Thank you DF, and BG. The thing is, that I *know* I do a bit better during times that I am able to stop the drink. But I always go back to it. I can't figure out why I do it when it is so self-destructive. BG, DF, how did you make the decision to stop the behavior- and stick with it? It strikes me as like it feels to be on a really strict diet, like fasting every day- for life! Why is it more than willpower? That is what I am talking about- I have this sense that something big needs to happen *inside* of me before I will be able to *ever* make a decision to do something good, make positive changes in my life, and stick with them. But I don't know what that *something* is...can I create it? Once in great awhile I wake up and feel like I'm just *not* in pain- for whatever reason, it lifts every once in great awhile...it's a strange unsettling feeling whenever it happens- lately it is extremely rare.I've had that all my life, since a small child. Occasional "good" days where I just feel like- "gosh if I could only live like *this* then everything would be ok. This must be what normal people feel like, and that's why they are able to accomplish so much." I used to *live for those days, just wait for them, and be so relieved when they happened, when I was younger. Lately I don't even *like* them anymore, because I know that they will go like a puff of smoke.

But I think that if I could do whatever it was that created *that* then I would also be able to make a decision to stop drinking. Or- drinking wouldn't even be a problem in the first place.
Maybe my depression really is just a bio-chemical genetic thingy, despite what my T said- and there is no underlying psychological pain, and I am just making all that other "I've been hard done by" stuff up. this isn't like denial- I am *really* wondering if it's true. The only sibling in my family I was close to has rejected me for not subscribing to the "it's just genetic" thingy. I don't know what to believe anymore.

Oh, no- my question was to you too, DF, in fact I was thinking about the food thing as was writing it, and was going back to edit and put your name in too!
So what you are saying is, the goal isn't to mask the pain with something else but learn to be able to tolerate it...but- I'm a weakling..I feel like I have to somehow lift this huge 200 pound weight when I literally only have the muscle for, like- a one pound weight. It takes so long to make any headway like that and by the time I do make a little I've pretty much given up in despair again, because by then the feelings are getting pretty intolerable again. you know how when people get stuck in the snow or mud, and they keep revving their engine and revving and trying to get over that hump, but they keep just digging in deeper..eventually they need to literally find something bigger like a tractor to *pull* the vehicle out of the hole they've created. I kinda feel like that. T was supposed to be my tractor, but...he just wasn't very tractor-ish.

I'm trying to think what I mean...do I mean that I wanted my T to "do it for me?" That is what he would say...
I think I wanted him to be a much stronger *encouragement* to me. To really push me, instead of sitting there being like, oh, you are in pain, and I care about that, and stuff like that. Some of that was good- but- Does that make sense? I wanted him to say things really directly to me. To tell me "BB, I *know* this is hard, but you simply need to do this for yourself and for your family. I am going to hold you accountable for the changes you want to make. I'll be checking in with you *every* session on how much you have been drinking and whether you were taking your pills or not." He was never consistent, he just didn't care enough to track my progress and keep track of what was going on for me. Even when I *told* him that I specifically wanted him to kick my butt. To care enough about me to keep track of me, and check back with me on stuff. Was I expecting too much? We always got off onto these philosophical tangents about what his care meant, and stuff like that...or why I couldn't ask for what I need...or why I couldn't open up to him and trust him...meanwhile, the basics were not even in place. I'm really trying to figure out why my therapy failed. I know T thinks it is my fault.

Thanks honey bun!

Thank you for the encouragement BG...

I am thinking about the possibility of finding another therapist.

hug,

BB

Thanks BG. It is hard to overcome fear and try, just to talk reasonably and ask questions. I'm so afraid of failing at that, and getting a crummy T. Plus I just miss my T. I really kinda think he was it. I'm really missing him today. I hurt...I just hurt. I really really miss him. And I know I shouldn't but I do.

BB - I do not think it is wrong for you to miss your T. I also do not believe he "was it" or the only one who can help you. I absolutely have no idea what therapy is supposed to look like or do or how to do it, but I do believe you will be able to find someone with whom you can work in a positive fashion. Try to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to grieve your loss with T. It is an important step not to try to sidestep or ignore. (I fully understand input from me on these sorts of topics may seem far-fetched).

Not at all far-fetched, stoppers! Thank you!