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4 replies

On being a victim

L lieseMember
I *think* I had an insight and would like some thoughts on being a victim.

I know that we need to stand up for ourselves at times so that we don't get pushed around. My problem has been that I never understood when I was supposed to do that.

I can think of two situations now when you might need to stand up for yourself but I'm wondering if there are more that I don't see. The first is when we aren't getting our needs met because people are distracted or whatever ... we talk about that a lot here.

The second, which just came to me today, is when we are being blamed unfairly for something that isn't our fault. My big insight this morning was that this might be a very important time to stand up for yourself. I have a situation at work going on right now that involves this issue.

I just thought of a third. When someone is trying to dump something that is their responsibility on us. This happened at work too. At first I felt bad for not wanting to do what this person wanted me to do. Then I started to question her more and found out that she was not managing her time well and had left work early. I also found out that this is a habit for her and that's why she couldn't get her work done.

In this last situation, I told her boss because I was worried that this person would go back to her boss to complain that I wouldn't help her and I would get the bad rap. (We are not in the same department even and I am no responsible for her work nor is she responsible for mine.) When I told my T that I told her boss, he wasn't that thrilled at first that I did so but I think that had to do with the fact that he wasn't sure what my motives were. When he found out that it was to protect myself, he was okay with it.

The third situation involved a coworker with equal stature. The second situation, however, involves a manager. Not my manager but a manager. She has a repuation for being difficult so I don't think anyone would take what she is saying that seriously BUT I'm wondering if I need to take action for two reasons. The first is to get her to stop blaming me for things. This is the second time it's happened. She gets ENRAGED. The second reason is to protect myself and my job with my boss and her bosses.

I'm so socially inept and definitely moreso in the workplace jungle so if anyone has any insight to offer, please let me know!!!!
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L lieseMember
I always felt like there was something wrong with me and I deserved to be mistreated.

What I am really excited about this morning is that I finally see that some people feel the need to blame others for the things that happen. That I could be the nicest person in the world and they would still want to blame others for the bad things that happen.

In the past, I've been happy to take that blame but now I feel good enough about myself (today, anyway) and understand that about some people. I also understand that I have a right to be happy and just because someone else isn't doesn't mean I have to let it affect my sense of self worth the way I used to in the past.



It's a big day! Wink
MallardMallardMember
quote:
That I could be the nicest person in the world and they would still want to blame others for the bad things that happen.


This is massive. It is really very difficult to get out of that cause and effect mindset; that if you're good enough, competent enough, nice enough etc etc then other people won't blame you, dump on you etc.

The idea that people blame others, or try and get them to take responsibility for things do it because they. just. do (or do because of their own bits and pieces of baggage and personality or whatever) was utterly mind-blowingly foreign to me.

The idea that you can view what you've just been handed as an unwanted gift that you need not take the wrapping paper off and can choose to say 'no thanks' to... and hand it back pretty powerful if you can pull it off.

I'd be lying if I said I was always gracious about it. Sometimes I'm a bit aggressive or defensive in my handing back. Sometimes I'm kind of okay. Sometimes I fail utterly and find myself cursing myself and them. Roll Eyes

My one rule for myself is that mostly I'll try and deal with the problem person directly first. And I try to be factual, rather than emotional.
L lieseMember
((((MALLARD))))

quote:
The idea that you can view what you've just been handed as an unwanted gift that you need not take the wrapping paper off and can choose to say 'no thanks' to... and hand it back pretty powerful if you can pull it off.


Wow. What a great way to visualize it. I am just starting to recognize that I don't have to accept the "gift" but I'm sure I will be and have been less than gracious with other things. This stuff is hard for just about everyone not matter how you look at it.

Dealing with the person directly first sounds like a solid rule. Otherwise, things can get really out of control. My boss told me yesterday that she has also had some difficult dealings with this woman. My biggest fear was that someone I would get blamed BUT I don't think I have to worry about that anymore. It sounds like she has built quite the reputation for herself.

The funny thing is, that I am there to serve her and all of the managers and would do anything for them but there is no reason to talk to me like that. If I make a mistake, I will fix it. Why mangle me (and I'm sure it has to affect her on some level)? It just doesn't make sense. I've decided NOT to talk to her about it because any energy directed towards her is wasted energy. She just doesn't see or get how she comes across and I'm not going to be the one to "save" her.

Thanks for your thoughts.

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