Riddikulus,

Hello, I don't think we've met - welcome.

I think well, this isnt an easy answer, but that both could work. You get to honor your feelings here. If it's too painful, then it's OKAY not to talk to them - even if they have changed. If you want to have a relationship with them but really can't without clearing the air it's okay to say that to them too - maybe send them a message and say hey... "it's good to see you looks like you have a nice kid and a dog I'd like to talk to you but since ___ ____ ___ I'm sort of scared and have some bad memories of them, could we talk about them first to sort that out?" If they say no, they say no... and then you know you don't want to be friends. This way you get to have your boundaries to protect yourself, get an opportunity to have the relationship if you want to try, etc w/o compromising your beliefs or what you want. It's okay to be unsure and test the waters - I mean even after you talk if you sort things out and feel like... okay even though we got that past stuff sorted out I am not really interested in them - it's okay to stop the friendship there too, or at any point if it's too hard emotionally.

By both contacting you now (is this facebook?) maybe they saw someone friend request. Or if it's e-mail maybe they talk and remembered you. Or it's probably just a coincidence though I could understand being triggered, especailly with a less than formidable pas with them, that they may be plotting against you trying to say something - but I think the chances of that are relatively low in comparison to some others.

Good luck!! I had someone contact me from my past a couple months back... and... I still haven't written them back because I'm still thinking about it.

Wow, what a difficult question. I have no idea what advice to give but I suppose if you still don't like them, you can always stop talking to them again...

I'm curious to find out what happens!

Hi R, I really understand your situation. I too avoid pretty much everyone from my high school days, including all reunions and only FB contact with the few people that were real friends. For me, the avoidance is two-fold: I'm going through therapy in part to heal from that past that they are synonymous with, so to rekindle things with them would bring up a lot of baggage that I don't want to/need to deal with anymore, and also - this may sound cold - I don't need them in my life. I'm sure they've changed as much as Ihave, and they may be wonderful, productive human beings now, so I say hurray for all of us - but that doesn't mean I need to bring them back into my life.
(I did say cold, right? )

Maybe when the distance has grown more than the current over-20 years, I will feel differently, but this is where I am right now. I'm calling it self-preservation.

Starry

Hey R,

I think the answer to your dilemma is in your post. When you read it back, you are giving lots of reason NOT to contact them and not many reasons why it would be a good idea. Let the requests sit there as long as you need to or delete them if you want to. You don't have to befriend them.

Sounds like you are on a great path now and putting a high value on your mental health, you don't need to do anything that might jeopardise that.

Good luck
Somedays

Ridikkulus,

I agree with SomeDays. You sound like you dont' really want to take up with them again. I'm sorry you are struggling so much with this.



Liese

Thanks so much guys for the feedback. Your responses pretty much cover everything I've been thinking ! Catalyst I agree the most I could do is send a very cautious note 'I'm so glad it looks like you are doing well, I'm not ready for this unless we talk about....' and even then have a cut off if I am not happy. Starry I think my attitude is exactly the same as yours. I have avoided looking for them on FB and unfortunatly it was mutual friends who handed out my phone number at a reunion I didn't even go to! I never wanted to look at that period but maybe that's the message from the universe that now is the time to look at it- but maybe in safety with my T not with them. They were the first two people I encountered with mental illness (manic episodes / suicidal) and it struck fear into my heart. I now know so much more since my sister was diognosed bipolar with several manic episodes requiring hospital stays on a section. So I have compassion and understanding. But I am slightly ashamed that I don't want them back in my life. Oh well! Cold but sane :-D xx

quote:

So I have compassion and understanding. But I am slightly ashamed that I don't want them back in my life. Oh well! Cold but sane :-D xx

Ah, R, it only APPEARS cold, I've decided. We have to love ourselves and have some compassion for ourselves, too, right? Regardless of our age and stage in life, that is something we need never feel ashamed of. Some of us just aren't used to asserting ourselves though, or being our own advocate. I know... I'm learning!

Some of us just might need a sweater in the meantime, though, hehe.


Cheers,
Starry

R, I haven't even read anyone elses responses I am just going to say what I truly believe and that is NO. No I do not think you should contact them or get involved with them again. I know someone very close to me who did that with (drug addict friends) and they are now dead. What seemed like a good idea turned out to be a turning point in their life, that they would later regret and a turning point that saw them OD. So my answer is NO. Sound harsh? Maybe, but then I think death is a little harsher.

B2W