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8 replies

One tiny thing...

catalystcatalystMember
I'm honestly having a panic about this. I'm not completely stable today.

T and I have had the same post-session ritual forever. It goes: She gets up and checks her book at her desk about my next appointment as I put away my bear, fold the blanket (or hand it to her to fold if she isn't at her desk since she is particular), T then stands maybe 3ft away while I quickly put on my shoes and then I will hand her my cheque and give her a hug and open the door and leave or if I am paying with a card I will hug her, and then open the door and then we walk up front, run my card, hug again and she says goodbye.

I didn't know I knew how detailed this was. Anyway I don't know if I dissociated or something or did something wrong but while I was (and seriously guys I have rampantly bad anxiety, I get ready to go like the place is on fire - I'm like that everywhere, even preparing for work takes 15minutes max) folding up the throw blanket she opened the door... And was like., waiting for me. I went fast fast fast and T stood by the door and so I walked out then she walked out, I paid with my card and then quick hug and goodbye.

So I had to call and apologize if I took too long. I asked her not to call back and now can't ask her to call since I've changed my mind because she's unavailable now until tomorrow.

I am really out of sorts and quote shocked that I feel this way. I think because end of sessions haven't changed in... EVER so I dunno what is going on unconsciously but I need anxiety medication and am out.
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catalystcatalystMember
Thank you Jill Hug two

I can't describe the weirdness I feel and I'm so anxious and freaked out this morning. I have no clue how to navigate a safe ending with T.

I don't want to feel this dramatic, I know it's and over reaction but can't stop.

T did call me back last night and told me it was because we were out of time. We have gone over one time in four years and it was substantially over - I've since seen tons of ups, downs, suicidal crisis with her in my 50minutes. I have to check the exact time I walk out of my T's office because of my travel plans and nothing was off.

She said it was on her blah blah blah. I watch time as part of my trauma - I cannot wear a watch and waited forever for a cellphone because of how much I will obsess, and work myself up. I was severely punished for not being a time mind reader growing up, to the point of being chased and hit if I didn't know the exact second my parents may arrive home with groceries for me to carry in. It's just one of those roaring topics for me.

I'll probably delete this later, because it's too vulnerable for me to have sitting out here to be seen while I desperately don't want to be.
I incognitoMember
((Cat))

I can understand why you feel so anxious and freaked out. Any change to therapy or my T is deeply destabilizing to me. It sounds like you don't believe that she is right about you being out of time and you are scared that there is another reason that she changed the ending ritual. (forgive me if I am wrong but that is what it sounds like to me). I wanted to ask gently if you left T at the expected time after doing a shortened end then it sounds like you started the end later than usual (because if not you would have been out of her office earlier).

I think it is the T's job to watch the time and let you know if something has to be different (my T has started sessions by saying I am parked on a street where I have to move by the end of the session so I will be rushing out of the office after and there is no other reason for it. I hope you can leave this up because you deserve support in your feelings.
catalystcatalystMember
(( cogs)) it was definitely at the expected time, she appeared to be treating it as if it was extremely late and that was sort of her routine of she felt she was late. I've never had the ending change Frowner I felt shame as of if done something or had always been trying to push my session boundaries and I don't feel like I do that but it seems like I "must". Our end takes maybe 30 seconds? We titrate down naturally, it all felt normal until she opened the door all of a sudden Frowner this makes me worry I dissociated.

I don't know what it is about it that I'm not seeing reasonably. Let's say she had us run 20 minutes late or something... Ripping open the door, no hug which we've done three years every end of session... It's hard not to feel like I did something very wrong. I don't think T did it consciously.

She just called to check on me and I had to push her off the phone because I was at my desk so now I feel disrespectful. I just want to cry Frowner this is awful. I have a short phone session with her in 1hr so I picked up incase she had to cancel.

I just want the earth to swallow me.
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((Cat))) Unexplained changes in my normal routine freak me out and fill me with "what did I do?" shame, then I dissociate all over the place. T does hug and then open the door, but a few times he has walked to the door and opened it, and of course then I feel like I can't do the hug thing and like my being used to it and wanting things to be the same is some horrible thing. I'm betting it's just your T being distracted during the goodbye and not realizing she was doing things differently, more rushed. You've been primed to pick up on nuances regarding time and probably subtle changes in routine. I'm really sorry you had those sort of experiences. With me, there was just...a lot of chaos and no consistent expectations, so I made my own routines and get very attached to them and feel shame about them when they involve other people, so a change on their end can be terrifying even if it's meaningless from their point of view. Frowner I hope your phone session helps.

Hug two
catalystcatalystMember
Thanks Yaku Hug two I get the same feelings of shame and undeserving.

T and I talked on this for probably 20 minutes. We talked about relating the 'flashback' I was experiencing to stuff with my Mom and messages there. T again said she was just being unconscious and I know she ends that way with other people.

I asked what I can do next time so it's okay or what we can do. She stated for the 100th time I did nothing wrong and then said if she ever forgets again tell her I need my hug. I can do it in the future but not the first time.

T also added that she probably won't forget again... I sank just feeling awful and I don't know how to help things be less awkward for me Frowner but yea.., she related it to other processing I was doing, told me to eat so I can temper my anxiety, etc.

By the end of our call I felt better but am terrified about seeing her in person. I told her, and it's still true now, that I don't know how not to be triggered and let it be awkward.

I hate hate hate hate what a pain in the ass I am to myself,

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