pets: am I the "crazy cat lady" now?

janedoeMember

I'm headed out of state in a few days to get some intensive treament and therapy - and hopefully be able to come back and deal with a huge mess better than I am doing right now. When I told mom I was going, I got upset about two "small" things: a couple books I had left with my former primary T and about my leaving my cat.

I was suddenly caught up about missing my cat. Not my friends or family or my life here - but my cat. That's what triggered a flood of tears.

Normally, I'm not THAT attached to my cat... at the same time, she has been the cat that had survived a bit with me. The last 5 years of life have been really hard, and I have had her for 6. She was home when someone broke in and attacked me several years ago, when I was 25 (I'm almost 30 now.) For a couple years, whenever someone knocked on the door, she ran and hid. She would never be friendly to anyone but me. After awhile she started to warm up and come out of hiding around people she knew already, but never any guys. My friends and family wouold casually comment when they come over about my "hidden kitty" or even (jokingly) my "imaginary cat" because she was no where to be found if anyone came over to my apartment!

My vet said my cat had PTSD. for real.

But now, she is back to her "old self." She even came out when male pumbler she has never met cames over to fix my sink last week. She was just walking around and looking under the sink with him... (and he just laughed about it and said to not put her away in my bedroom.

)

I just haven't recovered so well. A whole basket load of trauma and just plain old problems exploded in my life and I have spent the past 5 years fighting to get back the "old me" or at least a better version of me. Now I've learned to trust again and crashed and burned with my primary T and freaked out so much I am likely to be evicted and I'm somewhat running away to be out of state to get intensive treatment at a partial hospitalization/residental program for three weeks.

And suddenly, now facing leaving my cat in the middle of so much pain, damage, chaos and mess... I was in tears. About my cat. I was crying about her being ok. The rest of life I feel rather numb about right now, except my cat...

I have left her before without any problems! My goodness, someone who works as a vet tech is going to be coming by to take care of her. She will be ok!

...and here I am upset thinking I am horrible and can't even stay and take care of my own cat.

I just got a suprise package from my mom. She express mailed me a box of new cat toys, treats, scratching post, and bed for me to leave behind with my cat and the person who is going to stop by daily and check on her while I am gone.

So I'm in tears again. It's silly, but the gift from my mom feels so good. It is so deeply kind of my mom, and helpful to let go of leaving my cat.

(And she sent me the books I had left w my former primary T too - which I glad about her sending but numb about the actual books, but I am taking them with me.)

Somehow I think maybe my cat is the "safe" thing for me to miss right now. I think if I faced everything else (i.e. the people I miss now, and that I am going to miss even more while I am gone - and all the heartache and grief I have about the rest of my life) I think I would come undone.

am I turning into the "crazy cat lady" now?

maybe I am having projection or transferance issues with my cat...

oh dear, I can't believe I am actually posting and rambling about my cat!

does anyone else feel rather attached to their pets when stuff gets so hard?

3/11/108:27 AM

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mad hatterMember

Hi JD, I think it is really neat that you are attached to your cat. I think it is probably a healthy thing, though obviously painful right now. If I had a pet, I think I would be reacting like you right now. That is why I don't have pets, because just like with people, I want to avoid the attachment and thus avoid pain.

I think you can learn a lot about a person by inquiring how they relate to animals. I think maybe psychotherapy interviews should include questions like:

1. Are you a dog or a cat person?
2. Do you have indoor or outdoor pets?
3. Do you have horses or livestock?
4. How much do you spend on vet bills?
5. What is the longevity of your pets?
6. Do you hunt for sport?
7. Are you a vegetarian?

I had pets as a child, but none that stayed for very long. One by one they all disappeared or were killed. I remember watching my father drive over our beautiful golden retriever, which broke her back. That one was an accident, but my father was also very cruel to animals on purpose. I once had a dog for about 2 years that disappeared one day, a few days after my baby sister was born. My dad told me the dog must have ran off. Although I didn't know the truth until I was an adult, it turns out my dad purposely shot my dog because he didn't like her and was mad that she chewed up his motorcycle seat. Another time we had found this stray puppy that someone had abandoned, and we kept it around for a few weeks until my dad decided it also had to go. So one day when my dad and I had to go to this city about an hour away, with lots of desolate rural country to drive through, he took the puppy with us and stopped halfway through our journey and told me to put it out of the vehicle, and then he proceeded to re-abandon it by driving away. I always hated him for making me feel like an accomplice to that act. I hoped somehow the dog survived, but probably it suffered an agonizing death and it would have been better if he had shot that one too. Then after I was married, another stray puppy showed up at my parents house which my dad didn't want. So my husband and I took it (to save it from my dad who was beating it). We had that dog for maybe 6 years. But it kept escaping the fence and causing the neighbors a lot of grief. Then one day it killed two of the neighbor's kittens, and they were rightfully upset. So my husband decided we needed to get rid of it in order to maintain peace. I wanted him to at least take it to a shelter, but one day I came home and he announced he had taken the dog into the garage, gave her something to eat, and while she was eating he shot her in the head with a .22. It was re-traumatizing for me. My husband became my father in that moment. Are all men so heartless? Since then I have never had pets except for one cat I allowed my daughter to have about a year and a half ago, but the cat actually abandoned us and now hangs out at the neighbors, and I have since learned that another neighbor boy has been shooting at it with his pellet gun. This is all so unpleasant to share, and maybe I shouldn't be posting it, but it is why I just can't have pets. It hurts too much.

3/11/109:14 AM

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jonesMember

Hi JD, MH, DF,

Still travelling but I popped in to see how everyone is doing and this thread caught me.

JD, I get REALLY attached to cats too - it's a great source of love for me. We don't have one at the moment, our beautiful old girl died last year. I'm not surprised you're finding it hard to leave your little sweetheart - she sounds like a great mainstay in your life. And a source of inspiration, too - you know, I think she is modelling a process of healing for you, teaching you about it through her loving.

I understand about the dread of 'abandoning' her too. We had to have a few months away from our girl a couple of years back, and although we left her with someone, it was the worst thing. It felt absolutely dreadful. I think part of it is that when you have a pet you get to love them in ways that are BETTER than you received when you were little and vulnerable. It feels awful to do anything less than ideal for them. But I really believe that you have to go away for a little while to be able to take care of yourself AND your kitty in the longterm. Sounds like you are doing a great job of making sure she is properly cared for while you are away. You might like to know that when I returned to my girl after my few months away, she spent an hour or so staring at the wall and ignoring me. And when she had expressed everything that that expressed, she cuddled up on my lap, purred, and everything was just as it was before.

MH, I am so, so, so sorry for the suffering you have been through with the pets you've loved. I'm horrified that you've been put through these multiple traumas. I think when we love a pet we identify with them in some way, so the injury of having these pets killed or abandoned or threatened like this is very deep. I remember my own stepdad threatening to kill my cat with a mallet when I was in my early teens because I hadn't fed her on time. What a f*&^ing *#&%^$ thing that is to do. It's extremely scary for a kid and totally unnecessary. I'm furious for you and for me.

I want to let you know, though, that no - all men are not so heartless. My husband loved our cat as much or more than I did, and they had a very sweet and gentle bond. It's one of the things that I love about him. I hope you can get to a place where it's safe to love a pet again.

xxJones

3/11/1012:28 PM

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strummergirlMember

Hi JaneDoe,

As I was reading through your post, I thought, you are having "transference" for your cat! Then you said that toward the end.

I don't think how you are feeling toward your cat is strange at all. She's been your buddy for several years and even survived traumatic events with you. You've even seen her recover from PTSD! She will miss you too but it sounds like she will be taken good care of so it will all be okay. And so will you

I'm glad you're taking this time for yourself, it sounds like the right thing to do. It will all work out in the end.

I kind of laughed when I read the title of your post because for a while I wanted to BE a crazy cat lady. I had this idea of living in a lighthouse with a hundred cats...but eventually I decided that wouldn't be very practical. There's not enough mice - or sand - on the kind of little island I was picturing. And litterboxes and Friskies for that many cats would be just WAY too much work. So that fantasy fell by the wayside.

But I'm still a cat person. When I lived overseas, I adopted two cats, a white & yellow tabby and a tiger-stripe, and eventually brought them back to the states with me because I just couldn't bear to give them away. THAT was an exciting plane ride...I was so worried about them. They were my buddies for many years. One time I had to leave them for two months and I was terribly worried, but they were well taken care of, and didn't even greet me much upon my return (and yes I was a little hurt). Then one of them died suddenly on Thanksgiving morning in 1997 (heart attack maybe?). The tiger-stripe was lonely, so I started looking for another kitty. My supervisor at work happened to hear a kitty crying outside her house one rainy night, so she went looking, and found her drenched and sitting on the railroad tracks. She called me right away and I adopted her...she looked a lot like a Maine coon cat. I still have her, but my tiger-stripe died in 2004 of cancer :-( I had to put him down, it was very sad...he was my special little buddy. I still miss him.

My husband is a cat person, too. He had two cats when I met him, one black and one gray & white tabby. The black had become very mean and unpredicable after getting neutered, with everyone except my husband. But eventually we had to put him down because he was stalking and viciously biting people (going for their faces when they were sleeping...really not ok). But we had the other one for many years until he recently died of kidney cancer. He was the funniest cat I've ever known...personality-wise, he seemed to be part squirrel and part dog...he was just a goofball. We have lots of silly pictures of him and we really miss him.

MH - I like the idea of your questions. And like Jones said, I'm so appalled and sorry to hear of all the violence toward your beloved pets...my heart goes out to you. And to you too, Jones, for that threat toward your cat when you were a teenager - how sickening. And I will also confirm that no, not all men are like that. My Maine coon would rather cuddle with my hubby than with me - I can hear her purring from across the room. And he used to throw birthday parties for his gray & white tabby.

3/11/103:01 PM

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janedoeMember

you all made me smile. thanks.

MH - good questions! In my town, many people walk their dogs everywhere (like even into banks - seriously.) It's interesting to sometimes just watch how people handle their pets. Ever notice how some people look so much like their pets?

My heart breaks to hear the pain you have seen in how others have treated animals. I think you are amazingly courageous for having the heart to rescue that dog and keep it from harm by your father. To then lose the dog again, for just being a dog and doing what dogs do... My heart aches for you. I can see why it would hurt so much. Many, many cyber-hugs to you. Thank you for posting. You have a very beautiful heart.

Dragonfly - thanks for the encouragement! helped me smile.

Jones - I think my cat is showing me something about healing... She has so much persistence! (most of all for food!)

quote:
You might like to know that when I returned to my girl after my few months away, she spent an hour or so staring at the wall and ignoring me. And when she had expressed everything that that expressed, she cuddled up on my lap, purred, and everything was just as it was before.

I can totally picture that! Animals are rather honest aren't they? Glad she 'forgave' you

SG - love the cat lighthouse fantasy! You would need a ENTIRE truckload of Friskies every week

Flying overseas with two cats? wow, what a long trip that must have been! It sounds like you and the tiger-striped cat were really connected. I'm sorry he's gone. They live too short!

Thanks for the reminder that I will be ok and my cat will be ok too. She is curled up in my lap purring right now as I type. She is so content. She is not worried about tomorrow...

Thanks everyone ~ you helped me feel more ok about missing my cat so much.

3/13/108:16 PM

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