***triggers re: church ickiness***

I went to the pastor and self proclaimed "spiritual director" to talk about spiritual stuff a hand full of times (7?) over the past 4 years. He has been ok and helpful in the past.

I recently told him I don't want to talk now because I found his questioning of me confusing... something new I didn't understand... his voice was semi-ok, but all his body language was tense... and he would question me, but the same questions and then cut me off 3 words into answering...

Everything about him told me he was mad at me but unwilling to say what the problem was. I flat out asked. He sad he was just trying to "understand." I told him I didn't want to talk for now, I needed space, and to please not email me. So he called my mother in another state... 1000 miles away... I'm an adult... even past traditional college age... and he freaked out my mother - I didn't understand why, but she told him to leave her alone... and he agreed.

He told me and my mother that I was welcome at the church any time. Adamantly. He told me I needed to "figure some stuff out" and he would be "avoiding you." I didn't know what he meant and didn't ask. Two weeks later, somehow, he kept calling and contacting me - no messages. So much for avoiding me. he then copied me on an email to my mother again oldly assuring her I was wlecome at the chiurch. I alled and said I don't want to be copied on emails - it is too triggering (and it is) and he said ok. He kept calling, no message. I called him and told him I felt mad about that in a vm message and that in counseling my T and I had been working on setting clear boundaries andstating what I want. I told him if he wants to talk, then phone or meetin would be fine but emails are triggering from him and others (my old T terminated on email) and my counselor suggested I shut down my account if needed to stop the emails and request a meeting in person. 15 minutes later he emailed me say I'm no longer welcome at the church - no reason given - and to not have any contact with him or any member of the church.

I have good friends in the church. If it wasn't for that... if it was just about him... I would be fine with a break from him.

But this is forever - no contact with anyone.

And no reason given.

I'm freaking out. Again.

I bounced his email back to him. He had a person who attends the church email me saying I needed to respect the decision of the pastor.

Wtf?

Kicking me out of a church on email? Ok... I don't want to go back now anyhow... but then saying I can't contact friends and no reason given?

I feel like I must be the most horrible disgusting person. I gave one friend the email - who is shocked. Really upset at the pastor about it. She was like... "he doesn't even give you a reason. He can't do this."

I have tried to settle about it since getting the email a few days ago. This morning I woke up with texts from a church volunteer coordinator telling me to check my email. I had asked 4 weeks ago to be taken off email lists and I had asked two weeks ago that the SD/pastor not email me and no one email me but call, bc I wasn't getting emails and it is not a good way for me to communicate (my T suggested this).

But now, 7am texts waking me up to tell me to check email.

Only to be told again, I'm kicked out - they told me, you need to read the email and respect Kevin's boundary to have no contact - and then copied the email.

Um, I have not been contacting him or anyone but the one friend who freaked out and I'm not doing email!

I'm the worst person.

I am so freaked out. Why is he doing his?

Complete abuse of power, by a church leader who tried to counsel me I guess... of me, a girl who can't handle people very well sometimes... apparently not well enough to be in a church, just left alone...

I get so freaked about abandonment... now I have a self proclaimed pastoral counselor breaking every boundary (ok the only boundary) of mine asked for (no email) to repeatedly email me in many ways to tell me he is suddenly abandoning me and telling friends I have to have nothing to do with me ... and without giving a reason!

I trusted him, at least a little...

I am freaking out...

Hurting really bad. No means NO! No emails! Stop!

I can't even tell him to stop - then I would get more emails saying I'm not respecting his boundaries.

I did respond to the texts asking to not be emailed. Texts! Not even a phone call? What the heck?

I feel so awful. This guy is triggering me like crazy. Stop. I miss friends badly. I don't know how I'd walk into a church again... I don't even care. I feel like the most disgusting person on the planet... my heart is shattering...

I just need the emails to stop. They are hurting. I have even volunteered with that church for a long time helping others and loved doin that...

6 weeks ago this SD said trust him and others to help me move, I risked and did...

This hurts so bad...

What did I do wrong? I've been like excommunicated... and I don't even know my so called "sin." I just didn't want more confusing one on one contact with this SD right now. No more counseling. Just be the pastor not the counselor. I already have a counselor. He said he was trying to be my counselor and I said I already have one.

I hate me.

~ jane