About - not creepy at all. You're not a monster. I'm glad you posted it. We don't "see" each other here so it's wonderful to see this.
-RT

About, the word "creepy" did not even come to my mind when I looked at your piece before reading your comments. "Complex," "meaningful," and even "enviable" did, however (not all that artistic myself.)

Why does it scare you?

Also, I like how you verbally expressed your feelings about your T as a "fixed attachment," and your statement about only knowing her kind therapist's face resonated with me. In my last session, I asked my T to delete something I had sent her. Her response was, "You don't know me that well, do you?" I answered, "Well, you don't tell me all that much." I do know her fairly well--I know she's tender-hearted, a conscientious parent, etc. I've known her through her pregnancies with her children, so I know a fair amount about her family life. However, I am aware that I only know her as a therapist, and her question irritated me.

Well stated comments, and I like your art! Thank you for sharing!

Oh, and as to whether you should take it in to a session, I don't see why not, if you are open to discussing its meanings with her. Actually, you don't even have to do that. I have a son who paints, and he tells people who asks what something "means" that he likes people to interpret his art for themselves--would you be interested in your T's take on your art?

About
I think it is very intriguing, and cool.

oldT wondered if I was the monster.

-RT

Wow - that's really powerful!

I can understand about art feeling 'scary' cos it kind of 'exposes' something deep? Music and writing can be the same.

SB

(((About)))

It's not creepy at all. It's powerful and poignant.

We have so many artistic types on here, and it is so good to see a glimpse of you through your work, About. Thank you for sharing it!

Thank you for all your replies and ... feel free to tell me more, if anything else comes to your mind.

I guess that my very ambiguous feelings toward the 'artwork' reflect my very view of attachment: it is always something I might be guilty of, because... what right do I have to be attached? Isn't it asking to much, and therefore scary for the other person, because there is the "Don't leave me" aspect, which is a demand and.... one should not want thins from others?
So I guess I see my attachment, and therefore artwork, as threatening: they are not only about my fear, the T's side exists as well, and it means I want something from her, and... it is baaaad ^^

quote:

ldT wondered if I was the monster.

I don't know the story behind that, but I am quite sure you are not the monster, and that oldT was WRONG to ever imply that. And I am sorry you have to live with that.

But I 'heard' (understood spontaneously without actually needing the evidence from the outside world) my T say that I was a monster. I know that, factually, it is not what she said, she said that a behaviour (which was attachement related) was not 'fine'. But what I heard is "you are a monster/bad person for being attached", and it is very difficult to go beyond that, even if I 'know' it is not what she said, it is so difficult to not believe it.

I am just "how could it be okay that I let her know that well... I sort of rely on her and also am emotionally attached?" , "how will she not send me away for this?"

Again, thank you for all your kind comments (and I approve the idea of a gallery, I'd like to see other's works, and... would feel less self-conscious posting mine!)

About, i think this is a lovely depiction of the feelings you're going through, and about the furthest thing from creepy that i can think of. our Ts ARE very important to us, and even though i also struggle with it, there is absolutely no shame in becoming attached to them ... from what i know it's kind of an important thing in therapy. and they DO play an important, even central part in our lives. it's all good

if you think sharing it with your T would be helpful to you and would help make your relationship stronger, then definitely i think you should share it with her. if you just feel a need to share it with her, then i also think you should do it.

((((About)))) you have a wonderful talent, and i'm happy you were brave enough to share and explain what it means. i'm always fascinated when people post their talent, because i view talent as being something very sacred, and the sharing of it as making oneself vulnerable, which is a good and healthy thing (under the right circumstances, of course). thanks for being brave and trusting us with your talent

p.s. i rather think the way you have here "trapped in the entanglement" is very endearing. we know our relationship with our Ts will invariable end, and the tought of it can be very scary (it is for me). maybe your "trapped" representation is your inner child's way of feeling like she's got some control. i don't know. i just think it's very sweet.

(((About))), it would be wonderful to see more of your artwork. As for this piece, I think it would be interesting to get your T's interpretation before you tell her yours. Nevertheless...

I'm thinking that your monster is the shame you place on yourself for having all the feelings that attachment brings up. There is nothing wrong with attachment. Attachment is all about survival, so it's a very intense and important aspect of life. Some of us have a harder time with it in adulthood because something got messed up when we were little - when attachment was crucial to our essential life. As we get older, we keep trying to work that out, to get what we missed, but everything is different. We still want those little child supports, but we judge our adult selves for the needs and that's where the shame comes from.

I don't know what "behavior" (and I'm not asking) your T said was not "fine." I imagine you took on a boatload more shame because of it, and that really isn't helpful. Even the most egregious behavior must be viewed in terms of the intent. If your intent was to get an attachment need met, that's where the issue must be solved - not in punishing (guilting) yourself for what you did.

I did one of those "bad behaviors" last year. (Much discussed on the boards here before I finally took it down.) I showed up at T's house, unannounced, uninvited, frantic. Afterwards, I felt terribly shameful, terribly guilty, terribly bad. With lots and lots of processing and help from folks here, I came to understand that in my emotional state, at my then present understanding and experience of attachment, it felt like a "biological imperative." Maybe that sounds far-fetched, but I do believe I was doing the best I could given the situation. And to me, it truly felt like life and death.

Anyway, I didn't mean to wander into my experience so much. I just wanted to share that I think "bad" always has a context and that doesn't make the context bad. That doesn't make attachment bad. That doesn't make you bad. It just means that you, me, many of us, have to work very, very hard to find an adult way to meet our childhood needs. To grow that little person up so we can have healthy relationships.

So, you are not "guilty" for your attachment needs. As for "right to be attached" - that doesn't make any sense. We ARE attached. We started out that way, before we were even born, in our mother's womb. After the abrupt detachment at birth, humans must be weaned, just as cute little puppies. It just takes a longer time with humans. We have a lot to learn before adulthood, and we are not to blame if our teachers weren't good enough. Puppies that are separated from their mothers need extra care. They need eye-droppers and stimulation of their skin. They don't get it the "normal" way, but they still need it. Give yourself the understanding you would have for a wee puppy, separated from its mother before fully weaned. They are so sweet and innocent, and they DESERVE that extra care.

YOU take good care -
RT

quote:

what right do I have to be attached? Isn't it asking to much, and therefore scary for the other person, because there is the "Don't leave me" aspect, which is a demand and.... one should not want thins from others?

Humans need attachment to go through their necessary developmental stages. This should happen with our primary caregivers (parents). When it doesn't our attachment becomes insecure or disorganized and we do not develop in the way we are supposed to which causes that empty place inside of us that we go through life trying to fill. It is because we have been deprived of this attachment which is humanly necessary. So,... NO you are not asking too much. You are asking for what you need in order to go back to those developmental stages you missed as a child.

And NO again. This is not (or should not) be scary for a T because they should understand that this is a very normal step for those who have trauma histories. And you will not be "too much" because once you develop this secure attachment and are able to experience the correct developmental stages, you will need your T less. You will always have a connection to T but it will not be the intense, sometimes frantic need you may feel today.

It really does work this way.

I would recommend that you read Pete Walker's articles on his website and/or his book which AH just posted about on the book forum. It explains so much of this in easy to understand terminology for the lay person.

If you are deprived, then depriving you more is not going to heal anything. It is when you are no longer deprived within relationship (such as with a t) that you will begin to heal and feel secure and complete.

TN

I just want to add, About, that I love this piece of yours. I admire artistic abilities. It really says a lot.
I do know you are NOT a monster.
Thank you for sharing this with us.

I know almost nothing about attachment - I kinda sorta maybe in a way keep my T an arms length away (well, she says a football field). I'm terrified of being dependent - and she says I need to attach to heal. I find it rather confusing.

Again, thank you for sharing this.

Just a few words to tell you I'll answer tomorrow or the day after, I am just too busy with school stuff right now to answer your properly, but I read all your answers, and... thank you so much!

Damn it, I could not find time to answer properly yet, I keep getting from one "bad moment" to another.

Anyway, just saying, if anyone wants to see the next "Therapy gallery" thing (from my blog):