...or how I'm learning to be vulnerable.

This has been an issue that has been bothering me ever since I started this once-a-week session process (previous T just saw me whenever I made an appointment which happened only three times and very sporadically). It's come and gone and sometimes disguises itself as something else but I think ultimately what it comes down to is this:

The shame of being in psychotherapy.

I get it, people need help. Whenever we are hurting or struggling with something, we seek others, whether they be family or friends. We, as social creatures, rely on one another to grow and succeed. And sometimes, that takes the form of professional help, from people who have studied the science of the problems you are experiencing, namely doctors, professors, lawyers, etc.

And then there are psychologists/therapists, who help people with a specific set of problems, that often times make it difficult to do just about anything else. I've read countless times that seeking this kind of help is actually a kind of strength, meaning that we are willing to admit to ourselves that, no, we can't handle this on our own.

But if all this is true, if a psychologist is there to fulfill the very necessary function of healing, why does society keep stigmatizing it, after all these years? Why is it that there are so many toxic ideas around about how going through therapy means that you're not "strong enough" or "adapted enough"? That you're overexagerating your problems? Why does it carry such a heavy tone of moral failure?

I think a lot of it has to do with our desire to be invincible, to be strong and capable and well-adjusted to the society we live in. To not come off as "weak" or "different". I could go on about political and socio-economical baggage that this kind of reasoning comes with, but this is not the space for it. I guess, the point of why I'm writing this post in the first place is because I've tried to talk to msyelf about it, I've tried to remind myself a million reassuring thoughts, I've looked up some inspiring examples of people who have gone through the same, some part is still embarassed about having to go through these sessions.

Coming from a family where the philosophy has always been to pick oneself up and move on, to brush things off and buck up, I can see how my environment and the learned values I have in me affect myself in this regard. On a broader sense, I don't have friends who have been through this kind of treatment or really known anyone who wasn't cast off as being "weird" or "troubled" for taking depression medication. And, heck, media plays a huge part too. How many times have we seen stereotypes about shrinks and their patients?

Resistance may be playing its role here, as well, hand in hand with these feelings. Psychoanalytic therapy requieres a deep sense of self-observation and, well, analysis of your thoughts, and that requires questioning ways of thinking, and I am still not entirely okay with that. In fact, I think of the horrible outcomes that could happen if I do unleash this monstrous fiercely-defensive beast in front of my therapist. I also worry that my therapist might do me more harm than good in my journey, though my hopeful, positive, go-getter side doesn't.

But that's all part of the healing, right? Learning to accept that you have these things called *feelings* and they're okay to feel them, even if they are negative and ugly and unwanted. I do have to take into account though: who actually likes feeling miserable?

Here's a scope of what I'm going through: I feel awful, my anxiety rises up to a bad level and I just can't wait to see my therapist again and work through this stuff and talk. I feel good and calm, and even cheerful, and some part of me tells me, "...girl,you don't need therapy! All you need is some time on your own to work through all of the post-nastiness! In fact, delving into this deep stuff is only going to make it worse."

"Besides", that reasoning continues, "problems are a part of life, right? How many friends and family do you see going through anger and disappointment and sadness and frustration on a daily basis? They don't go to therapists. What about all those characters on movies and tv shows who go through deep internal struggles and come out triumphant, without the need of psychological help?"

This is actually kind of uncomfortable to type, but I figured it'd be a good step. I want to be okay with the decision I made, I want to move forward, and be able to simultaneously enjoy therapy and enjoy my regular life happenings. I don't always have horrible days (or hours) but that doesn't mean that I should quit altogether.

So, my main question is, how did you learn to cope with this problem (if you had it)? How did you learn to calm the little man inside of you that just wants to run away and be "like everybody else"?