***Do not read if you are having T troubles, and might feel too sad at a good T story***

So I've been through it all with my T...all the doubt angst, misery, anguish, distrust and disconnection...you name it. And all the while, not that it's all been perfect...he's not perfect in every way as a T...even though he has his brilliant aspects that I so appreciate...but he has remained constant, and always there for me. I think this says it all more than anything. That no matter what I said or did, or how intractable my depression is, or how badly I "fail" in his "school" or how crappy my coping mechanisms are...I remain "welcome." *Even* when I made *him* feel like a failure, I'm pretty sure, at times. He has even said that he is happy when I schedule sessions...in response to my guilt at doing that...though it is always left up to me. It's not that I don't still feel awkward... it's not that I don't still find it difficult to think about opening up more...it's just that it has become clear to me that my cyber T does, indeed, care about and like the real me, better than the false one that I realize I normally present to him. It's taken a year and a half to get to this point...and now I'm just not sure what comes next??? Will it last? Where do I go from here? What do I do now? Now, I feel like I can finally talk to the man. Yup, he's there, listening, it's not perfect, but it's good enough...gosh, even though I send him ridiculous amounts of email, he answers...it's kind of amazing, actually. It's all good...even the pain of unrequited loving him is kind of "welcome" in me now, for lack of better way to put it...but the problem is...I'm *still* quite depressed. I still feel *completely* dependent on him. I'm still having fairly serious marriage problems. And I still really love this person, my T- he's just so...good. Deeply good, and deeply humble, and wise and strong and gentle.. even with all his "T flaws..." maybe, even *especially* with all his T flaws... I just see the reflection of something really beautiful and powerful that I have missed out on badly all my life- in this specific person. And I really need him to show that person that he is, to me- so that I can know what it's like, at least, even if it's not really "for me." And I'm ok admitting that need for him, now, pretty much-I think- even though it's really tender and painful and agonizingly vulnerable at times to feel. So what now? I guess, probably now...I talk. To him. (!) But I feel awkward, like, I don't want to just use him, or something like that, unless I know for sure that he gets something out of it too. Something valuable to him beyond money. And, it still feels *really* wrong to pay him. Somehow...it actually feels disrespectful to *him* to pay him- I've figured that out *I think.* It's like money kind of cheapens the care he offers, even though I know he isn't doing it *for the money* but the money is how he survives, doing this, caring for people. But it feels really wrong, and really disrespectful, like I'm slapping him in the face every time I write him a check. (Incidentally, I doubt he would agree with this conclusion, since I'm fairly certain that he has a grocery bill ) Sometimes I have this crazy thought that the greatest present I could ever give him would be to ask him to counsel me for free. (Even though I never would, because I cognitively understand that it wouldn't be fair, and that I am 99.9% certain the answer would be no) Weird, I know. Any thoughts on this?

Thanks for putting up with me everybody...

Love,

BB