Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to have waited so long to post here about what happened with the session where I opened my package from oldT but I was so emotionally drained yesterday and was really busy at work today and had no time. It's also been hard just to collect my thoughts and calm my feelings so I could at least write something that made sense.

When I got to T's office my box was sitting on the floor near my chair. T was not in there yet (he takes a 3 minute break in between patients) and so I just sat down and stared at it like it was a bomb waiting to go off. I was afraid to touch it before T came back. I had no idea what I would find inside aside from my blanket and my book.

T came back and sat down and I opened the box by tearing off the electrical tape it was sealed with. First thing I saw was my blanket on top. I pulled it out and then saw something that caused me to burst into hysterical tears as I was pulling everything out of the box. Aside from what I requested oldT added a few things that were meant to hurt me and cause me further pain.

Not sure if any of you remember the story of the "rock" I gave him last summer when I was trying to save our relationship. I had this rock for many many years and it was a special memento from a climb to the waterfalls that I made in Italy. It was a challenging day and there was someone special with me who helped me learn to trust in someone else and also in myself. That I could do things that scared me with a bit of help. I made the climb and on the way down I picked up a pretty rock to keep as a memento of that special day. I wanted to give it to my T as a symbol of our relationship, what he means to me and how we were climbing up to the waterfalls together and how I had complete trust in him. I wrote him a lot of this in a letter which he HATED. He was so angry at me that day. He twisted everything I said into something negative and told me he felt like I was saying he was blind and had no idea where we were going and how do I think HE feels about that? I was so hurt. I had given him the rock in a blue velvet pouch in a blue velvet box and ... well.... there it was in the box. He was giving it back to me. He finally got rid of that hated gift. He knew how much it would hurt me.

Underneath that was the two music CDs that I made specially for him from itunes and gave him for Chanukah. I made special labels for the disks and gave it to him with a good luck Chanukah pocket charm wrapped up nicely in a gift bag. That was Dec. 2009. I chose the songs as a reflection of the journey I took in therapy and where I hoped I could end up. I had wanted him to listen to them and maybe I could pick one or two we could discuss. I was in the process of writing up my interpretations of the songs but never gave it to him because I didn't have the chance to. I poured so much of myself into those CDs and it was like being stabbed in the heart to seem them in the box. Pure rejection.

He included an email of mine from back in September when I was trying to make peace with him. I said complimentary things about him ... how much he helped me, how wonderful he was with the kids, how I was grateful and hoped he would take my son back again... etc. He actually cut and pasted and highlighted some ares in yellow marker... it was not the entire email and was taken out of context. Along with this he included print outs from the computer of negative reviews someone posted about him. There were 3 of them I think. Someone's friend or family member was upset at treatment that was given. I was very confused when I saw them and sat there in a sort of shock. My T was trying to give me time and space to look through everything but when he saw my face and how I started to sob he took them out of my hands saying "what is that"? I told him I didn't know and didn't understand anything. He then told me that my oldT believed "I" wrote all of them and he was very angry with me. And OMG how unfair to accuse me of something like that and give me no way at all to defend myself!! How could he think I would say those things when at the time I was trying SO hard to make peace with him, to convince him to keep my son as a patient, to find a way to end in an amicable way. He had told me with time we would see each other again. WHY would I jeopardize that? I hate hurting people. He hurt me so badly, he traumatized me and I never sought any revenge on him. Does he not even know who I am? I spent 3 years in deeply intimate conversation with him and he does not know that I'm not a vengeful, vindictive person??

My T told me he knew I did not write that stuff. It's not my style to behave that way. I thanked him but felt so hurt that I could not tell my oldT that it was not me who wrote that.

Then I picked up the "progress notes" for myself and my son, along with all my insurance treatment plans he had to file for each new session request. And OMG... there was other handwriting on my forms. It was his wife's handwriting!! That means my privacy was violated. I never signed a release for her to see my records and if she didn't see my records how could she write stuff on my forms. Yes, he signed them and his writing was in some of the places ... but it was some him some her. I felt really betrayed by that as he had told me she never saw my files they were safe in his office.

Also missing... HIPAA forms and Informed Consent forms.

The progress notes???? OMG.... all made up and manufactured neatly to cover his ass. When I first skimmed through them I checked the really important significant dates... like when I revealed huge abuse or trauma info or like my birthday which is indellible in my mind and also the last month of sessions. Nothing was accurate. Nothing. He would write stuff like...

has anger, parenting concerns, questions therapy, anxiety, hard to talk

He wrote that over and over again with a few minor changes ... until the last months when he wrote that beginning last spring he was "transitioning" me to a new T. Does not really give a reason. Then writes all kinds of stuff to make me seem hard to work with like.... challenges boundaries, makes inappropriate requests, wants to make all the rules, in denial, boundary issues...

I was up really late last night reading through my journals matching date for date with his notes and 95% of what he wrote was out and out wrong. Had some dates wrong, would say we talked parenting when we talked about school and grief etc... Had my mother's date of death off by a week, all stuff like that. I knew it had taken me so long to get these files because he had to write up 3 years of notes for both me and my son... and ... my newT predicted exactly this. He knew what he was doing. My oldT rarely took notes... and how was he even able to do what he did in writing these progress notes??? I stupidly gave him all he needed with my emails. He could go back and read my emails and piece things somewhat together although many of my emails were purposely vague but he took some "exact" language from those emails and put them in the progress notes.

He never ONCE mentioned TRANSFERENCE or COUNTERTRANSFERENCE which was a HUGE topic in summer 2008. He only mentions attachment in passing a few times and a few mentions of vague trauma. Oh and on my Insurance treatment he indicated that I had "tantrums"...OMG... I guess crying is considered a tantrum to him.

So now I'm sitting here with a copy of his notes and i'm adding MY comments in red ink. I have over 600 pages of journal notes to refer to which contain great detail and can prove him a liar. The man does not have a leg to stand on if I go to the State Board. Once they see he lied about this stuff they won't believe anything he says. Why would he want to cause me further pain and hurt and inflame my anger when I am the one holding all the cards now? My T said including those reviews and that weird email was perhaps not a violation but morally it was not appropriate to hurt a client in that way.

I did not work in the afternoon I went home and talked to a friend and cried a lot. I felt like I was losing my mind so I beeped my T at 4:30. He never called me and by 9pm I was totally convinced he hated me and was sick of this whole mess and was avoiding me and abandoning me too. I struggled through the fog to beep him one more time. He called me back in 20 minutes and I just feel apart on the phone with him.

He was VERY calm and in control. I told him I knew some of what i was feeling was transference and that I was getting him and oldT mixed up in my head and I was upset with him because he wanted to get rid of me too. He said that was not true and he was not oldT. He told me he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. He would come with me to the Board to the APA or wherever I wanted to go. He would stand by me and put his reputation out there for me. We were connected and he knows me and he knows I am not that person oldT says I am. He said it was good I beeped him again... he never got the first one for some reason. He told me to call him or email him anytime this weekend. He said I'm getting stronger and that he was proud of me and that i did better than he expected and that I was taking care of myself by taking the afternoon off. He kept saying we were really solid and good and our relationship was fine. It was nice to hear. He is such a good person. I am really lucky I have him. Can't imagine all of this without him at my side.

And so that it about it. I'm swinging between horrible pain, grief and confusion to just numb. It's so hard to read what oldT wrote about me. How cruel he is and how we never had a relationship... to him I was a massive ball of depression and anxiety because that is all he kept writing. There was nothing good in those notes. Nothing. The past three years were a farce, a fake. He never cared for me.

Thanks for reading.
TN