I struggle with anorexia - and am now recovering rather steadily finally - and I understand every word you said. The irony with this illness is that the more behaviors you have, the more physical and emotional damage you endure. It is almost unbelievable how proper nourishment actually does do at least 20% of the recovery work for you. So, it will get easier.

There is no shame in these behaviors. Your T knows about your struggles and has stuck by your side as a support. She only wants to help you, and she most likely knows that the journey will have ups and downs. (Mine has gone through quite the ride.) It sounds like it might be easier to e-mail her or write something down just to break the ice before you meet. Then, make yourself the promise to go. I'm guessing her kindness will surprise you. When I have setbacks, I like to remind myself of my values. For you, it sounds like your children would be high on the list of values, so think about them. Even if your intake was not recovery-focused, the act of asking for help is a major step towards living with your family values in mind.

I hope you can find the strength to go for that support, because it is so easy to lose oneself in this disease. Just believe me, though, when I tell you that not a single person - ED history or not - gets through the holidays without a stress response to food/family/life. It's just a matter of accepting that these are stressful times and finding a way to look forward.

quote:

For the first time since starting therapy I really don't want to go.

I can't say anything better than the others above....but I wanted to say that if this is the first time you don't want to go because there is something you don't want to tell T, then it is the perfect time to go and share with T so she can support you. I think, from my experience, if you do go and do share, and don't hold it in, you will feel better.

(((jillann)))

I'm so sorry for all the stress and pain you've been facing It sounds as though there really was so much stress to face, and insomnia alone can cause feelings to increase intensity big time.

I have a ED history, and for me times of high stress felt insurmountable, which led to many of the things you've described in your post. I know how hard it is to have these powerful shaming feelings You really are valuable to so many dear, I hope you might be able to let just a little of that in.

I wonder if I could gently suggest trying to re-label your expectations of what 'failure' looks like? Sometimes I think it can be really helpful to consider that T doesn't view you in those terms. Her thoughts center on unconditional commitment to helping you through the good times and rough times, not judging you. She really wants to support you. Sending big hugs of support

Thank you all for the lovely replies. I am still struggling. I want so desperately to reach out to T for support but feel like I can't because I am so ashamed. I may try to send an email tomorrow.

FMW thank you so much for your kindness. I think T is really just very worried about me. When I've called before she always asks what I've eaten. She tells me I can't concentrate of think clearly without adequate food. I know this, I tell my children this, I just struggle with needing to feel the power of controlling what I allow myself to eat. I have my first appt with a nutritionist this week. I'm hoping that will help me understand what minimum requirements are for healthy eating. I'm really thinking I will email her tomorrow. Otherwise I don't know how I will face her Tuesday.

SP -

"Having huge and terrifying feelings is not letting her down, being overwhelmed with self loathing is not letting her down, feelings really are ok except that they are incredibly hard for you and she'll want to help you with that."

This is so hard for me. I am struggling to believe that I'm not letting her down. Thanks for your kindness. I will think about trying to face the shame with her this week.

Draggers - thank you so much for your kind thoughts and words. I am struggling. I will try to find the strength to reach out to T tomorrow.


Ninn - Yes this terrible sense of reluctance should be a clue to me that I really need to talk about this with her.

AH
"I wonder if I could gently suggest trying to re-label your expectations of what 'failure' looks like? Sometimes I think it can be really helpful to consider that T doesn't view you in those terms. Her thoughts center on unconditional commitment to helping you through the good times and rough times, not judging you. She really wants to support you. Sending big hugs of support"

I hadn't thought to ask T what failure means to her. That is really interesting to me. I see her getting more and more concerned for my health and pushing me to see more Dr.'s and nutritionists and stuff. I perceive that she is getting frightened for me and by getting so out of control these last few days I have failed in what she has been trying to teach me. It will definatly be something I will ask her about this week.

Thanks everyone.

Jillann

I don't have much wisdom, and don't know anything about ED, and would not want to say anything wrong, so I am just letting you know how sorry I am that you are struggling and how I wish I could let you feel some of the support and kindness you deserve.

(((Jillann)))

I wanted to add something about fearing failure, something that my 1st T shared with me. It may or may not feel helpful, but just in case...

She worked with me a lot on the concept of failing in therapy, failure in general. I'd done alot of ED recovery work at that point, but issues still came up in my time with her (in times of stress especially.) And I also constantly feared her reactions.

She asked me to imagine a child learning to walk. The process doesn't happen immediately, it doesn't jump up and take off running across the room. There is a period of wobbling, stumbling, even returning to crawling. She asked me, 'is that child a failure at any point while it's learning to walk?' Of course my thought was, 'no... it's not failing! It's learning all the steps of a new concept...' she asked if I could imagine anyone saying 'you're a failure kid! get up and go already!' She explained that the illustration was not meant to devalue me or put me in the category of a child, but to help me see how she viewed our work together as a 'process', and how she was not demanding 'progress', she was only focused on what was in my best interests as I learned something new and scary. It felt very gentle and reassuring to see it in that light.

I hope that may give helpful food for thought

Hi Jillann... I don't have much experience with ED's but I do know that you have the power within you to decide that you deserve to be healthy and to eat good food. You deserve to be good to yourself. You are a good mom and a worthy person. Your T can see this. I am beginning to learn that how I see myself is not how others (especially my T) see me. Sometimes we just have to *try* to see us from their eyes.

Reach out to your T. You deserve her care and help. I know she would want you to.

TN

Just a quick update: I texted T last night. I told her it had been a rough few days and that I was nervous about coming today. She asked how she could help with that. I told her to just reassure me that she wont be angry or disappointed. She texted back "It is the holidays - she has heard it all" and that she "is there to help me change my life. Sry its been rough we will talk it out tomorrow."

Now at least I've broken the ice. I go at 1:00 today and then take a cookie cake to my son's school to surprise him for his 16th birthday today! Like I needed a little more stress - I will have a new driver in the family

Jillann, I'm glad to hear how supportive your T was. That is what she is there for, and her response actually is word-for-word what I could hear my T saying . I think connecting now in person will be relieving. One thing that I started doing with my T when I was really struggling to eat was have her write a kind statement of motivation that I could read when not in contact with her. It was helpful to have her sitting at a meal with me without actually "sitting at the meal with me"

By the way, a new driver can be a good thing I was a new driver what is now quickly becoming too long ago - I'm 21 now; time goes by too quickly! Once I got my license, my parents had someone to send to the grocery store for milk first thing in the morning, and they never had to drive again on a family road trip! There are benefits to having kids with licenses - and the cookie cake is really cute and sweet of you It's nice that you and your son have that connection even into his teenage years! That speaks volumes about your compassion and character.

Thanks FMW. She was very supportive in session today too. She had been pushing me really hard last week and I think I set my own expectations, about how I was going to make it through this holiday, too high. When I purged the first atime I sort of just caved in and gave up on all other coping strategies. The all or nothing black and white thinking that is so securely rooted in my brain.

I asked her about what she would view as a failure and she said she doesn't think about it that way. She said my need to think about it like that is part of the disease talking. I am losing hope that I'll ever be able to shed the purging and restricting and live like a normal person. She said that is the Bulimia talking.

Overall it was a good session and I feel like I can begin again if that makes sense. My next session is Friday and is the first with DH for couples counseling. Really afraid of that one. She spent a lot of time reassuring me about this.

Thanks everyone for the support this weekend. Things are settling down a little now that we are back on regular schedule.

Jillann

I know I am so lucky. My son was so excited to see me show up with the cookie cake he hugged and kissed me in front of all his friends. They all sang happy birthday to him. He is terribly introverted so he was quite touched by it all.

Family therapy was always interesting to say the least, so I'm glad you had a chance to diffuse some anxiety there. What I can say is you won't get out of a co-therapy experience without some fond memory that makes you chuckle when you think back on it in years to come

The b&w thinking is definitely all too familiar for me. But, your T is right. I want to let you know that I completely doubted ever being able to free myself of anorexia, and I am strongly on my way to full recovery. I have days where it is difficult and I have had times of missing a meal and wanting to give in to that ED voice, but somehow you get stronger and stronger. There comes a point where you start to hear your own voice challenge that disordered thought process without conscious effort. If I go to restrict, I instinctively ask if it is worth it, because I know it would be a downward spiral, and I instinctively am able to fight my way through the urge. It's a process - a long one - but your T is 100% right. That thought process you're battling is truly not YOUR authentic voice. It's one friend to slowly detach from and grieve for, but it's one that you'll be glad is gone WHEN, not if, it happens.

So proud of you and glad it went well!