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31 replies

Package Session - Updated

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to have waited so long to post here about what happened with the session where I opened my package from oldT but I was so emotionally drained yesterday and was really busy at work today and had no time. It's also been hard just to collect my thoughts and calm my feelings so I could at least write something that made sense.

When I got to T's office my box was sitting on the floor near my chair. T was not in there yet (he takes a 3 minute break in between patients) and so I just sat down and stared at it like it was a bomb waiting to go off. I was afraid to touch it before T came back. I had no idea what I would find inside aside from my blanket and my book.

T came back and sat down and I opened the box by tearing off the electrical tape it was sealed with. First thing I saw was my blanket on top. I pulled it out and then saw something that caused me to burst into hysterical tears as I was pulling everything out of the box. Aside from what I requested oldT added a few things that were meant to hurt me and cause me further pain.

Not sure if any of you remember the story of the "rock" I gave him last summer when I was trying to save our relationship. I had this rock for many many years and it was a special memento from a climb to the waterfalls that I made in Italy. It was a challenging day and there was someone special with me who helped me learn to trust in someone else and also in myself. That I could do things that scared me with a bit of help. I made the climb and on the way down I picked up a pretty rock to keep as a memento of that special day. I wanted to give it to my T as a symbol of our relationship, what he means to me and how we were climbing up to the waterfalls together and how I had complete trust in him. I wrote him a lot of this in a letter which he HATED. He was so angry at me that day. He twisted everything I said into something negative and told me he felt like I was saying he was blind and had no idea where we were going and how do I think HE feels about that? I was so hurt. I had given him the rock in a blue velvet pouch in a blue velvet box and ... well.... there it was in the box. He was giving it back to me. He finally got rid of that hated gift. He knew how much it would hurt me.

Underneath that was the two music CDs that I made specially for him from itunes and gave him for Chanukah. I made special labels for the disks and gave it to him with a good luck Chanukah pocket charm wrapped up nicely in a gift bag. That was Dec. 2009. I chose the songs as a reflection of the journey I took in therapy and where I hoped I could end up. I had wanted him to listen to them and maybe I could pick one or two we could discuss. I was in the process of writing up my interpretations of the songs but never gave it to him because I didn't have the chance to. I poured so much of myself into those CDs and it was like being stabbed in the heart to seem them in the box. Pure rejection.

He included an email of mine from back in September when I was trying to make peace with him. I said complimentary things about him ... how much he helped me, how wonderful he was with the kids, how I was grateful and hoped he would take my son back again... etc. He actually cut and pasted and highlighted some ares in yellow marker... it was not the entire email and was taken out of context. Along with this he included print outs from the computer of negative reviews someone posted about him. There were 3 of them I think. Someone's friend or family member was upset at treatment that was given. I was very confused when I saw them and sat there in a sort of shock. My T was trying to give me time and space to look through everything but when he saw my face and how I started to sob he took them out of my hands saying "what is that"? I told him I didn't know and didn't understand anything. He then told me that my oldT believed "I" wrote all of them and he was very angry with me. And OMG how unfair to accuse me of something like that and give me no way at all to defend myself!! How could he think I would say those things when at the time I was trying SO hard to make peace with him, to convince him to keep my son as a patient, to find a way to end in an amicable way. He had told me with time we would see each other again. WHY would I jeopardize that? I hate hurting people. He hurt me so badly, he traumatized me and I never sought any revenge on him. Does he not even know who I am? I spent 3 years in deeply intimate conversation with him and he does not know that I'm not a vengeful, vindictive person??

My T told me he knew I did not write that stuff. It's not my style to behave that way. I thanked him but felt so hurt that I could not tell my oldT that it was not me who wrote that.

Then I picked up the "progress notes" for myself and my son, along with all my insurance treatment plans he had to file for each new session request. And OMG... there was other handwriting on my forms. It was his wife's handwriting!! That means my privacy was violated. I never signed a release for her to see my records and if she didn't see my records how could she write stuff on my forms. Yes, he signed them and his writing was in some of the places ... but it was some him some her. I felt really betrayed by that as he had told me she never saw my files they were safe in his office.

Also missing... HIPAA forms and Informed Consent forms.

The progress notes???? OMG.... all made up and manufactured neatly to cover his ass. When I first skimmed through them I checked the really important significant dates... like when I revealed huge abuse or trauma info or like my birthday which is indellible in my mind and also the last month of sessions. Nothing was accurate. Nothing. He would write stuff like...

has anger, parenting concerns, questions therapy, anxiety, hard to talk

He wrote that over and over again with a few minor changes ... until the last months when he wrote that beginning last spring he was "transitioning" me to a new T. Does not really give a reason. Then writes all kinds of stuff to make me seem hard to work with like.... challenges boundaries, makes inappropriate requests, wants to make all the rules, in denial, boundary issues...

I was up really late last night reading through my journals matching date for date with his notes and 95% of what he wrote was out and out wrong. Had some dates wrong, would say we talked parenting when we talked about school and grief etc... Had my mother's date of death off by a week, all stuff like that. I knew it had taken me so long to get these files because he had to write up 3 years of notes for both me and my son... and ... my newT predicted exactly this. He knew what he was doing. My oldT rarely took notes... and how was he even able to do what he did in writing these progress notes??? I stupidly gave him all he needed with my emails. He could go back and read my emails and piece things somewhat together although many of my emails were purposely vague but he took some "exact" language from those emails and put them in the progress notes.

He never ONCE mentioned TRANSFERENCE or COUNTERTRANSFERENCE which was a HUGE topic in summer 2008. He only mentions attachment in passing a few times and a few mentions of vague trauma. Oh and on my Insurance treatment he indicated that I had "tantrums"...OMG... I guess crying is considered a tantrum to him.

So now I'm sitting here with a copy of his notes and i'm adding MY comments in red ink. I have over 600 pages of journal notes to refer to which contain great detail and can prove him a liar. The man does not have a leg to stand on if I go to the State Board. Once they see he lied about this stuff they won't believe anything he says. Why would he want to cause me further pain and hurt and inflame my anger when I am the one holding all the cards now? My T said including those reviews and that weird email was perhaps not a violation but morally it was not appropriate to hurt a client in that way.

I did not work in the afternoon I went home and talked to a friend and cried a lot. I felt like I was losing my mind so I beeped my T at 4:30. He never called me and by 9pm I was totally convinced he hated me and was sick of this whole mess and was avoiding me and abandoning me too. I struggled through the fog to beep him one more time. He called me back in 20 minutes and I just feel apart on the phone with him.

He was VERY calm and in control. I told him I knew some of what i was feeling was transference and that I was getting him and oldT mixed up in my head and I was upset with him because he wanted to get rid of me too. He said that was not true and he was not oldT. He told me he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. He would come with me to the Board to the APA or wherever I wanted to go. He would stand by me and put his reputation out there for me. We were connected and he knows me and he knows I am not that person oldT says I am. He said it was good I beeped him again... he never got the first one for some reason. He told me to call him or email him anytime this weekend. He said I'm getting stronger and that he was proud of me and that i did better than he expected and that I was taking care of myself by taking the afternoon off. He kept saying we were really solid and good and our relationship was fine. It was nice to hear. He is such a good person. I am really lucky I have him. Can't imagine all of this without him at my side.

And so that it about it. I'm swinging between horrible pain, grief and confusion to just numb. It's so hard to read what oldT wrote about me. How cruel he is and how we never had a relationship... to him I was a massive ball of depression and anxiety because that is all he kept writing. There was nothing good in those notes. Nothing. The past three years were a farce, a fake. He never cared for me.

Thanks for reading.
TN
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yakusokuyakusokuMember
Oh, TN. This man is unbelievable. I cannot believe he would send back the gifts and include those reviews to hurt you like that. And to obviously forge those sorts of notes. I'm assuming he must have known that you journaled. It's surprising he would think he could get away with it. And to let his wife see anything was absolutely unacceptable. ((((((hugs))))))) I agree with new T. You are processing this amazingly. I think you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for (though, it's perfectly OK to feel weak and broken). As much as it hurts, I am so glad your child is no longer with this monster. That's all I can see him as!!!

Your new T really is your light and he will walk through all of this with you. He's not leaving. Truly! I hope you take advantage of his offers to call and email as much as you need.
beaglemumbeaglemumMember
(((TN)))
What can I say?? I'm sorry you're so hurt and feel those years were wasted - in spite of everything that has happened, somehow they did have worth, and regardless of him, you clearly learned much and grew, but then clearly outstripped his abilities!! Also because of him, in a very contrary way, you knew what you wanted/needed and finally found it with this wonderful newT!!

It's very sad but oldT has done exactly what most of us expected - he's an ass-covering liar. It probably hurts even more because you pretty much expected the lies he wrote and the return of gifts, but still hoped it would not be so!! If you do take this further TN, you'll have the support of everyone in this family as well as new T! He's wonderful - only listen to what he says and your friends here who have come to know and value you - nothing uttered by the liarT has any merit or foundation in truth - he's not a well puppy and, frankly too dangerous to practice!!

You probably feel like you'll never recover from this but you will, it's started - you've handled this so well!!

Be gentle with yourself TN and just let the emotions, whatever they are, wash over you!
Morgs
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Yaku... yes he is well aware that I journaled each session. I cannot believe he thinks he can get away with this. I have read that in Board hearings it's you (patient) vs. the clinical record (not so much the T) and if they tamper with the clinical records, as in fabricating or going back to recreate it is much worse for them. I cannot believe his lawyer advised this but I guess they had no choice at that point.

I guess my child and myself are better off away from this delusional T... but the scary part is that I didn't see him that way at all... for years. I thought he like me and cared for me and my son. It's so hard to trust anything after that.

Morgs... thanks for reminding me I have this wonderful family here to circle around me and help me through this. It is amazing that I found my new T. I knew what I wanted and that was AG's T LOL... but he was too far away. I think I found his twin. I'm still pretty shaky with anxiety and nervousness but I keep hearing my T tell me that he is with me and it feels safer.

TN
ladygreyladygreyMember
((((TN)))))

I'm so sorry. I really feel the heaviness of this situation in your words. I can imagine how difficult it must have been to read all of those notes knowing that it was a lie and it was not something you could challenge him directly on.

I am so glad that you didn't get these files sooner in a way because I think it allowed you more time to feel comfortable with your new T and for him to see the kind of person you are. I think it is really helpful to have someone in your corner who believes your side of the story...especially someone who is a professional in the field. I think had you gotten those files many months ago, your new T's assurance may not have carried as much weight as it does now when he tells you that he knows you are not the kind of person to write negative reviews about your T.

I am sorry that you are left feeling that your T never cared about you in those 3 years. I wish I could tell you that I'm sure he cared for you and that it was genuine, but this guy sounds like a real piece of work. He may not be capable of caring about others in a genuine way.

I hope that you are able to get some rest this weekend and find some moments of peace and relaxation despite the events of the past few days.
I incognitoMember
(((TN)))

I'm so angry I can't say what I'd like to do to your old T. I'm so sorry that your T was right and he fabricated your clinical notes. That's terrible and I can only imagine how difficult it is both to read his lies and to know that you will not be able to understand what actually happened that led to the end of your relationship. He's a coward who won't own and admit to his mistakes and he is lying and covering up them.

I'm glad you have your T with you now while you deal with this new fallout from your old T. Please take care of yourself and try and give yourself lots of time to work through the many layers and emotions that are coming up with this latest betrayal.

I'll be thinking of you,
di
seablueseablueMember
TN,
*sigh*
It is really sad that oldT is coping with what he did to you by turning it on you, but I guess because of the trouble he could be in and in order to just look in the mirror, I am not surprised that he chose to create false records of your sessions and return very meaningful things that you gave to him.

For what it's worth, I do believe he cared for you in his way, but I also believe you are right that he is clearly unbalanced and you and your son will be so much healthier away from him.

That, unfortunately doesn't help the hurt though. That part is so not fair!! Opening the box has re-opened the wound and infected it in the process. There was no way it was not going to but you had to do it and I am so glad your T was with you even if you couldn't feel him at times. You know he was and is there.

(((TN)))
Be kind to yourself. Frowner Frowner Frowner


I have to admit that I was actually starting to wonder if you did have AG's T.

sea
blackbirdblackbirdMember
TN- I am so sorry. I'm very glad that your T was there with you when you opened all of that. I think it was terrible and unethical of chicken little to assume you had written reviews you did not, and to punish you for that. How creepy.

His behavior is incredibly immature. however, I have to agree that the care you felt from him was probably not false or an act. He's operating in a different space now than he was back then- and maybe it sounds crazy, but whatever was good back then, still was good and doesn't become invalidated by future bad behavior- does that make any sense?

I think his current behavior is completely unethical and inexcusable. You are best away from him, clearly. Make no mistake- he knows what a kind person you are- he's just doing this stuff to make himself look ok. Clearly he is too confused to recognize that he's only made himself look worse and totally unprofessional. I'm so sorry that you are left dealing with this. Very glad that your T is there with you to help you sort it out.

many comforting hugs,

BB
S sadlyMember
quote:
He said I'm getting stronger and that he was proud of me and that i did better than he expected and that I was taking care of myself by taking the afternoon off. He kept saying we were really solid and good and our relationship was fine. It was nice to hear. He is such a good person. I am really lucky I have him. Can't imagine all of this without him at my side.


I have read you post TN but not the replies as I have to dash out. But wanted to say hang on to this quoted bit.

We know, you know, your T knows that your ex T was a coward and fake.

You are not. You are courageous, resourceful, insightful, honest, you have integrity, strength, a good heart and all the right values. Your ex T is so way beyond being any of this, that he is almost not worth pitying.

sigh.

so sorry he continues to show his true colours.

S
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
TN,

Wow. I am at a loss for words and the ones that I do have are so full of anger on your behalf that I really can't even say them except *&*(*$%%!!!. I am really glad that you opened with the box with your T and that he continues to be such a steady source of support for you. You deserve that and you deserved it all along. Chicken Little is the one with the problem here. Not you. I wish I could say I am surprised by what he did, but I'm not. I am sorry that he continues to lash out at you and try to hurt you. That is just wrong and cruel.

As for his wife writing notes, does she work for him or in a professional capacity in his office? If she does then I think he is within his rights to allow her to see your file in the course of normal business activity. My T's secretary sees my files (something that makes me uncomfortable, but it is what it is) and I never signed a release for her, but I think in the general paperwork it may have said something about other office help seeing files in the course of doing business.

Whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you. (((hugs)))
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thank you... everyone... for the kindness and support. I will answer in more detail later but I wanted to clarify something that STRM asked about his wife seeing my files. His wife is a T with her own practice that has an office in the same building as he is. She is not the clerical help, and she is not his supervisor where she would need to oversee his work. Aside from that... he had told me many times when I would question him that NO ONE sees my file but him. And... as you say STRM there was probably something you signed in the initial paperwork that tells you that your T's office staff or insurance billing clerk will have certain access to your records and you signed off on that. I NEVER got that paperwork. I did not sign off on anything. I never got the HIPAA paperwork which is where that would be stipulated. I asked my new T if in his practice (there are 3 other T's that work w/him) he would fill out their patient treatment plans and he said he does review them because those other Ts are under his supervision BUT he insists they have release forms signed by the client and that NO ONE sees his treatment plans because he is the supervisor. With oldT... he is a Ph.D. his wife was an LCSW so why would he have HER fill out my paperwork. He has the higher degree...and that's beside the fact that I did not sign a release.

My T says all of that is a VERY big deal with regard to privacy and that the Board would not be happy at all to know how oldT behaved.

He is really not worth my pity but it's still so hard to come to terms with the fact that someone I was SO very close to could turn around and be so vicious towards me. I also have to consider that this would hurt his family as well as him. When I told my T that any action would affect his clients as well, my T told me I would be protecting them from someone who is obviously not capable of practicing ethically.

It's the lies in the treatment plan that have me feeling so crazy. When he says I made inappropriate demands on him, that I challenged boundaries, that I resisted boundaries, that I wanted to make all the rules, that I was in denial since spring that he wanted to "transition" me and that I had tantrums... I started to feel crazy and told my T that I'm a horrible patient and he will hate me too when he finds out what I do in therapy. He assured me that was not the person he knows me to be. But I still get scared thinking I'm am that person and that is why I got terminated. It still haunts me.

Rational me knows I did not push the boundaries I questioned them to find out where they were. He never made them clear or consistent. HE was the one who initiated the hugs. I initiated a handshake only. The "inappropriate" requests were my asking for a transitional object and some written affirmations when he was leaving for a 3 week vacation to help me cope with his absence. Oh and I asked him that time if there was something going on in his life because I noticed him acting different and odd and it was freaking me out. I didn't want to know exactly what it was ... only if there was something...because I always struggled with my perception of things... He broke boundaries way more than I ever did. I didn't want to make the rules I wanted to UNDERSTAND what the hell they were.

If I can show the Board that his notes were all fabricated and lies then it establishes a pattern and they won't believe a word he says. Aside from breaking federal law re HIPAA forms.

Let this all be a cautionary tale for everyone....make sure you have signed HIPAA and Informed Consent. KNOW what YOUR rights are before you begin therapy with anyone. Be careful how much you put into writing and be okay with it being used against you down the line if something happens with the relationship and definitely keep a journal or log or diary of your sessions and what is discussed. My journal is the only thing that keeps me from feeling like those entire three years were what HE says they were. That what I remember was a huge fantasy in my head.

TN
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
TN,

I'm sorry if my post seemed like I was doubting your regarding his wife seeing the files. I was just offering a possible reason, but I can see from your explanation (thanks for that by the way!) that he had zero reason to allow her to see them and that was indeed a violation of your rights. I would be really pissed about that for sure!!

I'm glad that you kept such great notes about your session. None of those requests you made were "inappropriate". Just because he wasn't willing or able to fulfill them doesn't make the request a boundary violation. He's an idiot.

Argh, I'm just so angry about everything that he has done and continues to do to you. This guy should not be in practice.
S sadlyMember
Cautionary words indeed.

I have taken note and shall double check with my current P. My files are kept in a filing cabinet in an open office where the whole team of (unknown) people can have access to them 'if needed.' So anything very sensitive I have to ask my P to keep it privately in his own LOCKED filing cabinet.

anyway, I wanted to say that most of the allegations this false T used against you are similar to the ones my ex C used against me. The transitional object was a classic. I asked for something, she have me it, I asked after the break if she wanted it back, she said no, I brought it each session and asked repeatedly again if she wanted it back, she kept saying no and when things really fell apart she yelled at me: you even took my cardigan and would not give it back!

ye gods.

I told my P on Thursday that I have a new theory that my ex C thought I had fallen in love with her. Such a weird strange thought but it would explain her reaction to me. He thought she might have thought that too, as her actions were so extreme.

Thank god you have your true T. you are blessed. Truly you are. I am so grateful you have him. I just am so glad about that. He will help you through this. And he will help you to heal in entirety.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I'm sorry if my post seemed like I was doubting your regarding his wife seeing the files. I was just offering a possible reason, but I can see from your explanation (thanks for that by the way!) that he had zero reason to allow her to see them and that was indeed a violation of your rights. I would be really pissed about that for sure!!


Oh, STRM... I didn't feel that way at all regarding your comment. I just felt I was not explaining it clearly enough for others to understand. Your explanation was certainly plausible. Please don't worry.

I just read my son's notes and they are pretty innocuous but there is NO explanation as to why he has refused to see him again in the notes. Guess he was in a hurry to finish them up so he could deliver to my T and even with that he was a week late with regard to the date set down in my letter. He IS an idiot.

TN
lamplighterlamplighterMember
TN I want to echo what everyone else has said, oldT is a jerk (well ok that’s not really echoing at all is it, but you get the drift) and I’m really pleased to read that you think he’s an idiot, means somewhere in you you’re starting to be able to see that actually, it might just be all his fault and nothing to do with you. That’s progress!

Bleh I just wrote a big post about his returning the gifts you made to him and realized it wasn’t helpful at all, just want to say that when I read your words about that I felt a real punch to my own stomach, of all the things he’s done I think that had to have been the most hurtful. It is almost as if he’s done it in spite, like ‘oh so TN wants her things back well sod TN she can have ALL her things back, see how much I care nyanyanya’ type of thing.

It’s been bloody hard and excruciatingly agonizing for you, and three years of your life wiped out just like that, but I have to say that you are infinitely better off without him. I hope that one day soon you’ll be able to see that and think of him without the pain you are still suffering now.

(((( TN ))))

LL
starfishstarfishMember
Ditto everything LL says..

old WAS a jerk TN, but although you know that, the realisation as it dawns through everything you see and face now through the memories that came in the box are immense. You saw 3 years of therapy before you and the pain of the rupture of that relationship.

You ARE better without him and NewT sounds amazing and a solid, caring, wise therapist. The hurts from oldT will take time to fade, however much you know now he was a jerk, at the time he was so important in your life. That takes a lot of coming to terms with (((((((TN)))))))))

starfish
S sadlyMember
There WAS good in that time with the cowardly old T, which is why it is not clear cut, but his behaviour over the last year has been despicable and he does need formally reprimanding, reporting, or whatever it is that you can do with your new T's support, help and guidance. This man must not be allowed to get away with such abominable behaviour..
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Hi everyone. Just wanted to come on and say thank you to everyone who has been asking about me and worrying about me. I hit a really low point last night, sitting on the floor with my box of things that oldT gave back to me. Looking at the notes he wrote that are all wrong and SO impersonal made me feel like the past 3 years did not exist. That I was dead. That I don't exist either. What hurt was that he didn't remember. He didn't care to remember things about me. It was all bad, nothing good to balance the picture. My victories... or what I thought were my therapeutic victories were not even noted. Like they didn't exist either. I worked so hard with him. I tried really hard. I tried to be as honest as possible and when I wasn't completely honest it was because I was scared. I tried to respect the boundaries. If I questioned them it was only to understand them and to figure out where his boundaries were. He kept moving them and that is why I had to question them more than once.

I started to feel like things were not real and I was not real. I then got really scared because I gave the notes to my current T and I was afraid he would agree with oldT that I am a horrible patient and now he wants to run too. I managed to convince myself that I truly deserved what I got from oldT because I loved him and I was not supposed to love him. And I am afraid of my current T because what if he manages to get close to me then he will find out the truth and leave me too.

So of course I wrote him a long hysterical email... probably the longest and most incoherent one to date. He is really good abut answering me in the morning and today there was ... nothing. I waited and waited. And now I'm thinking.... see you are correct. He read the notes and he can't be bothered to respond to you. Finally at 2 pm I sent a short email asking "are you mad at me? I'm scared" and he wrote back quickly that he was not mad at me at all and he was playing catch up all day because he was away yesterday all day and got home after midnight. He told me there was no reason to be scared. That helped me a lot. But I'm still stressed and anxious because of something else going on with oldT. I can't talk about it right now but I ended up having to beep my T again tonight. Poor guy. I have lousy timing for having a crisis day. He called me between patients so we only had 5 minutes but he told me to email him what he needs to know and we can talk tomorrow. And again... he reminded me that he is not angry with me.

I'm hoping things with oldT are reaching some end game so that I can SOMEHOW get back to therapy again. All I can say now is either things will be settled or I will have to come to a decision on which path I will take going forward.

BG... thanks for your support. The rock story and what it meant to me really hurts now because he tainted it and made something precious to me into something ugly and painful. And my T also tells me I keep what is mine and the work I did is MINE. I was the one who did it. I will post those red flags when I have the clarity to think it through. Patients go into therapy not knowing what to expect and it is good to understand what should be a reason to run from a T.

LL you are exactly right. He returned those things to me in spite. He was trying to hurt me back like a little kid saying nana...nana nah. Thank you for your support in the midst of your own agony and pain. Thinking of you.

starfishy... thanks for your comments. It's hard even when logically you know the guy is a jerk but your heart is screaming something different. There is a quote from Pascal that goes "The heart has its reasons, whereof reason knows nothing." I understand what he means.

Hi Liese... good to see you post again and thanks. Yes I am blessed with my current T. He is gold... he is my light...I pray it never goes out.

Sadly...yeah grief gets complicated when there is also anger at some of the behaviors of someone you care about. When they are kind and then abusive it is hard to separate what is real. I hope you are doing better. Thanks for thinking of me.

Draggers... many hugs to you sweetie. I'm not sure how I opened that box. I was sitting and staring at it for a good 5 minutes waiting for my T to come in. I was afraid of it (with good reason I guess). Maybe I knew.

Morgs...thanks for the hugs. They feel good.

TN
yakusokuyakusokuMember
(((TN))) I'm sorry T had to play catch-up at such a hard time. I know how hard it is not to assume that any change in their usual schedule/behavior is not somehow a result of something bad we did. I'm glad he was able to reassure you that he wasn't angry. I hope things with old T can wrap up for you soon too, but it's OK if it takes you a while. It's completely understandable, all these confusing, painful and scary feelings you are having. You are stepping through them one at a time, but old T's treatment of you was like a major disaster (like a horrible earthquake or flood) and it makes sense that it will take a while for the relief crew to get it cleaned up and rebuilt. But new T is helping you to rebuild it on a better foundation. He is there. He's not going anywhere at all! He cares for you. He's OK with you caring for him. It will be OK. I know it's hard to sense that, but I believe it for you, I do! (((more and more hugs))) until you say it's too much! Wink
seablueseablueMember
quote:
I hit a really low point last night, sitting on the floor with my box of things that oldT gave back to me. Looking at the notes he wrote that are all wrong and SO impersonal made me feel like the past 3 years did not exist. That I was dead. That I don't exist either. What hurt was that he didn't remember. He didn't care to remember things about me. It was all bad, nothing good to balance the picture. My victories... or what I thought were my therapeutic victories were not even noted. Like they didn't exist either. I worked so hard with him. I tried really hard.


I am so sorry for your pain over this and everything you have had to deal with regarding oldT (idiot Wink).

I know this doesn't help the pain, but I really do believe that oldT did care for you, and your therapeutic relationship *was* real. I believe he does remember important things about you and your therapeutic victories. He got in *way* over his head and is scared now so he is lying and maybe he has even somewhat convinced himself that you have done some of what he accused you of in his "notes" about you, but I am guessing that his lies, unethical behavior, and knowing how horribly he treated you will haunt him for a very long time. I am not one to celebrate another's pain, no mater how strongly I think justice is being served. I say that because I feel like he is suffering over of what he did to you, so taking what he wrote in his notes as his truth about you not only hurts you deeply, it doesn't match up with the relationship you had with him. He is working hard to cover it all up because he knows there are things he needs to cover up. He is very concerned about his career at this point I bet.

I hope it does not appear that I am trying to justify his cruel and unethical behavior.....I AM NOT!!! He was incredibly careless and cold with you and it was inexcusable and still is.
(((TN)))

Please take good care of yourself during this time and lean on your wonderful T. Smiler
sea
blackbirdblackbirdMember
It's clear that he is using you to make himself feel better, and I think therein lies the trauma of it. But just because people lie, doesn't mean that they are right- just the opposite. As you siad:

quote:
I worked so hard with him. I tried really hard. I tried to be as honest as possible and when I wasn't completely honest it was because I was scared. I tried to respect the boundaries. If I questioned them it was only to understand them and to figure out where his boundaries were. He kept moving them and that is why I had to question them more than once.


This is the truth of the situation, and since it is, of course oldT will have to make it look like you were entirely to blame for all that went wrong...that was the problem with him from day one- failure to *take responsibility* as your therapist- for your healing, by keeping his own boundaries firmly in place. I'm so sorry about how much it hurts. It's is totally unfair. But you will rise above this with the help of your NewT who is safe and has the firm boundaries in place which allow him to help you better, and offer safe outside contact and so on.

((((((TN))))))

BB

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