(((Kmay))) I don't have anything of use to say... I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. You're going through so much right now, and I'm amazed at how well you're handling it. Just remember - it's OK to not be OK.

((KMAY))

What she did to you is just plain wrong. She never should have contacted you and she doesn't seem to have a clue as to how she affects you. And then to say no to your request when you asked her to see her. She probably thinks she's doing you a favor by setting that boundary. If she didn't care about you, she wouldn't have contacted you. But it's no wonder you are hurt and confused. It's not you.

I agree 100% with Liese. She was wrong to contact you and she just ran right over your boundaries to do what seemed important to HER without giving any thought as to how this would impact you It was bad enough to contact you once and "maybe" I could have overlooked that first message BUT then to send another message when you did not respond to the first was absolutely crossing the line and disrespecting your boundary. I am SO glad you made the break from her because she would have continued to hurt you out of her own self-centeredness.

I also want to comment on how amazingly brave you are and how well you have handled yourself in this situation. You have shown such grace and courage and kindness to your whole family.

As for the contact from L. It's only natural that you would want to be near her and how that contact would reactivate all the attachment longings. That was absolutely normal reaction. There is a strong pull, especially when you are in pain and fear or in a confusing situation, to talk to the T who knows you best and has enough of the background info on you and your family to help sort things out. I remember when I had the complications to my surgery and had to return to the hospital just ten days after being abandoned by my oldT. I had been seeing a new T (not my current one) for about a week at the time. I caved in and sent an email to oldT because I was so terrified and how could I explain why to some new T who had NO idea who I was or what I suffered from? My oldT knew my history and of course, all the fear and sadness activated the very strong attachment pull.

He never responded to me at all. It felt very cruel at the time. It was not because he was holding a boundary or thinking of my best interests. It was because he was a coward and was running from me and maybe feeling guilty at what he did. I'm telling you this only to let you know how strong that attachment pull can be. You are NOT a weak, stupid, idiotic coward who crumbled... not at all. You are merely human, Kmay.

I think you should contact your new T and tell her what happened and allow her to reassure, comfort and support you. I know that contact will help you. I'm glad you found her. She sounds wonderful.

Thinking of you
TN

Thank you Kashely, Liese, TN -
Your understanding and support means so much right now. I can't believe that right now is the time that she picked to rip me back open. That is what it feels like. Like she ripped me open and I want to crawl right up next to her so she can put me back together, only I can't.

quote:

She never should have contacted you and she doesn't seem to have a clue as to how she affects you.

- I'm beginning to think Liese, that this is exactly right. That she just has not clue how she affects me. I have decided that I am going to send her an email and tell her. I am going to tell her exactly how she affects me and then I am going to thank her for her support but ask her to not contact me anymore. It's going to be hard but I am going to do it. I have to. I can't go through this again and again.

quote:

She was wrong to contact you and she just ran right over your boundaries to do what seemed important to HER without giving any thought as to how this would impact you

- I was trying to explain this exact thing to my H. I told him that it seems so convenient for her to get all of her needs met. She gets all of her questions answered about what is going on. She sends me her "support" to fulfill her own needs too. But what do I get? Nothing. I get ripped open only to get rejected again. I can't see her. I can't have therapy from her. Oh and I also can't be her freind either. Yes, I asked her that too after she kindly denied therapy and she also kindly denied me the answer to that too. So I get nothing. I feel like telling my Mom "what kind of freind is that anyway?" Someone who calls once a year or two when they hear about something through the great vine and want to offer their "support". She knows everything about my Mom's struggles (obviously, since I spilled my entire insides out to her for years). She knows my Mom can't drive, can't hardly walk, can't really do much of anything. She has never called to just "check" on her. To offer to take her to the Dr. or to lunch or just to chat. Seems to me that she is calling so she can feel good about herself that she was "supportive" in a time of need. Gosh, I must sound horrible right now.
I am just in so much pain again. I can't believe this. I was just starting to feel strong again. And now I feel ripped wide open. And such lovely timing too T. I really feel like I am losing control of being able to function over here.
What do you think about me sending her that email?

Edited to add - I forgot to add too...I want to contact New T. I don't see her until Tuesday, but I want to call her. I have a hard time asking for what I need. I have this fear that she will think I am too desperate and reject me too But I want to ask her if I can come in tomorrow to talk about this. I am really struggling

Kmay , sorry you really were doing so well.
I think new T would want you to contact her. She was worried that this muíght happen and how it would affect. I am sure she would want to help you deal with this.

Kmay... I am so sorry you are in this pain again. I strongly suggest that you call your new T and even if you can't get an appointment just hearing her voice will help regulate you until Tuesday. This is an extreme circumstance and she would totally understand and it seems like she has a flexible contact policy so make use of it. If you can't think of it as doing it for yourself then do it for your family... they need for you to be stable and strong and you need your new T for that. It's okay to lean on her. And I will guarantee you that she will NOT reject you. I know that fear and how had it is to walk through it but you can do it!

Sending hugs
TN

Starlight, Poppet, TN -
Thank you. I am feeling a bit better this morning. Yesterday was an emotional day overall. Seeing my Dad was relieving and anxiety producing at the same time. This ordeal looks like it has taken about 10 years off of him At least that is how it looks right now. But I keep reminding myself that he has his chest cut open and put back together and has really not had anything solid to eat in a few days so I suppose that would make anyone look ragged and run down right?
I have not sent the email to T yet. I was so tired and emotional last night, I thought it would be better to wait until today. Thank God my H sort of gets the situations b/c I broke down sobbing last night (while I was in the middle of eating an apple and when he came to hug me, I drooled chewed up apple and tears all over him )
My baby girl is home sick with the stomach flu today and to be honest, I am thankful for the break. I can stay home with her and re-group instead of trying to balance work, emotions, getting to the hospital, ect...
Thank you for your support friends. I have to say, I don't know where I would be without this website and some of the people I have met here. Thanks again. I will update...

(((kmay))) I'm so sorry your OldT did that. I'm sure she does care, but like you said, she is taking care of her needs, rather than thinking about what is best for you, and in the end, that's the opposite of what you really need right now. I hope you can reach out to your new T as it feels safe, and I'm glad that you get the time home, rather than having another thing to juggle (though I'm sorry, as I know it's hard when your kiddo is sick). Lots of love and hugs and prayers for you.

I'm at a loss for words right now.
(((kmay)))

I have a friend who happens to be a counselor working toward licensure who explained to me last year that sometimes certain T's violate boundaries and that they are getting their needs met and not thinking about the client. I'm sorry this type of thing is happening to you.

Thanks for the Hugs BLT
Anon, Athenacus - Yes, she is getting her own needs met. You know the thing is that makes it so hard, is I think its all coming from a good place. A place of her thinking she is "helping". But I just don't understand what she is thinking. I tried to contact her for support a few weeks ago about something else before the stuff with my Dad and she told me she was afraid of hurting me or creating too much dependancy and wouldn't even talk to me. But when it condusive to HER needs, then she can contact me, right? Oh bleh....such a mess. I am looking forward to seeing new T tomorrow. She feels very steady to me right now when I am in a very unstable place. I sort of want to ask her for twice a week sessions right now but am afraid...my mind does the whole "She will think I am too desperate and then push me away" thing....