It went OK. Unfortunately, T was talking to me from his car, because he had a birthday lunch for his son right after our session (but still prioritized making sure we could talk).

T tried to get me to initiate, but I was having trouble. He brought up the dream, but rather than share it, I just said, "I know what it's about...the same thing." He had me articulate and I was able to talk about how it representing my instinctive belief that someone cannot be both safe and close, that non-sexualized intimacy is not available to me. He thought it was VERY important and other than briefly touching on me moving to the floor and how good he thought I did with setting that boundary, we spent the whole session on it.

I was able to articulate how it feels like if someone is approaching me, I expect invasion (often sexual, unless the context is family or otherwise doesn't fit, and then emotional)...and if I am approaching someone else for closeness, there is an unbearable sense that I will be rejected or abandoned. T expressed very well how trapped that must feel for me. He said he would like to make this a focal point and work out how I can learn to be both close and safe both in therapy (in "our relationship") and in my marriage, as H's condition has caused some damage to my perception of safe intimacy. Of course, Kiddo inside was like, "REALLY? Wait? How close can we get? And how soon?" But I didn't let her jump all over him like a happy puppy, because I get that he might not want to include physical proximity into the mix.

T acknowledged that it is important to honor my instincts about certain people being unsafe, but also to learn to separate out those people who will be, primarily, safe. He said no one can be completely safe to us, because we're human and make mistakes (thus, we rely on God). However, there are people that we can approach and not be likely to suffer repeated abuse or invasion.

I told T that in the two relationships he identified, the fear of (sexual) invasion applied mostly to H and the fear of rejection/abandonment was the main problem in therapy. He said, "Well, then we should start with the one that applies to therapy." He asked if I ever experienced rejection with H and how I was able to work through that, and we talked about it a bit. I said that having the preexisting commitment there made it easier to live with those bumps in the road. He compared it to family relationships and I confessed that I do not have that sort of "close" relationship where I would expose myself to ANYONE in my family and the one person I did was involved in the trauma of revealing what happened last year, so I kind of lost that. Even she is not completely "safe" either, just more predictable than the rest of my family members.

At this, we ran out of time and T sounded really frustrated, saying "We're about to run out of time and this is such an important conversation...I wish we could talk about this for another hour! But, we can't." He expressed how he REALLY wants to continue on this topic Monday or Tuesday (no, he doesn't know which yet). He asked me to maybe journal about what safe means, to start working on that definition (maybe you guys can help me with some ideas). He suggested a book for when I finish my Codependency book.

I think I will email him my dream and start coming up with a list of what makes me feel safe, both a general "sense" of someone's characteristics and specific behaviors that feel safe or unsafe.

My little parts are still reeling from the revelation that T wants me to learn how to be close WITH HIM. I know that closeness probably just means emotional intimacy, but I really do hope there is some physical proximity involved too. I don't know why I feel I need it so badly, but I do...argh.