47 minutes now. I'm accepting hugs if anyone is offering.

Late hugs Sorry!

Hope it worked out??

session should be free IMO. there's no making up for the emotional cost of T negligence, but if you still want the session, it should be free

(((HIC))) I'm so sorry! That is really sucky

to you.

So what happened hic? You have me in suspense.

Seriously, sending

No one should be treated like that by a T. That is just inconsiderate and irresponsible. I think you should let her have it with both barrels blazing.

More hugs
TN

Thanks for the hugs, my friends. T called at the end of the hour. She sounded nervous and was talking really fast. I think she wanted to get off the phone before I had a chance to protest or fuss at her. She said she apologized for calling me late, but that the client before me was having a crisis. Anyway, then we scheduled a session for later today. I don't really feel like talking with her, but I probably will.

Whenever this happens, I go through the same cycle of anxiety followed by hurt, then a kind of freezing over and indifference to T that can last some weeks before it thaws. Repetition (and maybe a kind of growing trust of T's consistency within inconsistency) makes this cycle less intense and catastrophic than it used to be-- but I still go through it.

Right now I'm feeling pretty indifferent.

Haha, thanks RT. And thanks for the hugs, draggers.

Here is what is up. When T scheduled my session yesterday it was in such a rush that I didn't have time to think if I would be able to drive into the office for it. She just said, "Okay, I'll call you then" and got off the phone.

Today I decided I'd like to drive in and I called her (twice) to see if that was okay and if she'd be there. I could have called the receptionist, but yesterday the receptionist was part of the unfortunate "no show"-- because I called her and she said she'd give my message to T in a few minutes, and T told me later that she didn't know I called until more than an hour afterward.

So. I didn't want to go that route again.

Well, I got a call back. . . from the receptionist. She said she was returning my call. That would be my call to T. That means, I called my T's cell phone, and she told someone else and had that someone else call me back.

Not a huge deal in this case, because it was something the receptionist could handle, but-- it could have been anything. I could have been calling in crisis. Being called back by the receptionist under those circumstances would have felt really off.

It's one thing to ignore my calls. I know she's busy and has to sometimes, but this. . . feels like a breach of confidentiality. Does anyone else see that?

If she had time to tell her receptionist to call me, surely she had time to call me herself, at least very briefly. I'm thinking she's trying to send me a message-- "don't bother me, hic, call the office number".

Well, I would have called the office number if it wasn't for what happened yesterday!

Part of me feels betrayed and stung by all this, but there's another part of me that really just doesn't care and is okay moving on without addressing things. I don't know if that's my stronger better self or just the passive people pleaser me.

Probably. . . I'm going to let this go, but I'm not sure, my session is in three hours.

I would welcome input from anyone but please if you post be gentle cuz I do feel a little precarious.

Hi hic... sorry you are facing such upheaval. I think this is VERY important to address and not be swept under the rug (which it sounds like your T would prefer to do). Her inconsistency is a huge problem and I do think she is irresponsible at times. It's not like this is the first time it has happened. You cannot attach to someone who is unstable, especially if you decide to do deeper more serious work together.

As for the breach of confidentiality... it depends on what her Informed Consent paperwork spells out. This along with the HIPAA form that you should have signed tells you who will have access to your personal information and who is allowed to know you called and who is allowed to return calls and to what telephone number.

I have never worked with a T who had "staff" such as receptionists or secretaries. I, personally, would find this very difficult. Having a go between person would annoy me and I would want direct access to my T.

Did you sign HIPAA forms and Informed Consent?

I think you need to have a talk with T. Your feelings need to be heard and validated because they are very valid. I know this is not easy but you are certainly within your rights to tell her how her behavior caused you to feel. You can't tell her what to do but you can tell her your feelings about how she behaves. It's grist for the mill.

Good luck
TN

Okay, so she was forty minutes late today. She said there was a misunderstanding. Maybe so. But I was so keyed up by that point. I flipped out and then I quit. Wow.

(((HIC)))

Wow indeed. I can’t believe your T would be so late today given her mess-up yesterday. I totally understand you finally getting fed up enough to quit.

Was your T apologetic at all? How are you feeling? How did your T react to you quitting?

She is unbelievable. I would not be handling this at all well.

I don't even have words, HIC. ((hug)) I'm so sorry.

gosh ((HIC)) that is truly pretty terrible. How are you doing? What did she say when you told her you quit? What a crappy experience.

I think my quitting was more theatrical than literal.

I was really ranting yesterday. I informed her that she was killing me, that this was awful, that I was going to die. She wanted to know what was wrong. I started with the receptionist thing because that was what hurt the most. I said, “Don’t you see that this was a horrible, horrible breach of confidentiality? I called your cell phone and you had someone else call me back!”

She replied testily that it was *not* a breach of confidentiality, because “Jenny” is on her staff.

I said, “Fine. Whatever. Today it’s Jenny, tomorrow it will be your husband or daughter or your neighbor across the street. It doesn’t matter.”

Then we got onto the business of being late. I told her that I spend all my free time these days waiting on phone calls from her. I said it was difficult for me to arrange an hour when I could be free from the kids, that is something that very rarely happens, and now the last two times were wasted because of her.

T was not exactly apologetic. She kept saying she was confused? And her confusion seemed genuine, which is the crazy thing to me. I think she just doesn’t get that this stuff bothers me, or why it bothers me, even though I’ve told her in less dramatic ways before.

Granted, I was a bit over the top. I was on the brink of hysteria by the time we spoke. She wasn’t terrible in response, but she wasn’t great either. It’s like she was trying to connect, in a way, but she wasn’t making contact with the hurt behind my anger. If she could have done that, I would have calmed down quickly enough and we could probably have had a productive time. As it was, every statement she made that tried to reach me and failed just made me feel more frenzied.

Meanwhile, she was becoming increasingly irritated and a bit cold. The session was going nowhere, but the energy was such that it was flying apart rather than falling apart, although I think neither of us exactly wanted that to happen.

Then she said rather flatly, “So. . . you feel I abandoned you or that I ignored you.”
Me: I think you are just busy. (I made it sound like an accusation.)
T: Well, I am busy. I’ve had clients back to back, I had to pick up my child from camp, I didn’t get your message. . . it’s just one of those days.
Me: Well, maybe you should rest now.
T (sigh): Okay. Do you want to reschedule?
Me: No. I’m done.
T (coldly): Well, I am very sorry that you would make a decision like that at a time like this. I have enjoyed working with you. If you reconsider and would like to try again you can give me a call.
Me: Bye.

Me being me, I emailed later that evening and apologized. T wrote back and said, “Thank you. It’s OK. Take care!” I wrote her back this morning and said I’d like to come in for my session as usual Monday if it was still okay. She hasn’t replied to that one yet, but I’m pretty sure it will be fine.

I feel a little bad, because all I was really doing was blowing off steam rather than collectedly addressing things. On the other hand, it can feel really good to blow off some steam! And this had been building.

I wish somehow we could have connected and she could have helped me process better. No disrespect to T, but I’m not sure she can help with processing rage very well. She is not like the T’s I read about here that are all happy when their clients get angry. . . she tends to be more bristly or cold in response.

However, *I* did not want to waste this opportunity for emotional processing, so I forced myself to journal for pages and pages last night, just letting the writing take me where it would, until I was in tears and writing about how much I missed my grandma. I have to think of that as in some way valuable. Maybe the benefit of therapy is all in how you make use of it, even when it’s imperfect.

This all still feels pretty raw, but I’m hitting post anyway.

P.S. Thank you everybody for the hugs and kind words. It means a lot.

You said that T was not exactly apologetic. That would hurt. She basically stood you up. I feel she should not commit to things she can not honor.

Along with talking to her about your Grandma and the feelings that arose perhaps you guys can problem solve on the phone calls because it's not fair to make you wait like that when you have so many things to do otherwise. Your time is not less valuable than her time.

My T gets bristl-y when I get angry too. She is not all happy when I get pissed off. lol.

I know this is late but here's a big hug

(((((((HIC))))))))

Thanks for the big hug, turtle. Back at ya'.

Of course now I'm a little worried that I'm terminated. H has been doing some gardening lately. Several weeks ago he built some garden boxes in the backyard and planted irises and lilies. Last night I dreamed they were all uprooted and lying in a heap at the bottom of the back porch stairs in the rain.

I don't think I've *really* uprooted myself from therapy, though. . . I hope not.

Congrats on your HIC.

You both survived.


"I informed her that she was killing me, that this was awful, that I was going to die."

Pre venting anger can make us feel that way.


"I would have calmed down quickly enough and we could probably have had a productive time it."

Sometimes we get that angry and dont care about the consequences.


"Whenever this happens, I go through the same cycle of anxiety followed by hurt, then a kind of freezing over and indifference to T "


Keep it flowing.

Hi muff,

Well, thanks for the positive spin on things. It's possible some of your posts over the last few weeks have had a subliminal effect on me that might have helped prompt this into surfacing with T. . . you know how it is around here, we are all connected, for better or for worse.

Idk, it will be interesting to see how Monday goes. I feel a bit sheepish. T did write me back to say it was okay to come, and she was actually very sweet and encouraging in her email, I thought. I'm not sure why she is being so nice to me. Does she feel bad for not having empathized more yesterday? Is she worried about me? Is she just a "nice" person? And round it goes. Hopefully I am actually going somewhere with this therapy. I think I am, I think I am. . .

Likes.

quote:

To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work

She accepted your anger HIC. That builds more trust. There is safety in trust, to be.

wow ((HIC)), that sounds so so painful! it sounds like you handled it really well and told her exactly how she made you feel! well done!
i just worry that even if you will work this one out, what happens next time? is there something you can work out with her so that it wont happen (unrealistic?) - or so that it will be easier for you next time it happens? you dont deserve this and she should be looking at ways to minimize this!

i'm sorry you have to deal with this, therapy is hard enough...

puppet

Muff,
Yes. . . I suppose she did. She's a good egg, really. This will all shake out, methinks.

puppet,
Oh, I can almost guarantee you it will happen again. In the two plus years I've worked with T, there have been frequent cancellations (last minute), times she has been very significantly late, and several complete no shows. From what I've gathered around here, she does this much more often and much more casually than most Ts. She always "apologizes" but more in the sense that she is going through a form or humoring me than that she is genuinely recognizing wrong doing on her part. I don't need her to grovel, or anything, but it's like she just doesn't get it and I wish I had some sign that she did.

Other people have to struggle with boundaries with their Ts that I don't. She has a generous out of session contact policy. We email and talk on the phone when necessary. She's not blank slate-y, she'll do the touch thing, she extends sessions if we're in the middle of something deep or triggering, etc.

It just seems like her "boundary" is maintaining the right to be flaky about her schedule. I've told myself this is just the price I have to pay if I want to work with her (I realize for some it would be a deal breaker, for me it's not because I really like my T) and that I can accept this. It's not so easy, though. I can't just tell myself this is how she is and stop myself from getting triggered, stressed, and hurt every time it happens. And this last time, I couldn't stop myself from getting frantic. I mean I could have suppressed it, but the emotional hit is still there.

I realize there is something a little irrational about this. I mean, my doctor and my dentist are routinely very late and I never care. Who does? What do I really think will happen if T is late or skips a session? Do I think that she's died, that I've died, that the sky has fallen in? It feels that way, which is a little crazy, maybe?

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. I think it's that-- I've tried telling myself, "It's okay, she's like this, I can deal" but now I feel it would be more productive to adopt the stance of "This is how she is, and it kicks up all this shit ('scuse my French) for me, and I'm going to take the opportunity to work through it."

Hopefully that will work better. I'm not sure yet how much I'll be able to work through it with *her* (when she triggers me, that is, I can work through lots of other things with her) or if it will have to be more stuff I do on my own in my journal or on here. That has yet to be explored.

She was so gracious in her last email. I have the feeling she has something up her sleeve. Maybe she actually does feel bad, on reflection, for having the receptionist call me back when I had tried to call *her*. I don't think she should have started something like that without letting me know, especially after not showing up the day before. But maybe she really just wasn't thinking.

Thanks for the empathic words and giving me another opportunity to ramble.

We are not emotionally dependent on our dentist and GP. Therefore, T's rejection ( perceived or real) triggers our repressed anger.

"Whenever this happens, I go through the same cycle of anxiety followed by hurt, then a kind of freezing over and indifference to T "



That cycle *is* therapy to me.