i seem to have done something to accidentally injure my right hand. its been bothering me for a couple of days and this morning i woke up with it half of it numb, black and blue, and all of it swollen. i'm active enough that i do a sprint (short) triathalon every year, but i also have a chronic neuromusclar thing that flares up at times. when something hurts, i tend to ride it out for a few days to see if it's the neuromuscular thing (and i need to see the doc that treats that) or if it is something unrelated. this time, it is for sure something new. i'm upset about it, as i have been struggling with my body a bit lately anyhow - but im off to go see the dr today.
i will probably be a bit absent from typing and posting here until my hand heals from whatever has been stirred up, but i'll be reading.
i guess the good thing is that i am going to go see the dr despite how much i don't want to go. drs. ugh. i don't want to go see anymore of them. can i just trade in this body and mind for a new one?
take care,
~ jd
Original Post
she’s a good dr. i almost cried with relief when she said she would call them for me. she said they will likely order an mri when i see the ortho, and if not, to call her so she can get me in to a hand specialist who is more booked out. 
he said the x-rays show no deformity, and only an mri would confirm that there is any deformity or tear of the ligaments, but he’s seen lots of hands though and sees no reason for any mri, nothing, no anything. no hope for it to heal (it = deformity that can’t be see or comfirmed on an x-ray alone anyhow). he said he could send me to a hand specialist but i told him about how i had already called them, and they already said could not see me for 3 months unless he called and asked for a sooner time, which he declined to do saying that there was no way he could get me in to see them sooner - despite the fact that the hand clinic said they could see me sooner if he called. i asked to see a different doctor in the same practice, since i don’t know of any others around within 60 miles that take my insurance, the doctor easily agreed with that (which surprised me), and said to go out to the main desk to make the appointment after the nurse came in with the braces. before he left the room, the doctor said i also likely have carpal tunnel in both hands on top of everything else, worse in the hand with the other injury, and there is no way to treat it nor prevent it from getting worse in the other hand. he said, "it will get worse and there is no way to prevent that. doing so would be like trying to prevent breaking an arm. it just happens.” huh? (i don't know much about carpal tunnel but this seems totally bogus to me.) the dr left, the nurse brough the braces were the wrong size, and i begged for the right size (feeling like a dork because it was two sizes smaller than what she brought) and she finally brought them, and said “oh, gosh, that is a much better fit.” this brought up some internal self hate of my body - no idea why. i went out of the room and started to get teared up as i waited to make the appointment – the words of “permanent deformity” and “no use of my hand for 3 months to a year…” were echoing in my head, along with “nothing else to do about it.” i asked for klneex. about 5 minutes later, as i stood there with red eyes, making no sound, still in line to make the appointment and sign paperowrk to check out and leave, the office manger grabbed by backpack that was by my feet and went into her office with it. she said something, and i don't know what it was. i started to ask where she was going with my backpack, and she came back and litterally grabbed my arm, which set off a flashback. she said something, but i don't know what it was. all i cared about was suddenly she was grabbing me. i started to panic. 
