HIC -

I'm worried about this kind of stuff all the time.

I have some history that would indicate why I'm inclined this way BUT my personal opinion is it has to do with vulnerability. I'm always worried people will find out "who I really am" so it leads to all kinds of fears about being seen. The more shame I feel, the more I worry. I don't even like seeing people I know (even friends) in public while I'm alone - I walk around thinking "I hope no one sees me" as if shopping for shoes by myself is some sort of elicit activity. I know a LOT about computers and I still worry this is some way that everyone can see what I'm doing, too. Hypervigilance.

I'm hoping, at least for me (and maybe you also, if you want!) that as I feel less shame about myself these feelings will go away. I've talked to my Ts about them... and they haven't indicated it's any crazier than the rest of my crazy.

^_^ Cat

hic - Yeah, I have semi paranoid thoughts like that, about being spied on, having my privacy invaded, etc. That sort of paranoia led to my name/avatar change on here, even though I had no objective reason to believe anyone was being nosy. Just having that thought keep coming up was enough to make me change it, because I got sick of the anxiety. On occasion, I will get a really strange/bad one and a wave of anxiety, but I always know they are false and can wave them off. Every time I send T an email, I get scared I somehow accidentally typed in someone else's name and sent it without noticing. If the fear gets too bad and I don't remember seeing my T's name in the email, I'll go and check to relieve the fear. I don't think it necessarily indicates any special level of crazy for those thoughts to occur if one isn't actually convinced of the reality of the delusions in question (i.e. being unaware of the possibility that they might not be true).

Cat - linking it to shame is interesting. I never connected the two, but it makes sense. I also have a sort of fear/reserve about being seen doing essentially normal stuff at times. It makes sense.

I am the same. I write really deep stuff in my emails - ie crazy stuff and stuff that no one else is to know (SH and SU). Sometimes I thought i sent it to the wrong person and I have had a panic attack and nearly passed out as my body filled with adrenaline or whatever it is. I have double and triple checked.

I delete stuff from the computer, I have a complex system for filtering incoming emails so they get hidden and no one can accidentally find them.

I am vague in my postings on line, so I am not identified.

I have been thinking of using another email add for T to totally keep things separate. But it makes things less convenient....

I freak about this a lot
SD

Yep, count me in as one who knows that feeling of paranoia. Especially as my T has a really similar name to someone in my extended family. I always freak out that I've sent my email to the wrong person, even though I double check before I hit Send every single time.

What's really silly, though, is that I even do it when I'm replying to T. Like, his email address is already there automatically, but it makes no difference - I still do the whole freakout double check thing.

I do very little online because I just don't trust the privacy settings anywhere. Apart from the very occasional comment on one of the PSTD blogs I read, I only post here and in a US feminist politics forum - and I use different names in each so no one can connect the dots between them. Not that I think anyone would even bother, but still .... they might.

I've seen a lot of women get harassed online (especially feminists), and back in the days when I had a blog I got trolled a few times, and I just don't have the mental energy or the desire to deal with any of it. Besides, I have nothing worth saying so it's not like the internetz are any the worse off for my absence.

landa

Landa - everything you say here with us is worth saying and we want to hear you. Your absence from us would make us sad...
SD

Hi everyone,

Thanks for chiming in with your stories of similitude. Reading through this thread and realizing these thoughts are more common than I feared made me smile. I guess you never know until you ask, right?

Thanks again. Love you all bunches,
--me