I've never been good with the physical contact thing, but it sounds like he wouldn't mind. My T will ask if she can give me a hug if it seems like amoment of need. I will do the same (mostly never) but have.

I don’t know about that comment. I would be confused if my T said that too me. Maybe he did mean that you could touch him. I don’t know if you (or I) will be able to guess what he meant without you asking him.

I’ve never asked if I can touch/hug my T, I don’t think I would ever want to touch him.

I have noticed that for the past month at the end of our sessions when we both stand up he has come closer to me and almost seemed like he wanted to touch me. Especially last Tuesday, it was kind of weird because I felt like he didn’t want me to leave. He came closer to me when we stood up, and he sort of extended his hand then put it down quickly. Then when he opened the door for me I could tell that he was standing closer to me. It felt very weird and I was almost scared that he might actually reach out and touch me. I was thinking I would talk to him about it next week. So that’s all the close/physical contact we have had.

i dunno, he is probably properly contained and all but that woulda freaked me out and i woulda been outta there faster than a cat!!!

i don't think i would get the necessary enjoyment and connection out of a 'paid' hug, so i have never wanted one. my t asked me early on and i said, maybe next time. seems she kindof offered non-verbally the other day, i dunno, i keep my distance.

whatsleftofhim...how do you think it would have felt? do you think it would be restorative? or confusing??

@jill---

I would still like something fairly innocuous like just touching his shoulder/arm or something, I don't necessarily know about an actual "hug." We've got major parental transference going on. I want the touch, but whether it would be a good thing, I don't know. It's just important for me to know he'd be ok with it, I think that would be comfort enough for me.

WLOH

That was so nice of him to say that to you at the end of the session. These are the things I love the most - when the therapist does something like this, shows that he cares.

I imagine it must have been also very confusing, because it's hard to know what actually you can ask about. I think he could have even given you a hug if you asked.
I think it was a message that you can ask for a touch. His reply about being a gentleman was a quite funny. Of course I don't know him and I don't know what was the tone of his voice. If my T would say something like that I would laugh at him and said "Yeah, right", but my T is quite young and I can't imagine him calling himself a gentleman.
I'd say it should be ok, to ask him again about the touch, or maybe even a hug. It is so important and so precious.
My T would touch me every single session, just before I leave. It's something I am taking with me every time I see him.

I would've kissed him.

Just kidding!

Sounds like he was offering a hug without actually offering a hug. I think if you had said, "Can I have a hug?" he would have said yes. But I don't think they're "supposed to" offer hugs unless we ask.

My ex-P did something similar a few times. He stood up, and instead of walking to the door and opening it like usual, he just stood in front of me grinning and shrugged his shoulders with his palms facing up. I panicked and stepped around him and opened the door myself. It was only later that I realized he was "offering" a hug if I wanted it. I wish I had gone for it.

LOL @ echo...and I'm sad you missed your hug chance

Well he is very cute. I was physically attracted to him at first, but as I've gotten to know him that has gone away. I think because I've shut everyone out of my life I'm craving some kind of touch...who knows. He just called me to let me know I'd left something behind, and I almost asked him to qualify what he said, but didn't. Hopefully I can get the courage to do so on Tuesday.

Thanks everyone for the responses, I really couldn't get my head around this and you all really helped.

Hey WLOH,

I just wanted to comment on how I interpreted your T's comment, though it also really depends on the inflection in his voice when he said it. When he told you that he would open the door for you because he is a gentleman, I took that as differentiating between doing something as a gentleman and as your therapist. A gentleman would open the door, but a caring T would give you something that you asked for that he knew you wanted and needed. I could be completely off the mark, but that's how it struck me at first glance.

Your T sounds great, very open and willing. And as DF said, it's great to see you posting.

Deal, UV. Gotta get up that courage.

And my apologies to everyone for not being around so much, I've been anti-social.

safe hugs,
WLOH

Hey, WLOH- good to see you. After that session, I would have interpreted the words "if there is anything I can do to make you more physically comfortable..." as, it's ok to touch me. But I don't know for sure. I guess you could ask him.

I would love to touch my T. That would be amazing, to feel, he is a real person, not imaginary. If I could do it, I would grab the chance. I only see my T on computer, so I say, grab the chance. I would say, go for it . I doubt he would freak if you touched his shoulder. I doubt it very much, in fact.

BB

So I didn't ask him what he meant when I had my session today. Honestly I had no desire to touch him. He was pissed off at me anyway for leaving him a voicemail over the weekend. (how DARE I call my therapist!)

As a result it was an unproductive session. Then he reiterated at the end how I shouldn't call him this weekend because he'll be away and not checking his messages. He's so moody. I only called the office phone and left a message, it's not like I have his mobile or something. I don't see what the big deal is but, whatever.

WLOH

WLOH,

It's good to see you posting! I think his statement could be taken in a number of ways. It could have meant that if you asked that he would be willing to have some sort of physical contact. It could also be that he was asking if there was anything he could offer or change about the office environment to make you more physically comfortable (i.e. a blanket, pillow etc.).

As far as your session today and him being upset that you left a message on the office voice mail, I'm confused by that. I guess I am missing what the big deal is as well. It depends on the context of the message I suppose. I mean (this is totally just an example) if you called the office phone in crisis and saying you might hurt yourself then I could see where he might be upset because it was the weekend and that message system probably isn't the best for crisis on a weekend. Barring that, I don't see what the problem is. Did you ask him if he was mad or did you tell you he was? I know I sometimes read more into my T's mood than I should and often feel it's about me when sometimes it really isn't at all. Perhaps he was just in a bad mood.

Jill: You said: "i don't think i would get the necessary enjoyment and connection out of a 'paid' hug," I have to say that I have never felt like the physical comforting that I have received from my T is anything but genuine. Yes, I happen to be paying her, but I'm paying for her time. I honestly don't think that I have to pay her to care, I think she just does. I might be naive, but it has never felt like it was anything but heartfelt caring. It has been extremely healing and comforting, especially for the younger parts to have that safe physical touch and comfort.

Hi WLOH,

Sorry to hear about your unproductive session...I hate it when those happen. I have to agree with PG (welcome to the forums BTW! ), that your T's manner about the VM seems like quite a switch. I can't imagine how you could possibly feel comfortable asking for physical contact when he gets "pissed" about one VM. Did you (or could you) ask him why he was so angry about that? Also, I thought the way he said he was willing to "make you more physically comfortable" sounded a bit awkward and somewhat vague...I wouldn't have known how to take that, either. My overall impression from what you've said is that he seems really unsure about how to handle the boundaries, like he wants to offer more, but is struggling with something...I am sorry, WLOH, this sounds really confusing to me.

SG

I would have taken his offering as it's ok to touch him. Surprised at his being so upset about VM. I sent my T an email one night when I felt like I was overdosing. He got it a day later. Can you imagine how he felt? Wondering if his patient was dead and could have done something about it if he had been home to read his emails. Not cool on my part and he has never let me forget it. He never acted mad about it, just concerned. I would ask him why he got mad about leaving a message.

My T can be very moody. He has a bad habit of letting his personal life bleed into his demeanor in session. I told him today when i'm out running errands and I get panicky (like at the grocery store) that I pretend he's there with me, but sometimes I have trouble creating that feeling. He hands me a tin of mints called "after-therapy mints" and says, "here, that's me, take it with you."

So he can be very sweet, or very moody/offputting. I guess it balances itself out, but it is frustrating and confusing.

Thanks to everyone for your responses. (((hug)))

Edit: just wanted to answer a couple of questions raised in earlier reponses. As to the voicemail, I wasn't in crisis, the message just said "no need to call me back, was just having a tough time and needed to hear your voice so I called your voicemail"

And as to does he want to make the office more physically comfortable...I don't see how he could. He already draws the blinds, turns on the water fountains, makes sure my favorite pillow and blanket are on my favorite chair, and even bought a stuffed animal for me per my request. (which stays in his office) So I have no desire for anything more that way. Dam* I'm lucky, when he's not in a mood.

His comment was a "door-opener" from his part i guess.. I understand his comment as a ; "Go on, I stand right here- hug me if you like to.." Maybe he`d tried to communicate that He wasn`offended by your wishes and comments you made that session. I dont know, I`m NOT used to therpist who leaves me with that kind of comments really..
You should ask him what he ment.. at least talk about it..maybe..

This thread is very interesting reading ..

moody therapist; Wow, You seem to know him pretty well.. i never learned to seperate MY mood, from his mood.. And if my T looks tired, i always take the blame for it.. Like whatever reasons he gots for being tired, irritated, in bad mood etc; its my foult! Yeah.. working on this..

it is my impression that your tereapists have other rules/boundries about the hugging and physical contact than I am used over here (europe). I have never, not once - touched my T. It has never been a question. Neither the handshake or just the "talk about it". I never brought it up.. (Only in my dreams, i guess)
He has never opened the door for me when the session is over nor when I Arrived.

So therefore:
When I read your experience on this - I feel a bit disappointed.. And jelaous of your therapists.. (LOL) Is this a cultural matter??? - a matter of what kind of therapist he/she is, what school they belong to (mine is very a very Freudian type, psychotherpist!). Your Therapist Seem so gentle, open and nice about this.(I still struggles to understand if its OK for me to send a text message- Even that is almost a tabu for me!)
I think i am familiar with the conservative boundries, and also feel safe with them at this point. I `ve think I`d freak out if he had offered me a hug. To much tention in the room.. Yes- I bring it with me as soon as i arrive the office.. A hug would make the room a "Bomb-like-place."

Perhaps I would be happy if he`d offered a hug, but it SO difficult to know that it would made him very uncomfortable.. To overwhelming i guess, and unnatural with the sudden physical contact.(Its been over a year without it!) I want least of all to make him unconfortabel and shy.

One day- months ago- we arrived the office at the same time, it`s really a narrow aisle there, and when he hung up his jacket, We stood close- ad I felt the TENTION between us, as we both sort of knew that THIS is the closest we`ve ever stood! He smiled, and seemed a bit nerveous and shy about it. It was the sweetest moment, and wierd at the same time... I often go back to that memory..

So I just wanted to give a little update on this. I asked T if the "physically more comfortable" comment was referring to touch, and he said "actually I meant if I could make the office more comfortable for you." (can you say awkward!) So just to embarrass myself a bit more I came out and asked "So would it be ok if I touched you?" (I have no idea where I got this sudden courage) to which he replied, "ummmm...probably?"

Then T went on to cite examples of what other patients needs were like-- for him to sit closer to them, or in another chair, etc...which just made feel like he was trying to change the subject.

So I left the session feeling very embarrassed, discomfitted, awkward and without a direct answer to my question. Oh well, at least I asked.

WLOH

WLOH,

I thought he meant the office environment when I read the comment. I think his comments today were just to give you examples even though it felt evasive. Perhaps you can have another discussion about touch and give examples to him. Like, would you be ok with sitting next to me or holding my hand? I know it is a hard discussion to have.
I'm sorry you left the session feeling embarrassed and awkward.

strm, your commment...'Jill: You said: "i don't think i would get the necessary enjoyment and connection out of a 'paid' hug," I have to say that I have never felt like the physical comforting that I have received from my T is anything but genuine. Yes, I happen to be paying her, but I'm paying for her time. I honestly don't think that I have to pay her to care, I think she just does. I might be naive, but it has never felt like it was anything but heartfelt caring. It has been extremely healing and comforting, especially for the younger parts to have that safe physical touch and comfort.'


strm and others, that is just me. but keep in mind i haven't yet found a caring therapist. so, know my perspective. and t3 had offered a hug, but, i dunno, it was too early FOR her to care, so i knew it was a 'paid' hug.

i know y'all don't think i am trying to be insulting, just thought i would correct this if anyone took it that way.

and, i think back, t1, i know, did care about me. but he wouldn't have done it coz it just wouldn't have felt right for either of us.

interesting comments, i like your interpretation draggers...

one day i'll be able to chime in on this subject, i hope, with a different perspective!!

Jill,

I didn't take it as an insult and I understood where you were coming from. I just wanted to add that for me that it has never felt that way, but I suppose had it been offered too soon then I would have felt like it was a "paid" gesture or been very suspicious of her motives for sure!

I hope that you find what you are looking for in a T. That last T sounds like she was a mess!