Oh ((((TN)))))

I have no words that will make this better...but try to hold onto the idea, the image, that your dear NewT is your light. The place where you're at is still very dark, because OldT took you deep into the cavern of your own pain and then walked out on you. It will take, possibly quite a while, for NewT and you to make your way out of that revisited nightmare by the small, but powerful lantern you're using to light the path. We are talking about knowing God's will in church, and I know that God stuff can sometimes be "blah," but they were saying how the light He gives us is not a bright spotlight or a floodlight or something that will show us the whole path all at once. And if it were, it would likely be too overwhelming. It is like a single flame that just shows you the next step in front of you, the next safe foothold. That is the image I have in my mind right now of you and new T. You both have a hand holding a single candle together and its flickering flame is showing you just a couple feet in any direction. You are exploring that dark place inch-by-inch to see what it is and what it means. It is slow, because you can't make it out without discovering all the paths and seeing which one will lead you out. It is scary, because there is only one candle, and it seems like he might take it away and make his way out on his own...but he won't, TN. He really won't! I have to go as my babysitter fell through for my phone session, but I am really thinking of you!

((((((( TN )))))))

I am so sorry you are going through all these anniversaries now. And this just the first of many . Perhaps it would help a bit if you did keep posting about each and every one, like a countdown thread but in reverse. That’s me saying, please post as much as you need as often as you need as repetitively as you need.

And by the way, you are allowed to feel like giving up. This has all been SO difficult and beyond painful for you, I’m proud of you (if I can be so pushy as to say that ) that you’ve gotten this far and managed to stay not only functioning but working so hard at a new T relationship. It takes enormous energy to keep on fighting, so it’s no wonder you are tired and feel defeated...

You know lots of things struck me reading about your sadness and the way you feel even more sad because you can’t feel the same way about new T as you did for oldT. Made me think of meeting a new partner, who is solid, reliable, loving, caring, kind, sympathetic, even funny and bright, but just seems dull, uninspiring, unable to ignite strong feelings though undoubtedly deserving them - because you’ve had this wonderful and deeply emotional connection with someone previously, and that experience just can’t be matched. It’s like, the thing that’s missing with new T is, not sure if this is the right word but it keeps coming into my head, passion? That he’s competent even more than competent and is offering everything you theoretically would have wanted, but the spark of emotional connection just isn’t there. I suspect that in time you will become attached to new T in a completely different way from the way you felt about oldT, oh it just occurred to me that it’s like the difference between first love (exciting, wonderful, full of promise) and a more ‘mature’ love that seems to almost be like settling for security and safety over excitement and passion. I’m going a bit over the top here sorry, I’m struggling to describe how I see the difference in your feelings towards your two Ts.

The other thing that struck me suddenly, is that in reality oldT was two different people. The oldT that you loved and who gave you so much of what you needed to start healing and blossoming, he existed in reality. And then along came this other oldT who abandoned and rejected you, a person who was so alien and acting so out of character that he was effectively a totally different person. No wonder you’re having huge problems ‘getting over’ him, there’d be no consistency in your perceptions of this man.

And even though in hindsight it might be possible to say, well there must have been signs and red flags along the way, I’m thinking actually how the hell were you supposed to pick up on them, even if you knew to look for them? Any client would assume in the first place that their reactions to the way a T is behaving is something ‘wrong’ with the client (being too needy, too fearful, not honest enough etc etc), and that any negative stuff arising between T and client would be down to its being the inevitable bumps and ruptures and misattunements in any normal therapy, because unless you’re highly suspicious in the first place, why WOULD you be anticipating a T acting in such a thoroughly destructive way? And even if you were suspicious (fearful, past patterns etc) he very clearly did not act in any way that would have made you anticipate the sudden Jekyll and Hyde transformation that took place. So you’re having to deal emotionally with effectively two different people, yet paradoxically they are the same man. That’s more than crazy making.

So I’m saying all that because I get the sense that people (in real world at least) are pressuring you into having to have ‘gotten over’ what happened a year ago (or maybe you are pressuring yourself too?), and I’m wanting to say that you should feel free to take as long as it takes! What happened to you was a huge betrayal on many different levels, and I hate to think of you beating yourself up in ANY way for how you feel.

As for how you feel about new T, can I say that maybe you are pushing yourself too hard to experience secure attachment to him? I think I can understand why you need to feel more positive towards him (that itself might be a worthwhile thing to talk about in therapy?) but this is one of those bloody horrible ‘processes’ that sound really good in theory but are really painful and frustrating in reality. I know you know you need to give it all time, endless interminable time, but thought I’d remind you all the same.

Hang in there TN

LL

(((TN)))

I'm sorry you're suffering right now, and that this past year has been so painful. You didn't deserve any of what happened to you, and it's so sad that things so important as a therapeutic relationship can end up being so painful and traumatizing. I wish you hadn't had to go through what you have.

I can say that I don't see any signs of your T being tired of you, or feeling like he's stuck with you, etc. He seems to genuinely care about you, and feels a responsibility to help right the wrongs of your oldT by being the best T he can for you. I think it's a challenge he has accepted willingly and I don't see anything about your interactions that says he is getting tired of hearing about oldT or your pain from that. I think he understands perfectly how this has affected you, as much as he can without being in your head and heart to really feel those things for himself. He is such a blessing to you, and yeah, it's too bad he couldn't be the first T for you, so you wouldn't have to struggle so much with the old wounds your oldT left you with to try and heal from.

I know you feel empty. You're still so depressed at times, maybe all the time. Endings of such important relationships feel so painful, and the grieving process can sometimes take a long time. Please don't give up on yourself. You'll get there, TN. Look at how far you have come with this new T! I see some pretty darn amazing progress, and a wonderful therapeutic relationship with your T. You found yourself a 'winner', and I hope you continue to work within that relationship. I believe that as you do, you'll get to a point where the growth you are looking for, and the change, will all come to you. All in good time.

hugs,
MTF

Back to finish what I was going to say, which is that although you feel like that candle or light is your NewT's, I think what you will learn from him is that it was actually your flame all along and he has just been showing you how to trust it. I don't know...I guess that sounds corny, but that's what came into my head, so I'm going with it.

I am doing a little better tonight. I took my son out for ice cream and dh came too and we walked around our town which is very lively on Friday night. I was only able to do this because I sent my T an email this afternoon telling him how I was feeling and how much pain I was in. An hour later I got a lovely email back from him. He said that yes, it's a year,but it's ONLY a year and I'm having a normal anniversary reaction. He also remnded me that what happened to me was not a reflection of me but of oldT and his instability. He reassured me that we have established an excellent relationship, that I am now stronger and he has seen growth in me. He told me that I have met every challenge he has thrown at me which shows the real me. Then he told me "this summer will have a very different ending". And of course, added that he is around this weekend if I need to contact him again.

All of this made me feel like he wrapped me in a soft, warm blanket and made me a cup of tea! I know that sounds crazy but I feel he is so close and the light is there and I can see it again.

Yaku, I loved your talking about the light and how God provides that simple flame to light the way in small steps so my T and I can find our way out of this horrible darkness. One step at a time. And yes, my T would never walk away and leave me in this dark place. He really is committed to me (crazy guy that he is!). And maybe I have the light inside me but he needed to help me ignite it? IDK... but it is not corny at all. Very comforting. Thank you. I hope your phone session went well. I appreciate your response knowing how things have been so difficult for you.

Lampers.....Thank you for suggesting I write about the anniversaries. I think I will. I feel the need to mark them in some way and to talk about them again. Maybe I can process some of the trauma of those weeks now and put it away so that I can learn to live again. Your words are very wise and very insightful. I have struggled all along with trying to reconcile the sweet lovely T I had in the beginning of therapy. The one who gave me the stuffed dog, who told me I'm awesome, wonderful, a great writer, and an excellent mother. The one who offered me water, and snacks and peanuts. The one who would send me so many amazing quotes, who seemed to care so much for my child, the one who loved dogs and baseball and photography. Where did he go and how did he become so cold, detached and punitive and even cruel so quickly and w/o any reason I could identify. It was so confusing to me.

I agree with your comparison of the old and new love. Yes, there is no passion at this point with my T. he is good and solid and strong but lacking in that excitement factor which was oldT but which I know is not healthy, especially in a T. And I think you are correct in that there is no other love like a first love. My T has told me he understands that right now he is like my step-father when I am still yearning for my original father, even though he was cruel and unhealthy for me. He was still my first therapy Dad. That is so hard to let go of. A friend sent me a song by Brad Paisley called "The Dad he Didn't have to Be"... and it so reminds me of this relationship. My T does not have to be such a wonderful Dad but he choses to be that Dad to me. He wants to fill that role and Iknow it will just take some time to love him too. Maybe I do but it's too frightening to admit it. I love him in a more quiet, stable, steady way. He is so good to me. I know if I'm patient the feelings will come eventually. It's just that the attachment to oldT was SO fast and strong and immediate. I didn't even have to think about it. It was just there.

With my background his red flags would not seem unusual to me. And my experience with him was that we would disrupt and have such wonderful repair. Things would be SO good for awhile and then he would do something crazy again. But even then I figured that if I could just be good enough things would be okay.

MTF....thanks for your support. It means a lot. I appreciate all the good points you made about my relationship with my T. You are right, you know. but sometimes I can lose sight of the good stuff because the bad memories are so overwhelming to me. The grief can be so strong I can't see anything else and I'm glad you could point these things out to me. My T is angry with oldT and the damage he did to me. He understands how difficult it is to heal from therapist abuse. He has some clients for a decade so I don't think he is one to push a client out of the nest too soon. You are right in that I am blessed to have such a kind, smart, strong T to walk with me through the darkness.

Thanks again. I knew I would find comfort here.
TN

TN,

Your T is right, it is ONLY a year and this is the first anniversary which I've always heard (and experienced) as the hardest. I'm so glad that you emailed your T and he was so reassuring. That is lovely.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. (((Hugs)))

TN,

I'm sorry that this anniversary is so hard. I'm glad your T was so supportive in his email to you and that you feel so close to him. That is so wonderful. I hope you have a great 4th and are able to hold on to your T's warmth. ((((TN))))

TN, it will just keep getting better and better- I i know that at times it becomes impossible to believe, but it will. I'm so glad that your email with your T was able to help you feel better, and that he even said you could email him again if you need to.

(((((TN)))))

Love,

BB

TN, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you <3

I agree...this summer will end on a much better note for you, TN. You are in good hands now.

I cannot believe it has been a year already. How far you have come!

Thanks so much STRM, Beebs, FOT, Ninn and LG for your support. Just to be clear ... July 1st was the beginning of the end.... not the day he actually abandoned me, although he did abandon me in an emotional and therepeutic sense. He would never after that day do therapy with me. I tried. I really tried. I brought things in, I wrote him a letter expressing my confidence in him and our relationship to finish what I started in therapy, I read to him from books. I tried everything I could think of to save us. He never showed any emotion towards me again, except for anger and distain. I never understood why he was so so angry with me and punishing. I didn't understand what I did wrong and it was maddening to go in circles.

No matter what I did he was angry and that made me cry and I would cry a lot and he would just get more angry.

It's sometimes hard to believe it was a year ago now. So much has happened to me. So much pain. I've been dealing with intrusive images and little flashbacks to that day and I can feel the fear all over again. I see us sitting there talking and it's hard to erase the images. I wish I had found a consult T to help me or to help us both deal with his in a less harmful way.

I am blessed to have my current T. He cares about me and wants to help me recover. I feel an affection and respect for him. That is all. I guess it will have to be enough. I said to oldT when I left one of those awful sessions that followed the July 1st one... that I NEVER want to feel this way about another human being ever for the rest of my life. So far I've been able to hold to that.

FOT... I understood what you were saying. That has been the hardest part. To separate out what I contributed to the relationship and my T says that is me and my work and I get to keep it. Problem is.... I don't want it. I don't want any part of the me I became with oldT because it's still too damn painful to go there. So I reject all the good that came from our relationship which confuses me to the point that I don't know who I am any longer. Even school has lost it's meaning to me. I will finish because I invested time and money but the end result has little meaning. Maybe that will change one day but oldT was such an enormous part of that challenge I took on that once again... it hurts to even think about it.

I hope everyone has a nice July 4th weekend (if you are celebrating it) if not just a happy Sunday to everyone.

Hugs
TN