((TN))

I think it was very courageous of you to share all of your vacation pictures with your T. The things that we decide we wish to preserve by way of a photograph are intensely personal, and to want to share every one of those as you did was very brave.

Taking photographs is something that I had given up through co-dependency with my W, as it tends to be a very time consuming and selfish hobby, and my T has encouraged me to do more of it. Naturally I wished to share my pictures with her having made the effort to take some. However, unlike you, I selected just a few of those I was most pleased with and took those along to a session and actually left them with her to put into my case file. I guess I was finding it too scary, as Dfly has said, to show too much of myself to T by way of images I like.

Are you able to sort out just a few that you like the best to show your T first to see how you feel talking about those, and if you are comfortable with that, ask if he would like to look at the others?

Yes, I would be inclined to think that the lady in the car park was his next client. If your session had overun slightly and she was just making her way across the car park it would seem to me that not only does she dress in bad taste for a session with her T, but she may also have difficulty getting to her sessions on time because she struggles to walk properly in her tight mini skirt!! Just a thought.

True North: I am sorry for the difficult seesion that you had. I saw this statement:

"I had asked him if it was okay to bring in my vacation pictures. He said that I should ask it differently and ask "would you like to see my pictures". So I did and he said yes he would love to see them. I was happy about it and brought them in with me the next week."

I don't understand why he wanted you to ask or phrase it differently. Do you? I don't think I would have been able to get past that question without feeling like I was being treated like a child. In saying that, I know you know your therapist much better than anyone on this forum

I hope you are feeling better. At least you called and talked to him about it. That is huge.

T.

(((TN)))

Although I'm sorry that showing him the pictures was such a difficult experience, I'm glad that it's spurring the need to delve into why you have that reaction. Rephrasing things is something my T does with me often, and I would hazard a guess that your initial phrasing of the question may be tied to the emotions around it.

I've only ever shared a couple pictures with my T. Once was just a quick picture of my horse, and the second was actually just in my last session with T. Except I kind of showed her the pictures as a way of distracting myself from what we had been talking about, so the experience wasn't all that great. I was so embarrassed about my pictures, too. I only showed her two, but it was too much. So then, ironically, to distract myself from the whole picture thing, I went back to what I had originally wanted to avoid talking about!

Anyway, I think that photos can be so personal because they are actual snapshots of our lives, like having our T's come with us into our day-to-day lives.. We do this anyway, but I think that a photograph can show so much that it may feel like we're slightly out of control with how much we're sharing, if that makes sense. We don't know exactly how our Ts will interpret the picture.

Hugs to you - it was brave to show him the pictures, and it's even braver to bring them back and go over them again. But maybe this next time you'll be able to really experience your T's acceptance of you.

Hi TN,

I've never taken pictures into a session, but this past week I've been thinking about taking a picture of my family to show my P. We've been talking about them so much lately and I think a picture would help him form an image in his mind as I talk about them, but yet, I feel nervous just thinking about it!

I think it's because I know he won't say anything negative, but just smile and be receptive, and I'll wonder...just what is he really thinking and feeling. With pictures, we are showing a great deal about our lives that is open to interpretation. As compared to when we talk to our Ts and Ps, we share exactly what we want them to know, often giving them a limited view of certain aspects of our lives. Of course they do tend to read between the lines at times!

I've taken in personal articles for my P to read and even though he's receptive and reads them in session, we don't delve deeply into the article itself, but instead he seems more interested in the feelings behind why I decided to share this with him. Sometimes I've felt disappointed because I really wanted to talk about what I was sharing and his focus turned more to my motives.

Maybe this is where your T is going with this? And that's why he asked you to rephrase the question. Instead of asking his permission to bring in the photos, he wanted you to ask in such a way that you'd probably ask anyone else, which would be if they'd like to see the pictures.

I think it could be the feelings behind your desire to share this with him that are possibly frightening, maybe a fear that he will be judgmental for some reason, because of the way you responded when he commented on the album.

Good luck with your next session!
Summer

ps - if you're really nervous about taking the album in, maybe pull out a few of your favorites to show him.

TN

(((TN))) I'm so sorry the last week and showing the pictures was so difficult I'm hoping this week goes better and you and your T are able to process.

It took me about a year and at least 6 months after I'd shown my other T to allow my T (T1) to see any of my artwork via pictures on my phone. The thought was deathly terrifying. I don't really know what the deal was either. Vulnerability I suppose. I feel often so terrible about myself and anything associated with me or representing my feelings (for example if you FELT certain ways about certain pictures or places you were that may be bringing up a lot of fear). When I finally sat down and brought in a book of my digital paintings it was a good connected moment for us - but I fumbled, dissociated and spent the entire time in stunned horror. I didn't start showing her my acrylic paintings until another 4-5 months later. The first time I showed them to her she called me later that day to thank me for being so vulnerable and that she just loved them. I've saved that message it's one of the only I'm able to listen to "again" (I've listened to it 3 times otherwise I have a lot saved I've intended but have never had the lack of anxiety to do so). I can show her MOST things with a 2/10 anxiety but she still doesn't receive the near weekly emails T2 does with photos of my art work.

Anyway, I hope you can process through it! I need to also... it's very hard to feel exposed

((((TN))))

I’m sorry you had such a distressing session with your T. This may be totally off-base, so please ignore it if it doesn’t feel right to you, but it felt to me like, along with other issues like OldT memories, you were maybe a bit ashamed about wanting to share your photos with your T. Like you have this really amazing T, and it’s like you were somehow “wasting” your session with him by wanting him to look at photos and that he was just humoring you by looking at them. And so his comment right off the bat made you feel even more insecure about it, like he was saying you were abnormal for already having them in an album.

And still you wanted him to see the photos because they are important to you, and you want him to understand you, and yet you have all these other internal cues telling you that he doesn’t want to be doing this and he is judging you and so of course you felt really tense and out of control and just wanted to get out of there. And then, of course, that other woman was just about the last thing you needed to see right then (although I do think that it wasn’t his wife.) But I think your T really did want to see your pictures, and that was why he wanted you to reframe your question, because your original question has the built-in assumption that looking at the photos is not something your T would want to do, and instead is something he would grudgingly agree to do for your benefit, whereas the reframed question lets him tell you that yes, he would like to see the photos, and not just as a favor to you.

((((TN)))))

I don't really have advice that is any better than what you have already received in the above posts, but I do want to encourage you to take you photo's back to therapy and try again.



B2W

How did today go? I so completely understand this. Especially have a hard session it is so hard to run into another client, especially a woman. Who we instantly see as more attractive. I haven't told my T this but after seeing another woman walk in, that was well dressed and put together, I was more careful and started even wearing more makeup and lipstick. I felt so repulsive.
I agree that some of the shame may be from a feeling of wasting his time, which is untrue. I hope you were able to talk about it.

((((TN)))))

I'm sorry you are so triggered. When we share something so personal like that, it's as if we are sharing a bit of ourselves, a bit of our soul. We open ourselves up like that, the most seemingly innocuous comment can feel very threatening, like rejection. I'm not saying that his comments were innocuous. Just saying that generally, when we feel vulnerable like that and are looking for something, if not responded to in exactly the way we wanted, it can really hurt.

Maybe sharing the pictures with him was representative of some deeper need? On the surface, it was all about showing him the photos. But maybe there was something else there that you needed from T? And because you didn't verbalize that directly (you might not even be aware of what it is) he was unable to give you the answer that perhaps you were looking for?

Perhaps you felt criticized, first when he asked you to rephrase your request and then when he made the comment about you already having them in an album? That you thought there were some negative inferences in his questions? (Which I didn't get by the way but we all know how transference works.) That you what you really wanted was to share a part of yourself with him? But that you felt he was somehow really not interested? And those comments kind of put a wedge in between the two of you and you weren't able to feel how much he really enjoyed looking at them?


As for the woman, there have been times when I've been uncertain whether or not my T was telling me the truth. I've had to bring things back to him again and again until I am satisfied with his answers. I hope you and he were able to sort things out a bit today.

Hi all... thank you all for your comments, suggestions and ideas with regard to the issues I had showing T my pictures. I first want to say that I had a great session with T today. I felt very close to him and cared for. We were able to really talk about this once I got past my initial anxiety. He knew I was anxious and he was so kind and gentle with me today. He really helped me to make sense out of this. I did bring the pictures back but we did not look at them because it was more important today to address the feelings and emotions that caused me the problem on Thursday. He did ask me to bring them back again because, therapy aside, he really does want to finish looking at them because he was really enjoying them LOL. He did say that he noticed a change in me about halfway through when I began to rush through them, and describing them briefly and without the anecdotal comments I used earlier. He apologized for not noticing that I was beginning to dissociate because he was just really into looking at the pictures. He said we both need to work on me alerting him to my beginning to dissociate and he needs to pay more attention to changes in me so we can catch it live in the moment.

It seems like there were a lot of factors that played into the emotions and feelings I had and many of them you all picked up on.

Draggers, sweetie, thank you for commenting. I think you were correct in that by sharing the pictures we allow T into our lives outside of the therapy room. He can now see me and my family and how we spend our vacation time and I do look different and it makes me more vulnerable to fear of being judged by him. In this case there were no childhood photos but I truly understand your point about that. I experienced the same thing with oldT regarding the nice pictures and feeling like the abuse didn't exist.

Av you are so right in that a photo is a very personal thing, our own view of what is worthy and important to perserve for us. Allowing T to see that can be scary. I am glad to hear that you are again enjoying your photography and even sharing pics with T. We all should have something that is fulfilling and makes us happy. You really made me laugh with the comment about the woman with the mini being unable to walk fast enough to get to her appointment on time

TAS... I think, as others have pointed out, that having me ask differently was a more empowering way to ask. Not so much for permission as an inquiry as to whether or not he would want to see the pictures and not ask for permission to bring them. I guess it makes a difference.

Hi Kashley, what you said about not having control over what T takes from seeing the pictures really resonated with me and we discussed control today. I am allowing T into my personal outside of T life and it is scary that he will see something in me or about me that will send him fleeing or he will change his opinion of me into something awful. I have no control over this.

Summer, thanks for the comments. Yes worrying about him being judgemental of me was difficult. When mom would look at my pictures she would zero in on me in a critical way and then the pictures would lose that joy for me. She also would say she hated pictures of scenery w/o people in them and I did have a bit of those in the album and maybe I worried they were boring T. That old nasty transference again!

Lillies... I am sorry you had such awful experiences with pictures in your life. Of course you would cry as those early experiences that you had were very painful and horrible. You were probably also grieving that what looked so normal as a family was not and you really wished it were normal and happy. I am glad you have begun to share some with T.

Hi Cat... I wish, like you, that I could express myself through art. It is great that you have begun to take steps to share more of this side of you with your T's. We did spend a lot of time processing what happened today and I think we made some good progress. My T was pleased that despite my anxiety we could have a good discussion and he learned some things.

Nannabee...your whole post really resonated with me, especially the part about wanting him to understand me but also having all those internal cues (mom) telling me he was judging me and it just scared me. The way you explained how he wanted me to ask him that question was also spot on. Thank you.

B2W... thanks for the hugs and the support. T and I will keep working on this and eventually we will finish the album.

Hi Ang... the hard part of running into the other female client was that I was already feeling so icky about myself when I was leaving that I just continued to beat myself up that I was not good enough or attractive enough for my T to even care about and of course that is why he hated the pictures. It all just snowballed into total dysregulation. Calling him later on helped so much and stablized me enough to get to today.

Liese...you are right that when we are triggered all the little things can seem enormous and his comment about the pictures already being in an album was meant only as a compliment (he told me) and he was impressed. I explained that my mom just threw all her pictures in shoe boxes and I decided early on that my own pictures would be neat and organized. And when I would show my albums to my parents they were not all that interested and so T thinks there was a pattern going back to childhood of their not having any interest in the things I wanted to share that I was proud of and then it just turned into ... anything I cared about was unworthy or unimportant.

Thanks again for all your support on this topic. I may update after we actually do finish the pictures and if we unearth any new reasons for my reactions.

Hugs to all
TN

No picture stories but wanted to send a hug.

((((TN))))

So glad you had such a healing session with your T. My parents weren't interested in my life either so I know how much that hurts.

Smiley, thanks so much for the hug. It felt really good!

Liese, I'm sorry you can understand this. It's not an easy memory to live with but it really helps to talk about it with T.

I forgot to relate something that happened in my session yesterday that really touched me. When I was telling T about how my mom hated pictures of scenery w/o people in them and how she thought they were boring. He smiled and said, "well I think your pictures of the Amalfi coast and the vineyards and the view from your in-laws house were pretty cool and I liked them a lot". It was not only hearing tha the liked the pictures but the fact that he really remembered what I showed him that made me start to cry. He asked me what just happened and I looked at him and said ... you remembered what you looked at last week. He said of course I did. I was enjoying them.

It was a small thing but I felt it so very deeply and it meant a lot to me. He is such a wonderful T.

TN

(((TN))) It is very powerful he remembered. I'm glad you could share that. I'd probably cry, too!

TN,

I'm pretty new to this forum, and I get so much out of so many posts from everyone, but this one has really struck me. First, I see how brave you are being in identifying your feelings and then, working through them with your T. It is a great example!

And then, it's such a tangible example of how important people to us -- in this case, our Ts -- can take interest in us and our lives beyond our sessions. I don't know about you, but that's an incredibly hard thing for me to absorb, let alone hold on to.

So, thanks for sharing your experience with all of us!

Don't know who rocks more, you or your T!

Aw TN...so glad you are feeling better! I can kinda relate because when my T remembers stuff we talked about, it's always a bit of a jolt. I used to wish that old T would remeber stuff, so I wouldn't have to tell it over again to remind him, which I hated very much. Now I have the opposite problem...can't get away with anything because T remembers stuff which I'm starting to realize. yikes.

Anyway...glad your T is so nice to you. You need and deserve kindness.

hugs,

BB