do you ever just want to live in a hole?? to move to montana?? will my/would my problems just follow me??

medicine, sleep, escape...that is all that holds appeal for me lately.

i don't think there is enough therapy in the world to get me over all this. i know there are many success stories out there, and i am thrilled to read them, but, did y'all that have succeeded through this ordeal really arrived at a place not even imaginable during the storm??

i actually ponder how many years left on this earth i have, and if, on a profit/return type analysis, it is worth it?? but, can i stuff all the worms back in the jar?? once the top is off?? can i live in the same denial i lived in for the first part of my life before therapy?? i am miserable, and i can't tell anyone. even my husband can't take it right now, and he deserves a break from all the shit i seem to bring around me.

is this borderline, or just fing depression.

hell.

medicine!! something!! sleep. f. jill

i can't fake a hug. i did that at Easter, and i can't do it this time. numb. that is what i want to be. numb. fing numb. sleep walking. i hate the model of parenting i am doing. what a shitty relationship with parents i am modeling, and i can't tell my kids why. not now. when they are adults, perhaps, but not now. just stomach it, jill. and stomach the holidays.

why is it i have always had to stomach them. i have cut back alot, but there will be a few times a year i have to do this. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f. f.

f.

jill

Hi Jill,
I'm so sorry for how much pain you're in. Having to deal with our family of origin can be so difficult and painful. But how would it feel for you to NOT fake anything? To act how you feel, to not hug them if it makes you uncomfortable? A bad dynamic is set up in an abusive childhood which is that the relationship becomes all about the abuser's needs. Children learn to be caretakers in the hope that if they take good enough care of their parents, they can finally get taken care of. We often continue doing this as adults. You're an adult now and it's ok and even healthy to allow your behavior to be guided by your needs and your feelings.

And I do want to tell you that your children will probably not need to be told anything by you. As my children grew, they came to realize what kind of people my parents are by watching their behavior. We can think that the dysfunctionality is difficult to see because we grew up with it, and knew nothing different plus it so threatening to us to see and acknowledge. Your children on the other hand, growing up with a loving mother and being given what they need, will be much quicker to see the problems in your parents. And I really admire you for putting your children's needs ahead of your own need for comfort.

And Jill, it's not borderline or depression, it's a deep healthy need to protect yourself from people who have injured you many times.

AG

monte,yes, thanks for the reminders of what i do do for them..it helps, as sometimes when things get tough, i think i am doing a repeat, so thanks so dearly for the reminder.

pg, yes, weed-killer. hmmmm, i am pondering that thought. i like it too, one i haven't thought of.

ag, i am in the midst of the 'luncheon' and i gave myself permission to not hug. so thank you for what you said. yes, the lying is so secondhand. you understand this well. oh i like having my behavior guided by my feelings. that is the truth, something i have not lived until now. i will not hug...her anyway. thanks for your reassurances, ag.

i am doing well so far, clonozapin is a wonder drug, like two brews, without the calories!

oh, a few more hours, then dinner with the 'perfects'...i have managed to learn what to say when they ask about something i don't want to talk about...learned this one from my mil, 'why do you ask'...don't know that i can pull it off like she did...the prim arrogance and all.

half way through it. thanks for the break, all!! jill

done...they left early, two and a half hours of unease. quick nap to shake off the rx, then off to this bible study/dinner with the perfects, gotta brace myself for this, another rx may be in order. lots of topics to dodge....down to the proverbial 'how are you'..."uh, well, medicated and enduring as best i can" doesn't quite sound right...still working on this...i got time to figure this out though...two hours...then monday!!

kind of in jest on this dinner tonight, the lunch, yes, hell, but most of these are so much more interested in how they are doing that i think i can deflect and ask them about their 'darlings' latest accomplishment and pretty easily fill the evening. life IS more than this, isn't it, friends?? jill

getting tougher...you know, endurance is something i do have, i endured 18 years. looking at the stars at night to put my problems in perspective.

the lunch was the tougher. just proximaty to my mother is painful. it is weird to admit to myself how appathetic i am to their life. hard to admit, but the denial of that truth really was harder. so, i am not acting on it, but, it is true. i don't thing there will be sadness when she passes...perhaps reassurance that it is true?? hmmmm, that doesn't sound like a 'good girl' there, does it.

i can handle not being thought of as a 'good girl'....so, a year into therapy, i guess that, as silly as it sounds, is progress.

yea, what of it. take me or leave me, this is what there is.

bring it on.

and the sister?? well, if i never see her again it will be too soon. apathetic would be too nice a word to a sa-ing schizophrenic sister. whew!

what a childhood i denied having.

i rant, but i am so glad to be done with that, been dreading it, knowing it would happen, for months. no eye contact by me to my mom. nothing, not going there. dead, that is where i want to be to her, dead.

ah, it is over, now if i could somehow dodge thanksgiving!!

on to dinner with the perfects. i am going to try to not dissassociate, mindful, try. this is the area where i completely leave the room when the conversations get tough. gone, all that is left is a smiling, nodding skeleton of me. clonozapin. jill

ugh jill...sorry about the horrendous day. If there is one thing I absolutely hate, it is dinner with the perfects. (you made me laugh, though.) Hope you survived. Let us know!

BB

i survived. almost out the door of the perfects, and ms. perfect stops me as i am leaving and asks the one question i don't want to talk about. i blurt things i don't even remember....the leave, shaken.

i want to hide under a rock. no questions asked. no one to hurt me.

skewed, i am. i hear. whatever. skewed, i will be.

thanks for the encouragement all. just seems like life shouldn't be from one dreaded activity to another, y'no?

where is the joy? is that true, joy? skewed.

jill