lizzygirl:

oh my goodness....you have every right to be anxious about this....and you are not being "totally ridiculous"....I know for me, I always trust my gut, always have and always will...you did mention a "turbulent past in terms of abuse".....I am one to err on the side of caution....I would not want to wait until I had a gun in my face....but this message comes from an individual who is afraid of guns and would never have one in her home....not so sure that this post has been very helpful??

Thinking of you!

Lizzygirl,
It may just be a hobby, but it is a pretty big gamble, in my opinion, to just let it go at that. Having one gun would make me uneasy because I have strong opinions about them, and I know not everyone feels that way. Even so, with your H's abusive history, and this new obsession that really seems extreme to me (looking at them in the middle of night?), I think you have every reason to feel anxious about the situation. I agree with Sarah. Listen to your intuition!

Do you know of or can your T recommend a source (women's support center of some kind)where you could get some advice and maybe create a plan just in case?

Try to take care of yourself. I'm guessing you're feeling really scared and confused!!

Hi Lizzy,

I'm not surprised you're feeling anxious. What you write here worries me and I think it's worth taking very seriously.

I think Seablue's idea of getting in touch with a women's centre is excellent advice. I also want to say make sure you tell your T and any other professional you talk to ALL the details of the stuff that is worrying you, and if you don't think they get it, KEEP telling them. It doesn't matter if you seem paranoid, it matters that you are safe.

There were a few questions that came to my mind that might help you to clarify the present dangers, and clarify the info that might help your T (or anyone else) assess the situation:

- You said this obsession is sudden. Does your husband usually get obsessive about hobbies? Can you imagine him printing out info on fishing or cars or something in the night? That wouldn't be so unusual for my husband, for example, but I'd think it very worrying if he started it about guns from nowhere without that pattern.

- Have you noticed other behavior changes in this period?

- Does he talk to you or anyone else (a friend? a new friend?) about the guns, and what sort of things does he say about them?

-Is he watching or reading a lot of violent material?

- Is he or are you or both of you in a phase of drinking at the moment? I ask about you only because if it's around the house it could make things more volatile for you both.

- Is the relationship relatively stable at the moment?

-Does he know you are scared and what is his response to that? Has he made any effort to reassure you?

Lizzy, I don't think you are being ridiculous about this at all. I don't know what the answer is to your situation and I don't know how safe or not it might be. But I hope that these questions might give you a stronger sense of whether you want to move to protect yourself right now. You don't have to answer these here and now, but maybe they will help you with assessing the danger. Who knows, answering them might even help you feel safer.

I'm going to give you a strong opinion now, Lizzy: personally I think you have a right to live in safety, and a right to live without being in fear of your life. I DO NOT think that you should wait till you have a gun in your face. I think your husband is NOT making you feel safe, and whether or not some of that fear comes from your past experiences, you are not feeling safe NOW, and with good reason. I think that every day you live fearing for your life is a day you are being traumatized. And I think you deserve to be free of that.

It sounds to me from your message that you actually don't want to be in this situation. You've said in the past that you don't know how much is just your PTSD, but I look at it this way: PTSD happens when you have been in real danger. Your brain learns to protect you from real danger by giving you those fearful, vigilant reactions. It sounds to me that your brain is doing its job very well here. This IS the same guy who hurt you. He is not making you feel safe. Perhaps if you decide you can talk to him openly about it, you might find he can reassure you? But if you don't feel like it's safe to have that open conversation, then as the others say, it may be worth trusting your gut instinct.

Please keep writing about this LG, I would really like to hear that you are finding a way to resolve this situation and that you are getting more outside support with this. If your T is not hearing you properly, please reach out to others. You deserve to be safe.

(((((((((LG))))))))))

Jones

Jones,
thanks for your suggestions. I called my T last night in a panic as my husband was driving 2 hours to a gunshop to buy another shotgun.
We talked a bit. My T keeps telling me he can predict what will happen with this, he can diagnose my husband as to whether he has OCD about guns, and therefore he is not going to tell me to leave him. I cant leave my marriage right now anyway as I feel trapped in my life situation. I guess if my T really felt I was in danger, he would step up and do "something"
I dont know what. My husband hasn't done anything illegal, hasnt threatened me or anyone else. But I am still afraid that the possession of guns will only futher find me in a situation where I am being controlled and afraid to leave. My husband is somewhat obesessive with Fantasty baseball. He used to spend hours doing that, sometimes in the middle of the night. The guns have seemed to replace that for the most part. My husband is sober however he has a couple of slips recently that lasted 1-3 days. I do drink a couple at night to relieve my anxiety. So do I take reassurances from my T, which I want to do to feel safe, or do I listen to others who say danger is lurking? I remain vigilent

quote:

i

I meant my T cant predict and cant diagnose
sorry.

Hi Lizzy,

It's certainly an extremely difficult and complicated situation if you feel like you can't leave. But here's the thing: there's (almost) always a way to leave. If your house was on fire, you would find a way to leave if you possibly could. The thing is, you need to decide whether your house is on fire. I think it's possible that it is.

At the moment it sounds like you're leaving that decision with your T, and that seems pretty risky to me. I'm left wondering, from your words: is your T actually reassuring you, or is he just telling you that he can't give you an answer? You're assuming he would 'step up' and do something if he felt the danger was extreme, but do you know that he would? It's possible that he believes that it is ALWAYS the client's responsibility to make the decision unless your H is actively doing something illegal. That would be pretty common for a T.

I guess I'm saying, Lizzy, please don't wait for your T to rescue you. I'm sorry if that sounds really blunt. I hate hearing you be so quietly scared for your life. You could have a life without that fear. You are allowed to choose that, even if it means giving up a bunch of other stuff. Please keep looking for more feedback, advice and support. SB's idea of putting a plan together is a good one.

Thinking of you,

Jones

lizzygirl - oh sweetie, i'm so sorry - I'd be jittery and scared too.

Does your husband know how much this bothers you? It's clearly affecting you and clearly affecting your relationship with your husband, especially if you are thinking of leaving him about it. I can really understand why you are nervous and I agree to not leave it up to your T to do something, and yet it may not be time to panic. If your T is not really freaked out, there hopefully is good reason why your T is not more concerned. But T's are human, and you clearly are bothered by this. Your husband may 'just' be OCD or have an intense interest in guns like some people do with powerful cars or fast planes... the fact that he hasn't threatened anyone and stuff is a good thing.

If your husband knows it's affecting and scaring you - and he still does it - well, any husband who does a hobby that neagtvely impacts a relationship and does it anyhow - there's clearly stuff going on, guns or not. and that may just be stuff to work out.

What about talking with your T about how to talk to your husband about how this is upsetting for you? Just like a guy who spends so much time collecting cars in a way that would negatively impact his family? It may really just be a "replacement addiction" to the fantasy baseball - and no addiction is helpful to any relationship... (and yeah, a gun is different than a car collection or an addiction to fantasy baseball - owning a gun does carry more 'potential' to do harm than owning a fantasy baseball game...) and I hope your husband would be able to understand that too...

I think your T should be concerned about how this is affecting your relationship, no matter what the issue is, and especially if it is a gun collection. Maybe, like you, for T feels that it would be hard for you to leave the relationship - and yet I can't help but wonder if there wouldn't be so much potential to help this be a better relationship by working with your T about how to talk to your husband about this? I agree with Jone saying "But if you don't feel like it's safe to have that open conversation, then as the others say, it may be worth trusting your gut instinct." Keep getting and seeking support in figuring out if/how to talk to your husband and have a plan in place before you do about what to do if he get's defensive or agressive about it.

and I do agree that having a plan is a very good idea and getting connecte dwith a womens shelter is really really good. Even if you never have to use it - just knowing it's there and how you could, that alone might help you think through this and walk through it easier. I had to go to one once - and I was so glad for it. It was after something bad happened and if I hadn't know of them through a friend who had gone just a couple months before, I dunno where I'd be.

And don't ignore your gut... I don't think you are overreacting at all. I'd be really uneasy and scared too.

I dunno if anything I've said is helpful or harmful - but i'm so glad you are seeking out help and advice and support - keep sharing and connecting and do let us know how it goes please...

Lizzygirl, I have serious concerns for you. I would say if you are feeling this panicked by your husbands behavior then you need to do something. You mentioned some problems in your relationship, you mentioned his "different" behavior as of late. To me this is signaling a red flag. Do you get along well right now? Are the two of you fighting? If not, maybe you could suggest getting a large locking gun case because they make you nervous.
I understand if you can't see your way to leave, however, waiting for your T to tell you what to do may be too late. It doesn't sound like he is concerned at all even though you have told him that YOU are. I am a firm believer in doing what my gut tells me. Please, please, keep yourself safe at any cost. You are tthe main concern here - just you!

You have all given me good advise. My situation is so complicated. My T spoke with a colleage who expressed concern at the suddenness of my husband's obsession. My T finally came our and said, "if you were my daughter, I would tell you to leave. But you are not my daughter, so you have to make that choice" My choice is to stay. As I said my life situation is very complex and enmeshed with my H. We have a livestock farm with 30 animals. It take the two of us to run it. I can be replaced for a number of reason...the way we care for the animals, my specialized knowledge, the need to have me living there to provide this care 24/7. I do work off the farm
as well. There is no way we could afford for one of us to pay rent elsewhere and keep the farm going. My animals (alpacas) takes years to sell one because they are so valuable. Its not like we can round them up and sell them quickly. My husband doesn't want to downsize even though I have suggested this. This is his livelyhood as well as mine. My T and I talked this week about talking to my husband. I feel frozen that I cant express my fears to him. It would be like giving the enemy ammunition. He is a pretty good guy most of the time, but he is emotionally abusive, and can go into rages. I walk on eggshells and its exhausting. I have been in counseling for 4 years to deal with his alcoholism and the abuse. My T knows I wont leave him at this point. What am I waiting for?
Him to change...Im not expecting him to change for the better. I'm waiting for him to say he wants to stop farming, this could be 10 years from now, who knows. I dont think I can survive that long...I think the stress will kill me. I dont think I am in danger unless I do try to leave and since that's not going to happen anytime soon, I am going to try to accept his gun fascination as a hobby. Now if I see behavior on his part that is threatening to me or anyone else, I will have to do something. I wish he was back in counseling, or AA or something but he would get very upset if I try to convince him of this.