Okay, keep in mind that I am NOT a parent and am only going off my own experience as having been a teenager at one point....

I think it is very difficult for people, especially children, to admit that they are feeling embarrassed/insecure/shame. Its like the acknowledgement of that emotion brings on even more shame.

I think its possible that your daughter was uncomfortable with your focus on your daughter's feelings rather than her friend's action? I am not sure, that's just my uneducated guess. I do think perhaps she would have been more receptive to a comment like, "I hate when people do that. How did that make you feel?"

I don't think you did anything "wrong". I just think that its so difficult dealing with teenagers. They are so sensitive and tend to freak out when they feel they are easy to read, which could have been your daughter's interpretation when you named her emotions for her. She may have felt exposed...transparent...too visibly insecure which in turn made her feel more insecure? I think its worth some effort to experiment with your communication with her in the future...to see if asking her how she feels and probing rather than attempting to validate might work better with her?

In any case, I think you are a great mom for being concerned about how you communicate with your daughter and being interested in finding new ways to get through to her.

LG,

Well, not being a parent, you really had some great things to say. You are probably right about her feeling ashamed about being exposed. I felt so bad about the way I handled it as if I had these high expectations that she should act as an adult. I forget sometimes that she is still young and that even I at my old age feel insecure when someone seems really confident. I feel like I really missed the boat on that one and had a hard time connecting to her. It's so important to me that my kids feel that I am there for them and that I'm validating them and then when I miss the boat like that, I get so angry at myself. I never felt like I could talk to my parents and really want to do a better job.

And, so my 16 year old went away for the weekend with her friend and the friends family. I didn't tell T about the conversation posted above but just that she has been quiet with me and not as talkative. T said it's a good thing. She has to separate/individuate. I guess I just have to roll with it. I just WORRY so much that she won't know I am there for her or that it'll be too hard for her to come to me with the hard stuff.

And, so T left for his vacation and we had a crappy last session. I was really hoping that he would help me try to feel connected with him like STRM's lovely T while he was away but he didn't. He made a couple of suggestions BUT won't let me email him!!! The last time he went away, I couldn't admit that the break was going to bother me. This time, I felt as though I was being so mature by admitting my vulnerability. Yes, I understand that I will miss him and he won't miss me. Yes, I understand that makes me feel vulnerable. But then what? Live with it? Is there vulnerability in every relationship? Am I supposed to just accept that fact the sometimes things are unequal? Why does it have to be that I do all the loving and the needing and the missing in this relationship and it's the way it's supposed to be? I thought it was going to be safe in therapy to do all those things, to love and need and miss. He did tell me that it was okay to miss him. But that didn't really make me FEEL better. I really wanted to throw myself into his arms and cry and tell just how much I was going to miss him. And I didn't get to do that.

(((Liese)))

Regarding the parenting, Boo is really young, but I have siblings (19 and 20-year-old sisters, 14-year-old brother) and a 15-year-old niece, so I can see where you're coming from. I think both what you did and what you thought of doing afterward were part of an effective approach. It really depends on the kid which part to emphasize, in my opinion. For instance, my 20-year-old (yes, practically mine, as I may have actually been her AF although we're only 10 years difference) who is really outgoing, always 100% sure she's right and just bowls people over (even me) with her opinions. If I said, "How did it make you feel that your friend disagreed with you. I hate that!" she would just say, "Well, that person is stupid, so I don't actually care!" However, she responds really well to logical debate (in the long run...because she's stubborn about changing her opinion at the moment). My 19-year-old and my niece are more the type to feel very deeply hurt and to do the self-loathing thing (both a bit like me in that respect) and so talking about how that made them feel and them owning those feelings might be more useful. My little brother is somewhere in the middle (sounds like your daughter is too, good job!) and those are the hardest kids to know what they need at any given time.

I agree with your T that your daughter distancing herself is normal/natural, but know that it can be hard to deal with. I was kind of forcefully rended from my "kids" by my H's condition, so I know it hurts when it happens. But, you know what? At least a few times a month, when things are really crappy for them, each of my sisters still calls me and says, "What do I do about...?" or "Help me with..." or some such thing. And after what I "let" happen to them, that bond still endures somewhat. So, try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Just thinking through how you are parenting them shows you are a more attuned parent that most.

Regarding your T's absence, I'm sorry you weren't able to get what you needed. My T offered, "Don't worry, we'll still text and we can arrange a call if need be" over our short break, but you know what? He's been crappy at texting me back even though I've been falling apart for reasons unrelated to the break and despite me obviously being in a very bad place, he's not reiterating the offer for a phone call. So, I think it's better that they give us reasonable expectations than to try to be available when they might not be able to be there for us just as a part of the reality of their own self-care. I know it sucks, though. And it hurts knowing someone can mean SO much to you and to feel like you mean nothing. But...I would wager that we mean a lot more to our Ts than we think we do. I know, not as much as they mean to us or as much as we want to mean to them, but still...allow yourself to hear that you are NOT nobody to him. I honestly think most decent Ts would not work with a client under those sort of inhumane conditions. I know it hurts to not get what you want. I want, more than anything, to walk up to my T on Monday or Tuesday, put my head on his chest, have him embrace me, and just start crying, because being held is one of the only ways I can let go. Not going to happen. It hurts like hell. I really feel you there. It seems so unfair...

Hi Liese,

Again, I am not a parent but have had the experience of working with teenagers. I don't think you did anything wrong and I certainly don't think that you 'missed the boat'. I think it's great that you tried to talk about your daughter's feelings but I agree with LG that she may have been embarrassed about this and perhaps expecting you to agree with her feelings of being annoyed with her friend. Sometimes if we don't get the response we were looking for we can turn defensive instead of hearing it out for a different perspective. I think its great you took the time to try and talk to your daughter but like LG says teenagers can be particularly sensitive especially when it comes to friendships.

I'm really sorry you had a crappy session with your T just before he left for vacation I think its great that you were able to be open about your feelings surrounding his leaving but I also know how painful it is to know that the feelings won't be reciprocated in quite the same way and that it has left you feeling no better. I think when we let ourselves be really vulnerable with someone it can take some getting used to before receiving the benefits but I think this was a really huge step. I hope the break isn't for too long. Be gentle with yourself.

Hugs
Butterfly

YAKU and BUTTERFLY,

Thank you for your replies. They were really helpful. I have read that kids who come from families wherein they talk about emotions and label emotions do better in real life later on than kids who come from families wherein they don't to those things. So that was kind of my angle when I was trying to get her to take a look at herself instead of just blaming her friend, who might, in fact, be a bulldozer. It's so hard to talk about emotions when everyone seems to feel so ashamed having them in the first place.