Hello.

This is my first time here .Sorry my spelling errors , english is not my first language.

I have been seeing T for about 3 years (with some pause ) and he has been great ,I was referred to him in a health clinic ,so I could get help for my child and be better mom ,i have no family support nad little freinds ..in the same tima he helped me and so now he is helping me and he helped me from depression, that is sitting home doing nothing, he asked me like you can go and do what you like what is it you like to do , and I went to college , and he was there helping me, I meet him sometimes 1 week or every 2 weeks and its free for me , as this is help for my child.
I got work and I could call to the clinic or send e-mail that I needed to talk to him and he would phone back.
This has chanced my life and I got 50 % work through my college.
Then in january 2011I got a shock in my work and it really knocked me down and I sank deep and deeper, until last October I was thinking about suicide and he helped me and in December my lowest of low I really tested our alliance and sendid him alot af e-mail , he was patient , and then I got little better in Jan and I did talk about this difficult time and he admitted that he was sometimes tired of all my mails and phone calls, but hen knew I was feeling bad, but in the end of jan I started again to feel so really bad and suicidal and tried to send him e-mail and told him how bad I felt and he did not reply and then I left the next day phonemesseage in the clinic to ask him to call me, but he did not, I just gave up hope , but we made contract if I felt so bad I wanted to harm me I should call him in his private mobile, and I have NEVER used that, but one night I was so sick of all I drank alot of alcahol and went out to "walk" and wanted to take some pills, all ready , but before I took the pills I went to walk and next hink I remember that I was sitting on the ground and did call him OMG I do not remember calling and I just heard him call my name on the phone, so there I was out somewhere near lake , where I like to walk not planning to call him or anyone, but the problem is he lives there nearby and I went to try to look for me and called the police, I understand he had to that.
But I did not let them find me , He tried for 2 hours to find me and talked to me and asked me to let them find me , it was cold and snow. I denied, and finally I promised to go home, and do nothing.
I felt so a shamed of my self to call him , and i was afraid he would finally dump me and see how hopeless case I am ..
So i called him next day and said sorry he said ok we talk in next session what was after 4 days.
But I felt so bad and shamed I sent him mail telling him how sorry I was and pleaded him not to dump me..

The session came and I was so afraid and so sure he had given up on me .. He WAS so ANGRY and asked if I knew where he lived (its small here and knew) but I used to walk there often ,because its very calming place, I started to cry like little baby and said I did NOT mean to call him or anybody , he said he was getting little tired if me like imposing my self in his personal life with e-mail and now almost killing myself near where he lived (not my thinking), maybe he could not handle me , it had taken me 2 years to finally trust him, and he always said there where 2 lives here ,mine and my child so he was not giving up on me nad I should belive him. .

I don't know if he was so angry because I was trying to kill me , or really he wanted to dump me. In the session after his angry talk he said then .. ok lets forget about this and continue our work and move on, we again put our contract in use, and if I was thinking and had no one to call I should call him in his mobile, and I can send him sometimes e-mail if I needed some push like for going to the gym or something like that.. , but now I am again afraid if trusting him , because I finally for the first time let myself trust someone and I have alot of traumas and abuse and depression, and always afraid he was going to dump me, and now I don't know what og how to handle this , I am so afraid to trust that he will give up if I say or do something wrong,, PLEASE can some one give me some opinion , am I paranoid or what ..