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One intrusive thought. Happening all my life. What is this? ***Trigger Warning***

dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Hi everyone,

I just joined and am so grateful for everyone sharing their stories. I am posting today because I had a very unsettling experience happen during my session yesterday and I am not sure what it is and was wondering if anyone else has comments about this?

Quick background: I have been in therapy several times over the past 20 years. Finally, two years ago, I found a T who diagnosed me with complex PTSD from severe childhood psychological/physical/verbal abuse from mother and covert incest from both mother (more mild - if there is such a thing) and mainly father. I have severe memory loss and remember only vignettes of most of my childhood until I left to go to college, when my memory became more solid.

So, the reason I am posting today, is because of a very unsettling thought that I now realize has occasionaly come up for decades starting (that I know of) in my 20's up until yesterday in my session with my T.

*****Trigger Warning*******

I want to state that, at this time, I have NO memories of overt sexual abuse by anyone in my past. Other than some incidences where my dad touched me in an uncomfortable way on the knee or head or shoulder, I don't know of anything more intrusive happening to me. But, like I said I have very little memories of anything in my childhood.

The thought: So, this one very unsettling thought happens at times when I get into a isolated situation with another man. The man is always older than me and is in a position of authority/power. It could be a co-worker, boss, T, etc. The thought comes out of nowhere and is quite repulsive to me. I imagine that I get up and go sit on his lap in a sexual way. UGH. It's hard for me to even type that.

I never gave this thought any significance as something other than "That's annoying and weird and I am weird". I have always been able to dismiss it immediately. It is the ONLY thought like this I have ever had.

Yesterday in my session with my T (an older man) who I do have erotic transference for (we've talked about it and it is okay) this thought came up. I realized it has come up with him in previous sessions but in a very mild controllable way and I would just dismiss it. Yesterday, it came up and was so intense that I completely zoned out on what he was saying and I had the feeling I should get up and leave or might act on this. I felt like I might lose control and was absolutely terrified.

I don't know what this is. It is only ONE THOUGHT and it is me acting, not someone acting on me. I am very scared that I have something very wrong with me.

I am just starting to attach to my T in a strong way and this has brought up all my fears that if I tell him about this that he might abandon me. I need to know that he won't let me act out anything that would violate boundaries so that I would need to terminate.

If anyone has any thoughts on this I would appreciate it.

Thank so much for you help!! Just being able to type this helps.
DBS
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puppetpuppetMember
hi dpblusee,
nice to meet you!
i dont have a lot of time right now but i just wanted to say, that there definitely isnt anything wrong with you!
this recurring thought that you have might very well have to do with something that happened but you don't have a memory of, but somewhere in your body the memory of it was stored, and it might now try to come out as this thought. whether what happened is exactly as your thought or similar, maybe it doesnt matter so much. but it does sound very distressing and awful. and it doesnt matter that in your thought, it is you who do the action - thats probably because you havent fully realised that it WAS NOT your fault.
i woudln't worry that you would actually act on it, generally if you are aware of a thought, then you dont act on it.
i really dont think your T will abandon you because of this thought, again these are probably fears from your childhood. do you think you will be able to talk about it with your T?

i am pretty sure others will be able to explain things much more clearly.

i am sorry to hear you had such a terrible childhood and the effects you carry with you till today.

hugs,
puppet
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
Thanks so much for your responses. I really appreciate it.

XOXO - I did take your advice eventually! I wound up being so overwhelmed about this that I realized the only way to deal with it was to contact my T.

His interpretation of my thought was it was one of two things. He said the first possibility and the one he believes is the more likely in my case, is that because I had severe abuse and no attachment when I was little, that it is coming up as an adult as a form of transference (attraction). Because the feelings that the impulse generates are so emotional and elemental and primitive they are not related to conditions in the present but to conditions in my early childhood.

It is disturbing to me because now I am an adult so the transference is filtered through my now adult needs, so it comes across as a sexual impulse, rather than a need for parental comfort and nurturing, connection and physical touch from my attachment figure.

The other possibility that he thinks is less likely is that it is a repressed memory of something that happened to me that was inappropriate and when it happened it caused me great fear and confusion. He stressed that he doesn't feel that this is what is going on, but because the memory is causing me so much anguish and fear, it is something that he wanted to be sure to acknowledge.

Puppet: You had very insightful advice as you can see. My T suggested your thought about repressed memory. He also confirmed for me several times that there is nothing "wrong" with me.

As an additional note about this, my mother who is mentally ill, had no boundaries and couldn't control her impulses, so I was very scared that I was exhibiting a symptom that she had. That also contributed to my anguish about having this impulse. I was terrified my T would diagnose me with something right on the spot.

My T said that I am totally "normal" and this is all because of my trauma. He said it is coming up now because we have developed a healthy attachment and I am more conscious of my feelings and it is a part of the healing process from severe trauma.

I thought I would post an update because maybe it will help someone else who is struggling to understand their healing process.

Thanks so much.
DBS
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi DBS and welcome to the Board.

I didn't get a chance to respond earlier but I think you did exactly the right thing in contacting your T and talking it over.

I think both of your T's explanations were spot on and he sounds like a really good T. I especially like his understanding of and acceptance of the attachment that is necessary for you to heal the trauma. Trauma causes so much anguish even years later. I am really glad he normalized a lot of this for you.

I hope you decide to stay around and I look forward to getting to know you better.

TN
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
quote:
Originally posted by True North:
Hi DBS and welcome to the Board.

I didn't get a chance to respond earlier but I think you did exactly the right thing in contacting your T and talking it over.

I think both of your T's explanations were spot on and he sounds like a really good T. I especially like his understanding of and acceptance of the attachment that is necessary for you to heal the trauma. Trauma causes so much anguish even years later. I am really glad he normalized a lot of this for you.

I hope you decide to stay around and I look forward to getting to know you better.

TN


Hi TN,

Thanks for the reply. I am glad I was somehow able to push through my fear and contact my T. I do trust him. It is devastating how much pain trauma can cause for so many years. Sometimes I think it will never end, but I have made progress. When I start to see a light way in the distant tunnel, I feel grateful that I have finally found a path to true healing. Part of that healing is being able to reach out to others, so thanks for making me feel welcome here.

DBS
dpbluseedpbluseeMember
quote:
Originally posted by xoxo:
That's wonderful you were able to talk to him about this, DpBluSee.

I appreciate your sharing his answers too as I've had similar impulses with my therapist for several years now. It used to be wanting to grab him and hug him on the way out. We hug almost every session now, so now the impulse is wanting to kiss him on the cheek when we hug. Another is to hug him and pull him towards the couch to lean on his shoulder. I don't think we ever discussed these feelings; it never seemed 'abnormal' or like a big deal to me as we talk about my fantasies of being affectionate with him all the time.

I've had them for 3 years. Only mine arent disturbing to me and never caused me anguish (although i was also worried a few times i might act on them). Thats why I questioned the OCD as your thoughts about this are so intrusive to you. Sometimes people dont find out their intrusive thoughts are related to OCD until the first time they are in therapy. I am glad you do not have OCD-it is very difficult to treat and psychodynamic therapy is not indicated for that condition.

I am glad that you talked to him about this and
hopefully you can be more relaxed about this now.


I hope you will post more as you progress through therapy
and the relationship. Your background is similar to mine
in several ways. Let me know if I could
ever be of help to you.


Hi again XOXO,

For me the impulse was quite disturbing because I am finding out I am quite closed off in this arena (the giving affection arena!) It felt quite taboo for me. It is nice for me to hear your story. Your thoughts about your T sound very sweet. One other thing my T said to me about this is that given that this is likely arising out of a childhood need for love and attachment, going to sit on an adult's lap is what a child will reflexively do. It made total sense to me when he said it. That is what children do to give and receive love. Totally "normal"!

The good news about my situation is because it caused me so much fear is has lead to some new discoveries about myself, a lot of pain, but some healing too. I equate my healing process to peeling the layers of an onion. Sometimes it feels like my onion is really huge and has way too many layers!!

Thanks so much for the kind offer of support. I would be happy to help as well.

DBS

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