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17 replies

Painful News from OldT(UPDATE)

True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Today was not a good day. I woke up feeling panicked and upset from having bad dreams about oldT and what happened and then remembered how I was struggling this time last year when he went on his sudden 10 day vacation during the holidays. How I was feeling overwhelmed with holiday stuff and trying to get through to the new year to see him again. Then I realized it has been over 3 months now since I have seen and spoken to him and how stupid I was to complain about not seeing him for 10 days. At least I knew at some point I would see him but now....

So I finally managed to get myself out of bed and went downstairs for breakfast and to try to make the best out of another empty day when my dh brings me the mail. In there was a letter from oldT!! My heart stopped beating and I flashed back to the last letter I got from him in October where he reiterated that he could not see my son any longer but offered a termination session to us. I had made the decision to call oldT on the 22nd of this month to make that appointment for my son. I had held off doing so before this at the urging of my newT and my sister who both wanted me to be in a stronger and better place before meeting oldT. They wanted me to better be able to relate to him as an equal not as a wounded child and also to be able to handle the trauma that walking back into his office would probably trigger. So I was finally feeling stronger and made the call. I called him a few times but he refuses to answer the phone when he knows it's me so I finally just left a brief but cordial message for him to call me back to work out a few things. I also told him I no longer communicate via email and I would be happy to explain why when we spoke. He never called me back but sent a letter via post office mail to me instead.

It was a short, curt letter that told me to address any issues or concerns that arise with my new therapist and that he must regretfully request that I never make contact with him again!!!!!!!!!!

OMG the nerve of him. I am finally quite angry and he is so stupid to make me this angry. How can he think that this is a good way to end things. I have in writing his agreement to meet with us and now he blows off my child too. I also made this contact in order to get return of my things that he has in his office, to work out dangling insurance mattters and to see if his attitude had softened a bit... enough for us to make peace and for me to find closure or to decide if I want to report him for ethics violations. I felt that I had to give it one last shot... that I had to exhaust all avenues of finding peace.

This would not be so complicated at all if my child was not involved in the mess. Knowing that I somehow have now robbed my child of the opportunity to have group social skills classes and to be denied his summer therapy camp experience is so hard for me to bear. There are NO OTHER therapeutic summer camps within 50 miles of me (or maybe even more). I can probably find him another child therapist but the other things were unique and extremely helpful for him. He will be so upset over this. He is already upset and confused by oldTs abandonment of him. He has asked a few times why he cannot go talk to his "talking doctor" and see the dog he loves. I just don't know what to say and I have tried SO hard not to let on that this man, this supposed therapist, is not a good person and would harm both of us for his own interests. I did not want to destroy my son's image of this man who was a mentor and someone he trusted and looked up to in his child like way.

So now I'm left with nothing.

I'm in a really bad place tonight and really scared again. The pain is so awful and any small progress I have made is wiped out. I realize how badly I handled everything. How I never made the correct decisions in this situation and allowed him to have all the power. I'm that powerless child again who is terrified and who just wants to disappear, to hide to go away. Why does he keep hurting me over and over again? Every gesture of peace that I have offered has been rejected. How can he despise me to much to hurt me like this? To hurt an innocent child too? It's the not knowing what I did to deserve this treatment that is eating away at me. If I don't know what I did then I will do it over and over again.

I'm just so sad.

Thanks for listening.
TN
Last edited {1}
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ladygreyladygreyMember
((((((((TN)))))))))),

I am soooooooo sorry! How awful of him to send such a cold letter, and during the holidays no less! What a creep!

As for your son, I know you are sad he won't get a termination session with oldT but I encourage you to see that as a blessing. You don't really want your son to be around this unhealthy and outright abusive T do you? No way!!! You are both better off.

I know it hurts, but this no contact is for the best for both you and your son. I don't think you would have gotten any closure during your termination session, and it probably would have just been like pouring salt over an open wound. I really think you are in much better hands now and some day you will look back and be glad that you have this unhealthy, toxic person out of your life and out of your son's life.

In the meantime, I know it is painful and feels like a slap in the face. Please know that if he has been this abusive to you, he has done it to others. Hold your head high and focus on building rapport with your new T. This will get better!
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
(((TN)))

I agree with DF. I think most of this is CYA on his part. You didn't do anything wrong now just as you didn't when all of this went terribly wrong. This is really about your T and his inability to manage himself and by extension you as his client. I know it is painful and to see such harsh words in black and white had to be a blow. Please know that you have not lost the progress you have made. It is there despite the pain you are feeling now.
russrussMember
quote:
As for your son, I know you are sad he won't get a termination session with oldT but I encourage you to see that as a blessing. You don't really want your son to be around this unhealthy and outright abusive T do you? No way!!! You are both better off.

I know it hurts, but this no contact is for the best for both you and your son. I don't think you would have gotten any closure during your termination session, and it probably would have just been like pouring salt over an open wound. I really think you are in much better hands now and some day you will look back and be glad that you have this unhealthy, toxic person out of your life and out of your son's life.


TN, I agree with LG on this. I know it doesn't address the question of how to explain to your son why he can't see the old T again, but it seems like not having that last session might not be the worst thing. I mean, this man seems to have gone completely off the rails ethically speaking, and he clearly doesn't have the courage to communicate with any real humanity.

From what you've written about him, for all his good qualities, it doesn't sound like he should be practicing as any kind of mental health professional at this point. These people have an obligation to treat their clients with the same respect and dignity that we offer them. This man has failed completely on this account.

And I also agree with DF about liability. Sending you a robotic form letter like he did sounds like someone covering their ass while running away as fast as possible. And while telling you this won't make you feel much if any better, as far as I can tell you haven't made any "wrong" decisions in this whole situation at all. I know you feel like you handled everything badly, but man, from my perspective, you're handling it like someone who's been terribly mistreated in the most delicate of relationships as a result of his bad decisions.

quote:
The pain is so awful and any small progress I have made is wiped out.


I know it feels that way, but I don't think that's even possible. You've held it all together, started with a new T who understands how to do therapy and you're still standing.

quote:
I am finally quite angry...


Good. You should focus every ounce of that anger away from yourself and out to where you know it should be. You don't have to act on it or even mention it, just feel it, and when you see your newT next, you might bring that anger with you and honor it by telling him what it looks like, what it tastes like, what it smells like, and what you'd like to do with it.

Russ
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
quote:
I have a feeling your OldT didn't call you because he's concerned you will be too activated, possibly become suicidal, etc and if he doesn't have the skills to calm you down (or not re-traumatize you w/ the ER, etc) then he is putting himself at a significant risk for a law suit should something happen to you.



DF thank you for your response. The only problem with this is that I am not suicidal and I never was suicidal, especially that day when he called the police on me. I was merely someone in deep grief, traumatized and confused. He knew he acted unethically and was feeling guilty and so abdicated his responsibility over to the police. He acted irresponsibly. Aside from that he has already put himself at risk for a lawsuit by what he did that day and his subsequent actions after that. He totally abandoned me in an abusive and harsh way. He traumatized me and harmed me. He should be doing everything he can to cooperate with me now and calming the waters so he does not get reported. Instead he is continuing to reject me, and my son and agitate me and stir the waters.

Yeah I know we are better off without him but do I allow another abuser to walk away scotfree?

TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Russ

quote:
this man seems to have gone completely off the rails ethically speaking, and he clearly doesn't have the courage to communicate with any real humanity.

From what you've written about him, for all his good qualities, it doesn't sound like he should be practicing as any kind of mental health professional at this point. These people have an obligation to treat their clients with the same respect and dignity that we offer them. This man has failed completely on this account.


You always seem to make me feel better. Thank you. I agree he has been acting inhumane to me, someone who he has harmed greatly. And instead of trying to work things out and to help transition me (as he agreed to do in his letter to me) he has done everything he possibly could to make things painful and difficult for me.

Aside from that ... he is acting like a huge coward and running as fast as he can from all of this and hoping that I will just disappear. I cannot reconcile this angry, nasty, unfeeling, uncaring, abusive man with the guy who was so kind and concerned and helpful to me over a period of years. I can only think that he had some kind of mental breakdown or he's in some kind of weird depression/agitation state where he is angrily striking out. And I agree he should not be practicing and hurting others in this way too. Perhaps some intervention from the licensing Board will make him seek his own therapy and prevent harm to others.

I see newT tomorrow and will discuss all of this with him. Yes I am still standing, no thanks to oldT whose only purpose it seems is to destroy me. This hurts it just really hurts and it compromises my ability to trust anyone... even newT who I expect to behave the same way. How can I believe otherwise?

Thanks,
TN
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
It's okay DF, I know you weren't invalidating my pain and grief. I'm not angry with you. I'm angry with him because HE knew I was not suicidal... he just did not want to deal with my emotions at termination so he figured the cops could just haul me away and he then cowardly sendtme a termination email. Easy peasy for him. But there are rules of ethics that don't allow a T to just throw away the client after almost 3 years of treatment... he violated and continues to violate ethics.

He is also a little coward. Just makes me sick. Anyone of the members on this board has way more compassion and courage than he could ever hope to have. How wrong could I be about a person? It's just scary.

Thanks DF. Rest easy. I appreciate your response.

TN
S sadlyMember
quote:
From what you've written about him, for all his good qualities, it doesn't sound like he should be practicing as any kind of mental health professional at this point. These people have an obligation to treat their clients with the same respect and dignity that we offer them. This man has failed completely on this account.


Russ is so right on the above.

I would consider reporting him and making an official complaint. If he is still practicing he can do this to another client, he might indeed have done it to clients before you, he is so utterly out of order here.

I think you are handling it EXTREMELY well and I know your new T will have some choice things to say about the ex T.
Oh boy, you are being so badly treated here by ex T - it is almost a comedy about how NOT to act as a therapist, except both you and I know that it is NOT the least bit funny to be on the receiving end of such lack of competance.

I hope your session with new t today goes well, will be thinking of you.
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thank you Sadly for your comments and for thinking of me. I know you know how this feels. And you are not the first person to say that he is a walking manual of what NOT to do as a therapist.

I just don't understand how someone in the "caring" profession can be so utterly uncaring and hurtful, aside from being inept...there is always a choice and he chose to be as inhumane as he possibly could be.

Thanks again
TN
frogfrogMember
i am so so sorry TN. I didnt manage to reply when i read this poster earlier, because i was (am) speechless when it comes to your oldTs behaviour. Do you have any idea why he would write that content all of a sudden?? i dont get why he would "regrefully request that" you never make contact with him again..??!.. - And what the hecks about the(lousy) timing of the letter?..*arrrg*
I am not suprised though, to hear how this letter has triggered you and sent you right back into old painfull places.. I am so sorry. I assume this is something that your (new)T can help you sort out soon - hang in there TN. Its not meny days left now until you see him again, is it? (i think i remember you saying your T only has one week vacation?)
Thanks for letting us know.
pandorapandoraMember
Hi TN
MadGrrr, what an revolting thing for him to do. I honestly cannot imagine what is going on in his head but it must have been awful to receive it. I think all of us in your situation would have a glimmer of hope that with a bit of time and distance he would soften towards you but this is just so hurtful.

I am also quite speechless and dont know what to say, but most of it is not appropriate on a public forum.

Pan
J jillMember
geez, tn, when will this guy quit?? i am so sorry for the letter you received, and i think you have gotten some really good advise here in the responses. i guess the main thing i can say, is, this man is not a good t. i know things were wonderful, but if he can't still hold steady when things get tough, then he ought not to be doing what he is doing.

i am so sorry for the pain he has caused you, but i assure you, your son is better off without him. kids ARE resilient, and i just know there will be a better answer ahead of you for him.

i know how important that is to you, and, your mother bear instincts just show how healthy your concern for him is. i think once you can fully get out of this fog he keeps throwing over you (your old t) then a brighter sky will appear. it WILL happen, just keep moving forward, slowly is fine, but old t is not going to help you.

one thing i do realize with my succession of t's, is that each one brought me one step closer. t1 helped me secure my faith, t2 pointed out (dr. sleepy) my unfounded hysteria at perceived abandonment, t3 helped with further pointing out my abandonment issues and my borderline traits, which all lead to dbt t who possibly, too, will only carry me so far.

so, look at where he brought you, and know you are one rung closer to where you want to be. and somehow, some way, try to let go of the dream of him carrying you to the finish line. you got all he had, and the rest would only be damaging.

i hope this helps. i am so sorry for his timing. poor man.

hugs to you, tn. and a better 2011 i KNOW is in your future!! xxoo, jill
True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
Thank you June, Frog, Pandora and Jill for replying here. Your support helps me to stay on my feet when I just want to crawl into a cave and hide for the rest of my life. I'm so tired and so beaten down. Yes, he ruined my Christmas... and my birthday in July that I spent sobbing, numb and unable to acknowledge while he pounded into me that I needed a trauma T (evidently because I am so so sick in his eyes) and he ruined my wedding anniversary because that was to be the session I had with him in Sept which he cancelled via email before he left on his 3 week vacation. So now when I come to that date of 9/1 I will remember the pain and anguish I felt at being banished by someone I cared about and trusted.

I guess he keeps pounding me so that he will destroy any ounce of caring or affection that I have left for him. This is just what I need to happen to give me the resolve I need to follow through with a complaint to the APA and licensing board. As you have all pointed out... this man is not fit to be practicing as a mental health professional. He needs therapy himself and a few ethics courses. Too bad that they don't give courses in being human.

UPDATE on new T... I saw him today and spent much of the time in tears although not all of it. He has a way to make me laugh in spite of myself. He told me he was proud of me and I asked why, I was a mess and he said I was not and that he expected me to be a puddle for the entire session but I was strong and had some fight in me. He liked that.

When I called him on his being angry with me yesterday on the phone he admitted he gets angry when anyone f's up his work and he was angry with OldT but also he does not want me to get in my own way of healing. I told him that anger is very frightening to me and I told him that oldT got angry and then threw me out and I felt that he would do the same thing to me. He said not all anger is dangerous and we need to talk about the difference. He also does not know what kind of buttons it pushes in me relating back to my past. I told him how so much of how I react he has no idea about because he does not know the context. He does not know my history and he said he regrets that oldT's issues take so much away of what he could be learning about me but that it was unavoidable at this point. I regret it too. It's hard to explain my reactions and other things that I'm feeling when he has no idea of where this all comes from. He probably has some ideas but he is working at a disadvantage in some areas. What he did praise was the ease of working with me because of my knowledge and understanding. He also told me he is protective of those he cares about and he is coming to care about me. He said I'm a gentle, kind person and he does not see anything scary about me.

I talked about my ambivalence in reporting oldT to the ethics board and he said that is something that will make me a good T one day. That I can see both sides, that I take my time and don't rush to judgement and that I can act kindly to those who may not be as kind to me.

He said he would support any decision I make. He does worry that oldT will try to make me sound like a dangerous, unbalanced person in any hearing. I said ...well of course... it is NEVER the therapists fault it's always the crazy client. NewT smiled and said... but you DO have a new T who thinks you are very balanced, kind and not dangerous at all. Meaning that he would defend me if need be... which was nice to hear.

I see him again on Thursday this week. That feels good.

TN
marshmarshMember
((((((((TN))))))),

How dreadful that he would send a letter to you like this. I know it hurt you deeply and has really thrown you. Your old T has no compassion for you at all. He is only thinking of himself right now with total disregard to you and your son. It appears he is just trying to cover his own tail!!

Keep holding onto that anger you feel toward him and use it to report him. He needs to be stopped before he hurts and damages anyone else.

I am so glad your new T is behind you all the way. I know you are hurting but he can help you.

Take care of yourself,
beaglemumbeaglemumMember
quote:
he expected me to be a puddle for the entire session

Oh TN what a caring, understanding man your newT is Big Grin Thank God coz he'll be able to help you recover from oldT who was and is almost pathological Eeker His cruelty is beyond belief and I'm so pleased newT will support you all the way if you do decide to take action for yourself and to protect others from this man!
Do be gentle with yourself

Morgs
S sadlyMember
What I did with a T that went off the rails, was call in a professional mediator, then call up the T's own training body and people who trained him and told them what he had done to me, with the backing and support of a T given by my doctor at short notice to handle me falling apart from the ex t"s behaviour. They all applied extreme pressure for the man to attend the mediation, they were all aware of what he did, and he had to account for himself. He brought a friend, and I brought the T I had begun to work with, and the T I had worked with some years before.
I made the ex T PAY for the mediator and refund me ALL my fees. And promise before all of us not to practice for four years whilst he went into therapy himself.
That was the best I could do.
Initially in the first few weeks following the termination, he did what your ex T is doing, - say I was the problem, that he had done nothing wrong but I stayed firm and clear and just kept referring to facts not thoughts or feelings.
Eventually he had to accept what he had done and that was really hard for him.

don't know whether that helps but I did discover that professional mediators are REALLY good at keeping both sides listening and hearing each other and keeping the mediation session on track. No one can storm out and no one can shout over the other etc, it was done so professionally. It was brilliant.
russrussMember
TN,

quote:
Originally posted by True North:
I just don't understand how someone in the "caring" profession can be so utterly uncaring and hurtful, aside from being inept...


For the same reason there are lousy auto mechanics and bad dentists and idiot doctors and jackass college professors who can't form a complete sentence. Just because you have a degree and a license it doesn't mean you have any business being in your business.

quote:
Originally posted by True North:
he said he regrets that oldT's issues take so much away of what he could be learning about me but that it was unavoidable at this point. I regret it too. It's hard to explain my reactions and other things that I'm feeling when he has no idea of where this all comes from. He probably has some ideas but he is working at a disadvantage in some areas. What he did praise was the ease of working with me because of my knowledge and understanding. He also told me he is protective of those he cares about and he is coming to care about me. He said I'm a gentle, kind person and he does not see anything scary about me.

...I talked about my ambivalence in reporting oldT to the ethics board and he said that is something that will make me a good T one day. That I can see both sides, that I take my time and don't rush to judgement and that I can act kindly to those who may not be as kind to me.


Right, because this guy actually knows how to do therapy. I really don't think oldT did, and it wouldn't surprise me if oldT did have a breakdown. You may laugh at this idea, but that man may find himself in an even worse position than yourself if his own false self collapsed and he's been left in a smoking pile on the floor somewhere.

And of course you're ambivalent about reporting oldT. I'm sure you have a ton of mixed, conflicting feelings about it. But, you're learning to stand up for yourself, and I'm glad newT is praising you for it.

When you've been treated like an emotional doormat all your life, it's extremely difficult to stand up for yourself and be assertive. It feels like we're being "mean" or "unfair" and we constantly let those who mistreat us off the hook as we constantly defend them, usually without realizing it. I mean, for me this pattern is so strong that even after I stand up for myself and the person I've asserted myself to is GRATEFUL for it, I STILL have mixed feelings about it.

quote:
Originally posted by Sadly:
What I did with a T that went off the rails, was call in a professional mediator, then call up the T's own training body and people who trained him and told them what he had done to me, with the backing and support of a T given by my doctor at short notice to handle me falling apart from the ex t"s behaviour. They all applied extreme pressure for the man to attend the mediation, they were all aware of what he did, and he had to account for himself. He brought a friend, and I brought the T I had begun to work with, and the T I had worked with some years before.
I made the ex T PAY for the mediator and refund me ALL my fees. And promise before all of us not to practice for four years whilst he went into therapy himself.


This sounds like a good way to go if you do decide to pursue it. It's official and it's there for this precise reason...to give clients the formal hearing they deserve when a therapist mistreats them and/or is willfully negligent.

Russ

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