TAS- that sounds really scary and painful. Thinking that he was going to smother you must have been really traumatic. Were you able to communicate this to him? If so, I hope he was able to understand what was going on for you.

As for having trouble opening up in therapy, yes...I definitely struggle with this. For me, I think this has to do with my shame. I have a sense of profound shame that stifles me and freezes me. I also tell myself that my T is "safe" and trustworthy. On an intellectual level, I do get this. I've been seeing her for more than 3 years and she has been nothing but professional and caring. But emotionally, I just can't seem to really get this and believe it. I struggle with opening up almost every session. Even talking about mostly benign things brings up my shame. I think for me it comes down to being seen, period. Whatever I'm talking about, I'm being seen in a more emotionally intimate way than I've ever been seen...and because of that, I can't let myself freely express my thoughts.

I don't know if my experience has been helpful or useful to you in any way. I do just want to say that I can fully relate to what you're saying though. Perhaps it's for different reasons but the struggle is so hard I've too been thinking about taking a break or something, just so I can get some space from the shame and constant struggle every week.

Do you tell your T how much you are struggling to open up? What does he say? Has he offered any ways that could help you feel more comfortable?

Hi (((TAS)))

Gosh, talk about traumatic! I'm so sorry you experienced that terror in session. I hope it was an opportunity for you to touch and talk about the history behind those responses.

Just for my own knowledge/understanding, I'm wondering if this is the same T you were struggling so badly with last summer/fall. Since I was away from the forum for a few months, I've lost track of your story.

Yes, I used to have a hard time opening up. And since one of my classic defense mechanisms was to not talk, I spent a lot of time sitting in silence. Inside, I was torn up and so frustrated/upset/angry that I couldn't/wouldn't express myself verbally. So I do understand.

Now, I feel like I am moving forward in a different way in that I have a new T (four months) and I've promised myself that I am not going to let "shit" accumulate between us. So when I experience something between us that is an issue, I bring it up right away. I know that if I mull it over and think about it, I will never talk about it. It's sort of like just jumping in the pool instead of easing in because the water is cold. It works, but you just have to do it. And each time I do this, it provides an opportunity for me to connect with my inner child and the way in which she felt slighted or ignored or mistreated, etc.

We are stuck with our feelings, whether we try to minimize them or not.

Hugs,
-RT

SP, Erica, and RT: Thank you for replying. I have been feeling rather low. I apologize for the delay in replying.

SP: I think the only way I am going to get past this is to find a way to talk about it but I am truly petrified. I don't know if it is because I am scared he will judge me, or if I am scared to open up and be vulnerable. Either way, I don't like feeling this way. When I am this scared I freeze.

Erica: I totally understand the part about freezing. He did mention shame this past session and I was having trouble staying in the room. I am sure there is some of that mixed in as well. I haven't told him because I am so scared to tell him anything which has to do with him. I guess it is unfair for me to think he can help me with this if I do not open up about it.

RT: The thing is, I could barely talk when it happened. I know you are right about jumping in vs easing in. We are stuck with our feelings, very true.

Thank you each for the encouragement and the support.

All the best,
T.

Tas, I sure do feel where you are. I've been in therapy awhile and faced the shame and fear issues. Several things have helped me get over the hump. One is to remember it's the inner child in you that has the feelings. It saves face, and saves feeling shame, to realize that. Another thing I did was imagine myself in front of T, admitting and saying the embarrassing stuff. The practice helps desensitize the words. I hope you're going to stay with it in therapy, it's worth all the struggle.

Hey TAS, just wanted to chime in that I do really struggle with opening up too. I have this really rather overdeveloped protective mechanism that leaps in and prevents me talking about stuff that might make me vulnerable. I spend a lot of time wrestling with it, not just in therapy but in social relationships too. It's like I get strong-armed into a corner by a bit of my own psyche and then I can't get it out.

Sometimes if I cannot get it out that session, I'll wait, write about it, talk myself through it and then spit it out in the next session. Sometimes that has worked, although I've practically hyperventilated my way through the telling.

It's a very difficult place to be. I'm sorry you struggle too.

Yeah. Me too. Often just never get there in terms of opening up in a session. Last session I had I didn't open up... but I cried and cried afterwards (alone) for some reason. I wish I could - I try so hard. And then it is time to go.

sb

hi TAS and eveyone,
i can relate so much too! i have no words of wisdom, its just so hard, it's so dangerously hardwired into my brain that i shouldnt open up, that i find it physically impossible to do it, i open my mouth and nothing comes out. when it gets that hard, what i find is that its best not to force it and try to look at why i cant speak. and if i can talk about that (the why, or even just acknowledge that i can't say something), then that would be an achievement in itself. it doesnt always work though.

i have managed recently to tell her that fear and shame is what prevents me from talking a lot of the time, slightly indirectly as i was petrified. i thought it would get easier after that, but not really, in fact it's been worse recently.

sorry i made it all about me, but wanted to say i can relate. TAS, you say that you sometimes write him letters? are you able to open up more in those letters and does he welcome that?

i hope it gets easier eventually.

puppet

As you can see, you are not alone. Most everyone has trouble with opening up. It is scary stuff and therapy is a very slow process. It will transform your life if you stick with it. My t says I have a switch on me somewhere. Continue to "show up" and not space the sessions out. The alliance will grow in it's own time. Everyone is different. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. I have huge abandonment issues and the anxiety too. I used to get sick before a session and tremble and shake for the first 25 minutes in his office. Last lasted about a year.Door closed....a man. Try and look at the feelings from an observing ego. It really can help you to better understand what may be going on. When I get totally silent in session, something is up. I just have to figure out what and it eventually comes to mind.Usually happens when I know he is going away. I get really mad, upset and cry because the inner child is being "left" once again. Speak about all of this with your T.