sorry you are havin such a rough time. i can relate to how much you're missin her. iguess it's no consolation to you, but i have exactly 13 days to go too(haven't calculated the hours, minutes YET--lol). this website and these dialogs between all of us really are very comforting to me. i worry about that(my T says i worry too much), as to my intellectual side it seems to me to be a major weakness and "dependency" for me...but maybe you can find some solace in at least "talking" here. you know you're definitely among friends who understand here and won't judge you. hope you have a good week.

Hi JM,
Sorry it's getting so difficult again. I can only imagine what kind of pain you're experiencing that it's actually affecting you physically like that. I know that this situation is making your limbic system scream "YOU ARE IN DANGER. GET OUT NOW." But you're not, that's just a feeling (a very strong, scary, overwhelming feeling, but just a feeling. I don't want to minimize what you're going through.)

Your T is absent, but not gone. The connection with her is intact, not broken. She will be back, you are safe and you'll be able to feel that safety again.

Thank you for being so open about what you're going through. I think we often feel like we're being silly, or overreacting when the truth is that this is really difficult territory when you're building a secure attachment as an adult. It helps the rest of us to see that we're not the only one's going through these struggles.

Take good care of yourself, and try to do things that you know make you feel safer.

AG

Thanks for the kind words AJB, I do find solace here. Sometimes I still get lost deep within my own insecurities so it’s nice to have someone remind me I am among friends.

quote:

She will be back, you are safe and you'll be able to feel that safety again.

AG,
Thanks, My T does make me feel safer. So I have been writing her a letter the last few days as if I were really talking to her. I am telling her exactly what I am feeling and of course, how much I miss her. I find that helpful in knowing that she really is still there for me and that this separation is only temporary. It’s that realness that she often speaks of desiring me to have her and feel her so well, that she is always with me. I appreciate how you said that my connection with her is still intact and not broken. I know that is very true since I do feel her presence with me. I really do. Unfortunately the old emotional garbage can become so overpowering sometimes and I have to really exert myself to feel the secure attachment again. But it is always there, I just have to find it.

9 days, 13 hours, 29 minutes, and 48 seconds, but who’s counting?

I am still having emotional bouts that trigger the same weakness and tremors in my right arm. I reached for the newspaper this afternoon and my arm was shaking like I have Parkinson’s disease. It has been weak all day again today. I hate this and wish it would just go away. I am experiencing some very deep and raw emotions attached to some very old feelings. I don’t have very clear memories, but what is coming up clearly are the feelings I had as little girl when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though I was 8 yrs. old I have no memories of that trauma just a vagueness of the whole occurrence. She had a radical mastectomy and was in the hospital for a very long time, I do recall that it seemed like she was gone away forever. I can imagine only instinctively that this was very hard for me and when my mom finally did come home she was in a lot of pain and on pain meds and could not be very responsive to me or my needs. I don’t think I understood what was going on but I had a fear from that time on that my mother was going to die and I had to be a good little girl and not upset her. Then only a couple years later they found a mass on one of her lungs and biopsied that and it was benign. But the procedure was more drastic that what they had planned and she had to stay in the hospital longer and I recall she had several tubes coming out of her side and was on a respirator for a while. This I am sure was very terrifying for me. Even though she lived another 20 years before her breast cancer terminally reoccurred, I always feared losing her. Letting go is my BIG trauma. It is deep and very painful and coming up in huge waves since my T left. I anticipate her return and my learning that this separation can be rewarded with the same closeness we had before she left and will not have any negative impact on our relationship. She is healthy, vibrant, and will attend to my needs upon her return. But I also see that being a very intense moment for me to finally have someone give that to me.

I am tired so I am not sure if this makes very much sense. I hope it does.

ello Everyone...I'm back!!
The hospital experience almost wiped me out, but it had to be done! I thank God that there are no Cancer or Brain damage!!!!...I had to be tested for 4 days with no medications to see what was going on...I'm just glad it wasn't as bad as I had imagined it being.. I have a few problems, but none that can't be helped with meds...still have a few things to have checked out..a few more tests, but the worst is over...for now... I about died last week, sitting in that hospital, with my T right across the street...I can't wait till my session this week...to see him again!!..The neurologist that was testing me...told me I would have to have intense therepy for a good while for stress management...with guess who??? Yep...Well I gotta run for now, haven't had a chance to get caught up on the reading here this last week, I am still weak from the jolt of no meds...then all my meds again...sleeping alot...Hope to be back on course this next day or so, I missed you all, Talk to you real soon...A very happy Charlotte!!

Hi Charlotte, welcome back! Glad to hear that it wasn’t as serious as you anticipated. Must have been an ordeal anyway and I am glad for you that it is over. And how nice that you have to have intense therapy with “you know who.” I’m sure you’ll manage to deal with that somehow. Hope you get to feeling like your ol self.

JM

Hi Charlotte welcome back! Glad to here that the prognosis wasn't cancer or brain damage. And that you don't have to much longer to go until your next appointment. "Stress management" ain't that an understatement.

AG

JM,
I'm sorry the arm tremors are continuing, that doesn't sound like fun to deal with. I'm sorry so much is getting triggered by your T's absence, I know that these memories can be so extremely painful and overwhelming but the fact that you are able to feel them, and own them without resorting to denial behaviors is an incredible accomplishment. I know I have a tendency when I'm going through this stuff to get on my own case, like why is this such a big deal and why don't I cope better? I just want you to know from my vantage point you are displaying an incredible level of courage and fortitude in the face of overwhelming odds.

I wish I had a time machine to send you forward 9 days.

AG

Courage? You really think so? Thanks for your vote of confidence AG! I will try to absorb it.

And a time machine? You’d be my best friend forever if you did. But just the fact that you WANT to makes you pretty awesome in my book! –Thanks!

Well, ok, but the thought of how much I could make on the open market providing clients a way to get to their appts sooner makes me much less altruistic than you think.

I'd be rich, I tell you, rich beyond my wildest dreams! BWWAAAAHHHHAAAAAA!

(I think I drank too much coffee this morning. I'll just step away from the keyboard now.)

Only 8 more days left. “Only”-yea, if only it felt like only. I am really missing my T. I wonder how many times I’ve said that. I hope nobody is counting.

I had a dream about her last night. I like the dream because she felt so real in it. But I didn’t like the feelings that came up in my dream because another client was intruding on my time with my T and I became very jealous and angry and instead of verbalizing that I acted very childish and knocked something off a shelf that doesn’t even exist at her office. Heh, dreams are weird.

I wonder what it will be like to see her again for the first time. I fear I will be like a little child and I can see myself crying at her feet. So much has happened while she has been gone and I feel like I need a double session just to catch her up. Of course there are the raw emotions that this experience has exposed, but there are some serious family issues that have risen and I know I’m going to need more time than the usual session to even mention them.

I had to call my alcohol counselor yesterday morning because things got so intense for me that I had a craving at 9:30 in the morning. I have to admit though, waiting for him to return my call is nothing like waiting for my T to return my call. Which is fine by me because one wildly emotional, transference fueled relationship is enough for me. But he did return my call and he is very sensitive and keen about whatever triggers my urge to drink. He was very helpful and encouraging to me. I was going to stop seeing him because he usually isn’t that significant to me and my needs, and my T can do what he does, but she encouraged me to hold onto him while she is away. Good thing I did, because as it turned out I really needed him yesterday. But when she gets back I will terminate with him because I don’t see paying anymore out of pocket when my T is just as useful as he is. We (my T and I) had hoped that he would be more direct in the education process that I need to stay sober, but he is just another T with substance abuse credentials and I was looking for a more intense approach than what he offers.

Well I was hoping that by the time I finished typing that AG would have invented her time machine by now and transported me into next Wednesday. I guess I will have to wait just like everybody else.

Oh man, I knew there was something I needed to get done this morning!

I know 8 days can feel like an eternity. Actually, one day can if you're in the right place, but you're more than halfway through. I can definitely understand the feeling that a lot has built up,especially with family issues thrown into the mix. Could you leave a VM and ask for a double session? Or even a second appt sooner than a week? I know she won't get it until she returns, but at least she'd have a heads up.

And don't worry about what you do when you see her. Your feelings are your feelings and I know your T will understand.

Smart move hanging onto the alcohol counselor to help get through this, although I totally get why long-term you don't really see the need. And that's awesome that you reached out for help instead of for a drink! Go JM!

And I promise that as soon as I finish it, you'll be the first to use the Time Machine.

Hang in there!

AG

Only 8 more days left. “Only”-yea, if only it felt like only

JM:
we're in the same boat! 8 days for me too. seems like an eternity. i'm just glad the days are in the single digits now. lol.very proud of you for the way you're hanging in there. just think, after tomorrow, it'll be just like you just left your session and "only" have a week to go!

Thanks for sharing your boat with me AJB. If it weren’t for being in the boat, I fear I would be drowning. At least I have good company whilst I wait for my appointment to finally come.

The first thing I am going to tell her is, “Don’t even THINK of doing this anytime again soon or you WILL find me packed and sitting on your curb!” To heck with that, I’m moving in. (Who hasn’t thought about that?)

Did I mention my neck and back are spasming today? At least the tremors and weakness in my right arm are gone! oi vey!

Gosh, JM, you get to have all the fun!

(I'm so sorry this has been so difficult.)

AG

JM:

ONLY 7 days now!!!!we can do this!!!lol.
glad your arm is better, but sorry about the spasms.i hope it is ALL better soon for you.

Wow! You're right about the single digits-it makes it appear much closer. LOL

Only 6 days now. That's LESS than a week. You make this so much fun AJB-thank you! I could almost forget about my neck pain.

I got up at 4:00Am just to say that.

quote:

Gosh, JM, you get to have all the fun!

Yea, I really know how to live don't I?

Just Me I want to say that I admire your courage in the way you are handling your T's absence. I have barely made it through waits of 11 days or so. Actually, I have barely made it through a week without talking to him. I know how much the anxiety can ramp up when you need to talk to them. My only ways to cope are to post on the Boards, to journal and to write and to talk to helpful friends. I also use the time to Google lots of psych stuff oh and transference stuff too. Right now I'm reading Attachment in Psychotherapy and find it very interesting although I'm not very far along.

I'm sorry you are suffering both emotionally and physically from your T's absence but think of it this way...you are now on the downhill side of the wait. It will go fast. You CAN do this. Keep posting here and sharing.

TN

Thank you True North! I can’t begin to express what your words of encouragement mean to me right now. This forum is one of my ways I am using to cope, and to gain the support from different ones has been very helpful especially during my T’s absence. I don’t know too many other places or people to turn to who would understand just how difficult this really is. My friends try and are very supportive, but I like knowing I am understood and I only find that depth of understanding here. It really has been an emotional and physical roller coaster ride, but as you said I am on the downhill side of the wait (only 5 more days ) and I am finding that to be a motivating focal point for me to know that I am almost there.

Even though I understand the limbic reaction of which Attachment Girl so eloquently reminded me the other night, I am still amazed at how much this “one person” has impacted me the way my T has, that I would feel this strong need for connection as I do, that it would effect me even physically the way it has. As much as I know intellectually about this, it is still so profound to feel its intense primitive force.

After this I wonder if it will feel any less intense waiting between weekly appointments. I would welcome that.

Thanks for the encouragement!
JM

I’ve been wondering what I am going to talk about on my first session with my T. Obviously I have so much to catch her up on that I am worried where to start and if I can even get it all out in one hour. But you know what? At this moment all I want to do is just sit there with her. To look at her kind face and see her smile at me again. As I am typing, I just now realized that is very limbic isn’t it? Much like an infant just looks into her mother’s accepting eyes for that simple connection and to feel important and to delight in that very moment. And what else is significant for me is that even in her absence, I still feel important. I have that invisible yet tangible connection with her that she talks about so often. I may not have come to know the depth and truth of those words if not for experiencing her absence in this length. She is my secure base.

BTW: 384 hours since my last appointment; 120 hours to go. (Roughly)
I think I deserve more than a T-shirt! But I still want one.

JM,
I hope you realize what an incredible accomplishment it is, that you feel that way. That you have been able to overcome such a deeply embedded past to know that kind of security is amazing! I really feel a little envious of the depth of trust you hold for your T as I am still working on it. But your example is an inspiration and gives me hope, because you prove it can be done! Thanks for sharing that!

And I know you want a T-shirt, all the cool girls are wearing them.

AG

Further reflections on boundaries and a secure base:

I’ve been reflecting on my last post and how I stated that my T is my secure base. Although I still worry if I can trust it, as I often hinge back and forth on that feeling, I am grateful to her for allowing me to experience it and for allowing me to need her the way that I do. Also for allowing me to express my emotions (uncensored) and as strong and intense as they are and for not berating me for how uncomfortable they make me feel. I’ve needed to do that even though it still scares the hell out of me. It scares me because of the boundaries that exist, that need to exist and the fact that what I feel in this relationship is so powerful, and yet so “limited” it can easily be misinterpreted as rejection. Sometimes I hate the necessity of boundaries, but at the same time I thrive in the safety of them.

JM,
I don't know how to reply. You have so beautifully articulated so much of what I feel for my T and all that he does for me. Thank you.

AG

Thank you, I thought I was just babbling.

I tend to become wistful when I am longing for my T and that is also when I tend to write. I have written her a couple letters and read aloud some journal entries that pertain to her which she accepts with such touching gratification. I wrote a book for my daughter when she moved out a couple years ago, of which my T had expressed interest in reading. So I gave her a copy and I wrote her a message inside the cover that brought tears to her eyes. I am debating on whether I should read the letter/journal I’ve been keeping since she’s been away. While it will give her the rawest form of what I've experienced, I can see it choking her up. Don’t want to do that to the poor thing, ya know.

I've been thinking about it and you know how most people when they go on vacation have to do stuff like put the mail & newspaper on hold, get someone to water the plants and feed the dog, etc. And when they get home they open all that mail, listen to old voicemail messages and do a lot of laundry? Well when you're a T you have to do all of that plus a month or so beforehand prepare all of your clients for your absence. When you get back then you have to deal with any fall out. This summer, though I was so glad when she got back from her vacation I was also so mad about the bad timing of it. I think I told her how disappointed I was with her and the whole situation for at least three weeks afterward.

I'm not implying JM that you are going to give your T a particularly hard time when you see her but I just think that in general having to throw a bunch of people off kilter for a month or two for a two-week vacation wouldn't be one of my favorite parts of the job. Of course for T's they see everything as grist for the therapy-mill so they probably like shaking us up once in a while.

River,
I don't think they like shaking us up. At least, I hope not, that would be a little sadistic.

My T has told me a number of times that he doesn't need to make anything happen in therapy. Therapy is a reflection of "real" life and everything that happens eventually happens in therapy also. If you're being honest and working through things sooner or later you'll bump into all your issues. For people with attachment issues (which I have to believe aren't all their patients) absences are a big deal. But the truth is, you'd be talking about something during that hour, so isn't it better that its an important issue that you need to work through even if it was set off by them.

I think this is where the necessary detachment comes in on the Ts part. I think they understand that although their absence serves as a trigger; they're not responsible for hurting us in those areas. Someone else did that; so they don't need to feel guilty about leaving.

All that said, I do get your point, I like leaving my job behind when I go on vacation and I don't think Ts really get to do that. But I also think that's something they realize when they chose the profession (or for the really good ones when they're called to it.)

AG

quote:

I just think that in general having to throw a bunch of people off kilter for a month or two for a two-week vacation wouldn't be one of my favorite parts of the job.

River, I agree with you there. I have a feeling my T’s first week back she is going to be playing a lot catch up and their may still be a lot of fallout with her ability to do that without it “feeling” like that. I wonder how many phone calls alone she will have to return and how much time she left open to do that. I know her office will be like a revolving door this whole week as it usually is when she returns from a “short” vacation. But only two more days and I will be sitting in her office like a little child. I am not going to set up any expectations as to how the first session will go other than that. I may express some anger at her. I certainly felt that way briefly when she first left, but now I mostly feel glad she is back. So I don’t know. One thing is certain is that I will be posting here immediately afterwards, so don't stray too far.

Thanks,
JM

quote:

I think they understand that although their absence serves as a trigger; they're not responsible for hurting us in those areas. Someone else did that; so they don't need to feel guilty about leaving.

One would hope so, huh AG? I also know that according to the attachment protocol this will be a proving ground for me to finally KNOW what it’s like when my secure base returns and she validates my longing for closeness and not be emotionally distant to my needs and protests, and that I will find it easy to get close to her again: To experience that our relationship has not changed, but that I have grown in its security.

quote:

to finally KNOW what it’s like when my secure base returns and she validates my longing for closeness and not be emotionally distant to my needs and protests, and that I will find it easy to get close to her again:

JM,
I really believe that's true. After my T's last vacation we spent two sessions processing it.
The first was me being able to talk about my feelings of abandonment and the fear that he wouldn't come back and my second one talking about how angry I was with him that he left me and how much I hated not being a part of his "real" life. He was totally open and accepting of my feelings, didn't get at all defensive and really understood why I felt the way I did. It really was amazing. And I hadn't thought about it that way before, but having him stay close to hear me be scared, disappointed and angry was SO different from what I've experienced in the past.

It's going to be great when you get to see Dorit!

During those sessions, my T asked me how I thought people learned that an attachment figure would come back? And I (tentatively) answered because they go away and come back? Alot? He was like, exactly! And I said, so you need to go on a lot more vacations?

I really do understand how difficult and painful and ugly the last few weeks have been but you are about to experience something different and because you can heal and that healing is possible, you are on your way to not experience absense in this painful a way again.

AG