I can so relate to what you said about being sensitive to Ts boundaries... I avoid crashing in to them at all costs, and will flat out ask T if there is something I'm unsure of now. It took a while to get to that point, but it's easier than second guessing everything!

My T is not one to share details of her personal life at all. What she does do, though, is share stories from her family/life that are relevant to what I'm experiencing. For example, we were talking about my lack of ability to tolerate and express anger. She shared something that her husband had said about anger, which really punctuated our conversation and was helpful. Another time she shared something about a family vacation they took, and a situation that could have ruined the trip, but they didn't let it, as a reminder for me that one bad "road block" doesn't need to ruin a whole day/situation.

My T is really good at using her personal experiences to positively and therapeutically illustrate situations that I'm facing to show me that there are other ways to handle things. I find it very helpful, and am very appreciative that she does so.

I'm also free to ask her any questions I'd like, but we both know she does not need to answer them I've really only asked her two personal questions in the nearly two years we've been working. One she answered outright, the other, she didn't. No biggie!

I will add, though, that I had one T that self disclosed WAY too much and my sessions often turned into me listening to her stuff. Actually, I had two Ts that did that! At first, with one of the Ts (the first one) I liked it and felt special that she shared with me. After a few months it got to be annoying, and shortly thereafter I quit. With the second T that did that, I only saw her for about 6 weeks cause I didn't like it from the start.

Good question! It was kinda nice to think about this differently!

hi, Liese
my T discloses things when it seems tied-in to what is going on here-and-now, so i've had glimpses. i've learned things like: his mother was a nurse, he has one brother and they are estranged, he has two sons and one daughter, grandchildren yes, a wife of course since he's too cool to be single (i'm single, so that's not to slam any singles out there ... just want to make the point the he's awesome ), he is a liberal tree hugger yet he hunts peasant, bikes, has rock-climbed, had a best-friend that was shot to death, loves dogs, and he realates stories from his past again, only as it pertains to what's going on in therapy. there are a couple of things i would like to ask him, but one of those things could be touchy and i don't know if i want to go there with him, but i would be curious as to the answers. i do think they need to not disclose too much, because the longer i'm in therapy i appreciate (although i don't like it) how the transference is brought to the surface, and i think if they disclosed too much it would interfer with the work that really needs to be done. it's a fine line, i think. i think they should share if it will be helpful to the client, but they have to be careful to not share too much. i think being a T has to be one of the toughest jobs out there.

thanks for the question, Liese.

Interestingly, this is one boundary I never worry about running into, even though I obsess about other ones, specifically out of session contact.

I've never managed to ask my T a personal question that she wouldn't answer. I think this helps me trust her more in a way, to know that she is willing to be open and put herself out there too. It hasn't resulted in me asking a ton of questions. I know she has one son my age, what her religious background is, where she grew up, that she is married, and what some of her interests are. Some day I would like to ask what her family was like when she was growing up. Sometimes I ask her what she is thinking in the moment. That is definitely a fun one; you should try it sometime

I don't think I sympathize much with people who think that knowing stuff about your T would destroy therapy. I think that would only be the case if you asked so much about your T, or they volunteered so much, that the therapy stopped being about the client. In that case you would have to draw a line.

Hi Liese,

I think it is great that you put yourself out there a bit and asked T about some of the things you've been wondering. Glad he responded well, it sounds like a fun session. I don't think the questions you asked sound at all invasive. Maybe it is the case that he is not so much opposed to self disclosure in principle as he is respecting that the hour is yours and he doesn't want to clutter it with information about himself unasked?

quote:

There are a ton of other things I want to ask him but I'm not sure if I will pursue it.

What sorts of things would you like to ask him? Just curious.

My T is at the more disclose-y end of the spectrum. She has freely offered info about her habits, hobbies, interests, beliefs, family, experiences, and observations. On a couple occasions it's been too much and has triggered me, but it's mostly been cool. T says she thinks therapy works better when the client knows some things about the therapist.

Anyway, there is not a whole lot about her that I'd want to know that I don't already, but sometimes I ask her questions. I ask her about what she thinks about things a lot. . . usually something related to one of my disclosures, experiences, or personal conundrums. She always answers, and then frequently turns the question back at me. Sometimes I ask her hypothetical questions about parenting, "What would you do if. . . ?" sorts of questions. Occasionally I ask her something related to how she's feeling about me, like if I've made her mad, or annoyed her, or what she thought of my most recent email, etc.

One time I was talking about a book that had affected me very profoundly and asked if there were some books that have had that kind of affect on her. That is probably the "nosiest" question I've asked, but she seemed okay with it. She mentioned "The Kingdom Within" by Joel Sanford. I need to read it someday.

Anyway, cool thread, as always. I like reading and talking about this kind of thing.

As I've said, my T can be super disclosure guy.

He'll disclose a lot of things from what is going on in his life in general to his family composition to his past (relevant to me) struggles. Just today, I had to check the connection was OK and he was not mad, because someone inside was feeling "in trouble" about something. He replied back that he wasn't mad, but a little sad or bummed because he had left some beans (he has talked about the veggie garden he is growing and how exciting it is) out and they started to wilt, but they were doing a bit better now, so he was happier. Random stuff like that that shows me who he is. His own "stuff" doesn't enter the room really. He will tell when he's having trouble sometimes (for example might be getting sick), but only to explain about his focus being off, so I don't think it's about me.

I used to be scared to death to run into his boundaries, that him saying no to stuff meant I did something wrong. Boundaries were so confusing in my FOO, because I wasn't allowed to have any myself and my mom's were changing so often and got me in so much trouble, I just decided that my very own skin was my boundary (for reaching out to others). The first couple times I asked something that was off-limits and he said so, it felt really scary. Now, it feels...great! When he says yes to some things and no to others and gives a cursory explanation of why he doesn't think it's appropriate/helpful to discuss something, it helps me see he's not like that. That his boundaries aren't actually fuzzy and he knows right where they are and will keep them, and consistently. It feels...so safe!!!

I don't think any of the sort of questions you're mentioning would be off-limits for my T. I think the resistance I would get from him would more likely be that our focus is shifting off of what we're there for (and possibly is an avoidance tactic from me, since he is easily gotten off on a tangent). He certainly is open to being asked questions, but I think he prefers the getting to know you stuff to just rise organically. But, if it were a block to my feeling safe and within the boundaries of what he would share with any client, I'm sure he'd take the time to do so.

I'm glad you've been able to "personalize" your T a bit more. For me, that has been a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it feels safer, more real, in terms of how vulnerable I am within a relationship that could very well feel sterile. A curse, because I feel myself getting more close and connected and that is a terrifying thing when you are considering the limitations of that sort of relationship (although we finally had the big conversation about that on Wednesday, and I don't find myself worrying anymore).

Good topic, Liese!

Hi Liese!

Such a good topic for discussion, and I am proud of you for taking a leap and asking T some questions. That takes a lot of courage.

Wow, for me, I've been at both ends of the spectrum. With OldT it was the tightest boundaries you could ever imagine. All I knew about her was what I found on the internet. LOL! She was SO closed off from answering anything at all. It drove me crazy, and it caused me to project a very very great deal onto her. (I think my obsessive feelings for her were fueled by her boundaries being so incredibly strict.). While T's need boundaries, that T went OVERBOARD. Beyond actually!

Now, I have T, a person who discloses a lot of herself. She has had a very similar childhood to me. She has children like I do. We talk personal things. She's divulged her weekend plans. She's told me personal issues(as I explained in my other thread).

The question is...which one is the best? I don't know. I really can't say that my T divulging everything is the way to go, and I can't say that ex T refusing to say a word was the right way either. Maybe boundaries are a balance that are very dependent on the two people in the therapeutic relationship. The dynamic between two people is always different. I could work with one T, and someone else could see that T and have a totally different experience.

This topic was good. It made me think and compare my two T's, and allowed me to see what I like, what I don't, and feel like I can bring forth some of these issues in my current therapy to make my experience better for me.

It sounds like everyone knows quite a bit more about their T's than I know about mine. It was really great to read everyone's stories and thoughts on the subject. It seems like most if not all of you are saying that you think some self-disclosure can be helpful in the right context for the right reason.

Does anyone want to care about their T? I want to care about my T but can't if I don't know anything about him. It's hard to be in a relationship and sometimes feel like I could walk away and never give him another thought because I never really knew him.

((((R2G)))))

My T doesn't really share stories like yours does. He used to bring in conversations he had with other clients if he felt it was relevant and instructional. I didn't like him talking about conversations he had with other clients so I told him and he stopped doing it.

There was a period I went through when I had to mentally block out T's life so I think if he did share those kinds of stories with me, it would have devastated me. I'm stronger now and might be able to tolerate it.


(((CLOSED DOORS)))

It's great to hear that you have such an awesome T. I agree with you about it being one of the toughest jobs out there. I don't know how they do it. It has to be exhausting.

((((BLT)))))

Yeah, I would stress about the out of session contact too especially after your last experience. Your new T sounds solid though. Wow. You really do know quite a bit about her. I would also like to know what my T's family was like growing up. I might ask him that this Thursday.

(((HIC))))

I do think he was opposed to self-disclosure. He has disclosed (haha) to me that he's been more open with me than with any client ever. And that he's also more open to self-disclosing now because of our relationship and what we've been through together. The first personal thing I learned about him from him is that his birthday is 6 days before mine and I learned that this last December. He always seemed to remember my birthday and this year I asked him how he did it. At first he said he did his research but I pushed him a little and he revealed that his birthday was 6 days before mine.

It's odd to think that he's been more open with me than with any of his clients because I hardly know anything about him. But what he has disclosed has been more along the lines of countertransference. I don't think he was big into disclosing his countertransference until I came along. That type of disclosure has actually been extremely helpful for me because it gave me explanations for an enactment between us. I needed to know that stuff in order to trust him.

I'd love to know how he felt about his Mom and his Dad. I can tell that he loved his Mom and seems to have more of an affinity for her than for his Dad. I would love to ask my T more about his childhood, why he went into psychology and what happened between him and his wife. (I think she died but I'm not sure.) I might actually ask him the first couple of questions but not the last one.

((((ANON))))

quote:

He replied back that he wasn't mad, but a little sad or bummed because he had left some beans (he has talked about the veggie garden he is growing and how exciting it is) out and they started to wilt, but they were doing a bit better now, so he was happier

Your T is priceless. He sounds so genuine and likable and just terrific.

quote:

I think the resistance I would get from him would more likely be that our focus is shifting off of what we're there for (and possibly is an avoidance tactic from me,

My T lets me have sessions off when I'm feeling emotionally overwhelmed and can't share just yet what I'm going through. And even though I can't always talk about what's going on for me in the moment, it's still helpful to go to the session and see him. Usually, we just do the puzzle we are working on. When I told him that I couldn't talk this week but was going to ask him questions about him, his first response was, "What about the puzzle?" Often just spending time with him doing the puzzle brings me to a better place.

(((UNBROKEN)))

quote:

I think my obsessive feelings for her were fueled by her boundaries being so incredibly strict.

Yes, I have a feeling that that's what happened to me also. I'll test it out by asking him more questions and see if I think about him less. IDK, a part of me thinks I won't think about him less but maybe I'll wonder about him less. LOL!

quote:

Maybe boundaries are a balance that are very dependent on the two people in the therapeutic relationship.

That's a great point. I can't imagine being someone who sees a T and has absolutely no curiosity about their T whatsoever but I suppose those people do exist.