Hi RedTomato,

Touch is such a hard topic for most if not all of us. My T uses a little bit of touch with me but he's also adjusted where he sits in relation to me. He used to sit in his chair and I on the couch but his chair was higher than the couch and it felt weird like he was looking down at me. Sometimes, it felt a little threatening. So now we sit on the floor and it feels much better. He will also adjust how close he sits to me and having he sit just a couple of feet away as opposed to 5 or 6 feet away helps me to feel safe. We have done these steps after a lot of talking. It sounds like you need to at least talk to your T about how much it's bothering you now. Maybe she can make some kind of adjustment that might help without involving touch.

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Sometimes, because I do receive touch but don't feel it is appropriate to discuss (so I don't trigger others) the "taboo" feeling makes me wonder about the appropriateness, also. This is something I've brought up with my therapists and it's lead to further clarification and comfort in our boundaries and work in that frame.

I have a lot of trouble talking in detail about how touch is used in my therapy and that has leaked into a sort of taboo feeling for me as well. T and I talk about that a lot, about it being OK and safe, not experienced as bad for him, and perfectly OK the way it is being used (which is mostly in working with younger parts who want it). It's a very confusing thing to me, because there is a lot division inside over really wanting/needing it vs having an extremely avoidant, even sickened reaction to not just touch, but closeness in general. However, I've seen kind of a balancing out of that lately, where there is more acceptance on each side of the differing feelings...which, I guess means I'm tolerating the ambivalence well enough, due to the safety. I think I could have healed without touch, but as it's intertwined with issues I have with needing and receiving, it has worked out very well to have safe, comforting touch (and sometimes simply closeness) with my T. I still fight with it feeling like "too much" or an invasion, like I am toxifying him somehow, at times. But, it has gotten progressively better...just really slowly.

Talking about it is definitely the way to go, and taking as much time as you need. T and I were discussing it, in one way or another, for months before we ever incorporated it.