quote:

There's no reason for my condescending remarks, my smart ass attitude, the way I try to make them feel guilty into doing stuff;it's just not right

Two things going through my head here Mudd.

The reason for that behavior in me is an attempt to control others. It's a bit of a power trip, and passive aggressive in nature.
I think it was a learnt thing from my family.

The second thing is what I see in your words, your insight; the guts it took to look deep inside yourself, and to put you up here for all to see.

I would never believe that mums love/enjoy their kids all the time. 99% dont!

Mudds, knowing what the problem is, is half the problem solved. Do you get that?

NO, NO, not rotten Mudd. A gutsy and insightful MUM.

Is there any chance your perceptions of your parenting and its effect on your kids is not correct? I would not make any decisions at this point Mudd. Too much in your life is in flux. You need to give some time for things to settle when your back home.

Muff
What I mostly feel is irritated & just short tempered for no reason. I've noticed that when school was in session I was only "happy" when they were all away which just made me feel guilty. I used to also think I was angry bec they were pulling me away from my art work, but I'd notice when I actually had time to get into my work my heart wasnt there & I was interested. I'm not interested in everything anymore

Your childhood probably reveals that same kind of parenting was there for you Mudd. Who was there to fulfill your demands then?

It's a bit of a circle isnt it? And for some reason the most gifted suffer the most with depression.

Art is a form of self expression, a communication with ones emotions. If you shut down with depression, it stands to reason your art will too.

Feeling guilty is fear of rejection. Who's going to catch you out on that one Mudd? Who will judge you? No one in here has that right.

I didn't really learn any parenting skills from my own parents. You followed the rules or u suffered the consequences. There was no debate, no other opinion voiced, no temper tantrums, no drama. I was a wall flower. I thought I'd b a good parent bec there were so many things I wanted different for my own kids. I don't kno what I was thinking. Our 1st child was a huge surprise after 11yrs of marriage. My H didn't want anymore, but I desperately didn't want an only child. 3rd one we're still stumped about

quote:

There was no debate, no other opinion voiced, no temper tantrums, no drama.

Is this a repeat from what is expected of your kids Mudd?

I don't know how to deal with them. I don't understand them. I can't seem to make them happy or content. There's just always something more that they want. And usually something I did wrong. All the time

Do you love them Mudd? Do you fear their rejection? Do they sense that, and play on it?

Wonderfully put, Monte!

One more thing... truly bad parents never worry about being a bad parent. They don't give it a thought.

Oh ... and hugs and kisses and just some reading time together goes a long way.

TN

quote:

Give yourself permission to be less than wonderful and you may find wonderful moments can sneak in, because the pressure is off.

"truly bad parents never worry about being a bad parent. They don't give it a thought."





Sleep well Mudds.

Jill,
I didn't mean to discount your post. I know things are in a great flux right now, but what concerned me the most was how quickly my feelings turned back to the old ways. After all this I thought my feelings would be so different. I'm shicked that my short temper & anger came back is such a few hrs being around my family. Its like I never left. It doesn't give me great hope that things will change when I'm @ home for good.


Yes Muff I do love them,but I still make them feel bad. My oldest plays games. Tells me how much she hates me, I'm the worst mom ever, she's going to run away, when she's 16 she's moving out, blah blah & my H tells me to ignore it. When I read in her diary that she wishes I went to hell & hates me, yes that hurts. I don't tell her it hurts, just that she's stuck w/us as her parents & no one will love her more.

Monte,
I do apologize almost every nite to them for being grouchy & always tell them that I'm just tired. I tell them every nite how much I love them. But I feel like I'm sending them mixed messages bec during the day I'm "evil mom" & @ nite I ask for forgiveness. That's got to be confusing to them. Every nite before I go to sleep I say that I'm going to try to be a bit better tomorrow, things won't bother me as much & I'm going to relax & enjoy this time. That never seems to happens & for almost 3 yrs this fall I keep asking myself for a bit of improvement while I watch these tender yrs fall away. It causes great regret. Intense sadness & great anger that I can't keep my dam mouth shut.
I'm the heavy in the family & do the discipline. I don't think I'm too strict compared to what I had growing up, but when the screaming starts & the amount of back talk I get over asking them to do a simple chore is unbearable. Then I end up yelling or walking out. H gets to come home from work & "play" w/them. They focus more on him bec he's more fun & less strict. I believe the kids should have responsibilities & I'm not their maid which is what I feel like; an employee. H seems to brush it off, then wonders why are kids are lazy.
Maybe I am asking them too much for their age. Pick up toys, put clothes away, learn to run the vacuum, set the table etc. Seems like most parents now a days do everything for their kids & I refuse to parent like that. I don't want incompetent children.

quote:

Maybe I am asking them too much for their age.

You may have hit the nail on the head right there Mudd. Your kids are demanding what you never got in a care free childhood. I'm sure you have talked about these problems too. There is a fine line there, me thinks.

I can see where your coming from though. As a child my mother done everything for me, too much. When it came to caring for myself, I was hopeless at it. The only thing I did know, was how to make my bed. But having said that much, that was the challenge of being a teen. It was part of the breaking away from the parents and discipline. I did curse mum for not teaching me stuff, but I survived the learning and for the most part enjoyed it.

Do you feel you should back off from it all and get to know who your kids are without too much anger floating around the house? I dont think you were given that either in your childhood. And that to me is your parents loss as well as your own.

Do you want to show your kids who you are, besides being a mum, and have some fun learning about each other? That is family to me Mudd. Catch it while you can.

Your anger from the past can be dealt with in therapy. You can have it both ways. Reconnect with your kids and make some good memories with them for everyone's sake, including your own.



"Do you fear their rejection? Do they sense that, and play on it?"

Is that worth looking at Mudd?

(((mudd)))
i really can't say much now, but wanted to add that perhaps you're being more hard on yourself than your kids are. i think muff and monte have really good starting points for you to consider. parenting is definitely not an easy task. i'm also thinking, if this is something you are really at odds with, that this is a really great opportunity to go over this in your therapy at the institution, and when you come back, too (i think i remember you saying you had a T lined up for your return). maybe some family counselling is in order? it's tough stuff (been through it in my youth), but can be very helpful.

as alway, i'm thinking about you ((((mudd))))

Muff


Do you want to show your kids who you are, besides being a mum, and have some fun learning about each other?

In a way I hope to never show my kids who I really am regarding my illness. I feel like I have to hide those horribly sad emotions from them bec they're so negative & they might blame themselves. They're only 8,5&3 yo. They're not ready for who I really am.
I do try to be the fun mom usually. I like to play games & cards which H hates. He likes the screen games. They have a special place in my studio where we keep a lot of art supplies so we can go in & create. Before I left we had a tie dye day. It was a huge mess for me to clean up but i know they have fun. Sometimes I let them on the pottery wheel; talk about a mess. But I know to enjoy it I have to let that part go. I can always drag a hose in if its really bad.
Then there are days I don't wanto do anything w/ them. I want them to leave me alone & play by themselves.


Do I fear their rejection? I'd say from my oldest. She's the one that hates me, has temper tantrums etc. I think she's not in tune to others. She doesn't read people's feelings @ all. She's typically self centered which comes w/ her age. She does try to say as much as she can w/o getting into trouble. She can sometimes sense when she's taken it too far. I think she likes to test our boundaries.


Monte,
I do appreciate any advice. I kno there's a lot of moms out there & a lot of adult children that've been hurt by their parents. The last thing I want to cause is any mental damage to my kids knowing that heredity features of depression are so strong in our family.
Yes it would b very nice if H jumped on board & I wasn't parenting by myself & taking care Of 4 kids instead of 3!
Before I left he & oldest DD were going @ it & he snapped. He smacked her across the face. She was being very mouthy. Normally I'd stand united w/ him but I thought this was over the top so I did comfort her. It left a mark & we were leaving soon for church. I felt so bad for her. I think it was humiliating to hit her in the face! He was pissed off & I did t wanto go charging in there to pic a fight so talking to him is like walking in egg shells. He said he lost his temper. It's happened before & I kno he worries about possibly hurting them so he goes in the other direction & doesn't really discipline. Not much help there.
I will try to ease back into it @ home. It's a terrible time to go home bec of the chaos of school starting & tempers run high. Hopefully I can calm some of them down & just be able to "hang out" for awhile.


CD
Thanks for the advice. I've touched on it a few times in T here & yes I have 2 T's lines up @ home that I'm looking forward to seeing.
My oldest DD sees a T, well not this summer, but when I'm home I have to find her a new one. She has a medical issue that can stem from mental stress. When I first took her to a T & the T told me she has great anxiety I was crushed to the core. First I blamed myself bec mental issues r from my side if the family & her medical issue was partly my causing bec I had no idea what I was doing & i made it worse so now she gets anxious. She's physically & verbally dominant. Very outgoing & extroverted, nothing like me. When I see her get anxious over these little things that are mountains to her it makes me ache. I want so badly to help her & take it away. On the other side of the spectrum we also feel she uses this as an excuse for negative attention. She can suck the life right out if a room w/ all this drama. I hate it & I hate that way it makes me feel. I know she'll get worse before she gets better. She needs to mature & catch up w/ her body. It's hard to remember she's only 8 when she can look me straight in the eye. Seriously she's 3" shorter than me & I'm about 5'3.5". She's a big girl.

I have a lot to think about. I'm bringing home a lot if baggage from here that I'm not thrilled about & many bad habits. I can't say this place did much good @ all for me. No miracles here.

Thanks everyone

You 'see' so much Mudd. Not every one can do that. It's hard getting the big picture about another's prob's, but you have painted that picture very well with your words.

There is a whole family involved with each individual suffering in some way. Too much for this one to advise you on any of it Mudd.

I guess we all have our own little corner of hell to struggle with the best we can.

I do hope things ease up for all of you Mudd.

Thanks Muff. I do appreciate the encouragement anyway. I guess we'll see how it goes