I haven't had a T abandonment, just lots of disrupted relationships in childhood that I dissociated to get through. I don't have any wisdom, but I just wanted to send some your way. I'm sorry. If I imagine it happening with my T, I know I would feel like it's not something I could ever get over.

I welcome all the hugs I can get. Thanks, Anon!

I'm sure it takes time and I am trying to be patient with myself. BUT, it's frustrating sometimes because I think I am over it and then something will slam me over the head again and remind me of my "feelings" for her.

I truly believe that there were feelings between us that caused the abrupt term. I think I go over those things in my head a lot and I just didn't get the closure that I needed in order to let go and move on. It was all so fast, and I disassociated my way through it. Now that it's sinking in, I guess after the shock has worn off, it's gut wrenching.

The hardest thing is that she'll never speak with me again. It truly is over.

I know I am in a better place, but I can't let my mind convince my heart to let go.

Hi Unbroken

You know that I know how this feels and what you are going through. I don't have any easy, neat answer for you. The only things that has helped a little is time and distance from the event of termination/abandonment.

It will be two years next week that I started with my current T. It took me six weeks to find him after being abandoned. And... I'm still not over oldT. There is still pain and some confusion and grief that I can never speak to him again. What is even worse is that he thinks I did something to him to harm his reputation and I didn't do it. It was not me but he has been punishing me for it for years and this is why he will not speak to me or considers any contact from me as harrassment. So I am also dealing with the grief that he had no f'ing idea who I was that he believes I would do that to him! I really could have taken his license away or at least got him suspended for awhile but I didn't do that. I didn't do it because I cared about him and his family and they have treated me with nothing but distain.

Sorry to get off on a tangent but I just wanted to tell you that for how traumatic this event is, it takes a really long time to get past it. It will be triggered by all kinds of things. Innocent things will send you off crying. I know. My T says it's really sad how much of my life is now contaminated by oldT.

The most difficult thing to get past is the issue of trust with my current T. My ability to trust was already shaky and oldT completely smashed any idea of doing so in the future. My T is very patient with this issue and says I'm doing what I should be doing. He is not rushing me into anything... it's me that feels I should be "over" all of this by now.

So at ten months I would say that you are just starting to know your new T and you are probably right on track. I've been seeing my T twice a week for about a year and a half and I still have a very long way to go towards healing from the abandonment. My T admits that I will get better for sure but I'll never be the same. I will always bear a scar from what happened with oldT. That makes me really sad.

Sending you hugs and strength to hang in there with T and allow yourself to accept her nurturing. That goes a long way towards healing.

TN

...

Uh oh. I opened up the flood gates on this one... I never should have gone there. It's making me miss her so much more tonight...

(((((Brokes))))
(((((TN))))))
(((((Draggers)))))

Brokes.....this really resonated with me...

"I think the hardest thing was that in my entire life I had never allowed anyone inside to all of my pain. I held it in. That was up until last year when for the first time ever, I gave in to her and let her see everything. She witnessed my pain. BUT when it got too intense for her, she dropped me. She shattered my heart and my trust. It makes letting new T in hard. It really does. Starting over is hard"

It's only been 2 months since old T recommended I see a trauma T and it still hurts so much. She made the recommendation, I left angry, and haven't seen her since. The hardest part is that I still long for some closure, and I have many unanswered questions. I am seeing a new T, and she's nice enough and seems very knowledgeable in the trauma area, but it's just....different. She's not old T, and old T and I had a really strong connection. I really do believe that her inexperience with trauma along with her counter transference is what caused the disruption. I tell myself it was her stuff, not me, that caused all of this, but it still hurts. I, too, feel shattered and so broken...I try to convince myself that she really did care and really only wanted what was best for me, but then why did she abandon me? UGH!!! I'm with you on this one Brokes...I just opened a can of worms that and those worms need to be buried way down deep in the backyard again. Now I'm sad
Anyway, I'm sorry for all the pain everyone is feeling. I know how much it can make your heart hurt...go gently...
Peace...
LK

If it makes you feel any better, Brokes, I believe my oldT had strong feelings for me, too. I don't have any real evidence for it, but for some reason I believe that while I deeply wished she could be my mother...part of her wanted the same thing. I'll never be able to prove it, but I continue to believe it anyway.

((Brokes)) I'm sorry I'm not in a great place and have nothing to offer, but I just wanted to send you some hugs and let you know I'm thinking about you.

quote:

It's so embarrassing for me to share, but it's the truth

Hi Brokes,

I still feel embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't easily let go of the feelings for a P who abruptly terminated me and actually betrayed me in the end. Here I am, almost 3 years later and still talking about it?

Now that is really embarrassing!

My P and I acknowledge that I have grown and I am better, but he has also said that I will never really be the same. My level of trust will always be lessened by the experience and I will re-experience the pain from time to time, especially as I face other losses in my life.

Something triggered the feelings of abandonment recently but I did bounce back. That's what I focus on now, my ability to continue forward despite what happened to me while trusting a therapist.

You are still very, very early in the process, and coming up to the first anniversary is always very difficult. I don't think you should have a time frame or limit in your mind because it will make you feel frustrated with yourself, which was something I went through.

I have found the most healing occurred when I allowed myself to re-experience the painful feelings of abandonment while in the presence of my current P.

quote:

I have found the most healing occurred when I allowed myself to re-experience the painful feelings of abandonment while in the presence of my current P.

That is so true and probably the biggest factor in my healing also. Without my steadfast and calm T to listen to me and to hold me up I would not have even healed to this point.

TN

Unbroken,

I'm sorry you are still in pain over the loss of old T. I think abrupt endings are some of the most painful ones we can go through whether with a T or someone else important in our lives.

It has been five months since I terminated with my old T. I guess I feel like it is hard to say if I'm "over her" because I felt SO much better once I stopped seeing her officially. I had already begun to feel better seeing my new T and spacing out sessions with old T, but the difference in my functioning and happiness since stopping with old T is startling. Now that I'm away from her it is obvious to me how much damage she was doing and I'm mad at myself that I allowed her to take advantage of me and played right into her hands. I'm still fairly angry with her at times, but I don't miss her. We had some very intimate moments and you'd think I would miss those, but looking back I can't see them as anything other than boundary violations on her part so I don't crave them. I feel SO much safer with new T where there is no question about where the boundaries are and I don't have to jump through hoops all of the time to please her.

Like TN, I could easily bring a suit against old T. I could file a licensing complaint and a civil suit and I'd probably win as I have audio recordings to back me up. However, my desire to move forward and heal is stronger than my anger toward old T and I don't want to spend the next few years in more emotional hell because of her. I already gave the last three years of my life. New T was kind enough to check around and validate that my experiences with old T were not unique to me and she doesn't get referrals from colleagues anymore.

Anyway, I think it takes as long as it takes and when the relationships with old T's are so closely related to our original hurt I think it can take longer, but can also be very healing if we allow ourselves to go there.

I am planning on delving deep into this in my next session. I think it's time. I talk about it but I do skirt around a big issue; the issue that I feel like my heart has been broken and that I am completely and hopelessly still hung up on oldT.

I need to talk it out with T. I know. It's very difficult when I haven't admitted my attraction feelings towards oldT to newT. That holds me back. I think it holds me back the most because I don't want to admit that it was even true.

OldT definitely re-triggered a childhood issue for me. I see that. I was re traumatized and I am sure it is going to take some time for me to heal. I just get frustrated that she remains a hot topic in my therapy. I guess because of the re trauma it's the most prominent hurt in my heart and brings forth lots of those issues from a long long time ago.

Thanks for supporting me here.

STRM, I agree with you on one thing--I felt SO much better after that therapy was terminated. I do cling onto the good parts though. I just can't figure out why. Still processing all of it, I guess.

I'm going in soon. I'm going in to talk. I am going to open up.

Wish me luck..