I had a mother who said "you aren't (insert emotion) you're fine."

Yeah, sure, whatever. I was anything but fine.

I didn't fully access my feelings until a year ago. The damage done in childhood followed me, controlling my emotions (because I figured I really wasn't mad, I was fine) for 20+ years. It still shocks me that there are so many feelings and emotions out there! I spent my whole life feeling "fine" and having minor explosions every few months when I had stuffed down too many "fines" so I was convinced that what I felt didn't matter.

It is causing a lot of hard work and pain as an adult, but finally working through this blockage and allowing myself to really feel what I feel? It will be worth it.

Ditto most of what R2G said. In the very rare case I bothered (dared) to express feeligs outside of approval and acceptance to my mom, I was told I didn't actually feel what I was communicating, or else didn't have a right to. So, I was basically lying/exaggerating or my feelings were completely unjustified. I have found feeling and thinking differently within a relationship extremely challenging, and often threatening. At best, I didn't see the point of being aware of it. For me, it only causes internal invalidation (tell myself I'm lying, overreacting, etc. to prevent the pain of being told from the outside) or intense justification (prove why my feelings/opinions get to be true sometimes before they are even contradicted, hence wordy posts).

My mom split herself and was unable to "see" anything except the idealized image she had of who she was as a parent, provider, lover, etc., so anyone reflecting anything else back was punished (emotionally abused, kicked out, etc.). I sometimes think a lot of my internal splits and dissociation was created to protect her in that way, so she wouldn't know those bad feelings (which she denied could or should be there) existed toward her at all.

all. the. time. you can only be happy and fine. anything else was unacceptable. so, what that did for me was teach me to blockade myself alone and be alone with my sad, mad, confused feelings. and when i became a teen and started writing songs and singing, the next day it would be "why do you sing such sad songs? why can't you sing more "happy" songs"? but there were never discussions with her about WHY i was feeling sad or mad or confused and help me deal with and understand and be okay with them. it was never okay. it still isn't.

what that mentality has done for me? nothing good. it taught me to shut people out. and i know i shut them out and yet that doesn't prevent me from shutting them out again. i still do it, and i know i'm doing it, but i do it because i a) don't want to be hurt and b) don't believe in myself. but i also don't want to be alone. it's a true conundrum. it really is a bitch. yeah. oh, and i shut T out, too. still struggling with that one. one day i'll go back, i think. i'm still integrating his "care" or something ..... thanks mom! (i love the woman and will do anything for her, i just don't like her much).

yes indeed! by both my parents.

what it caused was when someone would (or does..) say something about me, i'd internalize it. i would doubt what i thought all the time and double check my intentions but ultimately finding something that meant i was fundamentally bad, wrong, or confused about myself. it would get so bad that... let's say at school we had an anti-drug seminar during the seminar i would start to feel like... omg, i really need to stop using drugs! when... i was never doing drugs in the first place but i'd ask myself... cat are you SURE you aren't doing drugs? i'd have to check in several times before i'd believe myself that #1 i don't do drugs and #2 i therefore do not need to stop them. that's the best example i can think of - it's sort of whacky.

i have on a card taped to my desk something that my T wrote out for me that says 'People don't have to agree with me and I can trust what I believe". In context... this is I can trust how i feel about myself even if other people tell me different. it's a good mantra for other stuff too.

this has actually been the focus on my work recently and we're doing pretty good with it!

Oh ya!

to everyone. same for me so i know how sucky it feels. Like not being able to trust your own reality.

Cat, I totally relate to this and know how whacky it seems.

quote:

i'd have to check in several times before i'd believe myself that #1 i don't do drugs and #2 i therefore do not need to stop them. that's the best example i can think of - it's sort of whacky.

Sometimes, when there was a burglary on tv or something like that, I'd feel guilty as if I did it. One time, I even confessed to cheating on a test just because the teacher thought I did when I actually hadn't cheated.

Indeed - only mine taught me NOT to feel anything, especially 'difficult' emotions or anything that wasn't associated with pleasantaries she saw important such as happiness, achievement and compliance.

I am slowly learning with the help of my T that it is safe and healthy to feel a whole range of emotions... but it's hard to unlearn what was instilled so early on.

starfishy