SB, yes absolutely. This is an enormous issue for me. Am just about to sleep but will try and write something coherent tomorrow.

Am sorry you struggle too.

I can relate, i feel like that too.

T and I have worked a lot on helping my perfectionist inside tone it down a bit. T had/has something similar so she is really good at helping me identify and work w/ it.

Thanks Mallard - I'm just beginning to face this issue (though not with my T - just noticed it myself when I was trying to untangle my thoughts yesterday). I'm sorry you have the same issue to deal with.

Hi Catalyst - thanks for your reply. How did your T help you with it? Do you just have to tell yourself not to feel the way you feel?

Perfectionism is so frightening - the only place is extreme effort to be that good, or a fall-from-grace into a pit of rubbish. (This is how it feels - not actually how it is, I know). I'm tired of trying so very hard. I want to be rubbish and loved anyways.

Sapphire-very-blue

oh yes - It's even harder when it moves from you to your expectations of your children. I know I don't want them to suffer like I do but I find it really hard not to find some sense of my worth in how they do. I know they feel a lot of pressure from me for perfection. When I see them struggle I am horribly ashamed of my desires.

Hi Draggers - good point. I judge me very harshly - and just assume others see me the same way... on a good day I know they aren't remotely interested (lol)

Jillann - I think that is a common struggle isn't it? Really we do love them whatever they do - but our own stuff can get in the way at times.


I'm doing a bit better this week (I think?). Most of my perfectionism is aimed at my study life. I get fantastic grades (I'm doing a degree) but then, if it's still distinction, but not top-end distinction I feel really bad. Working on an assignment today and the same meticulous working patterns... however, other areas of my life are less 'perfection bound' and I've found ways to relax my personal 'rules'. Little steps eh?

SB

SB, I feel your pain. My perfectionism is also aimed at my study life, although it ruled other aspects of my life once.

It's completely arse-backwards but doing well actually makes things worse for me. I get into a tortuous loop where I spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to do the best job I can on an assignment but then the prospect of dropping below the benchmark I've set fills me with crippling fear of 'failure'. Then the fear becomes paralysing. So I have to put in ever-increasing amounts of effort to get past the fear to reach the same level.

It makes no sense, since assignments are a completely arbitrary way of judging someone's ability at a subject, particularly a vocational subject like mine. And really, the whole point of an assignment is just going through a process to learn some stuff. The grading is just a check.

Try telling my inner perfectionist that though.

Oh Mallard, I'm just the same!

The fear of not making my personal (ridiculously high) benchmark stops me starting... I'm meant to be working on an assignment right now, but I'm trying to quell to fear that my effort wont be good enough.

My assignments all count to my degree classification - so it does actually matter, to make it worse. I feel such shame when I 'fail' and then even more shame when I know my 'failure' would be someone elses dream grade (self-hate really high just writing this).

Right. I'm off now to try to do a good enough job on my latest piece of work.

SB

Yeah, my grades count towards the overall classification too. I guess what I think intellectually is that a classification can't actually really say anything about how I will go on and perform and develop in my profession. There are incredibly talented people in my class, who I am in awe of - but either don't need the validation that a 'good' result brings or just aren't into writing academically. I would far prefer to just be ok and less stressed but find it difficult to set the behaviour aside.

Personally, I have traced it back to it being very important to get things right around my family. There is a culture of 'achievement' in my family but also some quite rigid rules and expectations of what young kids could process and understand that are nothing to do with book learning and everything to do with being perceived as a good child. I get very anxious if I feel some thinks I am not trying hard enough and this is related strongly to the perfectionism.

SB, does yours extend to thinking you have to do it all by yourself? Do you struggle asking for help when the work gets tough. I suck at that!

Good luck with yours!

Hi Mallard,

yeah - rubbish at asking for help. I'm not keen on anyone knowing I'm struggling - although I did lean, carefully and briefly, on a friend this week (it is progress!!!)

I think maybe I could get some measure of acceptance for achievements - as it made my mother look good... but ultimately I think it also made her jealous? confusing really. I never feel 'good enough' - despite the evidence that I am just fine.

My degree classification will get me on a phd program - which is what I want to do (genuinely). So, I do have reason to want that first class (I live in England).

SB