Greetings,

I'm not sure if the title fits the content very well or if the Category (Science of Psychology related discussions) is the right one in the first place. This mostly personal and I seek advice from professionals or people with experience.

Approximately 2 Months ago (15th or March 2012), I broke off from a 3 year long relationship. I have to make it clear, it was for both of us a brand new experience. What I mean to say is, she was my first true love and I was her's. we both lost our virginity together and experienced many highs and lows of relationships. We had both grew up in the same small town (where we met) and we met in school improv club. I was older than her and sadly I had to move away for college approx. 1 year and a half into our relationship. Everything became more tense, things changed... we changed... When I came back during the summer, she was all I was there for and frustration grew inside of me from everything I hated about my hometown and living with my mom. It was a terrible summer for our relationship and then I had to leave again for my second year of college (this year 2011-2012). We've bin through allot of tough times this year. Dissatisfaction, lack of attention and love, betrayals, break ups and retries, unanswered efforts, so many tears and more... There where some good times to but the dark side of everything had become overwhelming and, with no end in sight, we decided to break it off in person.

I can't stop thinking about her... I haven't talked to her in a week and half now and she hasn't taken any initiative either. There's a battle raging inside of me. A part of me wants to let go and another wants to go back. Every morning I wake up depressed, lazy, unmotivated, sometimes with residues of tears blurring my sight. Every shower is long and harsh... the conditioner, the axe body, under arm, perfume and my skin cream remind me of how she used to desire my meek body. I can imagine the hot water running down her perfect body every time... and every time I imagine myself kissing her neck and caressing her... And then I wake up from my beautiful dream to a much more depressing reality. Every day I wonder how I can meet more people, if I can make myself feel the way I did. I cross my fingers for some kind of miracle but even though I have made more friends and doing stuff with them regularly (and during these moments I do feel pretty good). Every night I lie in my bed, alone, missing her warmth next to mine, her soft skin, her irreplaceable appreciation of my presence, her voice, her kiss, goodnight falling back into place for a another tear jerking morning to come.

I want to talk to her, I want to know when she stopped loving me, what she liked about me at first and how that faded away. Every day is a struggle and I force myself not to send her a message because I'm afraid. I'm afraid she might not answer and let me starve over it (might that be intentional or not). I'm afraid she will answer... I'm afraid to spark another argument, "fight" or face this feeling that she doesn't have time or interest in me (even as a casual friend). I'm afraid if, by some crazy miracle things do go well, if we're happy, I don't know if I'll want to move on anymore. But clearly I'm not really moving on by myself here either. I often wonder if I need another women in my life just to realize that She wasn't the only one who could make me feel the way I did. But I was never good at seeking and meeting women. I don't know what to do...