I read it before you took it down, but was not in a place to respond) was RUN, now walk away from this woman. From what you said, you she was much more concerned about herself than she was about you. And having something that you made yourself vulnerable enough to share, then thrown back at you, would of course feel like a betrayal. I'm really sorry.

You need to decide what to do, but would it be possible to go back to your old T and ask her to help you find another T. All you really need to say is that she wasn't a good fit.

AG

Dear WS,
I am sorry that my comment seems to have upset you more. I was simply trying to provide a different perspective. I wasn't suggesting that it was you at all, just that I could see how your T might have thought so. I agree that it was unfair of her to judge you and accuse you, no matter what her reasoning. Sorry for not being very helpful.

HB-

Thanks for the welcome!

CT

I admit CT that I wondered if you are not my T.

WOW!

I can ASSURE you that I am not your T or anyone else's! I would make an awful, codependent T!!!!1 ummm..... i don't know how i can prove it to you tho. What would help you feel better about that? A pic of me and my husband? to know about my history? I posted a few other things last night if that helps... Please let me know how I can help you here, I am at a loss.

Don't worry about it. I will leave the group.

Good luck.

wow. I knew I never should have put myself out there on one of these groups like this. I debated saying anything for days and I should have gone with my first instinct to not say anything at all. I can't even help other people without screwing it up. I'm gone, don't worry about it.

whoa, whoa, how about if nobody leaves?

Woodensoul, I know you feel hurt and upset by the comment and it probably felt like a pile on at a time when you were already dealing with enough. And I understand that to be misunderstood when you were seeking understanding wants to make you run so that you can feel safe. But you are safe here. It was a misunderstanding and one made out of an intent to help you. We can't avoid being hurt or let down by other people. We're all human and so let each other down. What we need to learn is that our relationship can continue past these disruptions. Please don't leave.

CT,
I hate to say goodbye before I've welcomed you. You made a mistake, but again, out of intent to help. And anyone can do that at anytime. We're all dealing with very deep issues and can be in a lot of pains at times. No matter how careful we're being, we're going to occasionally say the wrong thing. Leaving isn't really a solution. But an apology being accepted could be. This should be a good place to practice for all of us.

I hope both of you will reconsider, its a loss to all of us to lose any of us.

AG

I want to second EVERY THING AG just said. I was sitting here trying to determine what I should say or if I should say anything.

There is no need for anyone to leave. Both of you are valuable no matter how new either of you are, or how long anyone has been here, or who said what. It is a misunderstanding of which BOTH of you are entitled to feel what you are feeling, but that doesn't mean it can never be worked out or that anyone has to leave.

Whether apologies are accepted or not we can move on. This is a prime place to bump into each others issues, but the truth is they are most likely our own issuses we are bumping into that makes us most uncomfortable. But it can be worked through. Trust me, I've had my share of issues to work though here and I have found a true friend in that process and it is also one of the most beautiful and honest friendships I have expereinced though I've never met this person face to face.

Just give it some time. You don't have to become best friends, but you don't have to leave. There's plenty of room for both of you here. Ok?
JM

And may I add...
I would be horribly sad if anyone leaves. I have met some of the worlds finest, bravest, and most loving, caring people on this forum. And when anyone is away for a length of time it is noticed and they are missed. We all belong here.

Think about what attracted you to our forum.
It's still the same.

Can I second JM or should I third AG? Anyway, please don't feel you have to leave - either of you. It is the nature of written communication (especially when it is anonymous) to be misinterpreted from time to time but we need to give each other second, and third, and fourth chances to explain, apologize or agree to disagree or whatever. I haven't enjoyed everything everyone has said to me here but I have benefited so much from everyone's contributions to this forum. I would hate to see anyone leave.

Yeah! What they all said!!!

PL

I AGREE STAY!

quote:

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" (Plato)

Your signature line is so appropriate SB.

thank you JM

and from somebody 1000s years back too! it's a bit confusing tho at the moment as i'm gingerly saying hello the baying bloodhounds inside me. i mean how can u be both, kind and angry?????? and i don t want to end up like my mum hitting out in any which way she could.

quote:

wow. I knew I never should have put myself out there on one of these groups like this. I debated saying anything for days and I should have gone with my first instinct to not say anything at all. I can't even help other people without screwing it up. I'm gone, don't worry about it.

Everyone-

Okay, so I'm a little embarrassed for my overreaction (the above quote). I realize I could just delete my post, but I don't think that would really be the wisest thing. So, let me tell you what I REALLY meant to say earlier:

I am frustrated. It was very difficult for me to work up the nerve to post anything, and the fact that intensified WS's pain and made a poor first impression with this group is very upsetting. I take the feelings of others very seriously, as I am very sensitive, and I am disappointed in myself for overstepping a boundary and/or offending other people. I hate hurting other people's feelings and am annoyed with myself for not being more careful. I wish I had not said anything, that my post could magically dissolve and take the distraction and pain it caused with it.

Again, WS, I am sorry that what I said hurt you and made it worse. I never intended to be presumptuous, nor cause any discomfort. Both of us clearly need a safe place where we can express ourselves and have support, and I hope that this resource is not ruined for either of us.

CT

CT, I am glad you are back and I hope you can shake this off and leave it behind you. Beating yourself up over this isn't going to change anything. We're ALL very human and we'z alls gots issues.

I wish we could magically erase this for both of you and while we're at it I wish we could magically erase a lot of things in our histories. So far this creative forum has invented a time machine, an HTML slapper, and we have T-shirts made of the finest cotton for all occaisions, so why not a magical eraser?

If I missed anything let me know.

Oh yeah, I think we have hats somewhere too.
JM

Hi CT,
Welcome to the forums! It was very courageous of you to come back and say what you did. And its all good, we're a hard group to make a bad impression with. I'm looking forward to getting to know you.

JM,
You forgot about those lovely jackets that tie in the back! Of course, those are maybe a good thing to forget ...

AG

quote:

Originally posted by woodensoul:

quote:

I'm not suggesting you would do such a thing, not at all, but it is possible, given your history you mentioned with your dad, the nature of transference, and the fact that she doesn't know you very well yet, that it COULD have been you.

It COULD have been anyone. There were things mentioned that I would have NO WAY of knowing about. And I think it is completely unfair to hold my past against me. Just because my parent did something to me does not mean that I do it now.

WS...I am trying to get a handle on what has happened here.

I don't think you should leave the forum...or even change your id. What we write is often misunderstood and that's why we do this. It's a way to learn to be more clear in our meaning and statements.

Your T may have been reacting to your Googling her in the first place and could not identify what she was actually feeling/experiencing. Not your fault.
And...she may be very sensitive about the fact that something negative was posted about her. Again...not your fault.
We all use the internet for information and most T's would prefer that we didn't do that. This forum is one of the few that I have found that will not have an adverse effect on my therapy. At least I don't believe it will...after reading as much as I have.

This is what I believe CT was trying to express.
I believe she meant you no harm but was only trying to bring up what your T's point of view might have been.

Often times in therapy we bring up issues that we are afraid to talk about. And we bring them up as if they belong to someone else. I am not saying that you did this...but T's inevitably go there in trying to interpret or over interpret what we mean. They are not great at face value statements.
T's are very attuned to projections and transference's and sometimes overreact. This is what I believe happened and what CT was trying to express in her post.

This is when you need to put your foot down (with your T) and say...NO...it was not me! I am only telling you what I found! Believe me...she can find out who posted that comment! I also believe that she already knows exactly who it was, and that it was not you. They know who they have had major conflicts with...and you haven't been seeing her long enough to develop that yet. She may have used the topic as a "hot button" to attempt to find out how you were feeling about working with her. I don't think it was a good way to approach that issue...but if that is what she did then it is her problem and she will have to deal with it. I guess I would encourage you to try not to take that on yourself. If you choose to stay with her then she will know that whatever that negative comment was...you have chosen to ignore it and she will relax. It is not your responsibility to make her feel better so you must do what you feel is best for you.

Your T should not have reacted to you the way she did and I think that you will find that out on your next visit. She also should not have connected it to your history since she probably doesn't have enough of your history to make that judgment at this point. But since all our perceptions are clouded by our childhood experiences it is difficult for some T's to take a statement/action at face value.

I constantly argue with my T about this issue...it is a thorn in my side. Sometimes...a hug...is just a hug...nothing more...nothing less. You can believe me on this, I've tried it and will never do it again. *groan*

I feel like I am walking a barbwire tightrope even posting this comment. But believe me...my only wish is that you both stay as active members of this forum. We need all the help we can get!!! And I know it takes time and commitment to participate in a forum, especially one of this nature. It would be best for all of us...for both of you to stay and work it out.

WS...if CT really were your T....just think of the opportunity you have to work this out on the forum instead of the painful face to face that you are looking at with your next session. hmmmm.....


If I have just made a huge faux paux here....all of you have my permission to whack me with the HTML slapper or stupid stick. Geez....I'd probably like it. *weirdo...*

SD

quote:

Originally posted by Attachment Girl:
JM,
You forgot about those lovely jackets that tie in the back! Of course, those are maybe a good thing to forget ...
AG

LMAO...those are definitely something to forget, I wish I could. Along with the lovely bracelets that come with a bed attached!

Thanks for the support.

I am sure that CT is not my therapist. However before this online incident I told her of this cafe and my ID. She told me that she would not invade my privacy but now that this BS has happened with her I don't trust her further than I can throw her. So that is why I feel I can't stay here. It's not because of CT.

My new T has used my words against me too many times now. What I mean is I don't know if the trust can ever be restored. One of the things she used in her little "case" against me was something that I told her a week ago and I had never told anyone else. It took a lot for me to tell her that and now to think she is sharing this with her attorney and the therapists she consults breaks my effing heart.

I have been hurt too many times in these situations to be forgiving on this one. She has broken my confidence at least one other time before this.

I have no idea what to do. I know I need help but do not trust ever seeing another therapist. I even talked to my psychiatrist who is pretty cool and she said that my T is a gentle person who is one of the best therapists she knows of. THis did not help me in the respect that I feel it's a good ole boys club that they are going to protect each other at the sacrifice of a client if necessary.

I am furious at my T. I don't know if I can refrain from terminating with her. She told me if I ever do that it will be for good. I will not be able to reverse it. So if I utter the words "I quit" that will be it.

I am in agony and I am tired of being in agony over some stupid therapist who probably doesn't give two rat's asses about me. I mean it too. I am seriously looking into buddhism which actually frowns on psychotherapy seeing it as a crutch.

WS

I'm really glad you posted again, and I hope you don't leave for good. Even if you take a little break, I hope you lurk around and then let us know how things are going when you feel like it.

quote:

I am furious at my T. I don't know if I can refrain from terminating with her. She told me if I ever do that it will be for good. I will not be able to reverse it. So if I utter the words "I quit" that will be it.

This statement disturbs me. I know that people go in and out of therapy all the time. Sometimes they go back to see their T's after a long break because something has happened, or they need a tune up. I'm under the impression that most T's welcome them back with open arms, unless they have had a falling out.

It sounds to me like you and this T may not be a match. I forget how long you have been seeing her. It might be worth it for you to see her at least one more time to let her know you are angry and why. If you still feel uncomfortable, then you will have to decide whether you can go back or not.

It may seem to you as if your T and psych are in cahoots together. If so, then try to find a T without the help of your psych. I know that is not easy, but then you wouldn't feel betrayed. You said that you know you need help, so don't give up now.

I don't know enough about Buddhism to know what their thoughts are on therapy, but you might look into the practice of mindfulness meditation. I am learning this now and it is really helping me. Especially in moments of high anxiety.

I wish the best for you WS and again, I hope you don't leave us for good.

PL

Woodensoul,
I am so glad that you haven't left. But I am sorry for what you're going through. I went through feeling like the bottom of my relationship with my T fell out this week and its not a good place, I know how painful it is to feel like you can't trust the person who told you it was ok to trust them. But I really understand why you feel the way you do, I wouldn't be happy about the behaviors you're talking about I don't think she's a good fit either. I hate to see you give up on therapy altogethter as I believe that there are good therapists out there (mine is a good example) and you just need to find the right one,but I also totally understand how you feel.

But may I second PL in saying that even if you leave therapy, you don't have to leave us.

AG

You guys are probably a hundred times more therapeutic than any psychologist.

I appreciate your support and concern.

I am going to post the email I want to send my T in the next box.

Please let me know what you think of it.