Hi R2G -
I have struggled with this same situation in the last year. My oldest, dearest friend lives about an hour from me. I go to visit her & her husband when I can, and they are so very supportive and generous, the best! But - when it comes to my friend coming here to see me, she cancels on a consistant basis. I too would get my hopes up, and then she would cancel, at the last minute, and I would spiral down into the hole. Spent many a weekend in bed, in tears about this. I finally addressed this with her a few months back. We ended up having a bit of a rupture, but slowly worked our way back together.
It's hard isn't it....when our friends hurt us?
I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom, or anything to soothe your pain over this friendship. I just wanted you to know, that I have experienced this as well, and it's not fun at all.
I hope you can have a meaningful conversation with your friend, and let her know that this hurts you. It may not go completely well, but the honesty will help make the relationship stronger in the end.
Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.


GG

R2G,
It's one thing to "KNOW" what's going on, but it can still feel bad. Especially if we have any trigger points about being unloved or unwanted. I think it's really good that you're working to understand that your friend is not rejecting you, it's just life getting in the way, it's important to hang unto reality. But you don't need to feel stupid about feeling this way. I am sure that there are good reasons that these feelings are being evoked, and it's ok to have compassion on yourself for feeling this way. Especially since you are working hard both to see the truth and understand your friend's struggles.

As for talking to your T, of course you can talk to your T. There was a period of time with my first T when one of my closest friends was also seeing her (I referred her, which later didn't look so smart). While we were both still in therapy, something happened, I have never known what and that friend cut off our friendship with no explanation. It was very scary since I realized that my T had probably known it was coming and had known how deeply it would effect me (I made the only emergency phone call I ever made in 22+ years convinced my T would leave me too.) The worst part was wondering if my T had backed the decision (which was silly because being a T she NEVER told me to do anything. We worked it through. I talked very openly to her about the feelings that came up and my T told me that she felt like she would be able to continue working with both of us and be clear about it. And we did. I brought it up occasionally but we both respected the boundaries. She didn't offer any info about my friend and I didn't ask any questions. I just talked about my feelings about what happened and how it affected me. And I felt secure that no information was going the other way. Your T has an obligation to protect your confidentiality and that includes from another patient, even one who knows you. And she should be capable of listening to you and helping you work through your feelings despite knowing the other person. It's your therapy and you are free to speak of whatever you need to. I think the fact that you are seeing these reactions in this situation is really good therapeutic material and I would hate to see you miss being able to work with it, just because you and your friend see the same therapist.

AG

Hi, R2G- it is nice to see you! I hope you can get this resolved..I think your feelings are totally understandable. I have a friend like that, we used to be close, but she always cancels on me, and now I just let it go, and we aren't very close anymore...and I'm kind of ok with that. But if you really value the friendship, it might be worthwhile to say, simply..that you are disappointed that she had to cancel, and can you get together soon? Aw, I am sorry you are feeling so sad. Big hugs, you..

BB

Thanks for the responses everyone - I know I'm not the only one who's dealt with this before.

GG - I'm sorry you've been through this too. I'm glad that you were able to work things out, though. I hope my friend an I can do the same.

AG - yeah, this is definitely triggering me. Abandonment, unlovable, rejection. I wish I could say it is all life just getting in the way, but since I don't know for sure, my mind goes to the worst, of course. She could just be busy, but she could also be making excuses to not spend time with me. Last night I journaled a bit about this and found myself in the depths of what T and I have been working on for the last few weeks. I can't not talk to T about it, but I don't want to put T in the middle of us. I know, I know. When I see T tonight since I don't want to talk about this, it will be the only thing on my mind for me to talk about. gee. great.

Hi DF, thanks for the hugs! It's funny, she texted me after she cancelled to see if I was available later this weekend. I'm just afraid that she's going to cancel then, too. She's done it before, and I feel like I can't get my hopes up for any plans with her anymore. When I started seeing my T, my friend was not seeing her, and hadn't been for a good six months or more. About 4 months into my journey with T, she started back up again. We've talked about it at length before, cause T has booked us backed to back before, but from what my friend says, and I feel the same way, we don't mind at all. I mean, we've seen each other at our worst and helped each other through crap before, so it's kinda nice to see a familiar face. But maybe she's just saying that and doesn't mean it. And right now, I definitely wish it was different.

Thanks Beebs! Sorry you've been through this too. I do value our friendship, she is one of my closest friends and I really don't want to lose her. I lost her once, years ago, and I don't want to lose her again. I have to figure out which is the lesser of two evils - sucking it up and saying something to her, or continuing to swallow it. Glad I see T tonight.

Hi Room2Grow,

So nice to see you back. Missed your threads.

I was wondering if you could talk about it with T but just not identify who you are talking about if that makes you feel any safer in terms of talking about it with T. Because these issues are just so important and T might really be able to help you sort this out. Sure you're not the only one who has had friendship issues before but relationships in general can be difficult.

I don't know if this sounds like game playing and I hope it doesn't. But I was just wondering if you would consider just not being available for her this weekend. Telling her that you can't get together. And not doing it to hurt her but doing it to test yourself in a way, to see if YOU could survive the emotional upheaval involved in taking such a step and to see what happens to the relationship afterwards -- if it survives and/or maybe even gets better.

Just a thought. I watch my 12 year old go through stuff like this all the time. Friends call and she feels like she has to say yes or else they won't be friends anymore. I hate to see her feel as though she has to be available to everyone all the time. Sometimes I think she has to learn to say no and see that the relationship WILL survive (most of the time, and well, you know how girls are at 12) even when she can't be available for that person. That other person might get mad and/or might find someone else to hang out with.

Can you say to your friend, I'd love to see you and make plans with you but I can't tolerate the last minute cancellations and so if you think you are 99% (leaving 1% for death or some other very understandable unforeseen event) sure we can get together, yes, we can make plans. But if there is a 50/50 chance you might cancel on me .... fill in the blank there.

If you don't say anything to her, she may not realize the impact her cancellations are having on you. And if you do say something, she might in the future think things through more thoroughly before committing to you. She might think, okay I do have this project going on at work and it might get really out of control and there is a chance that I might not be available that night ... as much as I want to get together with R2G, I will have to forewarn her that there is a chance I might have to cancel.

Good luck with this one! Let us know what happens, if you talk to T and/or if you decide to say something to your friend.

xoxo

Liese

Hi R2G,

I think if you can broach it with your friend in a gentle way - your relationship can only grow from it. The fact that she text back to reschedule is amazing. You could bring it up in a non-threatening way so that it isn't offensive or you don't make a big deal of it.

Says me though - who has a big issue like this simmering in the background. As soon as you said that you share T wiht the friend - i got all sorts of bad triggers. My T terminated me because of a conflict of interest because we share(d) a friend. Now my youngT and the friend are still close and the friend has 100% dumped me. From her talking, texting, skyping, facebooking me at least once a week for months = to nothing since the day youngT terminated me - man that hurts so bad.

We were in a group of friends - 4 of us - only 1 of them has contacted me since the termination. I am hurting so badly about it. I think everyone is uncomfortable or something - I don't know what the situation is but I cannot handle a confrontation or discussion about it either.

So please talk to your T about it - the 3 of you sound like you are handling it really, really well so far. YOu need to bring it up with your T. Whether you realise it or not - the friend is there in the room too - and especially if you are holding back talking about it - it is a barrier to your therapy.

Good luck

Well... Ugh.

BG - we cross posted this morning, so I missed your reply earlier - sorry! I appreciate you sharing your story though, as I know I have to talk to her about this, and, well, I love hearing happy endings, so this was helpful. I think that part of why this is so hard is that I do care - she is the closest I've ever had to a best friend, I am good at keeping people away, but somehow I was able to let her in. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to hurt her. I told my T that it's easier if I am the one hurting if it will prevent others from feeling pain. Backwards, I know, but my brain is rather backward these days.

I did bring it up with my T tonight. I did just refer to the situation as "I was supposed to have dinner with a friend last night, but she cancelled on me again." I kept it general the whole time, and just referred to her as "a friend" so as not to miss the learning opportunity by keeping it inside, and not putting T in the middle.

Anyway, T did say that I need to speak to her about it - me, of course, wants to do it through email, cause I know I'll cry if I actually verbalize it, even on the phone. T suggested keeping it simple - I wish I remember exactly what she said - it was just right! Something like "I look forward to spending time with you, and I'm bummed when our plans change." But it was more eloquent and explanatory without pointing fingers or using the words "sad" and "hurt" to express it. I don't even think I could speak what she said, as I am tearing up just thinking about the situation

Liese, thanks for the welcome back I DO want to play the childish game and be unavailable this weekend, just because it hurts to much to think about possibly being cancelled on again. And I know that unless I address this with her before I see her again, I will end up spending all our time together stewing on it and afraid to speak it. It's funny you mention your 12 year old... developmentally, I am re-living adolescence, and I have to say, it sucks almost as bad this second time as it did the first time. She may not know the impact cancelling has on me, but I don't want to be a baby about it, either.

SD, I really wish I could remember what my T said tonight, cause it was exactly as you suggested - gentle. I'm sorry you are in such an uncomfortable situation. I live to avoid conflict, yet lately, I seem to find myself in conflicting situations rather frequently - including my own inner conflict. (((SD)))

The conversation with T was, as AG put it, good therapeutic material, for sure. It led into an entire conversation about my reactions in general, and how I might think my reaction is immature (crying over cancelled plans) but it's a real emotional response - not based on the single situation, but based on my past history - whatever it is in my past that this situation has triggered is something we'll be exploring for a while...

Can I have this "conversation" with my friend via email? I wish I could remember what T said - it was like 2-3 sentences so well stated. Ugh. My memory seems to hold very little when I cry in therapy.

R2G,

So glad you talked to T about it. I think it's okay to do it via email. Just think though about how you'll feel waiting for a reply.

I had a hard time too at 12 and 13 with the girl stuff and never mastered it either. My Dad always told me I was creating issues and so asserting myself always hurts. But if you can separate those painful emotions from it all and look at it rationally, you are just standing up for yourself and taking care of yourself. Because your time is valuable. And your friend might not realize that it bothers you unless you bring it to her attention, which of course can be done nicely, like your T suggested. All big brave words coming from a big sissy! Good luck with it. And let us know how it turns out.

I'm hoping to do it via email, but I was also hoping to do it by now I am supposed to see her tomorrow, and the childish part of me wants to not go. Wants to cancel. Or, wants to go and then be a mega bitch to her. So not me.

I know my friend won't realize how much it hurts me unless I say something, but I'm so not good at this kind of conversation. Even via email - which we do rather frequently, have conversations via text and email - I am too afraid of hurting her feelings. It seems easier to just let her hurt mine. Totally twisted and backwards, I know. And not at all the right answer, I know that too. I think it's just going to take me a bit longer to deal with this... hopefully I can keep strong.

How do we get to the point where we are tired of putting up with things and finally start to do something about it?

So..... my friend was supposed to call me at 10 to figure out what we were going to do today. It's 10:40. No call. Should I be surprised? Nope. But it still hurts.

And it's 11:10, with no contact. I'm going to go grocery shopping now so I can be home in time to watch football. If she wants to do something it will have to be later. Whatever.

(((( R2G ))))

That really sucks, and I’m sorry you’ve been put in this awful situation again. You know you’ve been bending over backwards taking responsibility for how your friend’s cancelling has made you feel, but I can’t help thinking that you have every right to feel bad about it – and especially now that she’s let you down a second time.

If I were in your place I’d find it really difficult to carry on the friendship without sneaking resentment getting in the way. It doesn’t sound as if you are particularly angry with your friend (hurt yes, that is totally understandable) but as she seems to have a track record of letting you down like this, maybe you really do need to sit down and talk with her about it. AND let her know how it makes you feel.

I know you were working really hard to see that your reactions were more than just to her cancellation, but the bottom line is that she has acted in a way that IS hurtful and would cause anyone to feel bad. So I hope you can get this out in the open with her. It may well be that she is completely unaware of how her actions might make you feel (especially if you’ve just accepted her letting you down in the past without saying anything) and that she may well be able to modify her behaviour if she knew how it affected you. You are really good friends, surely a close friendship could take that sort of openness?

Anyway, whatever you do or don’t do, I hope today hasn’t been ruined for you and that you do get to meet up with her again soon.

LL

Sorry R2G - this is horrible. This friend may have no idea of the hurt she is creating. If it were me - I would be absolutely cutting my ties with the friend and dumping her and never thinking of her again and then blaming myself forever and being really angry. Now - that is the BPD speaking there and that is my behavior - not great behaviour!!!

I think the right thing to do is to discuss it with her but I would still keep things "light" with her about it. Do it by email or text if you can - if she is rude enough to keep cancelling or forgetting - then getting a text or email is good enough. As she hasn't called you - I would text and say something like "I waited for you to call about us going out but had to go out and couldn't wait any longer. Are you too busy to catch up this month, or should we leave it until next month'. That is kinda sarcastic isn't it? Stuff it - that is what I would say.

Someone else might have something better to suggest!

Yeah, it does suck LL, but thanks for the hugs.

The thing with this situation is... well, several years ago I really hurt her, and we actually stopped talking for like 4 years. We worked through it, eventually and she forgave me for the situation, and since then, our friendship has grown even stronger. But this? I am afraid to speak up because I know I hurt her quite badly years ago, and maybe I deserve this.

This is what makes it hard - I want to talk to my T about it, but going to this next layer would involve names, since T knows the story already.

Today hasn't been ruined, but it definitely has not been a good day. I took my frustration and used it to get caught up on schoolwork, which was helpful. But now... would it be extremely passive aggressive of me if I were to text her with a "I'm so glad you posted on FB, when I didn't hear from you this morning, I got worried!"

I know I need to talk to her about this, but I'm not ready yet. But I don't want to let it slide by either.

SD, I do know she doesn't have a clue how much this hurts me, otherwise she wouldn't do it. She's too nice of a person, and with all that I have going on, the last thing she would want to do is stress me even further cause she knows I can't handle anything extra right now. I get what you're saying, but I don't know how to word it a little more smoothly?

Frosty! Thanks for the welcome back! It's been a hell of a ride these last few months, and while I'm not off the roller coaster yet, at least I'm sitting up a little straighter these days. Thanks for your perspective - I do know she is there for me, and she isn't trying to hurt me intentionally. I totally get that things come up, or we have bad days and just can't drag ourselves out for anything, and I empathize with that cause I know I've had those days too. But out of our last 5 planned get togethers, she's cancelled 4 of them. All at the last minute. That is hard to swallow, even for our friendship.

All that said... she is too good of a friend for me to let this all go, ignore it, or be passive aggressive about it all. But right now I'm in no good space to even talk to her about it, or anything. And the hard part is I really could use her support right now. It's been a rough weekend (has nothing to do with her, even) and she's one of the 3 people in my life that know what's up.

Ugh. None of this makes any sense, I'm rambling, I know. I don't want to hurt anyone at all. I had a question earlier that I know she could help me with, but I refuse to text her until I figure this out.

((((R2G))))

Oh, that hurts so much that she didn't call. But I'm so glad you didn't sit around waiting for her and found other productive things to do.

I have a friend named Mary I've known my whole life but now she lives across the country. She's a bit of an introvert and doesn't like to talk on the phone, so we used to have a signal. If I called her two times in a row, she'd call me back. That worked for a long time. And then she was supposed to come visit this summer. She finally told me that she wasn't coming. But then wouldn't answer my calls or call me back all summer. I finally texted her and said, "You're triggering my abandonment issues. Please just let me know everything with us is okay." She said that everything was fine but that she was in her hermit phase and that her neice was visiting from Germany.

I talked to another friend who is in closer contact with Mary. She said to me, "You are being ridiculous. You know how she is. And you're the only one who has been able to get her out of the house in years. She would do anything for you. She is overwhelmed with her neice visiting from Germany. You know how exhausted she gets with company."

Well, after her neice left her, she went to Germany for a couple of weeks but has been back now for about a month. And of course, I still haven't heard from her. She's supposed to visit us for Thanksgiving. Her Dad lives close to me so when she comes for Thanksgiving, he comes too. But I still don't know if she's coming or not. And my abandonment pain is just beating so loudly in my chest that I can't even bear to give her a call to see if she is coming. Of course, she told my kids she was coming and so then they start to bug me about it because they love her too.

I think I'm hoping in the back of my mind that if I give her enough space, she'll want to come. But if I keep bugging her, she'll feel threatened and need to withdraw. But then what if I don't hear from her and she doesn't come for Thanksgiving? What then? Is that how you feel about your friend?

Just when is this therapy going to work, huh? Sorry to ramble on about me. It just strikes me as so odd that I could know her my whole life (and you have a long-term relationship with your friend as well and shouldn't we be feeling secure?)and suddenly I feel so rejected when she doesn't contact me. Which she's done in the past but I used to just ignore it. Now that I'm in touch with my abandonment issues, it's making it all the more painful. I'm not sure I experienced it as abandonment before. Is it the same for you?

xoxo

Liese

((((R2G)))

Just checking in to see how you are doing. This whole thread prompted me to reach out to my friend, the one who blew me off all summer. And I told her that since I've been in therapy, I'm more in touch with my abandonment fears and that normally in the past I would have ignored her silence. She told me that when she goes into those little funks, she needs me to pull her out. Anyway, all is well that ended and she IS coming for Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry for rambling on about my friend but I thought that by telling you the good outcome I had by reaching out to my friend, that it might encourage you to do the same. You have a long history with your friend and you've both worked through some tough things together. Hopefully you both can do so this time as well.

((((R2G)))))

Thanks (((Liese))) I definitely wasn't going to waste the day when I had things that needed to get done - not this time. I've done that before though, every other time. Like I was punishing her for cancelling on me by neglecting to take care of my own needs. Cause that'll show her. Right?

I totally get what you're saying about your friend. I understand her perspective, too, cause I often get overwhelmed and then put things off to the point where I am afraid to reconnect cause I've waited too long. But usually I do end up sending out the olive branch with a quick text or email, kind of a "I know it's been a while since we talked, I dropped the ball, but I'm thinking of you and hope we talk again soon!" That is kinda what I feel like with my friend, sometimes. But she's usually pretty good at texting back eventually, otherwise I do withdraw and go into hiding, waiting for her to contact me while beating myself up the whole time. I understand the abandonment and rejection feelings, cause that's what I feel in this situation, that she's brushed me off for more important things, rejecting and abandoning me, cause to me, she is an important thing. A complicated mess this is.

Thanks for the suggestion BG, I was thinking about posting an email, but am fearing asking too much of the boards. Here's what I am thinking.

quote:

Hey Friend! Glad to hear you had fun at the run this morning. I don't know how it is possible that cheering could be more exhausting than running, but I'll take your word for it! I'm sorry we didn't get together this week. I always look forward to spending time with you, and I'm bummed when it doesn't work out.

I know that we both have a lot going on, and with what I've got going on, well, I know I can be rather trying. I hope that I'm not adding anything to your plate. Please tell me if there's anything I've done, so I can learn from it, ok? Anyway, I hope we can get together soon, and that you have a great week.

Feedback most definitely appreciated and welcomed.

Too funny! We crossposted

I am SO GLAD you reached out to your friend! And that she responded in the way that she did. It's nice that you were so open with her, and that she replied in kind. Sounds like she needs you just as much as you were missing her

You so did not ramble, your post made a lot of sense and gave me some good stuff to think on. I want to send out an email to my friend tonight so I can hopefully move forward, hopefully with the positive results you got from your friend.

((((Liese))))

((((R2G))))

I like your draft. It's so hard to reach out when we are hurting. I was trembling inside when I decided to text my friend today. I had the thought in my head that well, this could be it, this could be the end of the relationship. But if I don't reach out to her, I'll never know or things might just get worse.

She told me today that she was a little worried that we were getting tired of having her for Thanksgiving when the truth is that we live for her visit. She's more of an aunt to my kids than my own sister. And so what would have happened if I didn't reach out to her? She would have assumed we didn't want her to come. Crazy thing, this thing called life, huh?

Good luck with your email. Keep us posted. Hope you get it resolved. I have a feeling you will. There's a lot of good luck going around today.

xoxo

Liese

Thanks Liese and BG - I just sent it off. (nail-biting nervous now!)

I know I could be a little more forceful, but I want to kinda keep it as light and as simple as possible, and have the rest in conversation? If that makes sense? If she does give a blah answer, then I can always reply to that with a stronger statement and explanation, is my thinking. Cause really, if I was completely honest in what I want to say, it would be more along the lines of "I hate when you cancel, especially at the last minute, because I so look forward to seeing you and it hurts when plans don't happen. It makes me really sad."

I would not have sent this without your encouragement, so THANK YOU! Now... I hope my meds kick in hard so I sleep through the night, otherwise I'll be worrying about her reply all night... yikes!

p.s. It IS interesting Liese, how we seem to get these little reminders that people might see what we see from a totally opposite perspective. I'm so glad you DID reach out to your friend, otherwise it could have been one long, miserable mis-understanding that robbed you both (and your kids) of something pretty special!

R2G - i think it was good to keep it light. After reading your recent posts - this friend is worth keeping and I wouldn't want to alienate her. She is just being thoughtless. Hope it goes ok.

Great news Liese - way to go for reading out to your friend, and what a great resolution.

R2G,

I am so glad you sent it. And that was a good idea about saving the rest for an actual conversation. I have to say, though, that I loved what you wrote in your last post about "I hate when you cancel .... " because it was so heart-felt and I felt your pain and sadness immediately and it came from the "I" place. If a friend said that to me, I would want to reach out to comfort them and it would mean a lot to me that I meant that much to them. And, so, if you are ever feeling that brave and your friend gives you some reassurance, what you really want to say wouldn't be such a bad thing at all to say. Keep us posted when she responds.

SD, Thanks!

She called she called she called!!!

I answered the phone "I'm so happy to see your number come up on my phone right now!" Seriously, I think my heart skipped a beat when I saw she was calling - both because I was happy that she was calling and because I was terrified she was mad.

She said she doesn't hate me and she's not mad, she's just been really busy. Which I knew already. We chatted for about 20 minutes about what's been keeping her so busy and other mundane topics while completely avoiding the purple elephant in the room.

Two things came up for me while we were talking. First, I was trying to figure out how to bring up the topic of the email, and couldn't, and it was really bothering me. A part of me wanted her to bring it up, and explain why she's been cancelling, but the rest of me knows that I'm going to be the one to have to address it. The other thing that was bothering me was the fact that since we didn't address the "problem" I found myself much more reserved in responding when she asked how I've been and what's up with me.

I'm starting to worry that I can't answer that question honestly except for with my T and dietitian and that's it. What if she's been too busy for me because I am too open with my "stuff" and she's tired of hearing it? What if she doesn't really want to know how I am doing, and is asking because it's the polite thing to do? I seriously brushed over the question and answered her with little more information than I'd answer the question if asked at work.

We got cut off toward the end of the conversation, and when I called her back it went straight to voicemail (meaning her phone likely died.) She emailed me and said that she'd call me later tonight, cause her phone died, but at this point, I'm not sure if I believe that she actually will... which makes me pretty sad.

So while I'm thrilled she called and said she isn't mad at me, it's still one big unresolved ball of anxiety right now.

Liese, I do hope that I can have the honest conversation with her, but right now, the thought is terrifying me, cause if we do have that conversation, I'll be a wreck of tears.

SD, I do think she is worth keeping, I just need her to own up to her piece of this, and at this point, I don't know if she'll be able to do that.

BG - thanks for thinking of me, I hopeful that the heart-to-heart will still happen...?

(((((R2G))))

I'm so glad she called but I'm so sorry that you still feel unresolved about it all. I get reserved too in therapy when there is something on my mind that I want to bring up but can't. Then I don't engage. It's sooo frustrating. I wonder if she thinks she addressed the problem by explaining that she's been busy and she still doesn't realize that it's making plans and then cancelling them that's causing you anxiety? Just speculating here. I think you are right about you having to be the one to bring it up. It also stinks that you are worried about whether or not she will call you back tonight. It's almost like you are back at ground zero.

I have a friend that keeps emailing me to go to the movies or out to dinner. And then I say, okay, when? And then she'll say, well, I'm busy this weekend so let's try another time. And then I might email her a couple of weekends down the road and she'll still be busy. It's confusing because she initiates but when I press her for a date, she always (or at least so far) says no. And so, I just decided that I will put it out there for her that I'm available to go to the movies. Kind of like, I'll say yes if you ask and call me when you really want to go. And I'm going to forget about it for now because it was like she was dangling this carrot and I'd bite and then well, you know. That feels awful.

I'm just wondering if it would be better for you to have this conversation with your friend in person. Maybe you need to see her, see her facial expressions and hear her tone of voice and then you will be able to read the situation better. So, I'm wondering if you could possibly do something like I did with my friend. Email her and say something like, I'd really love to see you and catch up, so please call or email me any time when you have time to get together.

Is that too passive?

Thanks Liese, I'm glad she called too! At least THAT pressure is off of me (the one where I was taking the blame for every problem known to man!)

It is unresolved, and she still hasn't called me tonight. I don't think she will, even though I have an email that says she will

She's incredibly smart, both book smarts and people smarts, so she knows (I firmly believe) that this is not resolved. I just think she is waiting for me to bring it up. The funny thing about all this is that the last two plans (that she cancelled) SHE is the one that picked the date and time and place! I gave up suggesting dates/times/places long ago, as she's got the harder schedule to work around. I had hoped that we'd talk when we met last Sunday - oh wait, she cancelled that one too - cause it would be better to talk F2F.

At this point, I just wish I could talk to my T about it. I need to get some better coping skills, that's a given, but I also want to process through this whole situation, because I do feel I deserve her cancelling on me and treating me like this because of something that happened between the two of us like 8 years ago. But I don't. want. to. put. T. in. the. middle. I don't know if I'd be asking too much of her if I spilled the whole story, name included (it would be a give away once I share the backstory, since T knows it all anyway) since she is currently seeing both me and my friend.

I know I have a hard time making friends and maintaining healthy, appropriate friendships, and I want to learn how to do that better... but that isn't going to happen unless I process this

Hey there R2G,

I really hope you can find a way to talk to T about it but it does sound so tricky because she does see the both of you. Hopefully she can separate herself and be able to be there for you.

You mentioned the new boyfriend. Just wondering if he is the type who would expect her to be available at certain times. She makes plans with you but then he wants her to do something with him. Some men are very possessive. And some women just give in to their demands, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Just throwing that out there.

xoxo

Liese

Well.... I did ask T about it. I asked flat out what the boundaries/guidelines are about discussion situations involving another person she sees.

Can I just say I love my T? I admit it. I love my T.

She said that there are no boundaries or limits on what we can talk about - anything and everything is open to discuss. She's been in situations before and she'll deal with it on her end, but nothing is off limits for me to bring up. My response? Curled up into a ball in my chair and sobbed for a few minutes.

I really wish I didn't have such a hard time accepting such.... warmth? ...kindness? ...care?

Anyway, I did talk to her about the situation, and cried, a lot, like an unnecessary amount, but it is what it is. And she assured me that my friend has NO idea how hard I take it when she cancels and how much it upsets me, and that my friend is not doing it intentionally and will definitely be open to hearing me out and not be mad at me and not judge me and all that.

T also gave me a good opening - that I actually used in replying to a text my friend sent about getting together this weekend - basically restating what I said in the email I sent the other day. So once again, I now wait... I know we will have the conversation... maybe via phone, maybe in person... but I won't be able to get together with her until we do....

Who knew friendship could be so freaking complicated?!

((((R2G))))

So glad you were able to talk to T about it. I think it's really touching that you were so touched by T's care that you curled into a ball and cried. I think that IS accepting her care, no? I feel like such a cold fish with my T when he's nice or says nice things. Sometimes I go home and cry when I realize the significance of what he said but can't do it in session. You definitely do NOT have that problem!!!

That's so great that she reassured you that your friend has no idea the effect the cancellations have on you. Best of all, now you are free to talk to T about anything!!!

xoxo

Liese

R2G - I LOVE your T. You did so well and were brave to bring it up. Reading this thread and being a part of it has given me so much encouragement to talk to my T about the hard stuff - like boundaries. Thank you so much.

Hi All....

Liese, thanks for validating my reaction to T... I have such a hard time letting her words sink in, it is so painful to hear care directed at me!

SD, I love my T too She's a great match for me. I'm glad you're finding some help from this thread... I haven't been around much to contribute to others, but it's good to know that even in my own issues, it's helping others to read them!

And now... an update.

I am FREAKING OUT about my friend situation. T and I have spent three sessions trying to discuss my reaction to the situation. I've literally cried myself to sleep every night for the past week over this. It's to the point where I've now reached out to my friend THREE times, and she's not responding. However, she wrote on my FB wall about doing dinner next week, and I didn't respond right away cause I was trying to think of a good way to do so. When I went back to respond the next day, she had deleted the post. I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment all of a sudden.

My heart is breaking. And what's worse, is that I feel like I'm completely over reacting to the whole situation - I mean, is this what happens when friendships end? I've never gone through this before, never been this crushed by another person... It is excruciating. I've shed so many tears over the fact that she isn't talking to me, and I don't quite know why... it feels like I'm blowing this situation into something way bigger. But I can't help it. I miss my friend. And if the friendship is ending, I at least want to know what I did to contribute to its demise so that I don't repeat it in another relationship.

More than that, right now I sooooo badly want to just send her a quick FB message (I've tried text and email with no response) and say "are you mad at me?" That's all. Just five little words. And hope, hope, hope for a response..... I don't know what to do anymore. Right now, I just want to do something! I don't now how long I'm supposed to wait for HER to contact me? At least I can openly talk with T about it... but.... it really hurts.

(((((R2G))))

I'm so sorry things are not only not resolved with your friend but almost even more confusing than ever. All relationships go through seasons. (Stole this from John Gray, who probably stole it from someone else.) But it makes sense. Even marriages. People grow together, they pull apart, sometimes they grow again together. It sounds like your friend is going through something. You have to try to trust enough in yourself that you are a good person and you didn't do anything bad. Whatever it is that's going on with her, it's her stuff. There's nothing you did wrong that you need to figure out so you don't repeat it. Trust me. I've played that game for years. Tried to turn myself inside out so that I wouldn't lose another friend. But the problem is, everyone is different. And, so what might bother one person isn't going to bother the next person. And, so we keep twisting and turning and thinking there is one more thing we can learn and then no one will leave us ever again. But then there is nothing left of us. We become empty shells. Like the tree, in Shel Silversteins, "The Giving Tree".

Maybe she was a sort of attachment figure to you and this is why you are crying at night? That has happened to me. You are greiving.

Talking to T about it would probably be the best thing. I would tell you not to contact her again and just let her sort out whatever it is she needs to sort out. But that could be the wrong advice. T knows you better and she knows what has been going on.



((((BIG HUGS))))

xoxo

Liese

Thanks DF.... I think I'm starting to learn about those misattunements in friendships. And that's exactly the difficult part - that I want to talk about it, but she isn't available to talk! I told T what I wanted to do, and well, T had other ideas.

Liese, I never thought of her as an attachment figure, but yes, that's what she has become, and I'm not all that thrilled with that fact. I guess, though, you can't really choose who your heart decides to attach to.

T reminded me today that this whole situation is incredibly one sided - my friend absolutely has NO idea that I'm worried, anxious, stressing, and concerned about the state of our friendship. She knows I don't like when she cancels plans, cause I told her that. But since we've not spoken since that one phone call, and that was just lighthearted conversation... she truly has no idea how upset I am. And as my T pointed out, it isn't fair of me to give her no chance to know, and instead I am automatically going to the extreme worst case scenario. Makes sense (since that's what I'm good at) that I did that... but now?

Now the only way to move forward is to tell her that "I have really missed you, and once you have some time, I'd really like to talk about how to maintain a friendship that best supports both of us." Considering her availability opens up in two days... I think, hope... maybe... that I'll call her on Sunday and see how it goes?

I hate that I am so "worst case scenario" minded... I always assume it's my fault, and the worst is happening. This friendship could be totally fine - she's not mad at, or frustrated with, or overwhelmed by me, she's just plain busy and overwhelmed with her own life. I just made it bad and about me.

T said, whatever I decide, I have to be honest (stating specifically what I am feeling, not dropping hints for her to try and decode) and it should be at least on the phone, if not in person. Fingers crossed that I can follow through, and not just sweep this whole situation under the rug and wait for it to go away...

((((DF)))) ((((Liese)))) Thank you both for listening and sharing your words of wisdom!

(((R2G))))

Your T gave you such wise advice. See, I'm like you, "Ms. Worst Case Scenario". Your friend IS busy and overwhelmed and doesn't know how stressed you are about your friendship. On her end, the stability of the friendship is fine and so she's not even questioning what's going on between the two of you. Maybe she took back that dinner invitation because she knew she wasn't 100% sure she could follow through and she knows you don't like it when she cancels on you.

Let us know how it goes when and if you contact her. I would be nervous too so you are not alone there. Your T is wise.

xoxoxo

Liese

Resurrecting an old thread... sorry, thought it'd be better than starting a new one.

It's happening again. Same thing. Same friend. Plans made and cancelled. Plans made and no show. Plans made and nothing. My heart hurts. I'm about to face the scariest health thing I've ever dealt with, and I had hoped to have my best friend there to make it a little easier. Considering she cancelled our plans for last weekend, didn't show up at all for our plans this week, and isn't returning any of my communication attempts....

Yes, I talked to T about it. T thinks we can still salvage things, if we want to, and I do. But I can't seem to get a hold of my friend at all. I drafted an email that I want to send to her, but I don't even know what the point will be anymore. I miss her so much. I've never had a best friend before, and for the last few years (with the exception of the situation in October) I felt like I truly had one in her.

I'm wide open for advice, cause I'm hurting a lot, and can't make the hurt go away. If anyone is open to reading the email draft, please let me know and I'll PM it.

Sorry for re-opening this old thread.

R2G... my heart breaks for what you are having to endure right now. Please PM me the email and I will be happy to look it over.

I had a friend who used to do the same things. We actually worked together in my first job, long ago, and she would always cancel plans with me that I had looked forward to and even went out of my way to make possible. She would tell me she was coming for the weekend (we did not live near to each other) and then the day she was supposed to come she would cancel on me. She did this a number of times and so I just stopped asking. And while we remained friends, I never felt I could trust her and that kept the friendship at a more shallow level. It would be so disappointing that I could never depend on her.

I'm sorry you are having to struggle with this.

Hugs
TN

R2G - sorry your friend is doing this again. This is too much to be happening to you. Take Tn's advice and get TN to review your email, I am happy too as well - get a few of us to look at it if you think it will help.

SD

R2G I’m so sorry this has come up again with your friend. I’m probably not the best person to give you support here, as my instinct if I had a friend who did that to me would be to get the hell out. Sorting things out once is great, but to get an exact repetition without any explanation or consideration of how it makes you feel is in my books a deal breaker – not from any position of anger but more because I’d not be able to trust that friend again – which itself would change the whole dynamic of the friendship anyway.

I hope you can finalize your email to your satisfaction and get some resolution over this.

((((( R2G ))))

LL

Thank you everyone for listening to me whine. It was a really rough day yesterday - 12 hours at work, and then coming home to face this. I cried myself to sleep, and woke up in tears a few times throughout the night. I finally texted my friend and asked if it was something I did. The response this morning was "no, just busy with work." I read that to be "too busy for you."

I'm a mess.

Thanks for the offer to read the email TN, I'm sending it to you momentarily.

((((TN)))) ((((SD)))) ((((LL))))

R2G,

I am sending you a big ol' hug right now and wanted you to know that I am very sorry you are in so much pain. It hurts my heart to hear that you are suffering like this.