many hugs to you! Thank you for sharing with us... oh you are a precious soul. Sounds like you have amazing husband and children too - I'm not surprised for someone as amazing as you. You have been through so much, and face it all with such authentic courage that you inspire me. I'm sorry for the grief and pain you are facing and having to walk through. Letting go of him has got to be hard. I hope you find rest and peace, and take care, and take all the time you need... I know you will be chatting away here, when you are ready. for now, rest... we will be here to when you are ready.
~ jane
p.s. did I mention that you are amazing?

(((Draggers))))) you are so incredible to come on here in the midst of all you are coping with to generously share your story with us. Thank you so much for allowing us to know more about you. You are quite inspiring and I want you to know that we are here for you when you are ready to rejoin the conversations. In the meantime you need to rest, care for your children (you are such a wonderful mother) and reconnect with your husband.

I am so glad to hear that T was able to come and help you. She really does love you Draggers and it was so sweet of her to stay with you in hospital to make you feel safe and cared for. I'm glad you could reconnect with her and that your new T is also helping and getting to know all your cps and that she understands how important that is to you.



Many hugs
TN

Dearest Draggers,

So proud of you in all of this. I can't really put it into words, just want to send you such a great hug and a smile. You were so alone with what you knew. I am glad that loneliness is over, that you don't have to carry it all by yourself any more. You were so strong, so independent, for everyone's safety. I'm so glad that you are no longer in that danger, and that you know that and face that. Thank you to both of you for giving yourselves to our Draggers, for letting her have you and your strengths and knowledge and memory as part of her, part of her wholeness to draw on every day.

Love you Draggers. You are amazing, all of you.

Jones

Thank you for that incredibly brave post - I can only imagine the courage it took to post that here. I continue to be very moved by all you have been through and all you are still battling with. But you continue to make such huge leaps forward with integrating your cps and have such solid, steadfast support from your Ts alongside you all the way - that is so good to hear and we can be very reassured by their presence.

But I also see the pain you have experienced and the huge cost of doing such difficult work. Your body, you and your cps need time to rest and recuperate after all they've been through, and understandably you need to have time with H and the children now...and time for you too. Take all the time you need, the forum will still be here waiting for you when you return

starfishy

Draggers,

All this terrible struggle with pain & fear was no doubt such an overwhelming time for you, your CP's and your family. I am so sorry you had to go through this, but hopefully it will be better for you in the future. It was great that you had your oldT, New T and your P to be with you through this very difficult time. I am sure it is difficult for you to lose the littles but they did protect you until you were able to face all these horrid memories. That was their job, to see to your better welfare.

Thank you for sharing your story with us, so take your time, rest and heal and be with your family and all the CP's. You are such strong lovely courageous person and I admire you deeply. Looking forward to when you feel better and come back here to the forums. You have been sorely missed by all on the forums.

I regret I haven't been around for a while or didn't post........Been helter skelter as of late for me as My T is on vacation, difficulty with coping with some of my issues and my 4yr old Grandson became quite ill and was admitted to Children's hospital with a severe case of Bilateral Pneumonia, but he is now responding to the new antibiotics and breathing treatments (his ox-stats dropped down to 80 with temps spiking from 103.4 and 104.)They had to put him on the respirator for a while to aid his breathing.

I hated to see him lying there so listless and pale, it broke my heart, especially when he would put out his arms to me and say Grandma pick me up and make them stop sticking my fingers! It was so difficult for him to talk.
Amazingly it did take my mind off myself which was good.

Sending you love and lots of hugs

(((((((((((((((Draggers))))))))))))))

Edited by moderator to remove identifying details.

It must have been so frightening to discover a new alter, especially one that held such awful memories, and to have your whole system so thrown by all of it. The internal conflict sounds completely overwhelming. The way you describe your system, it sounds like such a delicate balancing act. I'm glad that your Ts were and continue to be there for you in such a complete way.

I do love to hear the affection you have for your parts, and I can understand how that love would make this whole process so difficult. I have no idea what it's like to go through integration, but I hope that your love for your alters, your appreciation for them and your compassion, becomes love, appreciation, and compassion for yourself.

Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. Please take all the time you need to rest and know that we are thinking about you with love.

hugs from agent

((((((Draggers))))))))

I am humbled by your bravery and compassion in the face of the evil done to you. It is nothing less than a miracle that you are so full of love, compassion and grace. My heart breaks to read about what happened to you draggers, but rejoices in how you have triumphed over it, to bring such good into the world. Please know that if I had a time machine, I would want to come back to rescue you. Thank you for being so generous in sharing what happened to you. I am sorry for your losses with the CPs and understand you need for time to mourn. We'll be here.

I wish there were better words to express how I feel. Take good care of yourself and all of your cps and parts. Please hug them all for us. And your old T for still being there when you needed her.

AG

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Like everyone else, it is hard to find the right words to express in response to your sharing...I am just in awe of your courage and perseverance in the face of such horrific memories (((((((((((()))))))))))) Thank you for taking the time and energy to share your story so fully with us...I am grateful that your alters have been there to care for you and protect you...I am so sorry you've had to experience the pain and fear of them emerging sometimes so suddenly and unexpectedly...and I am sorry that even the healing must be such a mixed bag for you, that you are finding you must grieve the fading of your little ones even as you heal...but it totally makes sense that you would need to grieve them...and yet I am sorry that you must experience loss within the healing...what can I say but that you are one strong and beautiful lady. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Love,
SG

((((Draggers)))) You are so strong!! I am so sorry that you have been going through this. TG you have some great people around you. Thinking of you always.

Smiley

I'm sorry that you all have gone through so much pain lately and in the past. I'm very thankful to you for sharing your story here. I hope that things are settling down a bit now and you get some peace and rest soon. Everything that you have described makes so much sense and I am sorry that it is hard and that you are faced with the grief of fading little ones on top of everything else.

oh, draggers...my hugs and prayers to you!! jill

Oh my Draggles... what a huge thing to deal with. You are so precious. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to think of you not having them with you in a way that you can talk to them and feel them as you are used to. I'm sorry, sweetheart. Love to everyone in you. Thinking of you.

((((((((((((((Draggers)))))))))))))

Oh Oh my!! I cannot imagine how you must feel!! This is the 'intregration' outcome all would want but oh my these are all the little parts of you who have helped and guarded you as needed Gotta go now but thinking of you all with love and admiration.
Morgs

Draggers- i hope your session goes well.. Maybe your on your way to the session right now- i am crossing fingers and legs for you. I hope new T is just what you need right now. Let s know how it goes if you want to? hugs!

((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))
Thinking of you and sending you tons of love and cyber-hugs
SG

It's horrid to hear the pain you are in, I wish there was an easier way for you to do this. I am so thankful though to know you have your Ts alongside you through this and that they are willing to reach out and support you.

starfish

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Sorry I'm late! I hope all goes well.

DF,
Thinking of you and hoping everything is starting to settle down for you. One day at a time. You are a brave and couragous women. Thank you again for sharing your story. We are all here for you when you are ready. Take care

PG

You have been amazingly brave and strong - a real inspiration to us all here. It no doubt must feel so very strange for you...it's all happened really quickly too, so a huge change in such a short period of time, although I know the background work was happening for a long time beforehand to prepare you for this.

I would imagine your emotions are really bittersweet right now - grieving those difficult and very important losses of your cps; whilst at the same time a real sense of achievement at what you have accomplished. You will always be the same dear draggers, but now with the lovely qualities of your integrated little ones as well.... that can't be bad

Many hugs from me,

starfish

Oh, wow...thank you for telling us about this hugely important step in your healing...something you have worked so courageously toward...but also I agree with starfishy that your emotions must very understandably be bittersweet right now...of course you feel scared and sad...this has got to be a huge adjustment for you...I'm glad it is not all sad...and you know we are all here for you...is it okay to say congratulations, and also I am sorry for your loss, at the same time? Okay, I think I need a kleenex, too.

Giant hugs to you, sweetie,
SG

(((((((Draggers)))))))

quote:

- i cant help but feel kind of glad that they can finally live up front all the time with me and be happy and not scared any more

Draggers, what a beautiful attitude you have So very happy for you ((all)).
Love
Morgs

Draggers, I don't have anything of value to say, but I think that you are truly amazing. This journey of yours is so incredible (although it's unfortunate that you have to go through it in the first place), and I feel honored that you are sharing it here with us. Take good care of yourself. We will be here for you.

Big hugs to you, and I hope that your session goes well. ((((Draggers))))

starfish

DF,

You are going to be the angel on the top of my Christmas tree

PG

Draggers,

quote:

i have been thinking.no one crack any jokes about that!!!!!!

No jokes, just brought a smile to me! I have always loved your post.

quote:

And i keep waiting to hear their little vioces when i am doing things.especially yesterday when i got the christmas tree stuff out ready to put up in the next week.
Its not just me that has found them going painful though..i left my husband to sort through the tree decorations that i have on the tree, that i have in my dining room.cos i just couldnt do it..its the tree that my littles decorated with their toys and had coloured lights on and lots of tinsel.it was well over the top and looked really dreadful,but they loved it every year.

I am sure you do indeed miss hearing their voices. Especially in addition the memories of prior times at X-mas with them helping with the decorating of the tree. But you, your DH, family and all your CP's enjoyed it and that is a wonderful memory to hold dear.

quote:

i came in to find him absolutally sobbing over one snow men and a little glass unicorn that she treasured....

Awwwwww, while it was sad to see.... I am sure it was very touching for you to see just how much he loves and cares for you..... and all the CP's. I think that is wonderful and very touching!!!!

quote:

but my H... he used to buy my cp's little presents every year and put them under the tree for them...every one of them had one....so he was really crying and said that it would seem really sad not to be thinking of things for them this year...and he especially misses S.....he said that he was glad that they could rest now and that hearing them screaming used to really hurt him dreadfully...

That he did that is just so sweet and caring of your DH. I am so sorry for the pain and sorrow that you both feel at this time.

quote:

he said that he wanted to help me decorate the tree with their things. cos i said that perhaps we should get some new stuff, cos its obviously going to be painful for both of us. but he insisted that this year it should go up the same as every other year and that whilst its painful, it will make him smile........it will make me smile too....

Awwww, you have one heck of a DH there dear lady. I agree with you both that it will be a bittersweet memory and time, but that it also will bring back good memories & smiles for you both.

quote:

although at least there wont be a bun fight for the chocolate tree decorations! i can remember blaming my children for eating them one year. but found wrappers in my dressing gown pocket!!!

Now this made me laugh because it brought back some memories of a custom we had in our family & of my kids and my DH at Easter each year.

Daggers, I don't know a lot about DID, but doesn't integration mean they will still be with you or become whole with you and no longer split off?

If so, then you & DH will still have them and you.... just rolled into 1? All the more for him to love and cherish!!

I am so sorry that you are still having the flashbacks. I have no doubt.....that you will overcome this as well.

You are such an wonderful, amazing, woman to be admired. I hope all the best for you and all of your family forever!

Lots of Hugs to your family and you!!!!!!
(((((((((((((Draggers & Family))))))))))))))))

Edited by moderator to remove identifying details.

I am short on words right now, but I wanted to let you know that I've read and I'm thinking of you. (((hugs)))

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any thing to keep you safe!

Dragonfly,

Sorry I haven't posted. Been thinking of you. Glad to hear you are feeling better.

Dragonfly,

It's ok if you are lopsided. I think we all are. I'm glad you still have your sense of humor..

PG

Lots of hugs ((((((((draggers)))))))

delete

Dearest Draggers,

Great big quiet hug for you, dear. All this happened so fast that I'm not surprised you are looking forward and feeling worried. But you can take your time and rest now, you really can. Just take the time to adjust and find the new skills that you need. It's sort of like you've moved country or something - you need time to adjust to the new landscape.

What do I use as coping skills?

I guess just feeling what I feel is a coping skill. Trying to notice it and feel how it is in my body and not judge it or run away from it. I will often try to think of how my body is feeling and see if I can make myself more comfortable by breathing differently, relaxing muscles, standing up straighter, stretching or putting on my softest clothes and cuddling up. A lot of this is just about paying attention to what feels okay and what doesn't, and giving myself what I can with kindness.

Other coping skills are talking to people, eating well, going for walks or exercise, enjoying jokes and so on. Keeping some variety in my routine.

If people upset me it usually takes me a while to notice I'm upset. I talk it through with my husband, or with myself, and sometimes I find I can say something to the person that upset me. Sometimes I need to spend some time first figuring out if something else is triggered, from the past, and try to do some self-soothing around that (see above).

One of the things about growing up in an abusive house is that we don't learn about 'safe' anger. Sometimes when someone steps on your boundaries it's the healthiest thing to do for both parties to show them you are angry in a safe way. This can be as simple as saying 'Hey, that's not okay with me. That feels wrong because of X. Please don't do that.' You don't have to shout or call names or hit or try to hurt or hold on to it forever. It's possible even to be angry and stay emotionally connected in some circumstances, though sometimes I need to withdraw. Sometimes if I can stay present I say to my husband, 'I love you and I understand you're under pressure, and I don't want to push you away. But I feel angry about this and I hope we can talk about it more and figure it out.' That's not abusive.

As for your mother question, I don't know. I guess I do mostly mother myself. I feel quite weird when other people mother me (including my mother, who I tend to push away) but there is one friend I can comfortably take it from. She is a very very critical person as well as a very loving person, and for some reason that makes me feel safe, like she really *is* my mother.

I'm so sorry you are feeling all the pain of what you didn't receive.

love,
Jones

Oh my dear (((draggers))). I could have written the majority of your post. I guess not that surprising coming from someone else with DID. I can so relate to most everything you wrote because I am in a similar place (off and on) with my littles and taking on their memories as my own.

quote:

my session yesterday was to talk through those feelings and boy was it horrendously painful...i had no where to hide other than to sit there with it all.

This is where I've been finding myself lately too and it is a physically uncomfortable place for me. I don't know about you, but sitting there with those feelings I get this overwhelming sense of needing to get away and find somewhere else to go, somewhere to put it and there isn't anywhere anymore when it comes to this point. The only way to get past it is to go through it and that is a tough spot to be in.

quote:

I really dont know if i can carry on with any more integration of my other 3 parts......i just dont feel safe enough in this world without them and to think and say that makes me feel such a failure.......i so want to be 'normal' like everyone else and have memories and feelings and emotions about situations.but i am so fearful

Do you have to integrate? My T doesn't push for integration, but it is something that I've noticed seems to happen a bit naturally as the memories are processed. She said that there are many people that function quite well continuing to have parts and that it isn't always necessary to integrate. Now perhaps she is referring more to the parts that have non-trauma functions. In other words, you still have to process the past trauma and accept it as your own (?), but you could still have several parts that handle daily life etc. Not sure, but I do understand why you are scared. It sounds like maybe things are just going too fast for you right now and the work might need to be slowed down a bit.

quote:

i am finding it really hard to adjust without them.
Not only am i missing the internal chatter and chaos in my head.......which i have to say used to drive me barmy!!!!i miss their ways and their likes and their dislikes.....oh i just miss so much about them .

Of course you miss them! They have been a part of you for so long. The thing is, even though you may not sense them as separate anymore, they are still there because they are YOU. So their likes and dislikes etc are probably still there within you it is just harder to sense them as so distinct. I know what you mean about the chatter driving you nuts and then when it's gone it is so unsettling. I've had periods where everyone else just seems to go away and the quiet is deafening.

I don't really have an internal mother. I wish I did, but I don't. I suppose maybe she is there and I just don't know it. There is an internal mother type that takes care of the littles, but she doesn't take care of me so maybe that counts. I don't know. I know that for me, grieving the loss of the mother that I should have had is one of the hardest parts of all of this. Each time I get near it the pain gets so overwhelming that I back away from it.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I understand where you are coming from and how hard this is. I think the acceptance of this as your own and moving to a place where you have to process it all in the first person is the hardest part of all of this.

(((((((((())))))))))
I'm sorry you are in such a painful and confusing place right now and that it feels so overwhelming and scary. It makes a lot of sense that you would feel this way...and that you would need to stop integrating at this point and spend some time figuring out how to "be" with this new arrangement...and also makes TOTAL sense that further integration is unthinkable. So please try not to be so hard on yourself...you've accomplished SO much in such a little time, it makes a ton of sense that you would need to slow down or pause for a while and readjust...so I'm glad you are getting support about that.

Even though I don't have DID, there is a LOT I can relate to when you say you don't know how to cope with your feelings...especially this which I could have written myself:

quote:

one of the hardest things that i am facing is that i do get angry....i do have a temper.i do upset people......i am not 'wholey' nice....that anger and these negative emotions are part of me..are part of everyone......its so painful to hurt anyone and anger......ooooooo goodness.Trying to cope with anger for me is like trying to stop an advalanche with a stick.and the fact its me getting angry....oooooo.i think its because i see myself as one of my abusers now......i see myself in them and i dont like it....i know that i am at another end of a scale.but it doesnt matter in the moment.i cant deal with it.

This is probably my hardest struggle, not knowing how to deal with irritation and anger...and the consequences of not handling it well...which also really creates a WHOLE lot of remorse and regret especially because, yup, that's the thing from my mom that hurt me the most, her anger. I struggle with remorse daily because of this. I've brought it up to all therapists I've seen but haven't gotten any real help for it (or if I did, it went right over my head). I really appreciated what Jones said about how she copes, I'm going to try some of her methods. I hope you can try out some of her suggestions, too...she's one smart cookie, that one.

The question about internal/external mothers...I actually do not think I've even resolved this myself...I'm still "looking" for a father, while needing a mother is barely on my radar...and I think somehow I've used the "love" of my ex-BF to protect me from the pain of not having had what I needed from my parents...which is why the loss of him hurts so phenomenally much and I do NOT want to "let him go", emotionally speaking...so you see, just because I don't have DID doesn't mean I've got it figured out...I just have a different experience and different coping strategies...I have my own way of avoiding and compartmentalizing the pain that I experienced...so really, I think you are doing amazingly well and are on just the right track...and again, I would just hope that you would not be so hard on yourself through an already challenging and difficult experience...you are okay and you are going to be okay...okay?

Love,
SG

No wonder you are struggling, you have such a lot to contend with and so many changes and adjustments ....the world must seem really topsy-turvy (was it you that liked 'The Magic Faraway Tree', when we talked of favourite childrens' books back along? If so, then I often think that Topsy-Turvy Land would really suit me.....if you've no idea what I'm talking about, sorry, but buy it for your children though!!) So everything that you knew as being how you and your system worked, now seems to have changed. Your boundaries and coping mechanisms, and that's really hard and unsettling. No wonder you don't want to give up, apart from her being the perfect mother, it'll be another big loss for you and you've had so many dear.

quote:

no longer can i kid myself that they didnt happen to me and whilst i guess that is good that i can now claim them as my own and i can feel somewhat whole.....its very painful being here.

I so understand this. I have told my T so often that it's the telling myself that it didn't happen to me that kept me sane. Now in Therapy, my big nosedives always revolve around that terrible dawning reality that a certain part of it did happen, so I can omly cope by denying it again until I feel brave enough to get it out again. Inch by inch I move forward...and you will too, but it has to be in your own time and as you feel safe.

quote:

.....its like i have to compartmentalize all my feelings again into little boxes and say to myself....when such and such happens ,you go here and get this out the box and use this to cope...and when you do A and B...C is a good thing......it might not end up in disaster. ooooooo

Maybe you might have to do that for a while draggers, just to get used to handling those emotions and feeling safe and comfortable with them. I cannot remember crying before going into T, I literally have had to learn, with the help of T how to do this. I think that only when I feel truly safe and practised almost, doing it in T, will I learn to do it elsewhere. We have to learn how to express emotions and feel feelings that we were never allowed to, or felt safe enough to do beforehand. I still loook at people expressing their emotions freely, with a mix of awe and confusion, as to how they can just do it!!!

quote:

..do you guys all have internal mothers or external mothers?

I don't know I have a real time mum, who doesn't really mother me at all and I guess I have an internal mother inside me that is a really good and natural mum to my kids. That feels easy somehow....but an internal mother for me...no, I don't think so, apart from a critical one I fear. But you do have an internal mother - you have shown endless love and patience , that only a mother could do...., AND you are a fantastic mum I am sure to your own children. Maybe you do just need time to find that internal mother in you, I am sure she is sitting quietly somewhere.

Big starfish hug to you (all legs )

starfishy

Hey Draggers - Sorry this integration is so hard on you. I have to tell you that sometimes I wish I had the littles to take over. Being a singleton isn't always easy either. I would be more than happy to give alot of my stuff over to someone else to deal with. LOL I'm not making lite of this, you know that, just giving you another view from a singleton's view.

As for the mother thing - who knows? I definately don't have or want my real mother, I don't think I have an inner one either. Maybe for animals, I don't know. I'm not really the motherly type I guess.

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Smiley

I'm so sorry that this has to be so painful. Of course it's a huge shock, and of course you miss your alters.

Your fears about having your own memories and feelings about situations are so understandable, and aren't your fault at all. I don't know how it could be otherwise when you've been so terribly hurt.

And it's not surprising that you react so negatively to your own anger. As Jones pointed out so beautifully above, since your experience of people being angry with you has been so extreme, violent, and abusive, how can you know what it means to be angry in a safe way?

I wish I had something helpful to say. I just want to tell you that I hear you and I'm thinking about you. I'm glad you're here telling us about what you're going through, and I hope that you're getting some comfort from the responses others have given you. I'm glad you still have P, L, and dear wee B with you. I'm sure they won't go anywhere until you're ready.

(((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))

With love,
agent