Hi Moro
You sound perfectly normal to me! (But then you might want to consider the source.
). The truth is that there is a certain rhythm to therapy that we move to based on when our appts are, so yes, there may be people who regularly go longer (I go once a week usually but occasionally skip weeks) but a gap is a gap and a change in the rhythm can throw off your sense of safety. And four to six weeks is a SIGNIFICANT gap. I've done six weeks so I can reassure you that you will survive it but it's understandable that it's making you feel panicky.
Human beings are literally biologically driven to stay near their attachment figures, it's key to their survival. So being able to be in contact with your AF can feel like a matter of life and death especially when it's coming from a time when you were very young. Which is why this is freaking you out so badly. You're not overreacting, you're experiencing a reaction from much earlier in your development. When you have a secure attachment when you're small, an important thing that you learn is that when your AF goes away, you can trust them to come back. And they can hear your fear and how difficult it is to be left, and they can soothe you and help you handle the emotions surrounding that. Think of a two year old whose mother is leaving. Having this happen over and over again teaches us that the connection stays intact DESPITE physical separation. That's why it's so much easier to leave a 10 year old than it is a two year old. From the feelings you're describing, I'm guessing you didn't have a secure attachment when you were small, so essentially you're having to learn this lesson now. And as an adult, these reactions can feel really out of control. The really good news is that you have a T who gets this and understands what a difficult thing you are facing.
I know it's scary to think of not seeing her face to face, but again I want to reassure you. My T has a very liberal contact policy, I am able to email and/or call him in between appts, even when he is on vacation. If I leave an emergency message with his service, he gets back to me within an hour (it's sometimes longer when he's on vacation but he's careful to let me know that. He will often let me know when he'll get back to town as well.) You'll be amazed what even a few minutes contact on the phone can do. Most of my phone calls run about 1-3 minutes, my really long calls will run around 10. Often, when I call, it's just a matter of being able to reassure myself that he's still there and remembers me. So take advantage of any offers of contact your T offers, it will really help you to cope.
You can also come here to talk about how you're feeling, there are a lot of people who understand. A few other things I use to get through long breaks is to request something from your therapist's office which will serve as a physical reminder of the connection. I have a blanket that I traded my T for and I borrowed it the first time because he was going to Europe and was completely out of touch for a few weeks. Another helpful thing would be to ask your T to leave a voicemail on your cell phone that you can listen to whenever you need. This can be really soothing at times when you don't feel like it's appropriate to contact them.
Last but not least, and I know this can be really uncomfortable: Talk about how you're feeling! (I know, you're shocked that I would say that.
) But how you're feeling is really important and looking at those feelings can be very healing. For a period of about two years, my T and I would spend the first two sessions back processing my feelings of abandonment and my anger at him for leaving. He deeply understood where my feelings were coming from so he didn't take it personally and remained very non-defensive. Just remember that there's a BIG difference between saying "I felt abandoned" and "I never want you to go away again." Talking about your feelings is what you're supposed to be doing.
One last thing, is that I wouldn't discount the fact that she's having surgery. Now, knee replacement surgery is pretty routine but still anything that affects our Ts health can feel very threatening to us. I know True North went through knee surgery with her T and it felt pretty scary for her. But she's still here to talk about it.
You're not crazy, you're just working to develop something that should have been taught to you a long time ago.
AG