Sorry Shaman, I really feel your distress with this issue. If this happened to me I would be badly affected and it would really impact on me in a bad way. i can understand why you wanted to connect and I thought what you did was normal and a great thing. Sorry that your T was brusque in her reply.

I couldn't do what you did because in my marriage - I want my T for me. Many yrs ago my H did go to a session or two with my T and I but that was more about parenting issue and not our issues - so i didn't feel threatened. I also didn't have an attachment to T then. Now however, I am have a deep attachment to T and I don't want him there ever. I know that my T would be "on my side" if he was there, but there would always be a risk in my mind that t might take 'his side'.

that is how I read your post, that T is trying to remain impartial because she has seen both of you and can't show more support to one over the other. By being impartial - her reply to you seems a bit harsh.

I wouldn't be able to cope with that. Do you think I have made the right assumption in my reply - because I may well have read it wrong because of its triggery nature to me.

Somedays

Hey SD,

I know she's not taking sides. She's a really great T, you know. And I know I'm feeling ridiculously jealous and so on...
And of course things went the way they went: my wife talking a lot, which I am sincerely happy about, but which only presented one side of the story. So T responded to what she heard, not to what she didn’t hear. That’s more or less what happened, and I do understand but still feel hurt. Because T knows my stuff and how I’ve always put everybody else needs above mine, how I’m constantly scanning everybody around me to satisfy their needs, to try and be as lovable as I can. And she knows I’m working hard to reach inside, to know who I am and what I need.

Anyway, I just couldn’t handle the pressure and sent her a second text: “Damn, (her name), as if I don’t know that! I just feel seriously uncontained since Tuesday and wanted something to hold on to. Now I have the feeling that I shouldn’t even ask on top of that . This is a shitty sort of dependence”.
I sort of lifted some of the pressure. Pfff.

Hi Shaman,

I hear you on the 'ouch'.

I think if I was entering couple's therapy I would find it extremely difficult to do it with a T I'd already built a relationship with. I can see how the session could have felt really unsettling. Seeing someone you have built a trusting bond with, empathise and pay mindful attention to someone you also have a bond with, but with whom you have also experienced an awful lot of pain. I'm not sure how I would even begin to process that. Wanting to reconnect with your T really seems like a normal response to that kind of emotional intensity and I really feel your hurt.

One of the things that I have found difficult to get my head around is asking for what I need from my T. When I read the wording of your text, it wasn't immediately clear to me what you needed from her in that moment. I got that you needed to feel reconnected but I wasn't sure what form that needed to take - of if the act of sending her a text alone was helping you feel reconnected in of itself.

Unfortunately our Ts aren't possessed of any inner knowing so we need to spell it out for them that we need a specific response. I wish it wasn't so! So it could be that you did run into boundaries, but it could also be that your T didn't 'hear' that you needed specific reassurance of your connection to her. It is possible that because you didn't specifically ask her to reassure you and that you said that you would tell her all about it on Tuesday that she responded by saying that she would listen with heart to you on Tuesday, thinking that level of response was sufficient. She didn't have the context of your inner turmoil to inform how she responded to you. I didn't necessarily see her reply as a rebuff, although I can definitely see how it could be interpreted that way if you are feeling raw and uncertain about your connection.

I feel I need to be really clear that this reply is in no way intended to be blaming. Trying to communicate our needs is a big minefield, especially for those of us that spent out lives in a state of hyper-vigilance orientated towards meeting others needs instead of our own. I spent years getting angry with Mr Mallard because when I said stuff like "I'm feeling low" he would not respond with a hug or reassuring words when that is something I would do, probably because I am pre-programmed to try and make it better for others. It felt weird and alien to say "I'm feeling low, I really need a hug and for you to tell me you care." I think the same can hold true for the relationship we have with our Ts.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Oh how I love this place and all you beautifull people in it!
It's just so goooood to be understood without always having to spell it out
I know my text was open to interpretation, I really have to get my act together on this communication thing - which I usually am very good at, just when it comes to my needs
Actually the idea of a session for the two of us was brought up months ago by T herself, because she likes meeting the partners of her clients to get a feel of them. Circumstances kept putting it off and then I brought it up recently and arranged it. My wife has a lot of trouble (envy mostly, which she wholeheartedly admitted in the session, cow ) with me making progress in therapy and it has become one of her favourite things to throw at me when we're fighting. I thought meeting my T would be helpful (and it has been too) and would help her to take steps to finding a T of her own - she rrrrealllly needs it. That's more or less the context of it.
Anyway, my second text and your beautiful replies have helped to release some pressure. I'm off home now, to the welcome distraction of my kids and early bedtime - I'm starting T-school tomorrow!
But Mallard, before I go to bed, I'll be taking the time to reply to your post about care. I really get what you're saying.

Hey Shaman, just wanted to say before I forget a big good luck! I really hope it goes well this weekend. Coincidently I am also off for my monthly dose of education for a full weekend. I will be thinking of you from my classroom.

Hi Shaman, Are you and your wife going to continue to see T. together? If so, that is a very difficult role for your T. to take on. Once an individual is connected and established to the t. and vice versa, it is very, very difficult to be impartial to both the people now sitting on the couch.

Hi Shaman ~ When my husband and I went to marital therapy he got all upset and walked out. We're not doing that again ! The T. acted as if everything was cool. I never went back. The therapeutic bond was broken. Hopefully, your T. will be reassuring the next time you see her. I see my own personal T.- just works out better.