Hi everyone,
I'm back from Nova Scotia ... I was able to read some of your posts on my iphone but not able to reply ..... I'm glad to see that MH is getting somewhere with his therapist ... at least establishing some contact sounds good ..and .. and MH, what is it about therapy that turns us into stalkers? I've driven by my T's house ... and MH ... I also want to add that ... i know it hurts but i think it's making progress that you're going back in light of the fact that you don't think she holds you in the same high esteem she used to ... because isn't that what intimacy is all about? that we can let our guards down? and expose the stuff underneath? and ultimately, what will lead to recovery? that you'll be able to do this and not worry so much about being rejected? that we can stop trying to control what other people think of us??? I don't know ... that's what I read on the internet ....
But I also want to add that it concerns me that your T is revealing so much to you about another client and disclosing all that info .... and has been for a while ..... my T tells me very little about his life and from what I understand, that's the way it's supposed to be ....
As far as the jealousy is concerned, sounds like you have some unresolved sibling rivalry issues ..... do you have siblings?
There are a lot of bad therapists out there .... so I think I agree with Jones ... maybe your alarm bells are going off for a reason ... and there is nothing wrong with getting a second opinion ... I've done it ....
As far as my trip to Nova Scotia is concerned, I was fending off panic attacks the entire weekend ... we went there because my husband's father died a couple of weeks ago and his wife held a memorial service for him .....
My Dad died four years ago but I am having a hard time believing that this is the reason for the panic attacks ....
Loss is hard .... but ?????
Anyway, when I started having panic attacks with my old T, whom I left, - the night I almost had my first panic attack was when she double booked me .... after I left, she called me on my cell, told me to have a glass a wine and come back in 45 minutes .... I did go back in 45 minutes ... although I had a cup of tea .... and she asked me why I was so upset .... I told her it was the need/pain thing ..... that was all I could really come up with .... really needing someone but associating that with pain ....
And she insisted that I tell her the story that the need/pain thing was associated with ... and I did ... I told her about this date/rape thing that happened about 27 years ago now .... and she insisted that this is what is causing all of my current problems ....
I could never reestablish trust with her after that, so I left her and went to my current T, with whom I've been for 3 years ....
Anyway .... I just had the, "you don't care about me" conversation with him ..... last week, right before I left for Nova Scotia .... and his response was, of course I care because that's the kind of person I am .... and then he cut our session short by three minutes ....
And now, here I am thinking about well, yeah, maybe is knows how to "act" caring but how do I know he cares about me????
I can't help but wonder if the panic attacks are related to the date/rape thing .... I already told the other therapist all about it .... and I told her that I dealt with it ... and she told me I hadn't .... I haven't talked about it at all with the new T .... although I'm thinking that maybe that's where this you don't care about me stuff is going .... that I'm going to have to talk about it with him ...
My problem now is ... it was so long ago ... I remember the physical pain ... I remember feeling his anger .... I remember crying alone in bed at night for a year .... but I don't know if I can really recall it in a way that will be meaningful or healing ..... Does anyone know what I mean? I can give him the details ... and tell him it was awful .... and ask him if it's causing my current problems .... but .... it was just so long ago ....
Although I do have to say that underneath the panic attacks were an awful lot of pain ... in fact, it almost felt like that's what was causing the panic attacks ... like the pain wants to come up, but I'm trying really hard to hold it down .....
So, what's the vote? Are the panic attacks caused by my father's death? Or by the date rape?
Original Post
anyway enough of me, hope you have picked up since you came home.
Detailing all the reasons why it was so clear to me that he doesn't care, and something you said especially resonated...that he just "know how" to act like he cares. This is coming from a basically (and understandable) distrustful position, I think. My T may not care *as much* as I certainly do wish he was able to...yet he really does care....and his care is significant. Yes, I deal also with the sessions where it all feels very artificial and unreal...almost as if we are play-acting...and while that is disturbing, I think that is because of the boundaries, that keep the relationship very "therapisty." Which it really has to be, or you wouldn't have the freedom to open up. In fact, I have come to realize (for myself) that this professional stance itself, is an expression of care, because it is only in such a stance that I will be able to tell him everything and trust him. If it got too friendly, though less painful, I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore. I really hope, that I'm not just singing myself a pipedream...but I think they do care. I just cannot allow myself to beleive that my T or yours, would lie about this basic thing. If it was a lie, it would be so devastating, on so many levels. And surely, they know this, and so wouldn't lie about it? When it becomes about them getting their emotional needs met somehow, through us- I mean, them having to feel good at the expense of our ability to tell them our current experience of them- then I think care is leaving the room, at that point. Not to say that some mistakes can't be made, here and there, that can't be recovered from- but as a general rule. Does any of this make sense? Anyway, if not, that is fine, but I just wanted to chime in because I relate so strongly to what you are experiencing in T. 
Email is kinda bad in lots of ways, trust me on that. It has it's good points but it gets kinda desperate for me to be "able" to but never know if I "should" and how to control it, and so on. Also, it is almost "too easy" and I can use it too much as an avoidance measure. Count yourself blessed if that's not an option...in a way.