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5 replies

panic about life

J janedoeMember
I'm starting a few news things rights now. I'm returning to school, adopted a puppy to train as service dog, and teaching/leading a kids science club and group of volunteers.

I keep ending up in a state of sheer panic. I'm excited about these new things, and they are not that hard, just adjustments. But, the lack of a sense of direction in my life is hotting me hard, over and over again, and sending me into awful states of panic. They will pull out my old transcripts, excited what I did in the past... and since then, PTSD kicked in and my whole sense of life has shifted, and I keep freaking out about not feeling like I know what I am doing with my life or why. I have logical reasons to do what I'm doing and take the classes I'm taking and do the other new things I'm doing... but logic doesn't seem to mean anything to my panic. It's bad enough it is starting to sabatoge things.

I saw my T today, and I told her about this and started to panic, even cry, in her office. She wasn't actually very sure how to help. She didn't understand what I was in a state of panic about in terms of everything, and I struggled to explain. This is sort of the best that I can explain in. She is suggesting I try medications for it for right now, until we figure it out better, and what will help. I'm open to that idea... yet the medication I have to take for this (klonpin) doesn't do a lot for this - the panic is so big...

and I don't know what to do. I am trying to write a paper tonight. For moments at a time, I can convince myself that I do have direction, and then I can do the acadmeic work relatively ok. But then the thought comes in, "I don't know what I am doing with my life" and I am back to freaking out.

I think I have felt hints of this feeling my whole life, but on a scale of one to 10 (10 being the worst ever), it's been about a 2 or 3, and only every now and then. Right now, it's a 9. Maybe 10. Every day. All day. To the point that I've completely lost my appetite and have started losing weight rather suddenly (which is why T suggested medication for right now, just so that I get my appetite back enough to keep eating.)

A week ago, this wasn't happening. A week ago, I was simply excited and ok with these new things. But now, somehow, I have stirred up this sense of a lack of direction in my life. Nothing has really changed about that - I mean if anything, I have more direction in life than I did a week ago.

I'm at a loss as to what is going on with me or what to do about it. Any ideas or input very welcome...

~ jd
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room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Aww, Jane... that is not a fun place to be. I've been there too Frowner

The only suggestion I have is to see if you can get something fast acting with a short life span, like Xanax. Or at least, the Xanax has been really super helpful for me when I get into that space. And I'm on a teeny tiny dose, I take 1/2 of a .25 mg pill at a time. If the 1/2 pill doesn't work within 15 minutes, I take the other half. I can take up to 8 of my mini "doses" a day, and have before when I am in that constant state of panic. It's the only thing I can do to keep breathing.

As for the awesome new things you're tackling - sounds like you DO have some direction! I know several people who have volunteered to train service dogs, one friend is on her 8th or 9th year doing so (yes, which means she's on her 8th or 9th puppy!) The science club sounds great too. I'm wondering (and just throwing this out there because it's something that happens to me) if things are starting to pan out, and it DOES look like there's some routine and structure ahead (with school and your volunteer obligations, as well as daily structure in training a puppy) that you're panicking cause there is finally a little order, and the order feels unsafe? For me, I seem to be most triggered with things are calm and look to be figured out. I have to throw a wrench in to make it more chaotic cause that's what I'm comfortable with. Plus, the unknown of all the newness? Yeah. Sends me into living hell.

Sending you hugs (((JD)))
scaredtoriskmyselfscaredtoriskmyselfCo-moderator
JD,

I think it's great that you are taking on new projects and pursuing your education. I'm sorry that you are experiencing panic. That sounds miserable. Frowner

What if you focus on only the short term. Today you have a paper to write. Beyond today doesn't matter. You don't have to have a grand plan or know exactly what you are going to do with your life right now. Once you finish the paper then what is the next short term task?

As far as the puppy goes, that is a lot of work as anyone who has ever had a puppy knows. So that in itself can be stressful. You do have a long range goal and plan for the puppy. So you have the long range goal of turning this puppy into a guide dog and then many short term goals. Potty training, commands, behavior training etc. Those can all be broken down into here and now goals and tasks.

I guess my point is that it sounds like looking too far ahead is overwhelming so maybe staying focused on the present could help alleviate some of the panic.

J janedoeMember
R2G ~ I think I'm going to try taking the medication... something... It's all really gotten to the point of affecting me physically pretty bad. It is a big schedule shift. I've been at two part time dead end jobs, and now back to moving forward again... what I've longed for. And yet here I am, with this self sabatoging wrench... I gotta learn a new "normal" and it's disorienting. Thanks for the encouragement and hugs.

STRM ~ good suggestion about focusing on the short term. I actually haven't even fully picked the puppy's name yet. My puppy came with me to therapy today, and T thought that was "interesting" I hadn't finalized on a name, and asked me to tell her more about why, and we talked through that, about how much I'm taking it all one day at a time, and it makes it doable, fun, really ok. Not scary. (And yeah, I am going to pick a name by tomorrow.) But taking it one day, one step at a time is working with the puppy... maybe I need to apply that to school... (and avoid my long term planning advisors right now). Good idea. Thanks.

I journaled tonight about the panic, and realized when it first kicked in about school specifically. Long story short... I realized I have some really deep grief I have never really faced or dealt with. I miss my old life. My old school. I miss a lot of things, people, places right now.

And I need to somehow keep trying to settle my system.
S scars09Member
Hi Janedoe

I totally get what R2G says. When everything in my life starts to somehow pan out, I panic, like it has been said, we somehow don't know what order is therefore we have to create disorder because it is all we know and are familiar with. If I am not worrying about anything I think that something is wrong and get stressed because I have nothing to worry about and that leaves a numbness and emptiness in me. A feeling that I don't like.
kashleykashleyMember
(((JD))) I love STRM's suggestion to focus on the short term. I have to do the same thing, because I honestly get thrown into a serious existential crisis (a.k.a. SU) any time I try to think about where my life is going at this point. I just have to keep my head down and just watch the road immediately in front of me and not try to find the road signs that are still out of sight.

I also think that your panic makes sense because, even though you're doing some great things, they are still changes nonetheless which can be unsettling for anyone.

Let us know once you pick a name for the puppy! What breed is he/she?

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