Yaku,
Sounds like you are really having a rough day. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry your T hasn't responded to your text also. Waiting is awful and our imaginations go into overdrive with thoughts of how much of a burden we are, and how they must not really care. He does care, Yaku and will get back to you when he is able.

I hate to say this....but..could you put a movie in for "Boo" and cuddle up under a blanket together so you can at least rest and maybe even doze off a bit? I know we tend to feel guilty about putting our kids in front of the TV, but sometimes you need to.

Please try to be gentle with yourself!! I am hoping you get some relief from the pain soon. Thinking of you, Yaku
seablue

Yaku, I'm wondering if your T is familiar with the concept of titration? This is something that perhaps you could talk about with him.
http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=90

I'm concerned that right now you are up against material that is so deeply disturbing to you, whatever happened, and your T is perhaps not doing enough to slow down and contain your processing of the material. Bringing it up late in a phone session, encouraging you to email and text the material.

This seems to mean that you are in therapy *all the time*, without time to step away, draw on your protective measures, recharge and get ready for the next piece. When you are in the room the T ideally has a chance to manage the process so that you ease into difficult material, and get contained and safe again afterwards. That's not really possible if you are processing hard-core stuff by phone, text and email. Seems to me that doing it this way would leave you feeling activated, exhausted and confused all the time as your system constantly tries to override its own natural defenses.

Hoping you can talk about this with him.

Take care,
Jones

Monte - Thanks for the reminder of my T's care. I am kind of forgetting it with him not replying.

Seablue - "Boo" was in her crib, just stripping and jumping up and down and playing excitedly. It was her "down" time that she still gets when she won't nap. I'm just not able to rest through it, unfortunately. Thanks for the reminder to be gentle!!!

Jones - I see what you're saying. In this case, he did bring it up kind of thoughtlessly near the end (he did the same thing on Monday with another topic, but those instances are rather the exception than the rule. But, T has been specifically asking and suggesting ways to slow processing (giving me other homework assignments to focus on, requesting I try to journal slightly less often, etc.) and I don't seem capable of doing it. I think his suggesting texts and emails is him knowing that I definitely will have things popping up and encouraging me to keep touch with him. I have told him over and over that I don't seem to be able to turn off, and despite his suggesting ways to do it, I haven't found one that works for me, really. T also knows that I would feel guilty and like I was overreacting for texting him if it sent me into a spiral, so his saying that sounded very much to me like a reminder, "I am here. You are not a burden. It is totally OK to touch base when you need support." The only thing I'm upset with T about is saying he would probably be able to reply back and he didn't in response to a very specific question I felt I needed an answer on. Oh well, I'll get over it. So, I am really feeling like you are right...but T and I are both at a loss for how to make me stop. I am not consciously pushing, but I am feeling pushed all the time by what surfaces. It's like when I was in school and even though I procrastinated on essays, I would be unconsciously writing them in my head and thinking about them all the time, even when I didn't want to be. Then, I could write the whole thing in a few hours from start to finish and get an A. Nice skill to have for school. Annoying as hell in therapy!

quote:

It's like when I was in school and even though I procrastinated on essays, I would be unconsciously writing them in my head and thinking about them all the time, even when I didn't want to be. Then, I could write the whole thing in a few hours from start to finish and get an A. Nice skill to have for school. Annoying as hell in therapy!

Yup. Yup on all accounts.

I've been feeling really ungrounded all week as well. I actually researched weighted blankets (something that is used with kids with sensory challenges) as I feel like I need to be weighted down physically so I can get back into my body.

Sorry Boo didn't nap (love that nick-name!) and I hope you found some way to take care of you!

(((Yaku)))

Thanks, R2G. Feeling slightly less lame for not being able to turn my dang brain off.

We have called my daughter Boo from almost birth. Or sometimes Boo-Bear. Funny thing is, she looks a LOT like Boo from Monster's Inc. when I put pigtails on her.

My head is still throbbing a bit, but not as bad as it was a few hours ago. The worst is just feeling almost decapitated, with the sensations in my head being so strong and the muted feeling in the rest of my body making me feel almost numb and weightless...

DF - Thanks for the empathy and suggestions. I texted him a message that I'm OK now (which is kind of true, because H is home and I definitely won't be stupid with him around), because I didn't want to do the "waiting" thing and now I can stop wanting an answer and just move on with my life...if these physical symptoms will go away. I think I want to ask T if we can just focus on one thing for as long as it takes to "finish" it. I wonder if I should choose this time period from my childhood with Ken that keeps coming up or something "easier." I can't think of what else to work on, though. And, it might not be feasible to keep myself from switching gears all the time, either. I don't know...

Yaku I hope things have calmed down a bit for you and the bad feelings have lessened. Do you find that this happens more often during phone sessions or in person sessions? I wonder if it's more difficult for your T to contain you during phone sessions without the in person contact.

I also agree with everything Jones wrote above (she is one smart cookie). Sometimes you just need a break from therapy and digging into your memories and your past. You need to slow down and do something different and fun with Boo or just outdoors by yourself.

Take care,
TN

No, it is really useful. You're reminding me that no matter how slow I feel like I'm moving, T always insists I'm going rather quickly. Just today, he was saying to take a step, stop, look around, ground myself in where I'm at (in his case, through connecting with God in that place and waiting until I find safety there), and then take another step. Very slow. So, he really is trying to take me through the right way, but something in me is fighting and still trying to pull the bandage off in one swift motion to get the pain over with.

TN - Crossposted. Thanks. I have been getting out more with Boo this week, which has been good...really good, actually. Unfortunately, it's hard when I have my nephew as well, because Boo prefers to walk and chasing after her while "wearing" my nephew is hard. Yes, phone sessions are tougher, but I think it's because when I'm with T in person, the attachment stuff pulls so much of my focus that processing of anything else is slowed way down. Like, if we try to talk about stuff in person, just his presence makes me slow way down, because the intense feelings of need and the ache of my attachment stuff draws my mind to a different place. I need to learn to process this stuff with him in person, where I feel safest, but for me to do it, I feel like I need to break down and ask him to sit "with" me. When he is sitting several feet away with a table in between us, I feel like I'm some some sort of animal in a zoo being observed. The few times he has been closer to me (took look at photos together or even pull a book off the shelf), I feel so safe and contained. I'm afraid that with the stuff I've been processing, he's going to want to stay far away, though.

Hi Yaku,

Sorry to oversimplify the situation in my last. I know it's hard to contain once stuff is coming up. I get what you are saying about things slowing down in person. I have experienced this in other non-T relationships, where email/written communication quickly leads to lots more revelation than would happen in person.

These days I feel like I would rather have the moderating effect of communicating only in person - like the attachment and trust stuff that comes up is the natural 'brakes' to ensure the necessary relationship is there to handle the material. But that is just what I am used to, and to be honest I just don't know much about other contact patterns in therapy or how they are best managed. So my feedback needs to be taken with multiple grains of salt.

Take care,
Jones

Jones - I don't think you oversimplified. I think you made a very valid point from the content of my posts. I think my tendency to process in writing stems from my inability to recall anything in person. I sometimes blank so hard I feel like I am not even in the room. My writing is a way for T to not have to play 20 questions with me to get me to talk at all. I don't want to sit there for an hour and waste $125 with him saying, "Well, how about things with your Mom? No? What about marriage stuff? Hrm...not that either. Well, is it your self-loathing then?" It's not just T I have this problem with. I pretty much blank with anyone in this way when talking about deep stuff unless I am completely dissociating all feelings about it. T just happens to draw me into a feeling realm more easily than anyone I know. He really makes me safe, but I have a lot of defenses built around feeling safe, because in my mind (I'm sure as in many other peoples') it means imminent ambush. I really do need to talk about the attachment and closeness stuff with him in person. It is ever-present in my therapy time and moving along in that discussion is most likely to increase my ability to feel safe about other "big" things. It is also the one that if he missteps, I am most likely to be VERY hurt and not sure how I will handle that. I guess I'm saying I don't trust that if the conversation leaves me hurting that he will be able to get me contained enough before I have to go. Not a matter of his skill or our connection, but I think I would really like to have a fail-safe, two-hour block. One hour to discuss the stuff and another one for him to reassure and ground me if I misunderstand or react poorly to it.