Hi Dharma,
I know an enormous amount about my T both because he does do some personal disclosure (when its in my best interests, not to serve his needs) and because I've done serious research on Google (which I did eventually tell him I did). I don't know much about your background but for people with extensive trauma in their background or attachment disorders, personal disclosure on the part of the T can be really important to their healing. Forming a trusting alliance with a therapist is often extremely scary for a person with this background and the "blank slate" approach can make it almost impossible. So most therapist who work extensively with trauma victims will allow more self disclosure to allow the client to be reassured that they really are trustworthy. Which I think is what you've described. That learning about your T made it easier for you to trust her, and being able to trust her is also what allows you to do the work you need to heal. My T has a favorite saying that you need to "feel safe enough to be scared." It's very natural to want to know more, there is so much inherent ambiguity in the theraputic relationship which can make it difficult to believe in its reality and sometimes some knowledge of our T can help that. I believe it only becomes problematic when you know enough about them that the relationship starts to become about their needs.

AG

Hi Dharma,
Did you ever asked her any personal questions and she didn't want to answer?
I don't think knowing some personal stuff about the therapist can be harmful, but that depends what kind of stuff and how much probably.
From what I've read psychodynamic therapists are not blank slates since they do talk a lot and they can also disclose something about themselves if they think it can be helpful for their client. That makes a lot of sense since it is supposed to be a relationship.
I asked my T if he would answer a personal question and he said he would. I am not asking a lot of these kind of questions, since I don't want to know. I don't want to know cause my (unfortunately) erotic transference is making me jealous about his marriage and I will need to admit that one day.
Did you think of talking to her about what you know about her or anything you are curious about?
My favorite kind of personal information about my T are his feelings and thoughts about me. I love when something I would say is making him laugh.

I think the general rule must be something like that: if the therapist wants to stay hidden it will cause even more curiosity about his/her personal life. If he/she agrees to share something it may not be so important anymore?

AG, Amazon, Echo & FOT:

Thanks for your feedback. I feel comfort in your responses. I’ve been debating whether or not to pose the same question to my T, but need to thoroughly think it thru before I do (as usual). It’s very rare for her to disclose something about herself and says she only does it when she thinks it will help. She knows I’ve googled her and eventually I reveal everything I know, so it’s not a secret between us. I’m actually glad I obtained information about her on my own because it would have confused me about our relationship if she told me herself. Everything I know about her is good and it has even helped me to understand things about myself, so if I didn't find out I would have missed out on addressing some important issues. Currently she is revealing more about herself, but at this point in my therapy there is nothing she can say to confuse me about our relationship. Its been a struggle, but I feel I’m in a good place with her right now. It’s an incredible feeling and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

A few sessions ago she asked me a question that confused me. I can’t remember the words exactly, but it was something like “what is this relationship” – referring to our relationship. My initial thought was to say that she was my therapist and I was her client, but I didn’t understand why she was asking it so I didn’t respond. Maybe she was trying to see where I was so if she talked more she would know that it wouldn’t confuse the way I saw our relationship. Who knows . . . sometimes I think too much. I should be talking to her about this, but I know if I bring it up she won’t remember.

D~

Recently my T and I went through some of the personal info she has disclosed and whether it helped or hurt our relationship. That wasn't easy to do but I didn't want to tell her to not tell me anything about herself at all. It is this tricky fine line: knowing enough about her so that she is real to me and not knowing too much about her so that I don't feel safe. I spent one session just asking her questions about her life and then I would try to explain how each of her answers made me feel. I didn't ask her anything really deep or personal but it was an interesting exercise. Most of her info didn't really affect me at all and the stuff that did wasn't anything obvious. So it is hard to tell what will help and what won't. Better for T's to err on the side of too little personal disclosure I think because once the bell has been rung you can't unring it.

As far as looking for more information, I did that with my former T and didn't find much of anything. So far there is no inclination to do that with my current T.

Free: What you said really rang true with me. Sometimes my former T’s disclosures led me to believe maybe I was special to him, and that a door had been opened to a different type of relationship when really it wasn’t. Even though I was doing lots of reading about transference, and trying to keep reality in check by believing he was doing it to encourage transference for the purposes of the therapy, the hope was there that he “secretly“ thought I was special. He said he was going to help me through the feelings, so I kept going...and now I wish I hadn’t.

Dharma and River: Your T’s sound very conscientious about their disclosures, like they are really watching themselves to make sure they’re not harming you. I think their humility means you are in good hands. Unfortunately the T’s who really need to reign themselves in aren’t likely to ask these questions.

Overall I think T's need to make sure they only reveal personal information when it is for the good of the patient, and not indiscriminately, for their own needs, or in such a way that it’s going to confuse the patient. They should be especially careful when there is (or could be) romantic/sexual attraction toward the T, and always be aware that most of us want to please them in some way. It is fine line to walk but such an important one.

My former T revealed a lot of his personal opinions, preferences, and tastes. Sometimes they were in line with my own, but sometimes they were in direct opposition. This definitely made the therapy less effective in that it directed the conversation back to himself and sometimes gave me the feeling he wasn’t hearing or seeing me. Sometimes he took up quite a bit of time with this. But I didn't protest too much because I enjoyed listening to him. The few times I mentioned his preferences he seemed surprised that he said that and that I remembered. So it seems he wasn't aware of how much he was revealing.

Sometimes his revelations confused me. For example, one time we were discussing how I have mood swings, and at one point he mentioned that he usually goes out with girls who are "roller-coastery", probably because that’s the way he is too. Now, in the context, I think this was supposed to reassure me that he didn’t think less of me because I have mood swings. But it also sounded like he was saying we have that in common, and that I’m the kind of girl he usually goes out with. So I also wondered, does that mean he has feelings for me? The attraction I was feeling for him gave this a possible double meaning that confused me. And by that time, he knew I was attracted. So he probably shouldn't have said this.

Also, there were many times he seemed to be playing a game, where he’d reveal just enough personal information so I’d ask for more, so he could turn around and tell me no. Kind of a bait and switch thing. If I didn’t ask right away, he’d do it again. At the time, I thought he was doing this for the purposes of the therapy, to see where I was in the transference spectrum. But now I think he just wanted to enjoy my being interested in him, trying to meet his own needs for being liked and admired. Kind of ticks me off now when I think about it. I don’t think T’s should play these kind of games at all.

There was exactly one half of one session where he didn’t do any of this. It really stood out. Afterward, I had a curious feeling of sadness (where was he today? I missed him) mixed with relief (I finally got to talk and be heard without him taking over). I wrote about it in my journal and always wanted to ask him, “Would you please do more of that?” which was basically just listening to me. But for some reason I found it too hard to bring up.

My current T has revealed some personal information in the context of what we are talking about, to let me know she understands how I’m feeling, or to let me know how she has dealt with a similar situation. For example, last session we were talking about how I could relate to my mom to let her know when she has hurt my feelings, and my T gave an example of how she has done this with her own father. So far, the personal information she has revealed has definitely made the therapeutic relationship more effective and has not confused me at all. And as far as personal opinions, preferences or tastes, she either never expresses them, or maybe I don’t notice because they’re so much more in line with my own than my former T’s were. And there’s not the romantic/sexual attraction to give anything a possible double meaning. I’m relieved not to have to contend with that. And she never plays games with me, “tests” me or enjoys my attention for her own personal satisfaction.

Happy New Year! I hope this turns out to be a productive year for all our therapies.

Love,
SG

Hmmmm SG I needed to hear that. I know that all of what you are saying is the same as my Old P is doing to me. But I am still not ready to stop going. He makes it all about him each and every time. At least I am only seeing him monthly now and also I am able to hold the boundaries better so that I don't stroke his ego. You are right we want to feel that we are special. Hopefully soon I will be able to lengthen the time between visits to every three months and just sit at that time distance for a while.