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17 replies

on solid ground, right on the edge of a cliff

J janedoeMember
Hi - I was really triggered by a series of events that happened today. I'm ok, just mixed up and feel like I am on the edge of falling off the edge of an emotional cliff. I'm not over the cliff, and I'm ok and feel like I'm coping alright, but it feels like I'm on the edge of that cliff. Feels like my capacity to cope ok, is full. Maybe as a result, I feel really reserved, quiet, and scattered.

I have some extra work and practical stuff I have to deal with this week that was going to be triggering as is, and I'm probably more weary of and overwhelmed by. I have some practical things I need to do about the triggering stuff that happened today too. Also started a new (part time) job today - one that is so good for me, but another thing to adjust to. I feel maxed out and have no idea how I will even make it through this week without falling off that cliff.

but I do happen to have an appointment w my regular and eq T tomorrow - I've neer seen them on the same day, but that's just how the scheduling worked out for this week... I'm really glad. Maybe it will help my emotions back up from the proverbial cliff.

I'm taking it one moment at a time, and I might be a little bit gone or a bit of a zombie for a little while, maybe a week. There are a handful of responses and 2 threads I started here I have SO been wanting to get back to - but I can't right now. I will have to get to them later.

so sorry,
~ jane
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J janedoeMember
Liese, Deepfried, Blanket Girl, STRM, Blackbird, Preppie Girl - aw... thank you... your words are so kind. I can't even quite take it in. Brought tears to the surface, in a very good way. thank you for your kindness and encouragement.

yesterday my T's helped me start to build a better fence between me and the cliff.

it was a really good thing because i'm maxed out now. I slept very little last night - and faced digusting triggers today that I expected - and some I didn't know would come up. I knew it would be hard, maybe it would get to me - and it didn't all day until now. I'm nearly undone. I hardly ever feel like I want to just shut everything out and escape - but right now I do so much want to do that. I hate me with such a passion and I'm losing the battle to stop hating me tonight.

trying to remember to breathe
~ jane
kashleykashleyMember
Hugs to you, Jane. Be proud of yourself for making it through the day, because only someone with your strength could deal with a bunch of triggers and not be undone. I know you said you're nearly there, but you're not yet! You have every right to feel like you want to escape, but I really, really hope you don't. Keep posting here, call/email your T - just do what helps you and keeps you safe.

I relate so much to the feeling of being on a cliff. Sometimes it's even felt like the cliff is in my chest - like I could draw a line of where the edge is. A while ago, my T helped me build a fence between me and the cliff. Literally - we imagined a fence between me and the edge. She described it as being wrought iron and high, but I could still look out and see the view if I wanted. I hope you'll stand with me by the fence, Jane. It's strong, and you won't fall. ((((Jane))))
J janedoeMember
I called my T this afternoon, and left a message telling her the triggers I faced, and told her, "I am worn out and hurting in places in my heart that were already sore, and it would probably be good to talk about what happened at my appointment tomorrow, and not let me just push it away. But for today, I'm ok. See you tomorrow." I didn't ask for a call back.
Later on, when I got home from work tonight, it all hit me. My mind to started to go to very dark places so fast is surprised me. Right then, my T called. I answered, surprised she called. She asked, "how are you?"
It took so much to even say the words, "I'm not so ok..."
She asked if it would help to talk. I could barely speak. But we did. I felt so ashamed to even be so not ok... But she just said, "It just is - and it is ok." I couldn't even say much, but I said a few things - and even my inability to speak my T understood as a sign of how rough of a place I was in. She talked with me, and it helped. Tomorrow is too much to face right now. At least I don't have to deal with it until tomorrow. Going to go crawl in bed.... and just focus on getting some sleep tonight...
marshmarshMember
((((((JD))))))
I am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. I hope you will be ok! Even though you didn't expect your T to return a call, and hard to talk to her, it must have felt good to know she cared enough to call and check on you. I really hope that with her and your perseverance you will be able to overcome this as well and continue on.
J janedoeMember
thanks BB, Marsh and Liese for the good thoughts and prayers and encouragement.

It was really caring of my T to call... and she keeps being kind! yeah, maybe I should not be so surprised and trust her more or something but it's pretty bewildering.

This morning I woke up to a family member calling and was a mess. I didn't asnwer the phone until the thirds time, and only then it was because I feared someone died or something. No one died, just family chaos. I live 1,000 miles away for a reason. I saw my T today shortly after hanging up (she does reg office hours on Sat and takes off Sun and two days during the week). I actually ended up late to the appointment because I couldn't stop the tears quickly enough to walk into the building where my T's office was. She heard me today... in a way I needed... and in a way I wanted to shut out. I was struggling to even handle her hearing me and being kind. So I told her, "I think I hurt so bad from wanting to be included and wanting to be cared about, that I shut it out, and I know I am doing that right now, with you too, but I don't want too. I'm just overwhelmed with pain that is both flooding and numbing me out."

I dunno how it went over.

I've been canceling plans and connections with people a lot. I've been shutting everyone out. I need to stop. I need to stop running...
J janedoeMember
I think I have stopped running, at least I am slowing down...

I saw my T today - was able to touch in about how scared I am about going to the town I grew up in for Christmas. I also got to see my eq T - it is just how it worked out scheduling wise. Those darn horses always make me smile. My T was very kind too, even when I struggled to trust her.

Something felt really comforting today. I just want to hold on to that forever. argh. I also just want to hide.
J janedoeMember
Thank you DF!!! you are so sweet <3

Both of my T's are being really kind and encouraging me to take small steps.

I'm leaving in less than a week to go to the town where I grew up and I want to cancel that flight so bad. 11 years, and I'm still not ready for this! It really is safe and fine and good for me to go. But I'm having having a hard time with the fact that it is stirring up 11 years of pain... Friends and two safe family members will be there (and all other family is on a "maybe" list in terms of seeing them. Only if I am ready and feel up to it when I am there and someone who is emotionally safe comes with me.) So in my head, I know I need to go... but even trying to accept the kindness of my friends and the two safe family members is really hard!

I'm really grumpy. I want to stay here. And hide. Frowner For the first time in 11 years I actually just want to hide through the whole holidays. And this is the first time in 11 years I get to spend Christmas day with family. The actual day!

I'm fighting tears a lot. My T says it is progress to let the feelings come but I'm sick of them! ugh. Healing sometimes hurts?

~ jane

p.s. DF - your courage in making plans with your friends is helping me hang on and not cancel that darn flight. I like that deal - we can not-isolate together. Let's both not cancel and stay in! Smiler Big Grin Thanks again for your kind words and encouragement. Smiler

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