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((sb))
Hey, you're up!
I hope you feel a bit better.
I feel for you, sister. I don't know what your other options are, so I don't want to suggest anything at all. But, you know that I can relate to having a struggle with therapists in therapy.
I think it is good to have a more clear idea of what your needs are, and yours sound very reasonable and important to me. I think it can be very hard to wonder whether you are wanting more than you are supposed to want, and the fact that the environment is "English" and that there is little talk of the relationships in therapy, seems to make it harder to feel comfortable and deserving of what you want and need. But I am glad that you are "increasingly aware" of these things.
It sounds very difficult to have such a lonely experience with a therapist in therapy when you are so vulnerable. You seem very brave to me and I hope that you can find other options to consider or that your T can help you better.
Quell
Hey, you're up!
I hope you feel a bit better.
I feel for you, sister. I don't know what your other options are, so I don't want to suggest anything at all. But, you know that I can relate to having a struggle with therapists in therapy.
I think it is good to have a more clear idea of what your needs are, and yours sound very reasonable and important to me. I think it can be very hard to wonder whether you are wanting more than you are supposed to want, and the fact that the environment is "English" and that there is little talk of the relationships in therapy, seems to make it harder to feel comfortable and deserving of what you want and need. But I am glad that you are "increasingly aware" of these things.
It sounds very difficult to have such a lonely experience with a therapist in therapy when you are so vulnerable. You seem very brave to me and I hope that you can find other options to consider or that your T can help you better.
Quell
(((sapphire-blue)))
i'm sorry you're in so much pain right now and feeling alone with it and not having a T you can rely on. it does sound in a way, like you don't really have a T, or like you only have a cardboard cutout of a T who on the surface is there to do the work with you, but there is not much behind that facade... like you said, under these conditions it sounds impossible to build much of a relationship, and also probably not a good idea, as it all seems so temporary and quite harsh and deprived of humanity (despite the 'humanistic' name).
i'm also sorry you were traumatized by her silence when you were talking about such emotionally laden issues. i dont know why she would do that, maybe to not interrupt you... or maybe she just didnt know how to respond? she does sound more blank-slate-ish actually. my T is psychoanalytical and a bit like that sometimes, we've had issues because she is non directive and waits for me to say what i want/need etc, so for example if i'm speaking in a rational, non-emotional way, even if its about really important things, she would stay non emotional too, she wouldnt try to get me to feel... we've recently had a major rupture around this, and i'm starting to think this therapy is not working out so well for me.
i know how confusing it can be, is it my stuff or is it her... but i can see it quite clearly in your case, i dont think its your stuff at all, i can see it as predominantly being the severe limitations of this 'therapy' and 'therapist'. have you thought about looking for another T? if money is an issue, maybe there are some therapists who work on a sliding scale?
hope you're feeling better.
puppet
i'm sorry you're in so much pain right now and feeling alone with it and not having a T you can rely on. it does sound in a way, like you don't really have a T, or like you only have a cardboard cutout of a T who on the surface is there to do the work with you, but there is not much behind that facade... like you said, under these conditions it sounds impossible to build much of a relationship, and also probably not a good idea, as it all seems so temporary and quite harsh and deprived of humanity (despite the 'humanistic' name).
i'm also sorry you were traumatized by her silence when you were talking about such emotionally laden issues. i dont know why she would do that, maybe to not interrupt you... or maybe she just didnt know how to respond? she does sound more blank-slate-ish actually. my T is psychoanalytical and a bit like that sometimes, we've had issues because she is non directive and waits for me to say what i want/need etc, so for example if i'm speaking in a rational, non-emotional way, even if its about really important things, she would stay non emotional too, she wouldnt try to get me to feel... we've recently had a major rupture around this, and i'm starting to think this therapy is not working out so well for me.
i know how confusing it can be, is it my stuff or is it her... but i can see it quite clearly in your case, i dont think its your stuff at all, i can see it as predominantly being the severe limitations of this 'therapy' and 'therapist'. have you thought about looking for another T? if money is an issue, maybe there are some therapists who work on a sliding scale?
hope you're feeling better.
puppet
.
SB I would take in your post and read it to her. Ask her about all the things you wrote about. What is the worst that could happen? Everything with your therapy might stay the same or.....she might understand your needs better and be able to come up with some ways to meet them.
Jillann
Jillann
Sapphire-Blue, this whole situation sounds really exhausting. Just the fact of all that driving could run down one's reserves before the session even begins. And it sounds scary to be in such an unfamiliar situation afterwards, with the Herculean drive ahead still to complete, after opening up painful, disorienting trauma. PLUS it sounds like the way she is responding to your sharing at the moment is retraumatizing. I'm sorry you're going through this.
I think it's an incredibly important and healthy thing that you are identifying that you DO have needs, and that this situation is not meeting them. That is definitely no fault of yours. I think very many people who want to heal from complex PTSD would have the same needs you do - and it IS possible to get them met. I think this process of identifying needs is already part of healing - and it's healing too to go that little bit further and give yourself the promise that you are going to try to meet these needs, somehow.
I like Jillann's idea of sharing this stuff with the therapist. Then at least you have the chance of an ally in figuring out what to do about all this. Maybe there are ways she can help make it easier for you. Or maybe she can help you find a more suitable therapy situation.
To be sure, there is a risk here in sharing your concerns - she may react defensively or throw the problem back on you. But I would say this: if that happens, you have a very good sign that she is not going to be able to help you in the very delicate and painful territory you are in. In that case, you are very likely to be safer by protecting yourself and leaving now, than pushing this further with her. This is no slight on her - not every therapist can help every client, just like not every nice person in the world would be fine married to every other nice person.
I know it is so difficult to think of how else to get the help we need. But yes, there are options... and it looks like you have a couple in mind already.... Perhaps it would feel more healing for you to say 'I'm not ready to open my trauma until the situation feels more safe' than to keep pushing it out there - or maybe you're now in a place where you just need to say it and share it regardless? Either way, I hope you can feel free to make the choice in your own best interest.
One other small thing I thought of with this - I totally didn't realise when I started online therapy, but I actually have one less transport expense because of it, which has made a difference to the therapy budget. Don't forget you are paying for petrol & perhaps if you do move to a different situation that money can stay part of your therapy 'kitty'?
Wishing you well.
I think it's an incredibly important and healthy thing that you are identifying that you DO have needs, and that this situation is not meeting them. That is definitely no fault of yours. I think very many people who want to heal from complex PTSD would have the same needs you do - and it IS possible to get them met. I think this process of identifying needs is already part of healing - and it's healing too to go that little bit further and give yourself the promise that you are going to try to meet these needs, somehow.
I like Jillann's idea of sharing this stuff with the therapist. Then at least you have the chance of an ally in figuring out what to do about all this. Maybe there are ways she can help make it easier for you. Or maybe she can help you find a more suitable therapy situation.
To be sure, there is a risk here in sharing your concerns - she may react defensively or throw the problem back on you. But I would say this: if that happens, you have a very good sign that she is not going to be able to help you in the very delicate and painful territory you are in. In that case, you are very likely to be safer by protecting yourself and leaving now, than pushing this further with her. This is no slight on her - not every therapist can help every client, just like not every nice person in the world would be fine married to every other nice person.
I know it is so difficult to think of how else to get the help we need. But yes, there are options... and it looks like you have a couple in mind already.... Perhaps it would feel more healing for you to say 'I'm not ready to open my trauma until the situation feels more safe' than to keep pushing it out there - or maybe you're now in a place where you just need to say it and share it regardless? Either way, I hope you can feel free to make the choice in your own best interest.
One other small thing I thought of with this - I totally didn't realise when I started online therapy, but I actually have one less transport expense because of it, which has made a difference to the therapy budget. Don't forget you are paying for petrol & perhaps if you do move to a different situation that money can stay part of your therapy 'kitty'?
Wishing you well.
.
(((Jillann))))
So sorry for missing your reply to me.
SB
So sorry for missing your reply to me.
SB