quote:

Originally posted by Amazon:
Hiya,
I just admitted recently to myself and today to my therapist that my transference is not as pure/ideal/platonic as I would like it to be. It is also erotic at times.
I told him that I love him today. Somehow the ground didn't shake, which nearly disappointed me. I also told him that I definitely would like to have sex with him if he wasn't married and wasn't my therapist.
Still the ground didn't shake. Sort of liberating in a way. Achievement? Sort of scary now to have it done and sorted. Is there anything else I can say to him?
I hope there is and there will be. It is all dynamic isn't it?
It's interesting, when I said about the child's love I was sitting with both my feet on the ground. When I started to talk about the erotic part of the transference and me wanting to have sex with him, I crossed my legs and sort of felt more equal to him. It felt really good to see him absolutely cool about these revelations.
Did you have similar experience?
What was it like to say 'I love you'?
What was it like to say 'I would like to have sex with you'?
Is it the moment of Pandora's box opening?
Just wondering what kind of experience was it for yourselfs.

Hey Amazon, are you being real?
did you really seriously said all that to your T? right in fron of his face? and no reaction from him?

I think it's either he was pretending like he is cool about everything becuase he didn't want to panic in front of you or he had that experince before with female clients. Which means he knew that you are just going through phases...

Or he might be good at seducing female clients...

I am more interested in what you guys talked about and how your T handled it after what you said to him.

I did have experince saying to my counsellor that I think I am in love with him. well, I wrote in my journal. Then I denied it right away becuase I knew it can't be real.

But it took me a few months to figure out that I did fall in love him. Everytime people commented that we had relationship, I completely denied it and it just freaked me out.
I was feeling really yucky and I knew something wasn't right.

However I wanted to request him something crazy.
There were so many times that I was so close to ask him to kiss me or if I can kiss him.

I am pretty open with my husband. I even asked him what he thinks about that idea and he said
"You are crazy, you can't do that to your counsellor and he won't do it"

I knew that I could get in big big trouble and I didn't have guts to ask for kiss from my counsellor right in front of his face.

I knew that he was going to run away.
oh boy...

I've been complaining about my counsellor and now I am reveling the stuff that I am so shameful of...

I guess I do need help.

funny thing is that, if he ask me to come to his place right at this moment. I think I'll be right there.

oh my gosh, how crazy is this???

I mentioned about my counsellor used my password and came to my e-mails and all that.
what made me really angry. Espeically when I found out he has deleted his e-mails. The ones he wrote. That triggered me big time. If he didn't do that. I was going to walk away and live my life peacefully. But I don't think he wants me to go away.

yeah, yeah, yeah...
all these crazy talking...

I am just not done venting. not even close...

anyways, Amazon, I think you are crazily brave to tell your T about loving him and wanting to have sex with him. Did you get kicked out?
what heppened next???

Hi Amazon,
First off I want to say how very brave you were to talk so openly with your therapist. And it sounds like he was able to hear it and discuss it and keep it about you and your feelings. And you're right, you expect something so dramatic to happen and it turns out it's just you expressing how you feel. Which is what it should be, you being able to talk about any and all of your feelings safely. I'm really glad you took the chance and even happier that it sounds like your T reacted well.

I have told my T both that I loved him and wanted to have sex with him among a lot of other things. The first time I spoke to him about my feelings about him I basically told him I was attracted to him. He was very welcoming and accepting of my feelings while making it very clear that I was safe and the feelings wouldn't be acted on. That led to me working with him individually and several months after working with him, I told him that I loved him, I posted about that at A General Theory of Love book discussion

Later, I went through a period where the erotic attraction was extremely strong and I ended up spending a whole session talking to him about it and its a subject we occasionally return to. I posted about that appointment in Losing my Grip

(Forgive the links but it just saved a lot of typing. )

At this point there really aren't any feelings I haven't discussed with my T. Googling him, wanting more than I can have, wanting him to be my father, getting angry that his family sees a side of him I never get to, being terrfied of leaving him, struggling to get between appointments, not wanting to leave him, you get the idea I'm sure.

One thing has been consistently clear throughout our relationship. He has told me time and again that any and all of my feelings are welcome in his office, and may be freely discussed so that I can understand myself. None of them will be acted on and he has promised me that he has the boundaries, and nothing will happen between us outside of therapy in his office. (OK, sometimes I haven't been that happy about that. Although in the long run, I have very profoundly experienced just why it was so important for him to hold those boundaries. I would have been terribly damaged if he hadn't.) It has never become about him, his feelings or even his ego. He maintains a really good balance about it the feelings being real but not all about him. He's very experienced and I know this isn't the first time he's been through this with a patient. I am grateful beyond my ability to express how well he's handled all this.

I have never gotten any hint that his feelings for me go beyond those appropriate for my therapist. If there is anything more (which I really don't believe) he keeps it under tight wraps. He refuses to make therapy about anything other than my feelings and needs and the man has non-defensiveness down to a fine art.

As far as the pandora's box, I will tell you that there was a real sense of relief being able to be open about my feelings and it can sometimes really lessen the intensity. But sometimes it can come back stronger than ever. BUT by continuing to go back and discuss my feelings as they come up (and for the last six months or so, I have been very focused on our relationship) is how I have been able to understand myself and my beliefs and make the changes and heal the way I have. It can be very difficult, chaotic, painful work but its really really worth it in the end.

AG

Herewego
Yeah, it is mad and I must be mad to say to a guy (married guy) that if he wasn't married and wasn't my therapist I would have sex with him.
I feel great about being this mad
I was also ashamed of having this kind of feelings about him, but I am so ashamed anymore. Who cares? What's the big deal?
He didn't freak out or panic or looked embarrased or did anything that would suggest that he enjoys me saying this about him. He was just cool and natural and I began almost began to feel that way too.
Besides what I really want is not to have sex with him. I just want to love him as my therapist, and just that.

Besides, It's good to be a bit crazy. Let yourself be crazy and mad and enjoy it. Normal is boring. I think somebody on this forum wrote:
'I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it'.
Well, I loved it. I bet ya, many people would think that I must be slightly or seriously insane that I'm seeing a psychotherapist. Well, tough, I kind of enjoy my psychotherapist so

Eventually I want back to the question of a hug. I told him that surely now, that he knows it's sexual on my side, there is no way I am ever to get a hug of him. He laughed and I just felt good about it.

quote:

I have told my T both that I loved him and wanted to have sex with him among a lot of other things. The first time I spoke to him about my feelings about him I basically told him I was attracted to him. He was very welcoming and accepting of my feelings while making it very clear that I was safe and the feelings wouldn't be acted on.

Hi AG
That's probably why I also dared to tell all this. I kind of feel it's safe and I can love him as much as I want. However I was so afraid for past few weeks, and felt that I must be so miserable to him with all this shaking and crying.

quote:

At this point there really aren't any feelings I haven't discussed with my T. Googling him, wanting more than I can have, wanting him to be my father, getting angry that his family sees a side of him I never get to, being terrfied of leaving him, struggling to get between appointments, not wanting to leave him, you get the idea I'm sure.


As far as the pandora's box, I will tell you that there was a real sense of relief being able to be open about my feelings and it can sometimes really lessen the intensity. But sometimes it can come back stronger than ever. BUT by continuing to go back and discuss my feelings as they come up (and for the last six months or so, I have been very focused on our relationship) is how I have been able to understand myself and my beliefs and make the changes and heal the way I have. It can be very difficult, chaotic, painful work but its really really worth it in the end.
AG

Yep, that is probably where I'm heading to. It feels so rosy for the moment, but I think it could get complicated and difficult. I imagine I will go through different emotions. I'm afraid even that I may feel slightly disappointed with thim at some stage (since he is not really a perfect human being). But I also hope that at the bottom of all I will just love him.


Hummingbird,

I'd love him to be perfect man, perfect therapist, but is it realistic? I doubt now in his perfection. I love him and I will love him, but will he be perfect? I suppose that's also transference, that I expect him to fail me, the way my father did. And I hope to love him despite of this.

Hi Amazon.

Well done! You are a much stronger person than I am. From what you've said you've had an inkling about those feelings for a while. I don't know how strong they are in comparison to mine but even though I went back to my ex-T in order to bring some closure on such feelings, I just couldn't spell it out. I was too hard. I love(d) him too much, I felt too embarrassed to tell him my "silly, imaginary" feelings. I just didn't and still don't think they're realistic and yet it still hurts. He pushed me to tell him, not to put pressure on me, but IMHO, to give me the closure I desperately wanted.He always knew if there was something I wanted to say. However, I just couldn't say it. He understood, said "it's too difficult isn't it?"

If I were to have been honest it was all consuming, erotic, about a father figure, companionship, someone who had time for me- a male who treated me well and cared for me. I could go on. So, in reality, maybe I never got to be completely honest with him. But I think he knew what was going on to an extent.

Mrs. P